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A boy and his adorable fox

Light Fang

Being called Emo.
Joined
Jan 21, 2009
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Chapter 1 The best birthday ever!

Today is the 13th birthday of a young boy named Saijo. He is a special kid that people pick on because he is too friendly. If he ever gets mad he quickly apologizes, yet he is adored by Pokémon because he is so sweet and caring towards them. Since today is his 13th birthday, he is finally old enough to have a Pokémon of his own.

“Happy Birthday Saijo!”
“Ah Mom thank you,” he says.
“Here open your present…”

Saijo’s mother hands him a small box with blue wrapping paper and a red ribbon tying it up. Saijo carefully opens it to avoid tearing the paper while his mother takes pictures of him. Saijo gets to the box that had been wrapped up and pulls out of it a…

“A Luxury ball!" he says excitedly.
“For your first Pokémon. Now your father is waiting for you outside to take you to the forest for your first Pokémon outing.”
“Ok bye mom!”
“Just remember be safe,” his mother tells him as he runs outside and hops into the car with his father. They drive off to the forest where many Pokémon live and roam around happily.

“Ok now before we start son I have to give you these Poffins,” says Saijo's dad.
“Why?”
“You use them to get closer to Pokémon so you can catch them, but they will be harder to catch while eating.”
“And?”
“And then you throw mud to weaken them.”
“Do I have to?” he sadly asks.
“If you want to catch one," his father tells him before giving him the Poffins. Saijo heads off into the woods. While walking through the forest, Saijo notices Pikachus in the trees, Caterpies climbing up the trees on their trunks, then an angry Vespiquen coming straight for his dad and him.

“Son… I think that we should… RUN!!!!”
“No dad wait…”

As Saijo’s father takes off Saijo takes out a poffin, places it in his hand, and points it out to the Vespiquen. She stops and takes it from him and Saijo notices a thorn stuck in her side. He pulls it out and as his dad walks back over toward his either brave or crazy son, he sees the Vespiquen allow him to stroke her softly with his hand.

“So son is this what your going to catch then?”
“No I was just wanting to help it because it was in pain and… DAD!?”
“What?”
“MAD URSARING!” he yells, pointing at the charging Pokémon.
“UH-OH! And today had to be the day I leave my Hitmonlee at home.”
“VESPI VESPIQUEN!”

The Vespiquen attacks the Ursaring to protect the kind young boy, to show her sign of true appreciation towards him, and to show that she cared for him. She knocks him out cold with a Power Gem. Vespiquen nuzzles and hugs him a bit before flying off towards the distant trees.

“You truly are a lucky kid son…," Saijo's dad tells him.
“I guess so…”
“Now let's go; you still have your Luxury ball to use.”
“Right.”

Saijo walks onward with his father, but instead of catching one of the many Pokémon they encounter, Saijo passed out Poffins and became friends with every single Pokémon that they had come across. His father was getting tired while Saijo looked like he could run a marathon.

“I’m going to go back to the car. Meet me when you’ve caught something ok?”
“Ok dad, bye.”

As his dad walks back to the car, Saijo heads deeper into the woods. He doesn’t see a certain sign giving a warning for the area he is entering. The sign reads: *Ariados mating grounds. Keep out to avoid any poisoning do to Ariados.*

“Why is it so quiet in this part of the woods?”
“Vulpix!”

This sudden sound surprise Saijo that he falls over and finds a Vulpix stuck to a giant web. Without thinking, he grabs the Vulpix pulling it free from the webs and he gets to learn the Vulpix is a girl when it stretches showing him her belly.

“Oh that is so cute… Now how did you-”
“VUL!”
“ARIADOS!”

His question is both cut short and answered when a bunch of Ariados surround him. Vulpix jumps out of his hands and runs at away from the Ariados like a bullet.

“HEY WAIT FOR ME!”

Saijo runs after the Vulpix when an Ariados tries to catch the Vulpix in its string shot. Saijo throws a not so good mud ball to distract it and then he catches the Vulpix using his Luxury ball as to keep her safe. He then finds himself near the car and his dad.

“Ah Saijo you ready?”
“YES! NOW DRIVE DAD DRIVE!” he yells.
“Ok why the rush?”

The Ariados start to jump at the car, so Saijo’s dad takes off leaving the Ariados to cough from a cloud of dust that the wheels had turned up…

To be continued…
 
Last edited:
I always try not to be too harsh on people when I see stories, but I'm afraid I really didn't like this one.

Your character being male, I'm afraid, does not stop him being a Mary Sue.

Even if your character was not a Mary Sue, the action is waaaaaaay too jumpy.

There are a few grammatical/spelling errors, I suggest you proof read, you'll probably be able to spot them yourselves.

Yeah, apart from the whole 'exit stage left pursued by bear' there was no risk or intensity involved whatsoever. Generally, for a story to be interesting, there has to be some chance, no matter how minute, of something the reader does not want to happen happening. That's a blanket rule, of course, I'm sure there's a brilliant story out there that goes against that rule but I think nine times out of ten, that rule is correct.

I'm not saying give up on this fanfic because if you just try and take what I've said on board, you can still save it. I like the idea of the boy catching his first Pokemon in some sort of Safari Zone typed place (is this the Pastoria Marsh?), that's very original. I think in the next chapter, you should work on your main character a bit and just try and make things a little more interesting.
 
Today is the 13th birthday of a young boy named Saijo he is a special kid that people pick on because he is to nice to people if he ever gets mad he quickly apologizes to them but yet he is adored by Pokemon because he is so sweet and caring towards them and since today is his 13th birthday he is finally old enough to have a Pokemon of his own.

Today is the 13th birthday of a young boy named Saijo. (period) (capital) He is a special kid that people pick on because he is to nice to people.(period) (capital)If he ever gets mad he quickly apologizes to them,(comma) (but deleted) yet he is adored by Pokemon because he is so sweet and caring towards them.(period)(and deleted)(capital) Since today is his 13th birthday,(comma) he is finally old enough to have a Pokemon of his own.
_________________________________________________________________

Saijo’s mother hands him a small box with Blue wrapping paper and a red ribbon tying it up as Saijo carefully opens it to avoid tearing the paper his mother takes pictures of him then Saijo get’s to the box that had been wrapped up and pulls out of it a…

Saijo’s mother hands him a small box with (lowercase)blue wrapping paper and a red ribbon tying it up(okay, I have no idea what this is(underlined)) as Saijo carefully opens it to avoid tearing the paper.(period)(capital) His mother takes pictures of him (changed then)while Saijo gets(you did get is) to the box that had been wrapped up and pulls out(of a deleted) a…
_________________________________________________________________

His mother tell him as he runs outside and hops into the car with his father and then it is off to the forest where many Pokemon live and roam around happily.

His mother tells(added s) him as he runs outside and hops into the car with his father.(period) (capital)Then it is off to the forest where many Pokemon live and roam (around deleted) happily.
_________________________________________________________________

While walking through the forest Saijo notices Pikachus in the Trees, Caterpies climbing up the trees, then an angry Vespiqueen coming straight for his dad and him.

While walking through the forest,(comma) Saijo notices Pikachu (s deleted; pikachu is plural for pikachu) in the (lowercase)trees, Caterpies climbing up the trees, (then changed to and)and an angry Vespiqueen coming straight for his dad and him.
_________________________________________________________________


As Saijo’s father takes off Saijo takes out a poffin, places it in his hand, and points it out to the Vespiqueen who stops and takes it from him and Saijo notices a thorn stuck in her side so he pulls it out and as his dad walks back over toward his either brave or crazy son he sees the Vespiqueen allow him to stroke her softly with his hand.

As Saijo’s father takes off Saijo takes out a poffin, places it in his hand, and points it out to the Vespiqueen,(comma) who stops and takes it from him.(period)(and deleted) Saijo notices a thorn stuck in her side,(comma) so he pulls it out.(period)(and deleted)(capital) As his dad walks back over toward his either brave or crazy son,(comma) he sees the Vespiqueen who (who added) allows (s added) him to stroke her softly with his hand.
_________________________________________________________________


The Vespiqueen attacks the Ursaring to protect the kind young boy and to show her sign of true appreciation towards Saijo and also to show that she cared for him the Vespiqueen nuzzles and hugs him abit before flying off towards the distant trees.

The Vespiqueen attacks the Ursaring to protect the kind young boy,(comma) and,(comma) to show her sign of true appreciation towards Saijo (and changed to she)(she also to show that she cared for him the Vespiqueen deleted) nuzzles and hugs him a (space added)bit before flying off towards the distant trees.
_________________________________________________________________
Saijo says then walks onward with his father but instead of catching one of the many Pokemon they encounter Saijo passed out Poffins and became friends with every single Pokemon that they had come across and his father was getting tired while Saijo looked like he could run a marathon.

Saijo says then walks onward with his father but instead of catching one of the many Pokemon they encounter Saijo passed out Poffins and became friends with every single Pokemon that they had come across and his father was getting tired while Saijo looked like he could run a marathon. (I can't even figure this one out)

_________________________________________________________________
As he dad walks back to the car Saijo heads deeper into the woods but he didn’t see a certain sign giving a warning for the area he is entering it reads…

As he dad walks back to the car,(comma) Saijo heads deeper into the woods.(period) (but deleted) (capital) He didn’t see a certain sign giving a warning for the area he is entering.(period) (capital)It reads…

_________________________________________________________________
This sudden sound surprise him that Saijo falls over then find a Vulpix stuck to a giant web and without thinking he grabs the Vulpix pulling it free from the webs and he gets to learn the Vulpix is a girl when it stretches showing him her belly.

This sudden sound surprise him that Saijo falls over then find a Vulpix stuck to a giant web and without thinking he grabs the Vulpix pulling it free from the webs and he gets to learn the Vulpix is a girl when it stretches showing him her belly.(I can't decipher this on either)

_________________________________________________________________
His question is both cut short and answered when a bunch of Ariados surround him and then the Vulpix jumps out of his hands and runs of like a bullet.

His question is both cut short and answered when a bunch of Ariados surround him and then the Vulpix jumps out of his hands and runs of like a bullet.(I have no idea what to do here)

_________________________________________________________________
Saijo runs after the Vulpix when an Ariados tries to catch the Vulpix in its string shot so Saijo throws a not so good mud ball to distract it and then he catches the Vulpix using his Luxury ball as to keep her safe and then he finds himself near his dad.

Saijo runs after the Vulpix ( when changed to while)while an Ariados tries to catch the Vulpix in its string shot. (period)Saijo throws a not so good mud ball to distract it and then he catches the Vulpix using his Luxury ball(as deleted)(underlined part I do not understand) to keep her safe and then he finds himself near his dad.
_________________________________________________________________
The Ariados start to jump at the car so Saijo’s dad takes off leaving the Ariados to cough from a cloud of dust that the wheels had turned up…

The Ariados start to jump at the car,(comma) so Saijo’s dad takes off,(comma) leaving the Ariados to cough from a cloud of dust that the wheels had turned up…
_________________________________________________________________

The plot was okay, but your grammar was in the dumps. No offense. You also need to add so much more description. Did you rush on this? No one is forcing you to write dude. I hope you will be my friend. ~TGM
 
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