TEEN: - Ongoing A Pokemon, A Bad Crime (PG FOR USE OF GUNS, KNIVES AND FIREARMS)

[Gyarados Girl]

Chapter 1: The Case Of Jenny/ Jenny's Case
While it was a good day at Kanto, Jenny of Viridian saw a blasted hole near the Police Centre. She ran to the hole to investigate the crime. One of her assistants saw a trail of coal near the lobby and leads to the bank.
They saw the vault empty.
Jenny cried "This is a case of the Pokemon Bank Robber, Peter Bobby Roberts."
One of her assistants asked "Who's Peter Bobby Roberts?"
Jenny answered "Peter Bobby Roberts A.K.A. Pete B.R. is a expert bank and Pokemon robber. He was very bad man. It was rumored that he followed the footsteps of his father Bob Roberts who was also an expert bank and Pokemon robber. In other words he's 24 and will not stop until' he gets all the Pokemon in the world. We need Ash, Misty, and Brock. Pronto!"
They all nodded, and group-by-group they set out to Pewter, Cerulean, and Pallet.
Meanwhile, in Pallet Ash and the house Mr. Mime---Mimey were helping Delia put up the table. Then a boom came into Ash's house. His house was filled with smoke, Delia used Mimey for his Magic Coat and stopped the smoking. When they saw it was all clear Ash saw that his Pikachu was gone and saw Pete B.R. with his Pikachu, and holding a knife.
He shouted to Ash "Halt, or this Pikachu will be hit!!!"
Ash stopped. He has no choice, either Pikachu will be hit or he will go ahead and use a Pokemon.
Jenny cried "Give back that Pikachu. You are..." just before Jenny could finish
Pete B.R. ran away.
Ash puzzled asked "Jenny, who was that?"
Jenny answered "A Pokemon-Bank Robber, Pete B.R. Don't turn your back on him Ash, he might strike you, aim you or shoot you! My team is sentencing your friends to come here immediatly! I'm sorry you're Pikachu got stolen."
Ash sobbed, he wiped his tears. Luckily, Misty and Brock came.
Misty waved to Ash and saw his deep sorrow. She ran to him.
She asked "Ash, what's the matter?"
Ash sobberly answered "I...I...lost...Pikachu!"
Misty also happend to drop a tear in her cheeks.
Brock was just drooling at Jenny, who was one of his love interests.
Misty saw a sight of a man holding a Pikachu with a gun. She ran to Ash and told her sight of that man.
Jenny added "That was Pete B.R., He was carrying Ash's Pikachu!"
Brock replied "That's terrible, I'll help Ash to get his Pikachu!"
Jenny cried "no, He is very dangerous, do not go without us."
Later on, Just as Pete B.R. was driving his motor. Jenny and her troops were at their automobiles. He shot some police and almost hit Ash.
He also threw knives and hit some of the police and almost hit Misty and Brock.
He yelled "You'll never catch me!"
TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Gyarados Girl]

Chapter 2: The Chase For Pikachu

Chapter Two: The Chase For Pikachu
Ash was sobbing deeply, he could not stop he jumped out of the mobile.
Misty followed him. Pikachu was yelping for his trainer, he could not attack because the kidnapper of him was holding a gun. Ash yelled at him "Give me back Pikachu!".
Pete B.R. ignored him, instead he threw smokeballs and escaped swiftly.
Jenny rushed to the Pokemon Center and told Joy.
Joy was acurratley shocked. She hated to use her Chanseys for battle.
Until' Brock encouraged her to use other Pokemon (unless she has one)
Joy said disappointed "I'm sorry, my Pikachu are stolen by him, I'm really sorry."
Ash and Brock were cracked...
Suddenly a news flash came the news lady reported "A robber, Pete B.R. has stolen all the Pokemon in the whole world..." and she panicked "...what will we do?!!!"
Jenny hated the things happening.And when she looked back... Growlithe was gone.She was burning with anger.And an assistant of Jenny of Pewter City said Jenny of Pewter was shot.
Misty fainted, Ash caught her while falling. He was crying hysterically.
Brock was patting his back he was sushing Ash, he was also dropping a tear.
Misty was immediately brought to the Pokemon Centre, and made her rest in a couch.
Ash was still sobbing, he could not stop. Joy geve him a tissue box.
Brock was very disappointed, he yelled "I can't wait anymore! I'm gonna face that robber of he takes my life away!"
Ash replied ''Wait! I'll go with you! Pikachu needs me."
Misty was breathing hard and was sweating hard. She was burning hot and when Joy held her forehead Joy felt that Misty was almost dying.
Luckily Misty's sisters came to the rescue and brought a pack of "[highlight]Miracle Medicine[/highlight]".
They let her drink it and she recovered. Unnoticed she was partially recovered and that was "[highlight]Amnesia Medicine[/highlight]"
Ash was chasing the motor from Kanto to Hoenn, Brock was severely tired...
He fell and was very tired
TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Gyarados Girl]

DO YOU LIKE IT? Blackjack Gabbiani and all other mods?

 

[Gyarados Girl]

I'm not done yet... I can put also ressurrecting parts...

 

[Evil Raichu]

Here's what I think. You have a potentially great plot, but your writing needs some work. You don't use enough details and the events of your story unfold too fast. Also, some things are just not logical.

We need Ash, Misty, and Brock. Pronto!

Faced with an armed and dangerous criminal, why are Ash, Misty, and Brock the first three people she thinks of? Is the entire police force not capable of handling this better than three teenaged pokemon trainers? Are Ash, Misty, and Brock superheroes? Or is this set in the far future where their pokemon are extremely powerful? If the story IS set in the future, then where are May and Max? And why is Ash in Pallet Town? Is he not on a journey?

There are lots of questions you've left unanswered and details you need to fill in. You might want to be a little more descriptive in your writing, also.

I encourage you to keep writing, though. You get better through experience only and this could be a good fic.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

For the love of Pete, don't double post and don't beg for reviews! I'll get to it when I have *time*. I do have a life outside this board, you know. Frankly, you're getting on my nerves. Stop shilling.

Hmm. You gave too much detail when it isn't needed (telling us that Jenny is "one of his [Brock's] love interests"), and yet when you need to elaborate on something, you clam up. Take the line "He shot some police and almost hit Ash." The hell? You need to go into more detail when it comes to something like a shootout. Shooting police is a major thing, and yet you gloss over it like it was nothing.

 

[Barb]

It's a decent enough start, but you really need a good beta to help you work on grammar and spelling issues. And your chapters need to be somewhat longer and more descriptive.

 

[Gyarados Girl]

For all the mods who replied my answer is "okay" and for
Evil Azurill: the answers are: 1.) Because they're the only great people she knows
2.)Yes
3.) no, but they have been crime fighters since Ash started his journey.
4 & 5) This is way after Ash is in his journey, May and Max will appear soon, I hope.
6.) He's in Pallet because [highlight]he's done in his journey![/highlight]
done of questioning? anyone?
I'll get through with it, honestly.
I get the OKAY 's ready.

 

[Evil Raichu]

Alright, but instead of just listing my questions and giving me answers in a seperate post, you should put the answers in the story.

 

[Gyarados Girl]

Okay, good advice

 

[Gyarados Girl]

Chapter 3: May & Max Backup!

Chapter 3: May And Max Backup!/ The Death Of Misty
While Ash was running after the motor, May saw him. Max was with his Ralts, he was training his Confusion. May was very thoughtful, she used her Pokemon to stop the criminal. But he used his Gengar, to let her lose the battle.
He was also a Ghost Type trainer. He holding Pikachu tightly.
Ash was blinded by his tears and fell.
May helped him get up she said worriedly "Ash, are you okay?" shaking his body to wake him up. Norman also tried his Slakoth to wake him up.
Max also observed, and let his Ralts use Confusion.
Finally, Ash woke up. His eyes were red and he had a headache.
Ash asked "Did you happen to see a motor with a man carrying my Pikachu?"
May answered "Yep, is it your Pikachu?"
Ash replied "Yep, I want Pikachu back!" and he started to sob again...
May shushed Ash, he cried louder and louder. May complained "Boy! When I shush him he gets louder, I'll try..." she tried to shout at Ash and said "LOUDER, LOUDER!". She lost, he got more louder than ever!
Norman felt sorry and made his Slakoth use Scratch attack.
Max noticed Ralts also started to cry. Max was confused.
Ash recovered (at last) he was not happy but angry...
May decided to goto his home at Pallet and Max also.
Meanwhile at Pallet, Misty was almost dying by that [highlight]Medicine[/highlight].
Daisy was crying, Violet was closing her eyes and Lily was bumping her head in the wall.
Misty said her last words "Good..." and her eyes closed and she stopped breathing.
Her sister screamed, they cried hysterically.
While Ash, May and Max came into the house---- they heard the hysterical crying.
Ash wants to know whats going on so he ran to the crying voices and saw Misty----dead.
May was sad and sobbed. Max wasn't looking at the dead body but looking at the walls.
Daisy was sobbing very hysterically and said "W...w...we l...l...let M...M...Misty d...d...drink t...t...the m...m...med...medi...c...c...i...ine" and started to cry again and let them see the [highlight]medicine[/highlight].
May was accurate that the medicine was poison. She lifted the label, and it said [highlight]Poison Miracle Medicine[/highlight].
They we're very sad...
TO BE CONTINUED