An Oyster Stew

[MollyHaleIsMyFriend]

An Oyster Stew

Tracey's girlfriend Emma's birthday has come, he's taking her out to an italian restaurant. Everyone is snappily dressed for this occasion.

"Want to go shopping with me, Ash" asked Tracey

"Sure" said Ash

they go to a store that sells pearls ar a very low price

"Don't touch anything" said Tracey

Ash sits in a chair with his hands folded while Tracey looks for pearls that would be great for Emma, he looks for pearls gor 1 whole hour and finally winds a box of 100 white pearls

"I'll take this one" said Tracey

"OK" said the cashier

Tracey pays the cashier and walks out of the store.

"Can I get a cookie?" asked Ash

"Sure, Little Buddy" said Tracey.

then they find Emma and go to the italian restaurant.

"Happy Birthday, Emma!" said Tracey presenting her gift to her

"Thanks, Tracey" giggled Emma kissing Tracey

they all sit down to a perfect large lunch.

"Something wrong with your soup, Little Buddy?" asked Tracey.

"I'm waiting for it to cool" said ash.

a monster names the Oysterizer ruins the whole dinner.

"Team Rocket" yelled the kids

"Prepare for trouble" said Jessy

"And Make it double!" said James

"To protect the world from devastaion" said Jessy

"To unite all people within our nation" said James

"To denounce the evil of truth and love" said Jessy

"To extend our reach to the stars of above" said James

"Jessy!" said Jessy

"James!" said James

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!" said Jessy

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!" said James

"Meowth, Thats Right!" said Meowth

the kids battle team rocker (Ash, MIsty, Brock, Max, May, Tracey, and Richie)

"We need Molly's help!" said Tracey

"I'm Coming" said Molly

Molly joins the team in fighting team rocket and the Oysterizer

"this is for ruining Emma's party" yelled Tracey

all 8 kids use their pokemon to destroy Oysterizer and defeat team rocket"

"Team Rocket's blasting off again!" said Team Rocket

they return to the italian restaurant and east pasta, salad, and drink water.

the gang laughs, Molly giggles

The End

 

[bobandbill]

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but your stories could use a fair bit of work.

The vast amount of the story is dialogue. Where's the description? For instance - what do the characters look like? I see that you are basing this a lot on the anime, but still some on them such as Ash couldn't hurt. And what about these seemingly invented characters (or lesser known characters? Sorry, not that well-versed with the anime). What do they look like? Personality? What do the clothes look like - what are they? Consider such things with description - and show us, instead of telling. But the main thing is - more description is required. Especially for those who don't know that much abotu the anime characters to knwo each by name.

Punctuation. Especially around dialogue.

"Want to go shopping with me, Ash?" asked Tracey

"Sure," said Ash

Remember to include the sort in sentences. Question marks, full stops and commas are your friends, and are required in dialogue. Better learn which ones are the right ones to use however, as there are special cases for each.
Try to use some other words then 'said'. When overused, it's gets bland and repetitive. Use other words that give us a sense of how they are being said and all. Also - always capitalise people's names - sometimes Ash was lonely without his capital A.

Then there's the story itself. It seems that you do these as a sort of mini-series, whcih si fine, but it wasn't all that interesting, to be honest. They went shopping, bought Pearls,ate some lunch, Team Rocket came, Team Rocket got kicked out, they ate some more... the end. Not all that much to enjoy, really. Some side plots, and character development would be nice to see as well, for instance.

a monster names the Oysterizer ruins the whole dinner.

"Team Rocket" yelled the kids

...ok, what the HECK happened here. All of a sudden - some thingy appeared, and turned into Team Rocket (that, or then Team Rocket appeared and the 'monster' disappeared down a plothole). Really confusing. Also - WHY are Team Rocket here? Normally, it's to steal Pikachu. But it's nto stated - heck, maybe they're drunk. Or just wanted to pick a fight. Make it more obvious to why they suddenly appeared.

the kids battle team rocker (Ash, MIsty, Brock, Max, May, Tracey, and Richie)

"We need Molly's help!" said Tracey

"I'm Coming" said Molly

Molly joins the team in fighting team rocket and the Oysterizer

"this is for ruining Emma's party" yelled Tracey

all 8 kids use their pokemon to destroy Oysterizer and defeat team rocket"

What, sudden it appears all these people were here the whole time? What? Should have established such a thing eariler, so we knew. Where did Molly come from? Suddenly the 'Oysterizer' (whatever it is - description of this, for instance would be nice), reappears, and their '8 Pokemon', never mind what they are, beat them. Somehow.
See, it's just has too much left for us to assume. And again - description is left wanting - we don't even know the Pokemon used? The whole fight could have been expanded on, with various attacks and the such. But instead, it lasted a few lines. Not to mention that nobody else in the resturant reacts to these events.

In short - try working on description, and expanding on everything and everyone. Flesh out the story. And fix those common mistakes, such as punctuation, capitalisation of names, and the simple spelling mistakes. Think out the story more, and make more happen. Do that and the stories you do will improve and become much more enjoyable to read. Don't get hisheartened at this review - just feel that if you want to imporve you need a bit of an in-depth review on what you need to fix. Good luck.

 

[MollyHaleIsMyFriend]

Molyl ws from pokemon 3 the movie, that's there Molly. Molyl Hale.