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A Galactic Lullaby

M

Mercury

Girlfriend of Saturn
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
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Chapter 1

I walked to Cyrus's office with a few grunts. My heart pounded nervously. What was going to happen to us?

Earlier this week, Saturn and I played a trick on Cyrus and Mars. Now we were paying for our crime.

Saturn knocked on the hard steel door that entered into Cyrus's huge room. Mars looked through a small window on the door, then unlocked it for us. Saturn and I walked in. Our grunts waited outside the door.

Cyrus rose up from a black swivel chair behind a large desk. Saturn and I kneeled as he stood above us.

Cyrus looked down at our humbled bodies on the ground. "Saturn, Mercury, get up. Why don't you two explain that little prank of yours to Mars and I?"

Saturn looked up at Cyrus. I also raised my bowed head. "Master, Mercury and I were working on the Galactic bomb as you ordered us to..."

Cyrus cut us off with a snap of his fingers. "Never mind, I don't want your stupid explanations. I know what you two have done. You set the bomb here in my office. When I opened the door it blew up, and it took my grunts several days to clean this place. That time was WASTED!"

Saturn shuddered. He could tell how upset our boss was, and that itself was rare.

Cyrus took another step towards us. "Mercury, Saturn, I know you two like being Commanders, and I expect more than these childish pranks from you two. So... You two will be excluded from the next mission, and for the rest of this month, you two will be working as grunts. Jupiter, Mars, and Charon will take your place. Grunts, leave me."

We left the room, horrified at our demotion. "I can't believe we're forced to be grunts for this month!" I exclaimed. I pulled my long navy blue hair out of a ponytail holder and let it fall over my shoulders in waves.

Saturn bowed his head. "To pull the prank we did, and then to be punished- we just got what we deserved."

I looked at Saturn sadly. "Satu, why are you always so hard on yourself?"

Saturn looked away from me. He knew I only called him Satu when I was very worried. "Mercury, you've just recently become a Commander. When you've worked for Team Galactic for as long as I have, and get to understand who Cyrus truly is..."

He leaned his head against the cold metal wall and sighed deeply.

I stepped closer to him and gently put my arms around him. I was surprised he didn't try to shake me off. Instead, he turned around and hugged me back. I could feel him breathing deeply, his muscular chest heaving, the warmth of both our bodies comforting him. After awhile, he let me go. "Thanks mercury, I needed that."

He turned away from me and walked to his room.

I began heading towards my own room, confused. Who was Cyrus really? Obviously we were evil, but what Saturn had said changed my thoughts about everything. It was as if Cyrus was going to hurt Saturn more than he already had. Saturn had never been an extremely happy person, but I'd never seen him this down either. There was no one to talk to, and though I needed answers, I couldn't bother Saturn.

I unlocked the small room I had been given, laid down in my bed, and fell into a restless sleep.


End of Chapter one.... If you guys like this I will post chapter 2! ^_^ All comments are appreciated!
 
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This seems like a very good one. I can say it has started off very interestingly.
 
Some idea as to who Mercury is would be nice, and go a little more with what had happened. How can a bomb that blows up a lake only cause an office to need cleaning?

That said, you're already ahead of a lot of Galactic writers insofar as you have Cyrus showing emotion. Too many people take him at face value when he says he doesn't have them and don't get that he's lying about it (granted, he'd LIKE it to be true, but...).
 
Chapter 2

At 5:00 AM the next morning, I got out of bed and got ready to put on my uniform which was lying at the foot of my bed. But instead of the usual halter/miniskirt/boots outfit, there was a simple grunt uniform in it's place. I scowled and put it on.

I brushed my teeth and put my hair up in it's usual curly ponytail, then sprinted out of the room.

I jogged past the cafeteria and grabed a bagel. As I passed the Commander's meeting, I looked at the next room, which was where all the grunts met. I saw the dark blue hair of Saturn, which was out of place in the sea of aqua heads. His head was down in embarrassment.

I finished my bagel, took a deep breath, and walked into the room and stood next to Saturn. "Do you know what we're supposed to be doing?" I whispered.

He shook his head. A female grunt overheard me and looked at me, then gasped. "Commander Saturn and Commander Mercury?!?! What's going on?"

Saturn brought his face close to hers. "Listen Violet. Tell us what we're doing."

The female grunt, apparently named Violet, screamed and ran off. "OMG He knows my name!!!" she yelled.

I sighed. Another grunt, male this time, informed me that we were waiting for Jupiter, Mars, Charon, and Cyrus to come in and give us our orders." Oh, and by the way, I'm Dave."

I nodded, and Dave walked away.

Saturn gave me a quick kiss on my cheek. "Just thought I'd tell you this. Mercury... Don't worry about Violet. You're mine."

I felt my heart speed up. I blushed and gazed into Saturn's stormy blue eyes. He laughed quietly and then without warning, he kissed my lips, even though we were standing near all of the grunts. We were so caught up in the moment that we didn't notice every single grunt around us snap to attention.

Cyrus entered the room and walked onto a small platform. Following him were Mars, Jupiter, and Charon. Normally, Saturn and I would've been there with the others.

Cyrus tapped the microphone. "We have an announcement to make. Two grunts are temporarily joining you. I'm sure you will recognize them as Saturn and Mercury, and also the only two grunts to be kissing in the center of the room."

All eyes turned to us. Suddenly I realized that the boss and Commanders were there, and that everyone was laughing at us. I'd never been so humiliated in my life. I awkwardly let go of Saturn and turned to face our superiors.Cyrus continued.

"These two former Commanders have been forced to work as grunts for a month as punishment for something they did. They also will be excluded from our next mission. Taking their places will be Violet and Dave."

He handed Violet my uniform and Dave Saturn's. "For the time being, you two are Commanders."

End of Chapter 2

If you like this I will post Chapter 3 ^_^ And thanks for the comments!
 
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Yeah I guess I did sort of rush into the relationship... but I love Saturn.:crush: And they didnt notice that Cyrus walked in. Didnt you read that they were too caught up in the moment? And the reason it took the other Commanders was that... I guess Cyrus just wanted them with him to humiliate Mercury and Saturn. To show them like "ooooh in your face your not Commanders anymore." Something like that.
 
Honestly, it doesn't matter if YOU love Saturn. What matters is that you need to walk us through the stages and show us HOW your CHARACTER and Saturn fall for each other. Otherwise you have a Mary Sue that Saturn just throws himself at for no reason, and nobody wants to read that.
 
I see. So do you expect me to like edit it and write all that? Because that seems rather hard... But if I see that no one likes it, then I will change it.
 
Rewrites are done, and your fic is pretty short. Because really the thought of commanders being punished is an interesting one, but the telling here needs a lot of work. We're being thrown this non-canon commander with no framework around her, no context, and no history. We don't know what she looks like, acts like (aside from that she pulls pranks on the one person in the team she should know better than to pull pranks ON), why she joined, anything. And you center the entire story around her.

I know the impulse in putting yourself into a fic is to make yourself perfect, but that's called a Mary Sue and it makes for dreadful reading. Self-inserts can be done well, but you have to show yourself for how you really are. Now, a case could be made for Saturn throwing himself at someone, given that he seems to be very desperate for attention, but it has to be done mindfully.
 
Very interesting, but, good advice. When I actually have the TIME to edit it, then yes, I will.
 
I agree you have a good idea here, try to richen the story with more detail and charactarization.
 
Please note: The thread is from 17 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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