3 Vampires, 3 Bums......Same Stuff Right?

[DracoKnight14]

Hey, vampire-stoner-geek-comedy fanfic here. =P Dedicated to Farragow =3

Chapter 1-God Damn You Casner

It was a cold winters day in Brooklyn, New York. There was a heavy blizzard taking place, and the Featherstone apartment had no heating because Zack Casner (The Featherstone's Roomy) spent the heating money on a dufflebag worth of pot. He had medium long blonde hair, reaching his shoulders, a clean shaven face, and blue eyes. He was sleeping on the coach, due to the Arthur and Skye Featherstone shared the only bed like children. Zack wore a white Tee-Shirt, and heart covered boxers, and had a woven quilt over him.

Arthur entered the room shivering. He had long brown hair, a light beard, and had honey brown eyes. He was wearing a black tank top, and gray sweatpants. He looked at the time on the cable box. 10:30. Skye entered the room. She shook her long black hair in the air and smiled at Arthur. She wore full button up pajamas when she slept. She had hazel brown eyes, and a light tan. Arthur grinned. Oh, they all were vampires. Yeah. Big fangs. Arthur tried waking up Zack. No response. "Hey Skye, give me Jim.", he commanded, pointing at the captus in the room.

She handed it to Arthur, and then he smacked it across Zack's face, resulting in a scream. "ARRGHHHHHH, ARTHUR YOU-you um......you captus fiend!" Zack said shakily. Arthur laughed and grinned.

"It's get up or get smacked Zack. So, do you boys want pancakes or eggs?", Skye said in a motherly way.

"PANCAKES!", they both exclaimed. She giggled as she heard "PANCAKES" coming from the boys, and went behind the stove. Arthur went to the refridgerator and grabbed a blood bag-the one blood donation centers had-and ripped it open and drank from it. He than spitted it out.

"GAH! It tastes like teen spirit!", Arthur said disgusted. After pouring the batter, Skype went over to him and wiped blood from his chin.

"Your so child-like", she giggled, smiling.

"You're so young. Even if you're older than me", Arthur muttered under his breath. He went to the window to see his Chevy Silverado 1500. It was buried in snow. He sighed and sat next to Zack. Zack was playing X-box (he's an addict) and didn't take his eyes off the screen. "Dude, get a life!" Arthur yelled.

"...........Say what?", Zack said, not paying attention. Arthur smacked his remote, killing him in the game. "Hey! You killed me!" he yelled.

"You needed some killing!" Arthur replied.

"Breakfast!" Skye yelled. The two raced to the table in the kitchen area, but ended up with Zack knocking Arthur through the window, falling on to the hard concrete. And yeah, their apartment was on the 7th floor by the way. Quite a.......quite a way to go. "ARTHUR!!!!" Skye yelled scared. Zack was eating Arthur's pancakes.

"FOR A JEW, YOU ARE EVIL!" Skye yelled teary-eyed. Zack placed a yamaca on his head. He said something in Hebrew, laughing. Arthur entered the apartment, bloody, black-eyed, and mad.

"I'LL CRUCIFY YOU!!" Arthur screamed, chasing Zack. He contiuned to eat pancakes while he ran from Arthur. Skye poured blood into a mug.

"It's gonna be a long winter." she said miserably.

End Stick for Chapter 2,
Arthur Vs. The Rock!

 

[Dewgong Reign]

Hee hee...

Nice job. It's pretty simple, but that makes it easy to read.

Pretty funny too :lol:

 

[DracoKnight14]

Thank you! Means alot to me

 

[Mitsuki_SOS]

Well that's interesting and funny xD Is it non-related to Pokémon or will there be Pokémon related things in the next few chapters? If not then you may want to include that it's not related to Pokémon.

Anyway, it was overall decent. I saw some typos and mistakes that can be pointed out only with your permission. Also, there could be more paragraphs. You scrunched some sentences together into one paragraph, and it just didn't fit. There could be more description and detail. I think the Appreciate Readers would appreciate it better that way. As for Squirmy Readers, they'd like it, but a little bit more description couldn't hurt. (I'll explain that later if you wish.) I saw some unnecessary punctuation, like commas beside quotation marks even when there was an exclamation mark already ending the statement. Also, you need something to pull the reader's attention. I mean...foreshadowing maybe? In a way this is like a sitcom because I don't see any other plot other than three vampires living together and causing some humor here and there. If we wanted sitcoms, we could watch TV. There's nothing wrong with comedic stories though; I live off comedic stories. They amuse me, as they should. xD Hopefully in the future chapters the characters are given more background and depth because I don't understand how three vampires can live together so normally in an apartment. Are people aware of them being vampires?

Anyway, I enjoyed it =D You've got potential, and I can see you'll go far! Thanks for posting! It was very nice!

(If any of what I said was insulting/hurtful/offensive/rude/mean, then you have my humblest apologizes Dx If I hurt your feelings, I swear it was unintentional. I'm sorry.)

 

[DracoKnight14]

WOW, thank you for the critism I needed it! =D Now I know what I need for the next chapter! I appreciate that very much thank you and I promise you'll get some of Arthurs background next chapter! =D

 

[DracoKnight14]

Awesome thank you! Actually, said rock is gonna be Roxanne (The Rocks her nickname) and shes Arthur's childhood friend, so we're gonna go back 300 years. It'll be up tomorrow. ^^

 

[Mitsuki_SOS]

WOW, thank you for the critism I needed it! =D Now I know what I need for the next chapter! I appreciate that very much thank you and I promise you'll get some of Arthurs background next chapter! =D

Glad I can help xD I'm looking forward to it!
Also, I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but I'm sure it's good xD

 

[DracoKnight14]

Lol the next chapter is Arthur Vs. The Rock xD

 

[Mitsuki_SOS]

Ah I see xD I'm looking forward to it! And I see that The Rock is Roxanne xD Ah, okie.

 

[DracoKnight14]

PG-13!
Chapter 2-Peter Vs. Rock
It was the day after Christmas. Arthur, Skye, And Zack were in Arthur's Chevy going upstate to see Arthur and Skye's family. Skye was were fashionable coat, Arthur was wearing a leather jacket, and Zack wore a big black coat.

"Man, it's been forever since we see grandpa, grandma, and the cousins." Skye stated happy to see them.

"I just hope grandpa tries to stab me again like last year...." Arthur said miserably. Zack laughed at the statement as Arthur pulled up into the driveway. It was part of a huge mansion in the woods. Behind said mansion was a gloomy graveyard. Yea, they bury their own dead there..... So what? The trio walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. It made a sort of ding-dong-dang-dong, ding-ding-ding-dong.... Yea can you believe that? It sounds stupid.

An older man, who had gray short hair, light beard, and green eyes answered the door. He was wearing a green sweater and blue sweatpants. He was the grandfather. He exclaimed happily," Skye! Your looking wonderful! Great to see you!.... Oh, hi Arthur I see you aren't dead yet. Who's your friend?"

Skye hugged her grandfather happily and Arthur shrugged. "That's Zack Casner, he's......." Arthur said before his grandfather cut him off saying,

"Casner? Hm.....Happy Chanukah." Zack smiled and shooked the sibling's grandfather's hand. The trio entered the house. It was filled with old items no longer made today. Pictures dating back to the early 1900 hundreds hung on walls.

"Arthur......How old are you?" Zack asked wondering.

"363 years old." He replied uneasily. Zack stood there, mouth gaping.

"Yes, me and him we're born during the 18th century. Arthur went to war with General Washington." Skye announced, proud of her younger brother. Arthur took a seat in the livingroom. He seemed very stressful..... Wanna know why? Read this.

"Even though he fought that war and many more, grandpa hated him and always tried to kill him." Skye said sadly.

"I thought framing Oswald for what happened to J.F.K. would have got grandpa to like me. Guess not." Arthur said as Zack backed away from him.

"By the way kids, grandma is sick in bed and your cousins went down to Florida. But there is one person happy to see you...." their grandfather commented. A lovely woman, just older than Skye came down the stairs. She had long, silky blonde hair and baby blue eyes. She wore a black gothic dress with bonnet. She yelled," Skye! Arthur!"

"Roxanne!" Skye said excited and hugged her. Arthur remained quiet, gazing at her beauty.

"Who's that?" Zack asked, stunned.

"Why my best friend, and the best vampire here, Roxanne!" Skye yelled happily. "We have so much catching up to do!"

"It can wait..." Roxanne said and over to the chair Arthur was sitting in. She sat on his lap and grabbed held of him. "Hi Arthur....." She said seductively.

"H-h-hiii R-R-Roxanne....." Arthur said shyly.

"Aw, don't tell me you're shy of your best friend are you?" She replied, running a finger around his chest. "Take off your jacket, relax." Arthur did as she said, quickly may I add. Yeah, he's seduced.... Just watch I bet he's gonna tap that. He wore a Tee-Shirt saying "Metallica World Magnetic". Roxanne grabbed his arm. "Oh, you gotten so strong! What do you bench, 10...No, 15 tons?" Roxanne said impressed.

"20....." Arthur said losing breath.

My God, Arthur works fast.... Zack thought, and walked into the kitchen. "Let me help you with dinner Mr. Featherstone." Zack told their grandfather.

"Please, call me John." He said walking in with Zack. Skye pulled on Roxanne's arm, saying,

"Lets go into the library and talk!" Roxanne got off Arthur and nodded. The two walked out of the room, and Arthur took deep breaths. He pulled off a cigar and lit it up, and when he turned on the T.V. near him, it exploded.

"Damn it grandpa....." He said mad. As Zack helped their grandfather, Skye was talking to Roxanne. Roxanne was bored, and looked outside. Arthur was walking through the cemetary with no jacket on, smoking. She instantly wanted to be with him.

"Uh, lets contiune this later. I got something to do. Heres a book on flowers." Roxanne said. She placed the book next to Skye and quickly ran out.

"Weird...." Skye commented. As Arthur took a puff from his cigar, Roxanne scared him by grabbing him. He yelled and realized it was her.

"Don't be afraid, only me...." She whispered into Arthur's ear. She showed fangs, rubbed then against Arthur's neck. Arthur blushed deep red, and remained silent. His cigar fell out of his mouth into the snow. Roxanne got in front of him and grabbed his hands, making him hold her. "Awfully cold....." She commented. She turned around saying," I never been touched by a man. Why not try it with me?" She quickly engaged in a deep kiss with Arthur. She pushed him to the ground, got ontop of him, saying," Take me here!" Arthur nodded.......

What did I say?? He tapped that. I win the bet, I want my money. Fork it over.

Zack was making a stew as Arthur entered the kitchen. He was flushed, had a glow, his hair was messy, and he was surprisely warm. Zack pulled him and whispered," Did you did what I think you did with that special girl that I think that you did which you probably did but was nervous but got over it anyway?"

"What? Yes? I don't know what you said." Arthur said confused.

His grandfather stabbed him in the back with a kitchen knife, yelling," Gotcha you sonofabitch!" Arthur crinched, and pulled the knife out. Then fainted from blood lost.


6 hours pass........

Arthur woke in a daze in the apartment. He was shirtless, wearing only bandages and pants. Skye hugged him, saying," Thank God you're okay! Zack carried you the pickup and we drove home. And stitched you up nicely, okay?"

Arthur breathed out, saying," Well I'm okay. Lets never go back there." Skye nodded, teary-eyed. (She mothers Arthur. It's like she almost lost her child.) Zack entered the room, smiling and gave Arthur a card. He said,

"Good to see you awake, sleepy-head. Roxanne wanted me to give that to you." Arthur looked at the card. It read Roxanne's number, and said:

I hope you feel better big boy. Lets have fun together again soon! Call me!

Arthur blushed, than fainted. Zack fell onto the floor laughing his head off.

Ze End =3
Next Chapter:
The Casner Beat Down

 

[Mitsuki_SOS]

Okie, for some reason I liked this chapter xD

Comments

When Roxanne was seducing Arthur and he was falling for it, that made me laugh soooo hard xD Lolz. Lots of the stuff in here made me laugh, like when the grandfather tried killing Arthur. Erm...Why did he try killing him again? Does he have a bad memory or something and thought he was in a war and Arthur was the bad guy? Or does he just not like Arthur? Anyway, Roxanne came on too strong :/ Poor Arthur. He didn't stand a chance. I have to say some of the stuff involved in the story was really funny, like when Arthur said he framed Oswald for getting his grandfather to like him. Haha xD

Suggestions and Critique

Okie, well...
Lots of punctuation mistakes. For example:

"Man, it's been forever since we see grandpa, grandma, and the cousins." Skye stated happy to see them.

For sentences like this, Skye is continuing to talk even when stating something, and so there should be a comma there instead of a period. When she's stating happily, it's describing what she said, so there should still be a comma there. Also, there were some grammar issues as well. In the example above, Skye says: "Man, it's been forever since we see grandpa, grandma and the cousins." You confused present tense with past tense. It should be, "Man, it's been forever since we last saw grandpa, grandma and the cousins."
Also, there could've been more description. You described what they were wearing, but even that wasn't enough. What about the atmosphere? The environment? The texture? The color? It seemed as if the paragraphs were hungering for these.
Also, please proofread before posting. There are a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes. And it was abrupt when the grandfather came and stabbed him...That caught me off guard. It went too fast after that.
I appreciated some of the background you gave, but what kind of vampires are they? Personally I always thought that vampires couldn't have blood, so maybe giving some facts about these vampires in future chapters would help straighten out some confusion.

Overall, it was funny and decent. Good job! If you'd like me to point out the mistakes I saw, then please let me know (If any of what I said was hurtful/offensive/insulting/mean/rude, then you have my humblest apologies Dx It was unintentional.)

 

[DracoKnight14]

Glad to hear you liked it, and I like proof read next time. xD I'll make sure to fix grammar mistakes, I'll remember to describe the enviroment more, and next time I'll give grandpa his reasons for attempt of murder. ;3

 

[Mitsuki_SOS]

Haha thank you xD It is appreciated. The story is very funny so far. x3

 

[DracoKnight14]

I live to make the people laugh my friend x3

 

[Mitsuki_SOS]

Lolz xD Then your life goal has been accomplished. You made me laugh. xD

 

[DracoKnight14]

Yes! x3 lolz

 

[DracoKnight14]

Dedicated to Mitsuki_SOS =3
Chapter 3-The Casner Beatdown

Arthur was out of the apartment. Yeah, he leaves. Don't judge. He was at a GMC Truck Dealer in New Jersey. It was rather bright, and there was almost no snow. The trucks in the lot were shining and clean. The sun was almost bright enough to burn Arthur's thin vampire skin. He took off his leather jacket, threw it into the back of his current pickup, and approached the building.

Meanwhile.....
"Where the hell is Arthur?" Zack asked," We were suppose to spare today!"

"He's at the car dealer." Skye said," Every 10 years, after January 1st, he'd go down to Jersey and buy a truck. This year is GMC."

"Argh, what am I suppose to do now? It's not like my fun gonna fall outta the sky!" Zack yelled. The 7th floor is the final floor in the building, and suddenly a meteorite broke through the roof and landed on Zack's feet. "ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

At the Dealer.....

Arthur entered the building. A cool breeze passed him and he breathed. "Ah, the smell of Mexicans working hard on building trucks to get their pay. Reminds me of home." A young lady, no older than 17, no younger than 15, came up to Arthur.

She wore a black polo shirt and nice fitting jeans. She has a pale complexion, with rosey pink cheeks and long, dark brown hair. Her eyes were black, like pits. "I'm Faye, I'll be your dealer today." She said calmly and smiled.

"H-hi I-I'm F-Feather ArthurStone, wait I m-mean.....I'm A-A-Arthur Featherstone! Yes that's my name! Arthur Featherstone." Yeah he acts awkward around pretty girls. Wanna know why? FLASH BACK

1760
Havard College

Arthur sat next to the young George Washington. Their English teacher was 25 years old, and had a rather large bust - big breast that jiggle. She stood in front of Arthur, smacking a ruler in her hand. "Again-WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!" She yelled. George laughed, while Arthur said,

"I love you." He then got smacked across the face.

Current Time....

"I love college." Arthur said randomly.

"Ok, come with me and we'll pick out a car." Faye said and walked outside. "Aren't you gonna come?" Faye asked Arthur, who was still inside. "Aw, your shy." Faye grabbed his hand and walked him outside.

Meanwhile.....
"GET THIS MOTHER OF A ROCK OFF MY FEET!!!!" Zack yelled, as Skye threw water on it to put the fire out. She rolled the same meteorite off his feet, then threw water to put the fire out on his feet. Zack screamed, as Skye inspected the meteorite.

She asked," Where did you think it came from?" Zack walked to the closest, took out one of Arthur's 9 iron golf clubs and smashed the meteorite.

"Take that you.....huh!?" Zack was surprised when the meteorite cracked open and split in two. It was filled with crystal (Not the drug, drugs aren't in this one. Bums.). "I think we got millions of dollars right there....." Zack said happily.

Dealer......
"Okay, this here is a Yukon. 8 seats, automatic transmission, Vortect 5.8l V8, and trailering equitment." Faye said, placing a hand on the vehicle. Arthur finally found the courage to talk.

"I think I'll have a test drive." He said smiling.

After 1 hour of talking and test driving....

The Yukon came to a quick stop. Faye was laughing, than asked," So that's what happened?"

Arthur nodded and said," I never seen a girl scout so mad about pot brownies." They both started laughing together. Arthur stopped and wiped a tear from his eye, and asked," Hey Faye, do you live in an apartment?"

"Nah, I'm moving out of my parents' house. I need one." She said sadly.

"I think I know where you can go." Arthur said smiling," Oh and I'll take the truck on 2 conditions."

"Those are?"

"I want it in black, and a new best friend." Arthur said. The two began to hug in the truck (Audience goes aw) HEY! THIS IS A STORY AND I'M NARRATING! GET LOST!! (Whining) That's more like it....

2 days later....

"Wow, 1 million dollars worth of crystals, gone." Zack said crying.

"I told you to watch the stand!" Skye said, mad at Zack. The two opened a stand to sell it, but a big black man with a golden pig tatooed on his face stole it.

Arthur entered the apartment carrying 3 boxes. "I got a new truck, and a new roomy!" Faye came in smiling, than Zack beared his fangs. Faye quickly hid behind Arthur for protection. "Oh, yeah, we're vampires," he added," don't worry I won't harm you...." Faye took a deep breath. The hole in the ceiling, the same one caused by the meteorite, started to pour rain water on Skye and Zack.

"CAN THIS WEEK GET ANY WORSE!?" The two exclaimed. Suddenly, lightning striked Zack, eletrocuting him. He hit the floor, and his leg twitched. Arthur, Faye, and Skye started for a minute. Zack came to, looked at Faye, and asked," Mommy?"

The End! =3
Next Chapter-Journey to the Center of the Punk (Faye's Song)

 

[Mitsuki_SOS]

Awwz x3 I feel special. I feel special special. I feel more special than when my mom called me special, but I don't really know who Ed is... (If any of you got that joke, then you get a cookie x3 I kinda worded it weird, so don't feel bad if you didn't get it D

Thank you! That was so sweet! =D

Comments

LOLZ. This made me laugh a lot. xD The part where I was really giggling was when they did the flash back to Arthur in college. That was hilarious. HE WAS SITTING NEXT TO GEORGE WASHINGTON. AWESOME. I'm pretty sure George Washington was a farmer though xD He might've been a lawyer, but I'm uncertain. And also with the audience, and then the narrator snapping at them...That was definitely LOL-worthy x3 And Zack being electrocuted! LOLZ! And it was so abrupt when Arthur was saying to Faye, "Oh yeah, and we're vampires." LOLZ. Normally I would bicker about this kind of stuff, but since this is a comedy, I'll let it slide. Very good! I enjoyed it!

"I love college." Arthur said randomly.

EPIC x3 Also, instead of a period, it should be a comma because you're still describing what he said.

Suggestions and Critique

YOU NEVER LISTED GRANDPA'S REASONS FOR ATTEMPTING MURDER AT ARTHUR. *long dramatic unnecessary gasp* No I'm just kidding, it's okie. xD Explain in the next chapter maybe? I'm sure that it would be hard to abruptly fit it in the next chapter, so maybe somewhere in future chapters you can explain why Grandpa attempted murder at Arthur. Also, I'm still seeing punctuation and grammar mistakes Dx I'm gonna smack you with a ruler if you don't fix those D< No I'm just kidding xD I wouldn't smack you with a ruler. But did you proofread? Remember to space correctly and not put commas next to quotation marks. And also I do believe it's Harvard College. Not Havard. xD Silleh! Annnddd...Yes. Punctuation and grammar mistakes left and right. If you wish for me to point them out, then I will.
Also, the description is gradually improving, but it seems like you're just listing stuff. I know this is a comedy, but it can still contain more description.
For example, instead of: It was rather bright, and there was almost no snow. The trucks in the lot were shining and clean. The sun was almost bright enough to burn Arthur's thin vampire skin.
Maybe it could be: The brightness of the sun seemed to overpopulate the melted snow, and the reflection of it beamed against the various painted trucks positioned and arranged in the parking lot. It was a stunning day to vampire's especially since the sun was shackling the ground with warmth that would usually be hidden behind an array of clouds.

Something along those lines.


Anyway, I loved it! Faye was awesome, (Thank you again!!! =D) Skye was awesome, Arthur was awesome and Zack was awesome xD Basically, all the characters were awesome. You just need to work on punctuation, grammar and description. Everything else was quite enjoyable, and it's very accomplished for a comedy. Excellent job! =D

 

[DracoKnight14]

Lol thank you so much! Hey I have an idea, since I have poor grammar, do you want to ve my editor? =3 And thank you ver much!

 

[DracoKnight14]

Hey everyone I just posted to let you know Chapter 4 will be up either tomorrow, Sunday or Monday. I'll promise it will be hilarious and I'm warning you now, it shall be dirty. xD Expect crime, the return of Roxanne, pot, and plenty of misfortunes.