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TEEN: - Complete A Secret Life Exposed

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What does it mean to be born special? It can be both a blessing and a curse. When a very special Pokemon is born on the grounds of a certain mansion, the master makes a hasty decision that may eventually prove both moot and justified. Or wrong on all accounts, time will tell.

Welcome to the roundtable. You're reading this because my attempt to get a story out in time for the reading circle failed when words didn't form correctly for most of the month. I tried to do it at the last minute but I felt too ill. Which is fine since it was mostly fun insanity (I really need to write more fun stuff). And also, the one that would've fit Trick-or-Treat is over 9000 words. But hey, I had this sitting in my backlog and it kinda fits City Secrets, so I used it as an excuse to edit, finish it off, and get it out. It's the prequel/prologue to the infamous Next Fic in Line of mine that I mostly made to get character dynamics down.

Here, you can expect minor language, allusions to crime, mentioning ERP (literally just mentioning it, the same as I'm doing here), questionable caretaking, the wrong idea about my series' overall tone if read in a vacuum, a slight lack of polish, and references to things that might make some of you feel old.

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A group of people and Pokemon stood ready to welcome a new life into the world. The sun was piercing through the fog to bathe the garden of the mansion in its warm rays. Hedges, bushes, and flowers of many kinds and colors surrounded the grounds. They were a testament to how much the master of the house loved Grass-type Pokemon.

The final bits of the egg shattered and evaporated into particles of light. In its place stood a tiny brown fox. A vague heart-shape marked the tip of its tail. It took several moments for it to open its eyes. The newborn Eevee squeaked.

The middle-aged man’s breath caught in his throat as just about everyone else let out a cheer or otherwise vocalized their acknowledgment. He leaned in. “Am I seeing things, or are its eyes purple?”

The head butler held his glasses as he leaned in. “Yes, I do believe you are correct, Monsieur Kolme. She is a partner Eevee.”

“Wow! I heard about those! They’re really really really rare! Congratulations, you two! And it’s nice to meet you!” The teenage servant with silvery-blue hair placed her hands together as she spoke to the Pokemon. She turned to the dark-haired woman. “See, Liang? It was worth coming to see this after all!”

“Guess so,” Liang had to concede with a chuckle and a nod to the parents. “I suppose this will be the talk of the town soon.”

“No, no, no,” Lucius muttered, clutching at his head. Kolme only at that moment noticed his wide eyes and disheveled stance. “No! Don’t tell anyone! This stays between all of us! Our secret!”

The others began to murmur. Even the Leafeon mother spoke up, although the Espeon father nodded slowly. Kolme shut his eyes. He also understood where this was headed.

“Maître Lucius?” the head butler spoke up. “May I ask for your reasoning?”

“The attention…” Lucius’ voice quavered. “Pierre, she doesn’t need all the attention she’d get.”

The first two words were enough to get the point across to most of the people present. The head butler gasped and solemnly nodded. “Of course. It is quite fortunate we have no visitors at the moment. You know you may rely on me to keep your every secret.” He put his hands behind his back and turned to them with a smile. His glasses shone. “I trust you can all do the same?”

Half of them agreed at once. Kolme understood the problem immediately, and the gardener quickly concurred. The other women dissented.

“You have to be joking,” Liang shook her head. “How are we going to keep this from guests?”

“We will keep her in the restricted areas while they are present,” Pierre did not miss a beat.

“What about her?! It’s not fair if she has to stay locked up!” the young woman protested.

The head butler looked to their master, who was ushering the Pokemon into the household with the gardener. He sighed heavily. “Life is sometimes unfair, Mademoiselle Ichiko.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Months later…

~~~~~~~~~~~~​

The middle-aged man popped an allergy pill into his mouth, snatched up the glass of water, and gulped it down. The plants in and around the mansion always made him sneeze his face off if he didn’t. Luckily, it was paid for as part of his employee coverage. His boss was nothing but generous. But what he would give to take it with some coffee. It was six in the damn morning.

It was another day at work, his earliest to date. When people thought of the Backlots, they often thought of the place south of Hearthome City. This was a walled off corner of paradise in the valleys of Route 210. It had few staff and even fewer visitors. Boudewijn Averesch worked as a servant, one of five in service to Lucius Trevor Backlot. His employment had added a lot of wrinkles and gray hairs to his head, and days like these made him question if it was worth it.

The man looked himself over in the mirror. He gave his hair a quick comb, straightened out his white t-shirt – there was no dress code for servants at the mansion – rubbed his eyes, and made to leave.

The moment he stepped out of the door, a young woman with blue eyes and silvery-blue hair styled into a ponytail turned to look at him. Her mouth fell into a grin as she raised an arm and wildly waved it. “Good morning, Kolme!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. That wasn’t his name, the head butler thought of it for the master. It was simply easier for the others to pronounce, write, and remember. He went stomping off before his damn conscience stopped him. This wasn’t her fault. “Morning, Ichiko,” he said while looking over his shoulder. “Got any clue why we’re being hauled out of bed now?”

“I’m sorry, I wish I did!” She bowed. Kolme sighed. She was always way too polite to everyone. Not that he hated it compared to those other two. “Mr. Gris just said to wake up and meet him in the foray!”

“It’s foyer. And he told me the same thing,” the man sighed. His hand flew to his forehead as it started squeezing. “Now I got a headache. Couldn’t he have given us a damn reason ahead of time?”

“Keep on grumbling.” A black-haired woman stepped out of her room with a harsh gray-eyed glare. Xiao Mei Liang snorted. “Maybe it’ll make it go away. Really, if you have so many problems with this place, why are you working here?”

“The money,” he answered. If he wasn’t paid so well, he would have quit a long time ago. He’d already saved up a good nest egg, and he was only 39. Nowhere else would’ve let him do that.

While their coworker rolled her eyes, Ichiko giggled at his quick and simple answer. “Morning, Liang!”

“Whatever.” She blew the younger woman off before turning to the fourth door in the hall. “Where’s Clover?”

“She’s already waiting over there.” Ichiko pointed down the hall. “Let’s get going, guys. And let’s hope Mr. Pine is cooking breakfast for us!”

“Don’t care what he’s cooking as long as he has a pot of coffee ready,” Kolme muttered, a sentiment that both of them concurred with. Knowing things, Valentino probably got pulled out of bed the same way as them. If nothing else, he knew they wouldn’t be summoned without a good reason. What was it?

“So I beat Like a Dragon 0 last night!” Ichiko boasted out of the blue. “One hundred percent with all trophies!”

Liang didn’t even spare her a glance. “That’s good,” was all he could really say to it. He knew as much about games as she did about sports. He listened to her at least, since she listened to him. At that moment, he caught sight of the bags under her eyes. “I hope you didn’t stay up too late finishing.”

She paused. “I, um, might’ve. And then gotten to sleep after two.” The silver-haired girl pressed two fingers together and laughed nervously. She wildly waved her hands. “But I’m fine as long as I have some sleep!”

Kolme shook his head. “Eight ain’t enough for me these days.” Where the hell did she get all that energy from? It couldn’t all be youth. “So what’re you playing next?”

“That’s a good question,” the nineteen-year-old mused, pressing a finger to her forehead. “I might check out Undertale soon, that’s been getting some good reviews. The way people are saying ‘you have to play it this way!’ online is turning me off from it, though.”

“You’ve been working hard,” Liang gave some faux applause. “Think carefully. I’m sure the boss appreciates those contributions to the mansion.”

“It’s fine to have hobbies,” he muttered. For him, it was keeping up with the sports teams around Sinnoh.

Ichiko put her hands behind her back. “So what do you like to do in your spare time, Liang?”

“I don’t have spare time. I’m here to be a maid,” she scoffed, rolling her head.

Some would call Liang dedicated to her work. Even the head butler made time to relax, and he was more busy than all of them put together. Kolme would call her pretentious to her face if he wasn’t sure she had other interests. Why she would not talk to them about whatever they were was a fine question. Even Clover talked about her reading, the rare times she socialized.

The youngest servant clapped her hands. “Well, I guess if it’s fun to you!”

“I guess,” she muttered under her breath. Kolme wasn’t sure if Ichiko heard, but he certainly did.

---​

The foyer of the mansion was a wide open area. Just as the place was surrounded by a garden, the green carpets and potted plants told visitors to expect much the same on the inside. There were six entrances: two each on the east and west walls, a set of ornate double doors on the north, and the path to the entry hall on the south. A small elevated section was at the back; it was simply two steps raised from the rest of the room.

All the human inhabitants of the manor were present, save for two. Clover turned to the trio and quietly adjusted her glasses. She was a short rose-haired woman who spent most of her time tending to the gardens alone, or reading in them. Valentino was sipping from a coffee mug off to the side while rubbing his bald scalp. Easily the tallest and most muscular one present, he served as a one-man kitchen crew. Finally, two of their three security guards were present: the nightwatchwoman Aoi, and Sonny, who had the evening shift.

Pierre Gris was standing at the back of the room. As usual, he was in a navy blue uniform with a red undershirt. For whatever purpose, there was a large monitor behind him. He placed an arm on his stomach and bowed. “Ah, thank you for coming.” He adjusted his glasses. “I apologize for the rather rude awakenings. Maître Lucius has some important news to share with everyone on our staff.”

The entire staff. One was conspicuous by her absence. Kolme thought about speaking up about it. His mind was in a haze, and someone else did anyway.

“Where’s Mrs. Sieve?” Ichiko inquired. She kept turning her head to the different doorways, as if expecting her to walk through one of them at any moment.

Pierre motioned to his left. “She is watching from the security room as per the norm for this hour, Mademoiselle Ichiko. I can assure you that she is present, in a manner of speaking.”

Kolme crossed his arms and tapped a foot on the floor. What the hell could be so serious that they woke everyone up – or kept them up in Aoi’s case – to talk to them? He was sure it was something; Mr. Backlot was eccentric, but he never did things without reason, even if it only made sense to him. That just gave him greater cause for concern.

Mercifully, the answers were on the way. Pierre opened the doors behind him, and a slim man stepped out. Lucius liked to dress casually: he had on a robe patterned with autumn leaves. He must have been up all night or gotten woken up the same way as them: there were bags under his eyes and his dyed black hair was disheveled.

“Thank you all for coming,” Lucius said listlessly. “I know it’s early, so I’ll cut to the chase. I believe that Aileen might be in danger.”

Aileen? It took Kolme a few moments to process that. That was the newest resident of the mansion, hatched from an egg three months ago. The child of Pierre and Lucius’ Pokemon, and born very special. Kolme admittedly was worried about it himself. Even if it somehow was never made a target for thieves, the media would be all over it if they knew.

“I-in danger how?” Clover stuttered, clutching at herself. Her voice was distinct. Everyone in the room listened to her the rare times she spoke. They all nodded. That could mean many things.

Pierre raised a remote control and switched on the monitor. “At 1:15am on October 29th, our security footage captured the following image.”

They had cameras watching the skies. Normally, all they recorded were clouds, heavenly bodies, and the odd bird or plane. At a cursory glance, this was simply the night sky, yet a distinct object obscured the stars. The sight of it made Kolme’s blood freeze. He recognized its shape, and when he looked closer, he spotted vague red lights. He was sure what it was.

“Huh? What’s that? What’s so special about it?” Ichiko impulsively blurted out.

Pierre and Lucius exchanged glances. The other servants seemed at a loss from their blank looks. Aoi was similarly scratching her head, but Sonny was staring with shock. He knew. And Kolme knew.

“That’s an airship, codenamed the Grauhäher-2 by Interpol,” he explained. If it had a real name, no one but the crew and its owner knew it. It was aptly named for the person who flew in it, and being the second after she abandoned the first to make an escape. “It belongs to a Pokemon Hunter who’s one of the most notorious international criminals in the world. Known only as J.”

That name got them to react. Ichiko winced and turned away. Liang mouthed profane astonishment, Clover’s eyes widened, and Valentino gasped. The guards exchanged uncertain glances. This was out of their pay grade if it was true.

“Correct, Monsieur Kolme,” Pierre said with a grim nod. “Maître Lucius believes our newborn may become her target in the near future.”

It would not surprise him in the slightest. A rare mutation of a popular Pokemon would be a prime target for theft, moreso that it was a female. This was one case where Kolme did not blame his boss in the slightest for being secretive about it. He went so far as to only let it outside in the gardens at night, and never without other Pokemon to protect it. Even if it avoided that fate, it would be subject to media attention and trade offers from collectors. It all had to be harsh on the little Pokemon. It hurt to do this to her.

“Pardon me, Mr. Backlot,” Liang spoke up. “What if she was just passing by? I know she travels all over the world to do her ‘work’. Let’s not jump to conclusions.” She muttered something under her breath. He was unsure if it was prayer or snark. Maybe it was both.

“I thought that,” their boss replied, clutching at himself. “I was hoping that. But I had Pierre check to be sure. And we found this.”

Pierre pressed a button on the remote, bringing up a photo of a Seenit post. Kolme didn’t have his glasses, so he had to walk closer and squint to read it. The contents were damning. Somehow, it had gotten out there. Someone had talked.

He didn’t mean to, but his first thought was Ichiko. The moment he turned to her on instinct, she stomped a foot. “It wasn’t me!” she shouted.

“I have already determined who is responsible for this leak,” Pierre stated, his voice cutting through the room and silencing them all. He folded his hands behind his back and turned solemnly to Lucius.

Their boss lowered his head. Kolme’s muscles tightened. He had ranted bitterly in vague terms to a clerk on a visit to Cragmist Town when buying Pokemon food. He didn’t say what it was or even that it was a rare new Pokemon. Had they somehow put it together?

Lucius turned to each of them. Ichiko looked on the verge of tears: she had her hands balled into fists, she was squinting – no. She was crying. Kolme winced, having not meant to upset her. However, Lucius passed over her to look at Liang. She crossed her arms, curled her lip, and mouthed, “Really?” When his gaze fell upon him, Kolme soldiered up. His boss frowned at him with half-closed eyes, same as with everyone else. Kolme forced himself to look at him…

…then he couldn’t help but let it all out when he turned away to Clover. It looked like it wasn’t his fault after all. Questions were probably coming anyway. He was prepared to answer them truthfully.

It did not take much longer for Lucius to settle upon someone. When he turned to Aoi, his frown became noticeably deeper. His subsequent sigh hit a high register. “I am very disappointed in you, Ms. Durward.”

Kolme involuntarily quavered as a chill ran through his spine. It always managed to be uncannily eerie whenever Lucius called someone by their last name.

“Me?!” The teal-haired woman seethed, clenching her fists. “I swear, Mr. Backlot, I didn’t go spreading it, just like you asked.”

“I brought you in believing that I could trust you. I’m sad to see it was misplaced,” he said with a very slow shake of his head.

Kolme turned to try to exchange a glance with someone. Ichiko was off in her own world from the looks of it. Clover was dead silent and looking down at her feet. Sonny was glaring accusingly at his fellow guard. Liang turned when she noticed he had. She furrowed her brow and pinched her lips. It was all he needed to act.

“Excuse me,” he spoke up.

“Take it you got an explanation?” Liang chimed in ahead of him, tapping a foot. Asking what he, and likely the others, were wondering. “What’s this post got to do with her?”

They talked with Aoi less than they did with Clover. But from the few interactions he had with the nightwatchwoman, Kolme was sure she wasn’t the gossipy type. Had he misjudged her, or was there more to this accusation?

“That’s not me,” Aoi denied.

“No, because your online handle is Princess Liberty. However, you speak to your boyfriend over internet relay chat, do you not?” Pierre asked her with a smirk.

Kolme blinked. Internet relay chat? IRC? That was still around?

“Yes, we ERP. I mentioned it to him, but he wouldn’t go talking.” She again looked at the name, trying to make sense of it. She sounded out the first part of it. “Key… Kaiser… What? I don’t know who that person is.”

“Yes, but I do.” Pierre smirked. “I doxxed the man. 25 years, unemployed, self-important, lives with his parents.” He cleared his throat. “Pardon me. The critical matter is that the sole individual on his friend list on one particular forum he is a member of lives in Saffron City and works the night shift, same as your lover.”

“That doesn’t prove anything by itself,” Kolme again spoke up in Aoi’s defense. “It sounds circumstantial.”

“It sounds conclusive enough to me,” Sonny quickly said. “He told someone, they told someone. If something happens, it’s going to be your fault.”

“I agree with Sonny.” Lucius frowned and lowered his head. “I’m so sorry for this, Aoi. But you have broken my trust. I can’t afford to let that slide. You’re hereby relieved of your duties.”

Aoi sputtered. When it looked like Liang was about to step forward and start mouthing off, Kolme’s arm flew out and grabbed her by the shoulder. He shook his head. “Be rational,” he mouthed. Thankfully, she listened for once.

“Thank you all for coming on short notice,” Lucius said to them. “I’ll be in my office should anyone absolutely need me. I need to consider our options. For now, I just ask that you stay vigilant.”

The head butler opened the door, and Lucius stepped through. After it closed behind him and his footsteps faded, Pierre bowed formally to the now former guard. “I deeply apologize for this, Aoi. It was a personal request from Maître Lucius that I dig into this,” he lamented. “I will assist in your packing and set you up in a hotel for the week. If you need any help in finding employment or a place to live, do not hesitate to ask.”

The security guard held herself tightly. “Fine,” she rasped. She was trembling, and her eyes were watering. She walked off in a huff, heading in the direction of her quarters on the opposite wing of theirs. Kolme was unsure what to say, nor was anyone else. The most that anyone managed was Ichiko, a few syllables.

“As for the rest of you. Maître Lucius has told me you are free to return to bed if you wish,” Pierre turned to say before he made to follow her. “He apologizes deeply for waking you so early.”

“That’s good! Thank you!” Ichiko squeaked, bowing to them. “I think I’ll take you up on that.”

Liang snorted and shook her head at the youngest servant. “Weren’t you the one who just said you’re fine as long as you have a little sleep?”

“Yeah, well. I changed my mind!” She shuffled her feet and giggled nervously. “How ‘bout you guys?”

Liang responded by walking away to the south, out of the mansion. If she did something rash, it was all on her. Kolme, for his part, figured that he may as well stay up now that he was awake. “I’ll take some coffee, thanks.”

“Consider it ready in ten minutes,” Valentino said, heading over to the kitchen at that.

“Okay! Good luck, Kolme!” Ichiko clapped her hands and turned to the remaining person. “What about you, Clover?”

“I’ll stay up.” She started off in the direction of the dining hall. With a smile, Kolme waved good night (in a sense) to Ichiko before following his coworker.

##########​

Valentino had brewed them up an extra strong blend that he only broke out for occasions like these. It was one of the most bitter things Kolme had ever tasted in his entire life. It made Rabuta Berries seem mild. In other words, it was damn good coffee.

They sat there in relative silence for the first few minutes. The only sounds in the large but empty dining room were them eating and drinking, and the low humming of the heater. Clover rarely talked of her own accord. She’d speak when spoken to, but tended to be terse when she didn’t really want to socialize.

“So what do you make of this?” he asked her between sips.

“I don’t know,” she answered immediately and without so much as looking.

That was the extent of their conversation. It was likely that she didn’t want to dwell on it, so he left it at that.

Liang entered with a scowl around ten minutes later. She was holding a plate with eggs and rice on them in one hand, and a mug of tea in another. She took the seat across from them.

“This is Tauros crap,” she muttered. “I talked to Aoi before she left. Apparently, her boyfriend didn’t leak anything. He lost his phone, and thinks the person who found it must have had a peek before she returned it. If that’s even how it got out.”

“I take it that didn’t change Lucius’ mind?” he inquired. Somewhat rhetorically. He already had a feeling what the answer was.

“Of course not.” If there was at least one bit of common ground he could find with Liang, it was occasionally feeling disgruntled about their job. “Damn. Firing a good staff member over an accident and overreacting because of some criminal.”

Kolme placed his coffee mug down and crossed his arms. “I’m not saying I agree with the decision to dismiss Aoi. But if that Pokemon Hunter might be involved, we have to take this seriously.”

“Yes, that is very reasonable. I’m sure she has the time to look over every little unsubstantiated rumor on the internet, and is coming to steal the boss’ rare Pokemon because of it.” Liang grumbled.

“Not her,” he stated. “She’s a mercenary, so it’d be a client who saw it and believed it enough to hire her. I figure he already put in a down payment.”

The Chinese woman leered at him from across the table. “You don’t seriously believe this garbage, do you?”

“Not particularly.” His response elicited a wry smirk from Liang. He took a sip from his mug before continuing. “But as they say in my language, a warned man counts as two. In other words, it doesn’t hurt to take precautions.”

“I suppose not,” Liang conceded, shaking her head. “But against her? And with Backlot having cried wolf so many times they blocked emergency service calls?”

“The International Police have been after her for decades,” Kolme replied. “If there’s a chance to catch her, I think they’ll take it.” Another sip, emptying his cup. “Just my thoughts, anyway.”

“I doubt we’ll see trouble like that. And hopefully that post spreads,” Liang said a little lower while leaning over the table. “Things will be bad for a bit, but it’ll be business as usual once this passes.”

“I know.” It was starting to become a hassle. How long would it be until a guest found out about Aileen? It wasn’t like they could force them to keep quiet. Having had time to think about it just now, maybe it was best to get it done and over with.

“So knowing the boss, we’ll have some company again soon,” Liang remarked.

Kolme crossed his arms. He wasn’t sure how Lucius had enough sway over the Officials to have them send an agent over whenever he wanted, but the fact remained that he did. Maybe it had something to do with his work as a legal advisor. They were different company from the traveling trainers who sometimes came by, if nothing else.

“I hope they don’t bother me,” Clover suddenly spoke up.

The rose-haired woman primarily worked in the gardens. She read among the flowers when taking a break or otherwise not on duty. The last time they had an official called in as extra security? It ended with Lucius removing him from the grounds for making Clover feel uncomfortable (to put it lightly), and complaining about the agent to his superiors. For all his faults and quirks, Lucius looked after his employees.

“Maybe he’ll make whoever they’re sending work the night shift,” Liang snorted with a cruel chuckle.

“Probably,” Kolme replied without a shred of irony. They had his sympathies. “But I wouldn’t worry too much about that happening again, Clover.”

It was enough of a reassurance for her. With that, their conversation came to a halt. The three of them finished off breakfast without a further word to each other. He went and got a second cup, and on thinking further, a few strips of bacon. Clover was the first to finish, and sat quietly afterward. Uncharacteristically waiting for them. She must have been more bothered by what happened than she let on.

“We should get to work soon,” Liang declared immediately after finishing her food. “Time’s wasting. And Ichiko decided to sleep in, so we’ll have our work cut out for us.”

Clover concurred, immediately hobbling to her feet. Kolme leaned back in his chair. “I’m going to have another coffee before that.”

“Fine, have fun,” Liang waved and smirked. “And don’t drown in your cup.”

“Screw off.” He wasn’t in the mood for her snark this morning. He waited until the women left before continuing to sip coffee alone.

He sat there for over ten minutes with just his thoughts to keep him company. Life was never dull at Lucius Backlot’s manor. The perks were nice. But if it was not for the money, he would have quit a long time ago. His dream situation would be for an even bigger offer to come along. If one did, he would take it in a heartbeat.

But there was no sense in hoping for a hypothetical. Until when and if that happened, he had a job to do. Kolme downed the last drops of his coffee and went to do just that.
 
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Okay. Here is my Review:

The story, “A Secret Life Exposed”, was a long one, but a good one. It had me hanging on the edge of my seat from the beginning. Firstly, the Partner Eevee from a Leafeon. That was interesting. How would that have worked with the breeding? Perhaps I am thinking too much into it…anyway, I was very interested, and knew this would not be an average story.

When the Backlot Mansion was included, I was absolutely fascinated. The dynamics between the staff and their vivid descriptions made for a nice backdrop. At first, I was worried they would be the central element, but then J came into the story. She is still an intimidating figure, years after her introduction, and the fact that she would be targeting the Backlot Mansion for poaching made me nervous for the folk there. I wondered how they would fight back if they needed to, considering that J is a bit overpowered, even by the standards of poachers.

This led to a sense of tension over the mansion and the story, a ribbon, as it were. Still, I liked the story, and it would be nice to see what happened next, if anything. Well done.
 
Here's my review for "A Secret Life Exposed":

First off, I'm glad you put the disclaimer at the beginning that this is more of a prequel/prologue to a larger work rather than a standalone one-shot; knowing that going in helped in trying to figure out what I was reading. I still felt like I was missing something as this bit doesn't feel like it completely fits that summary you posted and the beginning part about the birth of the Eevee seems a bit superfluous in the context of the rest of the fic where it is only brought up as more of an inciting incident rather than being the focus of the narrative, as I initially assumed. Still, not knowing what your larger fic is about I can't really speculate on how well this works within the context of that piece so I just mention that slight disjointedness from my perspective viewing this on its own merit.

You do a good job with the descriptions and really bring the reader into this little group. Each character is distinct with their own personalities and it's nice to see how well they mesh (or don't) as coworkers. Honestly, even though I don't know much about her, Clover really seems like my kind of person. I love how this is such an eclectic group that are written with all sorts of attitudes and personalities and voices in mind.

Kolme feels very realistic; he seems very much like people I know and work with every day (myself included). There were a few lines about him I liked, including this one:
The perks were nice. But if it was not for the money, he would have quit a long time ago. His dream situation would be for an even bigger offer to come along. If one did, he would take it in a heartbeat.
This makes him very relatable and though I can't really get a sense of who he is as a person, I'm not sure I completly like him, even if I do understand him. But that's okay; I don't have to like every character, even main ones (he seems to be more of a protaganist here than anyone else) to enjoy the story. It just makes him more believable.

Overall, while I wasn't totally into this fic due to not knowing how it may connect to a larger piece, on it's own, it does a fairly decent job. There's a bit of mystery and suspense (Hunter J!) and intrigue and it definitely has potential. It would be interesting to see how it connects into a greater piece and where this story goes from here.
 
The first scene with the reveal of the special Eevee gives a nice sense of suspense for the rest of the story to come, making it a pretty good hook. The reader knows something is inevitably going to happen with this Eevee since it's built up, and this made me curious to read further.

I was, however, a little confused about who the characters were and the context of this birth. For instance, I initially assumed the occasion was a party celebrating an egg hatching, that Liang was one guest of many, especially when she mentions keeping talk of the Eevee from "the other guests." I had to re-read this section after reading the next scene before I fully understood who was speaking and acting.

I liked the characterization in the second scene where the grumpy middle-aged Kolme wakes up to a lively dialogue with the other servants. Following him along with his allergies and his curtness in the morning is pretty amusing, and the reader gets a good intro to each person's personalities as they converse. I think having some of this wonderful characterization in the first scene would be tremendously helpful.

The tension as Lucius looks between each of the employees and seeing them react was quite striking and a great addition to the scene. It calls to mind a mystery novel where the detective is about to name the culprit for the final reveal.

I just wish that there was more information about what Aoi and the other employees had been doing between the birth of the Eevee and the time she gets fired. The story wants to be a mystery story, but there's not enough information to make informed guesses about who the culprit is or how it occurred before the final reveal.

The reveal itself is interesting, and it's a testament to the importance of good operational security. The security guard who unintentionally allows sensitive information to fall into the hands of bad actors after telling it to a loved one is a very realistic scenario, even in the fantastical Pokémon world.

The mention of IRC amused me greatly, as a regular chatter on a couple IRC servers myself.

  • In "It took several moments for its to open its eyes": "its" should be "it".
  • In "When he turned to Aio, his frown became noticeably deeper": "Aio" should be "Aoi".
 
This has a lot of good character writing. Everyone has a distinct voice to them.

I registered this as more tragedy than mystery, in a "could happen to anyone" sense, so I didn't expect more backstory for characters or an ability to determine the "culprit". I think how three characters (the security guards) are introduced in the same scene as the mystery is indicative of this.

The opening had me questioning if we were indoors our outdoors. Outdoors is assumable given we were talking weather and the grounds, and the end of the section confirms as much, but I would have liked to be more certain.

“It did not take much longer for Lucius to settle upon someone. When he turned to Aio, his frown became noticeably deeper. His subsequent sigh hit a high register. “I am very disappointed in you, Ms. Durward.”

Kolme involuntarily quavered as a chill ran through his spine. It always managed to be uncannily eerie whenever Lucius called someone by their last name.”
Good old “last name basis”. Never fails to heighten stakes.

The most that anyone managed was Ichiko, a few syllables.
I think there are supposed to be some clarifying words after the comma in this sentence.
 
heya, here for Roundtable! I'm actually quite tickled at the idea of just releasing a new chapter of a new thing, as I'd kind of toyed with doing similar--new year new me amirite--but I do agree that this fits "City Secrets" pretty well. I too was admittedly in the crowd of people thinking it was kind of going to be a mystery, and being a little surprised that the culprit was a to-then unknown character--I feel like you've kind of heard that a lot already, and I'm also trying to come at this from the perspective of it being a first chapter rather than a standalone (with zero knowledge of what comes next lmao), so hopefully this makes sense.

I think the scene 1/2 characters come across really cleanly and it's easy enough to get their quirks down. Kolme is older than his peers, grateful for his job ("the money" real), and tries to be kind; Ichiko is younger than her peers, very excitable, and fairly online; Liang is terse and stubborn. I particularly liked the detail that he goes by Kolme and almost gets mad at Ichiko for calling him that--it shows a lot about his characters fairly efficiently. Pierre, while shown less, seems to be quick to think and very much dedicated to backing up Lucius at all costs. I also think it's easy to pick up on some of the unshown characters--we can see pretty clearly across scene 2, for example, that Lucius is a pretty strict but kind boss, as his personality kind of comes across through the work environment and employees he has--he expects promptness and adherence to his strict demands, but there's no dress code and allergy medication is paid for.

I think scene 3 could maybe work a little more cleanly with a few fewer reveals--we see Lucius in person properly, we see the inciting incident of the plot (Hunter J is coming), we discover that someone among us is a traitor. We also meet Sonny, Aoi, Pierre (in detail), Clover, Valentino (who is also Mr. Pine), and the idea of Mrs. Sieve. I think part of this is also compounded because these guys have slightly different unique roles--bodyguard, servant, butler, security cams--that don't entirely come up in this scene in a plot-relevant way (so they're hard to keep track of), but still get dropped and feel kind of important to keep track of. Clover and Valentino get some space in scene 4 to talk, but as far as I could tell, they're both defined by the trait "I don't like to talk very much", so it's mostly Liang/Kolme--either way, I'm left wondering if maybe some of these people could come into the story later, where there'd be more room to breathe. I think this is the kind of reveal that works well in a visual medium like anime, where Clover's pink hair and appearance in the intro clearly signifies she's important; here, I'm kind of scrambling to remember if she was a well-named gardener or a servant or what.

Also not really doing line-by-lines for these reviews, but a few quick things stood out to me:
Just as the place was surrounded by a garden, the green carpets and potted plants told visitors to expect much the same on the inside. There were six entrances: two each on the east and west walls, a set of ornate double doors on the north, and the path to the entry hall on the south. A small elevated section was at the back; it was simply two steps raised from the rest of the room.
Kolme thought about speaking up about it. His mind was in a haze
I think the proscriptive descriptions here feel kind of inefficient in this kind of scene--I'd really only expect to want to know how many exits are on the east wall if quickly after, a battle scene necessitates taking the two separate east and west exits or something--and also kind of odd given that Kolme is supposed to be very sleepy and confused.

Clover stuttered, clutching at herself.
their boss replied, clutching at himself.
Thought this was kind of odd twice in such proximity.
“Yes, we ERP. I mentioned it to him, but he wouldn’t go talking.”
I realize part of this is because I have no context for Aoi's character or really ERP, but I feel like this is the kind of thing most people wouldn't give up to a room full of their coworkers and boss without being waterboarded. Maybe Sinnoh is super sex positive? Either way it kind of feels like a trait on her character sheet (wears blue jeans, favorite food: pizza, hobby: ERP) that we're listing out, rather than a direct response that a character gives to a situation. I think maybe if she was more panicked, both from the accusation and maybe the idea of Pierre reading her DMs, I'd believe it as a proper line of dialogue.

All in all, I think this was a fun little setup. I like the idea of Hunter J (seemingly post-drowning) being this big fucking menace; everyone knows the blimp but they can't really do anything about it. The Backlot Mansion also coming into her sights for having a rare pokemon also feels like a really natural crossover, and I like the added realism of "oh yeah it turns out that 17 people cannot keep a secret", and Kolme overall is a nice viewpoint narrator for the unfolding. Thanks for sharing!
 
Thanks for all the comments. To address a few common points before going into some individual ones:

- Just what is this? How's it connect to a greater piece?
So if you frequent the "What did you write today?" thread, you might have seen me mention a fic codenamed "Next Fic in Line" sometimes. The basic concept is that one of my series protagonists, Nori Carino, is sent to a mansion to act as extra security. Why? He's technically an Official, they want him to get field experience just in case, and as implied they're sick of Lucius' crying for help all the time.

But I was having trouble with the fic. It's a bottle episode with a bunch of new characters. So I wrote this to try to get the cast down, which helped a bit. I'm unsure if it will be part of the fic proper. I was sitting on it for a while, but since I ran out of time with my original plan, I dropped this here for the roundtable.

That said, it was completely intended to be able to stand on its own. I probably could've done more with it, but it serves its intended purpose.

- The mystery of the mystery-feel:
This is probably a subconscious style thing on my part. Next Fic in Line does have former mystery elements in it. I likely had that in mind as I was writing this and completely unintentionally set it up like one. I also didn't consider the implications of "City Secrets" possibly setting up expectations.

#####

Firstly, the Partner Eevee from a Leafeon. That was interesting. How would that have worked with the breeding?
Well to be fair, it's not exactly clear what the Partner Eevee is or how it came to be in canon. I offer a few suggestions: it's a rare mutuation even among Eevees, and that it might happen if different Eeveelutions breed (which given it has a lot more type more there's some logic there), but there's nothing conclusive.

When the Backlot Mansion was included, I was absolutely fascinated.
A Backlot Mansion anyway.

The dynamics between the staff and their vivid descriptions made for a nice backdrop.
Yeah, getting the dynamic down between the staff for the formal fic was an important thing I wanted to do before I start writing it, so good to know I'm on the right track. They live together in this isolated building, so I tried to go for a dysfunctional family dynamic between them.

At first, I was worried they would be the central element, but then J came into the story. She is still an intimidating figure, years after her introduction, and the fact that she would be targeting the Backlot Mansion for poaching made me nervous for the folk there. I wondered how they would fight back if they needed to, considering that J is a bit overpowered, even by the standards of poachers.
Well, it's suggested at the end they're going to bring a bit of extra help in from the Officials. Which as I mentioned, is one of my metaseries' protagonists. Yeah, they don't think there's much to it.

Still, I liked the story, and it would be nice to see what happened next, if anything. Well done.
Then look forward to Nori Carino: The Hunter's Prey in the future sometime! Which I've been blocked on forever but finally have some decent ideas on how to move forward on it. Hopefully I actually can.

#####

I still felt like I was missing something as this bit doesn't feel like it completely fits that summary you posted and the beginning part about the birth of the Eevee seems a bit superfluous in the context of the rest of the fic where it is only brought up as more of an inciting incident rather than being the focus of the narrative, as I initially assumed.
So the thing about this first scene is: it wasn't originally planned! I started with Kolme waking up. I added it here at the 11th hour once I figured I should probably show what's being targetted. That's certainly why it feels disjointed: I didn't have time to gel it better. I almost had a second (first) part of it where I show Ichiko excitedly announcing the egg's hatching to Kolme and Liang, but cut that because it was definitely superfluous. Still an artifact there though: see, the bit about having to convince Liang to see it.

Honestly, even though I don't know much about her, Clover really seems like my kind of person.
Interesting, hehe. I'll keep that in mind. I imagine more would think that way now that I think about it.

Kolme feels very realistic; he seems very much like people I know and work with every day (myself included). There were a few lines about him I liked, including this one: ... This makes him very relatable and though I can't really get a sense of who he is as a person, I'm not sure I completly like him, even if I do understand him. But that's okay; I don't have to like every character, even main ones (he seems to be more of a protaganist here than anyone else) to enjoy the story. It just makes him more believable.
Kolme was very fun to write, and made the most sense as a viewpoint character. Good to know I hit just right with what I was going for with him, at least with one person.

#####

The first scene with the reveal of the special Eevee gives a nice sense of suspense for the rest of the story to come, making it a pretty good hook. The reader knows something is inevitably going to happen with this Eevee since it's built up, and this made me curious to read further.
Good to know it at least served its intended purpose even if it could use a bit of work. x,x

I was, however, a little confused about who the characters were and the context of this birth. For instance, I initially assumed the occasion was a party celebrating an egg hatching, that Liang was one guest of many, especially when she mentions keeping talk of the Eevee from "the other guests." I had to re-read this section after reading the next scene before I fully understood who was speaking and acting.
Noted. Should be easy to make it clear what's going on.

I liked the characterization in the second scene where the grumpy middle-aged Kolme wakes up to a lively dialogue with the other servants. Following him along with his allergies and his curtness in the morning is pretty amusing, and the reader gets a good intro to each person's personalities as they converse. I think having some of this wonderful characterization in the first scene would be tremendously helpful.
Yeah, like mentioned above, first scene was added after the fact, which led to some problems because I didn't adjust the second scene to compensate. If I didn't run out of time, I'd have adjusted it so the first scene has more of a proper intro to them. Probably with the initial idea I had.

I just wish that there was more information about what Aoi and the other employees had been doing between the birth of the Eevee and the time she gets fired.
Probably just their usual jobs, and entertaining the odd guest.

The security guard who unintentionally allows sensitive information to fall into the hands of bad actors after telling it to a loved one is a very realistic scenario, even in the fantastical Pokémon world.
You never know who's going to tell someone something, even unintentionally.

The mention of IRC amused me greatly, as a regular chatter on a couple IRC servers myself.
Sameish, though I mostly just lurk there since most channels I'm in are inactive. In fact, Princess Liberty was inspired by, well. Complicated story.

#####

I registered this as more tragedy than mystery, in a "could happen to anyone" sense, so I didn't expect more backstory for characters or an ability to determine the "culprit". I think how three characters (the security guards) are introduced in the same scene as the mystery is indicative of this.
Yeah, you about got what I was going for. :>

The opening had me questioning if we were indoors our outdoors. Outdoors is assumable given we were talking weather and the grounds, and the end of the section confirms as much, but I would have liked to be more certain.
Noted.

Good old “last name basis”. Never fails to heighten stakes.
Funnily, I flipped it around in another work: going from last name to first name and heightening stakes the same way. It all depends on what the character normally does.

I think there are supposed to be some clarifying words after the comma in this sentence.
Nah, just unclear writing on my part. What I basically mean here is that Ichiko is the only one to make any vocalization, but it's just word fragments.

#####

I'm actually quite tickled at the idea of just releasing a new chapter of a new thing, as I'd kind of toyed with doing similar--new year new me amirite--but I do agree that this fits "City Secrets" pretty well.
Well, it was intended to be standalone, so...

I think the scene 1/2 characters come across really cleanly and it's easy enough to get their quirks down.
Good to know this since those five are the main core.

I particularly liked the detail that he goes by Kolme and almost gets mad at Ichiko for calling him that--it shows a lot about his characters fairly efficiently.
Hmm, that wasn't planned, but it is now. Yes, that's correct: he is slightly annoyed that they couldn't take the time to learn and pronounce his real name. He's accepted it for the most part, but sometimes forgets in times of stress.

(Though he's actually just annoyed at her energy)

I think scene 3 could maybe work a little more cleanly with a few fewer reveals--we see Lucius in person properly, we see the inciting incident of the plot (Hunter J is coming), we discover that someone among us is a traitor. We also meet Sonny, Aoi, Pierre (in detail), Clover, Valentino (who is also Mr. Pine), and the idea of Mrs. Sieve. I think part of this is also compounded because these guys have slightly different unique roles--bodyguard, servant, butler, security cams--that don't entirely come up in this scene in a plot-relevant way (so they're hard to keep track of), but still get dropped and feel kind of important to keep track of.
When you have to cover a mini ensemble in a short amount of time, you unfortunately only have two options: focus on some at the expense of others or have everyone be mediocre. The guards I admittedly didn't give much thought to. For the other two, Valentino doesn't have much to do here, and I maximize what Clover does: I gave her a few moments and tried to show that despite keeping to herself, she's one of them. Sometimes it's the little things that matter most.

I think this is the kind of reveal that works well in a visual medium like anime, where Clover's pink hair and appearance in the intro clearly signifies she's important; here, I'm kind of scrambling to remember if she was a well-named gardener or a servant or what.
Yeah, fair. Guess I'll solve this by naming her earlier and mark it down as another product of the last minute rushjob. x-x

I think the proscriptive descriptions here feel kind of inefficient in this kind of scene--I'd really only expect to want to know how many exits are on the east wall if quickly after, a battle scene necessitates taking the two separate east and west exits or something--and also kind of odd given that Kolme is supposed to be very sleepy and confused.
Just some scene-setting, the different halls was to show the size of the manor. As for the oddity, he's been working there for ages. Of course he knows what it's like without having to look. Maybe I could make that more clear?

Thought this was kind of odd twice in such proximity.
Part of the lack of polish I warned about. :p Normally I'd have fixed that but. Better late than never I guess.

I realize part of this is because I have no context for Aoi's character or really ERP, but I feel like this is the kind of thing most people wouldn't give up to a room full of their coworkers and boss without being waterboarded.
So this was originally slightly more verbose, where she sort of impatiently and exasperately mentions the nature of it. It had a bit of what you mentioned going on, and yes she's slightly shameless (and it had sort of a "yeah you wanna know? here you go, TMI" vibe to it). But I toned it down just in case, so what's left is just a simple statement. And, yeah, kinda see what you mean. x,x Doesn't quite work as it is.

All in all, I think this was a fun little setup. I like the idea of Hunter J (seemingly post-drowning) being this big fucking menace; everyone knows the blimp but they can't really do anything about it.
No, it's very much before that. If you got the impression from her abandoning an airship to escape, well. That's another incident. Actually has partial overall plot relevance!
 
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