EVERYONE: A Passerby Boy's story

[Psycho Deoxys]

Index!
Part 1: The Beginning of The End
Part 2: Gym 1: Feather Dust

by Blazaking


Chapter 1: Johto
Part 1: The beginning of an endless journey​

“Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.

Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:
“Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.

“How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…

Silver is looking through the window of Prof. Elm’s lab.

“Here you go, Ethan. That’s a Cyndaquil Poké Ball”, he said, giving the Poké Ball to the young boy.

Overjoyed by his first Pocket Monster, Ethan opened the poke Ball and held the Pokémon in his arms.
“I think I’ll name him Pyro” Ethan Said.

The professor then said something about an errand, a discovery and a Mr. Pokémon, and then Ethan leaved.

Then, when professor Elm had his back turned, Silver sneaked in, and stole a Totodile and ran away heading west to Cherrygrove city, kicking off any Pokémon on his way.

On the entrance of Cherrygrove, he met up with Ethan:
"Who are you?! Get out of my way", he said, throwing out a Pokéball.

Totodile popped out of it. Ethan didn't even have to do this, as Pyro was standing right next to him. Pyro approached Totodile a bit, who, without any alert, sprayed a Water Gun at him, almost knocking him out. When Totodile saw that Pyro didn't faint, he started dancing in a weird manner.

"What the...", Silver said.

"That's Dragon Dance!" Ethan noted, "But Totodile aren't supposed to learn that move..."

"Enough talking!", shouted Silver,"Totodile, finish up that Cyndaquil with... Any move you know!"

Totodile's claws glowed green, and he slashed Pyro, who tried to counter with Ember, but failed and fainted.

“That’s no ordinary Totodile!”, Ethan said with confusion but Silver had already scurried out of his sight. He was running like never before the wind was blowing through his hair. As he arrived to Route 30, he saw a few boys battling and blocking the way.

“Make a hole!”, he said with anger

“We’re kinda busy here!”, said a boy using a Rattata.

“If you’re not gonna go away, I’m gonna make you!”, shouted Silver as he released his Totodile, “Water Gun!”. As he said that, a stream of water rushed out of Totodile’s mouth and hit the other boy’s Pidgey, sending him 10 feet away. “Now back off kid, unless you want your Rattata to suffer the same thing!”

“Don’t you know who I am?”, said the kid, “I am Joey Grant, the toughest trainer around! Now Rattata, use Hyper Fang and show this rebel how we do it!”

“Rebel? Seriously? Totodile counter with that glowing-scratch-thing attack!”

Before Rattata could arrive to Totodile, the latter’s fingers glowed green and scratched the former, who fainted directly. Joey showed a look of disappointment in his face. Keeping his undefeated streak was the most precious things he ever had.

Silver, feeling guilty for the first time in his life, told him he won’t tell anyone about this battle on one condition: helping him on his quest. Joey was more than happy to do so as he always wanted to explore Johto. Thus began the adventure of the formerly known Passerby Boy: Silver
.
But this adventure is far from easy as a sinister presence, or, should I say, two sinister presences are ready to be unleashed on Johto!



Download To view Offline and Bonus Content!
View attachment Part 1 The Begginning Of The End.rar

 

[Kavidun]

I quite like the idea, but look at other fics on the forum and see they have longer chapters. I can't really mark on a Chapter this short, so please lengthen it.

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

Um.. How about I make it chapter 1 part 1?

 

[Zekurom]

Yeah... best idea would be to make it longer. Both include more plot, and flesh out what you have already. You're just zooming through everything like you're just summarizing what happens.

There's nothing wrong with a summary, but when a summary is the entire story, it tends to leave people... unsatisfied.

And making it "chapter 1 part 1" is fine.

 

[Kavidun]

I'd be able to give a detailed response if it was longer.

 

[White Len]

“Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.
Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:
“Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.
“How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…

Silver is looking through the window of Prof. Elm’s lab.
“Here you go, Ethan. That’s a Cyndaquil Poké Ball”, he said, giving the Poké Ball to the young boy.
Overjoyed by his first Pocket Monster, Ethan opened the poke Ball and held the Pokémon in his arms.
“I think I’ll name him Pyro” Ethan Said.
The professor then said something about an errand, a discovery and a Mr. Pokémon, and then Ethan leaved.
Then, when professor Elm had his back turned, Silver sneaked in, and stole a Totodile…

These two make for brilliant events for a prologue or a chapter one. You're packing two sandwiches for lunch today. However, as your story is, both sandwichs are just bread. Nothing is in between the slices of bread. it feels unfufilling just bringing two bland sandwiches to school for lunch.

Add meat. Ham. Pork. The main juiciness of the "sandwich" subplot is the plot. Your characters are just having teir Pokemon throw their strongest attacks at each other. No. That's not how you get to the championship. You get there by tactical choices. Let's see you take on a UU team with a Feraligatr which does nothing but blast Hydro Cannon. Won't work. You want your meat to be the main feature of your sandwich, so make it as interesting as possible. Have them battle for a little more than just their final attacks being thrown back and forth. Have them exchange blows, flames, punches, kicks, roars. Anything that would make this subplot more...interesting?

Your other sandwich also needs more meat. So he steals it. Big deal. Add the meat. Maybe he runs into a Team Rocket member. Maybe the main character stumbles in and they engage in battle. Maybe Professor Elm does a wrestling move on him and breaks his left shoulder. We need meat for this sandwich.

Second, we need vegetables. Everyone hates vegetables, but you need them in your sandwich if you want it to be healthy and if you it to pass your mom's health and safety checks. You don't want that rice pudding now. Description is your vegetable. You need to describe the intensity of the attack. Was the Hydro Cannon like a tidal wave or was it like a splash? What was the effect on the opponent's Pokemon? What was the trainer's expression? Questions that need answers. Sandwiches which need vegetables.

So you've got meat, you've got veg, what else? Cheese? Sauce? Grab that sauce, grab that sweet delicious characterization. Without characterization, your characters and your entire sandwich, your story, is totally bland. you can bring that sandwich to school, but you're certainly not going to enjoy it. So tell us about Silver's emotions. What was he feeling when his Pokemon was going to be hit with Frenzy Plant? What was he thinking when he stole that Totodile? Ask yourself these questions.

That is all the advice I have to give you. Remember: To make a sandwich (story), you need meat (plot), vegetables (description) and sauce (characterization). Focus on these and you'll probably make a decent Apricot collector sandwich.

 

[Marik]

^Someone's hungry. Anyway, I love Johto. I'll be keeping an eye on this, even if this may infringe on Son of Earth a bit.

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

Um i don't eat pork.. anyways i'll add salad and btw, this is just part of the battle, so Feraligatr could have use like i don't know dragon dance b4

 

[White Len]

Um i don't eat pork.. anyways i'll add salad and btw, this is just part of the battle, so Feraligatr could have use like i don't know dragon dance b4

Keyword? Could have. Your sandwich could have cucumber in it before but it fell out and is sticking to the sides of your lunchbox. Don't tell me what could have happened before. Show us what happened before.

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

You people are so confusing

 

[White Len]

Would you rather I tell you that Ash won the Pokemon League or I tell a story about the battles he had right until that final championship where he beats Gary and becomes the champion?

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

Update!

 

[Ninjawes]

Wow!! Thats a great story Psycho Deoxys!! Cant wait till the other parts!

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

Thanks!

 

[Ivysaur]

You need to work on your spacing, first and foremost. It's a chore to read what is essentially a wall of text. So, instead of this:

“Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.
Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:
“Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.
“How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…

Do this:

“Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” A redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon who obeyed, sending a massive water ball from his mouth, blasting off the fire-type Typhlosion, knocking him out.

Another boy, the owner of Typhlosion nicknamed Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké ball:

“Saur! Go!” , As he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!”, he ordered. Then, huge vines came out from the ground.

“How did I get into this?..”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. Then he remembered…

Aside from that, you need to work your punctuation and spelling. There are also a few awkward-sounding sentences, as well as a few run-on sentences (too long) and the occasional sentence fragment (too short). Also, make sure you stick to one tense; I'm assuming you're going for past tense. Fix all the aforementioned problems, and it looks like this:

“Feraligatr, use Hydro Cannon!” a redheaded boy ordered his Pokémon. It obeyed, and sent a massive water ball from his mouth, which impacted the fire-type Typhlosion and knocked him out.

Another boy, the owner of the Typhlosion which was nickname Pyro, sent him back to his Poké Ball. As he did this, he threw another Poké Ball.

“Saur, Go!” he called, and as he said that, a Venusaur popped out of the Poké Ball. “Saur, use Frenzy Plant!” he ordered, as huge vines came out from the ground.

“How did I get into this...?”, thought the owner of Feraligatr. And then he remembered…

Finally, try to make your writing more dynamic and interesting. Use metaphors and similes, and try to make your writing as descriptive as possible without being too boring. As a final piece of advice, try to make your story your own. Sure, with so many great stories out there, many great writers will end up imitating certain concepts and ideas, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't implement your own ideas.

Hope I helped!

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

Update!

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

“Pidgey! Gust!”

Silver was training his newly caught Pidgey. As Silver was pushing Pidgey to the extreme, Joey was using his Poké Radar to find rare Pokémon. He didn’t notice Ethan right in front of him when his Radar started beeping because of Pyro.

“Silver! I think I found some… Uh oh…”, Joey followed the signal until he arrived at Ethan’s feet. The latter was not very happy about it. He grabbed Joey by his shirt and said “You’re coming with me, kid!”. He then released his Xatu who grabbed the two and flew towards Ecruteak city.

At dusk, Silver was already in Violet city. He was worried about Joey. Where was he? Was he lost? Was he kidnapped? Or murdered? Silver decided to focus on his main goal: Conquer the Pokémon League. He went to sleep. But Joey is n more danger than he thinks: He was in the Burned Tower. The legend says the three beasts will challenge whoever dares to enter the tower. But Ethan played it safe: his Mr. Mime created a force-field around him and Joey.

“Who are you and what do you need from me?”, Joey asked Ethan.

He was tied up on a chair in a place he has no idea of.

“I don’t want anything from you. I just want your red-headed friend.”, Ethan answered, “It’s either you call him, or I force you to. You choose.”

“I- I- I’ll call him sir!”, Joey said, “ Just untie me so I can reach my PokéGear!”

“Just don’t try anything stupid”, Ethan replied. As he said that, Xatu slashed the rope with his wings and it fell off Joey. The latter took his PokéGear and dialed Silver’s number. Silver couldn’t find any sleep. He was still thinking about Joey. He was more than happy when he answered the phone and heard his voice. But his smile disappeared when he told him he was held hostage. Silver promised to do his best to try and save him.

The next day, Silver went to the Pokémon Gym. He had heard the Leader, Falkner, had Flying-Type Pokémon and wanted to ask him if he can fly him to Ecruteak city. Falkner told him that he would if only he beats him in a Gym battle.

“Since this is your first time, I’ll go easy on you. Go Pidgey!”, Falkner said as his threw his Pokéball for Pidgey to pop out of it.

“I’ll fight Flying with Flying! Go Pdgey!”, Silver released his Pidgey and ordered him to use Gust. Falkner’s Pidgey was knocked out, since he was lower leveled than Silver. “How about that for a first time?”

Falkner didn’t say a word. He released his second Pokémon: A Pidgeotto. “You don’t stand a chance against this one”, he said, as Pidgeotto was spinning in circles around Pidgey. Soon, he got so fast Pidgey got carried away by the tornado. Pidgeotto stopped and Pidgey on the groud, fained.

“Go! Totodile!”, Silver released his Totodile who shot a beam of water at the bird Pokémon. Pidgeotto was knocked on the wall but he soon got up and tried to use the Twister attack. Totodile countered with Dragom Claw and Pidgeotto fainted.

Falkner was surprised. He was defeated for the first time in two years. But that didn’t keep him from giving Silver his prize kit. “It contains a badge, a TM and HM enable 1: It allows you to use HM 1 Rock Smash. But you have to get it yourself. Now hop on Pidgeotto. He will take you to Ecruteak city.

 

[thunderlord]

very intersting but update the story

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

What do you mean?

 

[Psycho Deoxys]

Part 3: Shadow Lugia​

As Silver arrived in Ecruteak City, a loud sound of an explosion and smoke was emitted from Burned Tower. He rushed there, fearing Joey would be in the Tower. As he entered the Tower, he saw Joey and Ethan. They weren’t hurt but the Legendary Beasts were trying to get through Ethan’s shield. Silver rushed to their rescue with his newly-evolved Croconaw. He had found some Pokémon who wouldn’t let them pass on his way here and defeated them which caused Totodile to evolve.

“Crconaw, use Scald!” he ordered. Croconaw obeyed and sent a stream of scalding water at the Beasts. The latters backed off and Silver joined Ethan and Joey in their magical bubble. As he stepped in, Ethan punched him in the face and Silver fell on the floor. As he tried to get back up, Ethan grabbed him by the shirt.

“Where is it?” he said.

“Where’s what?” Silver answered.

“The Shadow Emerald used to summon Lugia!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“LIAR!” he punched him in the face again. Silver’s nose was now bleeding.

“The only Emerald I know about is the one attached to my necklace!”

Ethan let him go. Silver fell on the floor. Ethan ripped the necklace off his neck. Then, he put his hand on his chin and ripped off his mask to reveal another face wearing an eye mask whiting out his eyes. The stranger had deep purple hair and was smiling for victory as he was raising the Emerald above his head.

As he did that, Mr. Mime wasn’t focusing on the shield anymore, so Suicune took advantage of that and broke through it, attacking the man tearing his shirt off revealing an elegant black jacket covering a fuchsia shirt.

“Stupid Pokémon!”, The man said, kicking Suicune away, still focusing on the gemstone, as it was now glowing and floating in the air. A few minutes later, a silhouette of a huge Pokémon appeared above the Tower. Silver soon regained consciousness and looked at the huge God-Like Pokémon. He recognized it as Lugia (he had seen pictures of legendary Pokémon in a book), but this one looked corrupt: its skin was of a deep purple, its eyes were red and their ends were jagged instead of straight. It came down to take the strange man and flew off to an unknown location. The man had left a note to Silver. It said:
”Dear Silver,
We are Team Neo Rocket and we try to take control over Kanto and Johto and we will not tolerate pests, especially not kid pests and we will wipe out any attempt of abortion of our plan. You must understand that a simple speech of discouragement will be severely punished. Steal Pokémon for profit. Exploit Pokémon for profit. All Pokémon exist for the glory of Team Rocket.
Rudely,
Executive Will.”
“Will. Why does that name haunt me so much?”, thought Silver.



Our Heroes:

Our Villains: