A trainer in Sinnoh on a wierd journey everywhere.

[Dialga 625]

I read on of these and decided to make one but I need to wait a bit to get some ideas, so if you have any ideas just post them. I'll start soon.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Well, what do you want to have happen? What would set it apart from other journey fics?

 

[Dialga 625]

I've decided how I want it, so I'm starting in my next post.

 

[Dialga 625]

Jamie( sorry if it's a bad name) woke up. He was going to get his starter today. He wanted a Piplup. He hoped he'd get there in time, because he's usually late. Then he noticed it was 4.00am. He decided to set off now so he wouldn't be late. He borrowed his brother's Luxio and set off. He got lost( as usual). It was 8.30 when he arrived. He had 30 minuits to get to the lab. He arrived at 9.00, just on time. He choose Piplup, as planned, and headed back home.

I'm glad I've done that.
By the way, Jamie wants to be a pokemon master. Everywhere.

Sorry if it was short. There WILL be more.

 

[~Locust~]

When you say it was short, it really was short. Make it quite a few more paragraphs longer. No, more than quite a few.

 

[Every Breaking Wave]

I'll be blunt. That was absolutely terrible. One paragraph does not make a chapter. It doesn't even make an introduction. There was no imagination in this, no description. It was just bland. There was no detail in this at all. And it's quite sad because the 12 sentences you wrote could have easily been expanded into three or four pages.

Where does Jamie live? What does he look like? Why does he want Piplup? Who is his brother? Why did he borrow Luxio? How did he get lost? How did he find his way again? Did he get lost when he went home? Did he run into any Pokemon? Was he tempted by the other starters? Did he give Luxio back? Did he meet anyone?

It was 8.30 when he arrived. He had 30 minuits to get to the lab. He arrived at 9.00, just on time.

Some confusion here. He arrived at 8:30 and at 9:00? How is that possible? Did he leave for 30 minutes just for the heck of it?

This story is seriously lacking in just about every element that constitutes a story. You have a lot of work to do on this. A LOT of work.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Seriously, that wasn't a story. While it *is* possible to tell a story in that short space, it's difficult.

And it reads like a recap rather than a story. You're telling us all this happened, but you're not showing it to us, or describing it in any detail.

And besides, I thought you wanted *help* on getting ideas.

 

[Dialga 625]

I've COMPLETELY rewriten the story. I'm just making a few adjustments to it before I post it.
The chapters will still be quite short, but a lot longer than last time. It will come chapter by chapter, and in a few days.

 

[Dialga 625]

I know I said I'd post in a few days (over a year ago) but I totally forgot about this. Now it is ready.


Chapter 1: In the beginning.

Jamie woke up, and looked at his alarm clock. It was 4 O'clock in the morning on the 3rd of June. His 10th birthday. He looked around his room, at his pokemon posters on the walls, at his collection of pokemon figures on his desk. He got out of bed, and walked across the room. In the middle of the desk, was a poke ball, containing his brother Robert's Luxio. He picked it up, looked at it, and put it down. He thought about the day he had ahead of him, and smiled. Today was the day he got his first pokemon.

2 hours later he left his house in Twinleaf town, and headed towards Sandgem town. At his

belt he had his brother's Luxio, which his brother had lent to him to get to Sandgem town. In his

bag, he had a couple of potions for Luxio, a bit of pokemon food, and a ham sandwich in case he

got hungry. When he got outside Twinleaf town, he checked the time on his Poketch. 6:30 am it

said. He let Luxio out of its poke ball, and walked into the forest of route 201.

At about half past 9 Jamie and Luxio stopped to eat in a clearing to eat. He got out the

pokemon food for Luxio, and the ham sandwich for himself. He was thinking how well it was going,

not finding any wild pokemon, when he heard a rumble from the trees. He and Luxio looked where

the noise was coming from. Suddenly, about 20 Bidoof burst into the clearing.
"Luxio, use spark," Jamie shouted.
Luxio was suddenly surrounded by blue elecricity, and began darting around the clearing,

knocking out Bidoof wherever it went. However, no matter how many Bidoof Luxio knocked out,

even more came out of the forest.
" Luxio, I know Robert says you don't know how to use this properly, but use Discharge!" Jamie

shouted.
Luxio was surrounded by blue energy, then the whole clearing burst into smoke. When the smoke

cleared, knocked out Bidoof covered the clearing.
"Good job, Luxio," Jamie said.
"Luxio!" Luxio replied.
Jamie loked at his poketch and noticed it was 10 O'clock.
"Better get going, I've got to be in Sandgem town in two hours," Jamie said to himself.

After an hour of wandering aimlessly, Jamie stopped.
"This is hopeless, we're lost," he said.
Just then, something caught his eye. He turned to look, and saw that something was glowing in the distance. Curious to see what it was, he walked towards it. He soon found himself in a massive clearing. In the clearing, was a massive lake.
"Lake verity, home of the legendary pokemon Mesprit," Jim whispered to himself.
And there flying above the lake was a pokemon.
"Is that... Mesprit?" He said.
Mesprit flew over to him, and pointed towards a part of the forest.
"Is that the way to Sandgem town?" he asked.
Mesprit nodded, then flew back into the lake.
"Wow. I can't believe I got to see Mesprit," He said, then turned and walked in the direction

Mesprit had just pointed.
Meanwhile behind a bush, a mysterious person spoke into a walkie talkie.
"Sir, a boy just walked up to the lake, and Mesprit came out to help him."
"Hmmmm," said the person he was talking to, "we could use him for our plan."
"Should I capture him sir?"
"No, let me see him first, where is he going?"
"Sandgem Town sir, probably to get himself a starter pokemon."
"Good, I'll meet him in Eterna city."
"Should I keep watching him, sir?"
"Yes, but don't let him see you, or at least, not yet."
"Yes sir."

At half past 11, Jimmy finally arrived at Sandgem Town.
"I'd better start looking for Professor Rowan's lab, so I don't end up arriving late," he said to

himself. After 15 minutes of searching, he finally found Professor Rowan's lab. As soon as he

walked in, he was dumbstruck. Scientists were walking everywhere, going to experiments, taking

notes, moving on to the next one. Jamie walked around. He saw scientists giving stones to 3

Eevee, then taking notes as they evolved. He was so busy looking at all the experiments he didn't

notice when he walked into someone until he walked into him.
"Ooops, sorry. Do you know where professor Rowan is?" Jamie asked.
"I am professor Rowan, you must be Jamie," said the person he walked into. (Professor Rowan.)
"Yes, I am. When do I get my starter pokemon?"
"Right now if you want. Follow me," Professor Rowan said.
After pushing through the crowd of scientists, Jamie and Professor Rowan arrived at a table

with 3 pokeballs on.
"So, which do you want. Turtwig, Chimchar, or Piplup," Rowan asked Jamie.
"Can I have a look at them?" Jamie asked.
"Of course you can," Rowan replied.
"Thanks. Go, Turtwig, Chimchar and Piplup!"
Three bright flashes later 3 little pokemon were staring up at him.
"Hmmm, which one to pick. Hey! Isn't that Piplup a little too light blue?"
"Yes that's because it's a shiny Piplup."
"Wow. That probably explains why my friend's Turtwig is a blue-green."
"Was Jacob, his name."
"Yes."
"Ah yes. His Turtwig was a shiny Turtwig. I thought he was going to make a great trainer."
"OK. I've decided to take Piplup."
"Good. Now, I have great expectations for you. Now I must run, apparently some colleagues have discovered how to make Zorua evolve into Zoroark and they want to show me. See you another time."
After Rowan left, Jamie looked at his poketch. 12:30.
"Uh oh. I said I'd be back by 2 O'clock. I hope I don't get lost like last time."
And with that he walked out of Professor Rowan's lab, and into Sandgem town where he turned, and headed towards route 201, and more specifically, Twinleaf Town.

To be continued...



I hope you like it please post comments

P.S. How do you type the e in pokemon

 

[White Len]

I would like to bet that this story was written in notepad, but now is not the time to geek out. More importantly, the introduction can be summed up in one word: boring. Nothing happens. He just goes there, gets his Pokemon and GTFOs, with this weird guy foreshadowing the plot in a very...boring way. If you want a good journey story, try reading Pokemon special. You'll notice that each time, the introduction to each chapter and the obtaining of each Starter usually has some kind of event preceding it.

Spoiler

For example, Red has to go around catching Pokemon which he accidentally released and Gold runs into Silver.

This is just...boring (Ow, my vocabulary is dying). No offense, but that is really how I feel. For a journey that's suppose to be weird, about the only thing weird is that Mesprit appears to the trainer, and that has totally not occurred many times in fanfiction. Have something wacky occur. Make your story...I don't know, weird?

Also, don't take this too much to heart. I'm just a person who talks to himself all the time, so you don't need to take my opinion all that seriously. If there's anything good I have to say, it's that you're at least trying, and it's good that you're putting effort to learn from the people who tell you how to improve.