EVERYONE: - Ongoing A Heroes Legacy

[tre44]

I hope all you guys like dis one

 

[tre44]

Ever since the year 2000 there has been yearly tournaments called Grand Complex Tournament and 50 years its still Exciting. 14 years after Ash landed thru sinnoh.



Annoucer: Ladies and Gentlemen are you ready for the final match.
(crowd yells except for a baby in the front with its mother)
Annoucer: Well Here are the finalist Ace and the nortorious Slash.
(the finalist walk onto the stage)
Annoucer:this battle will be a six on six.
Ace:Go Garchomp and infernape
Slash: Go igglypuff and caterpie
Ace: you got to be kidding flame wheel infernape
Annoucer: lokk it knocked out its opponent
Slash:return go drapion and dolphan
Ace:GArchomp use giga impact and infernape focus blast.
(infernape cupped its hands around its head and used up alot of energy)
Slash: Drapion hyper beam donphan giga impact
(soon as the attacks hit a cloud of smoke appears)
Annoucer: hold on ladies and gentlemen we have to wait for it to clear)
Annoucer5 seconds later it clears)it seems garchomp ft. but infernape hurt
Ace: you did good return garchomp go porygon z use earth quake infernape fly high porygon z.
Annoucer:Slash is to late to call his move as infernape grows red
Slash: o well go electivire and charz(a shiny charizard)
Ace:return infernape go lucario porygon z use tri beam and lucario aura sphere
slashrotect and then follow up with cross chop on both
Annoucer:wow slash combo works
Acerygon z no lucario get up
Annoucer: lucario is nailed to the floor by electivire
SLAsh:Blast burn on lucarios face
Annoucer: hold on wat u just say i knew i shouldn't have let a criminal in
Ace:no lucario
(a explosion is created and a cry is heard)
Aceruns to get lucario)
Annoucer: wait if you go out there u lose
Acestrugglein he recalls lucario and porygon Z)
Ace: u bastard go tyranitarr use rock slide
slash: charizaed u did good electivire use thunder
ace:Earthquake tyranitarr
Annoucer: As the winner result of the lost battle the Champion!!!!!!!!
(ace booms off stage and to the nearest Pokemon Center on the floor a note
Tell my wife and Newborn son to meet at PC)
Annoucer: picks up the note and calls 9-1-1
Annoucer: police arest that man.
police: you could get 10 yrs for this.
slash:so at least i my son will avenge in that time

10 yrs later

ACE JR: y doesn't dad compete in tournaments anymore.
Mom: his lucario got burned at the last one you know this.
AJ: aw ok when do i begin my journey
Mom:today but u are different your father will tell you
(Ace steps in)
Ace: lucario seems energetic today
AJ: When will my journey begin
Ace: right now come to the field with me.
( they step into a field big as 5 football fields and see professor rowan)
Rowan:hey ace hey AJ
Ace: now Aj pick wat starter will you choose
(rowan chooses threw pokeballs and three pokemon come out)
AJ: I choose chimcar
Ace: woah are you sure
AJ: yes.
Ace: now here are three pokeballs go into the fieldand catch 2 pokemon and hatch this egg(pulls out a egg with dark blue strips)now don"t come back until you do

8hrs later

AJ: i'm here dad
Ace:show me all your pokemon
AJreleases all 4 of his pokemon which are a chimcar,torchic,totodile)
Ace:the egg still did not hatch so why did you come back
AJ: it is moving alot(just then it Hatches into a ...........)
Until Next time

 

[tre44]

so what do u think the egg is

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Seriously, I don't care what the egg is. The story failed to grab me, mostly because it had a near-complete lack of any description. Who are these people? Why should we care what happens to them?

And really, you TRIPLE posted. Come on now.

 

[stickynotes5]

I agree with BlackJack. Put more description and watch your spelling. If you have Microsoft Word, the use the spell check option.

 

[Reed]

If you have Microsoft Word, the use the spell check option.

Adding to this statement, if you don't have Microsoft Word, you can use SpellCheck.net or download Firefox 2, which has a built-in spell-checker.

I occasionally hear people say that they don't consider spelling and/or grammar important so long as they get their message across. I disagree. Typing improperly is equivalent to speaking with a bit of spinach stuck between one's teeth; the listener may follow what's being said, but his/her attention will be drawn to the spinach. When you're trying to tell a story, the delivery is more important still. To be perfectly honest with you, I didn't read the entire thing. I read the first sentence and skipped through the rest. Obviously, this isn't the desired effect. It's easy to state that this tournament is a highly anticipated event, but you should aim to show this to the reader. Why is it anticipated so? Where does it take place? How many people are gathered? How many people are participating? What does it take to get there?

Skimming through the battle, I also note that the lack of punctuation negates any sense of urgency. In my head, I hear, "no lucario get up" in computerized monotone, but I would hear, "No, Lucario! Get up!" in a very desperate voice, the voice of someone deeply concerned about his friend and partner.

I don't want to tell you your business, but if you're interested in writing, it's much more rewarding to create emotion and struggle than it is to simply state what's happening. I, personally, have a certain preference for novel-styled writing, but if script-style is your preference, then perhaps you should research a few scripts for plays, read them through and take note of the structure. I can start you off with this one, if you'd like. Anyway, it's your choice how far you would like to pursue this, and I certainly don't expect every casual fanfic author to be perfect, but I thought that I would offer some advice nonetheless.

Edit: Tre, you don't have private messages enabled, so I can't write you back. You can enable private messages here.

 

[tre44]

do it now