And Cue Disaster!

[Pokebreeder10]

Well, this is my second fanfic. Loosely based on the video games. Battles are Anime style, and no, i haven't given up on my other fanfic, "We can only go oh-so-far", but this thought came to mind, so... we'll see. Comment and rate please? Enjoy!


Prologue

Well, this is my second fanfic. Loosely based on the video games. Battles are Anime style, and no, i haven't given up on my other fanfic, "We can only go oh-so-far", but this thought came to mind, so... we'll see. Comment and rate please? Enjoy!


Prologue

On a stormy night, a lonely boy tossed and turned in his bedsheets. No matter which way he layed, he couldn't get comfortable.He got up, went to his computer and turned it on. As his screen was loading, he heard a blood curdling scream, which sounded like a thousand Glameows raking their nails against chalkboards. Wondering what could have made such an awful noise, he walked over to his window and stared out into the storm, which was obscuring the source of the noise. He couldn't see anything at all. Suddenly, in a flash of lightning, he saw three people outside. A woman and two men. The woman was wearing a fleece night gown, one man was wearing a coat and long pants, and the last man had on a gray jumpsuit on, with a big, crimson V on it. Their exaggerated motions made it look like they were arguing. I saw what the source of the noise was. Behind the man with a V, was a big purple snake. Behind each of the other two people were a Sneasel and a Riolu. My parents, Noah and Amy Alabaster, had the same pokemon, but these poor pokemon were panting, laying on the ground. The creature wrapped itself around the other two humans, the pokemon quickly forgotten, and began tightly squeezing them. In another flash of lightning, the two were almost crushed.

With a look of horror on my face, I ran into my parent's room. They weren't in their bed, and two of their Poke Balls were missing. I grabbed the other eight Poke Balls, then ran downstairs. When I opened the door, I saw the my parent's faces. They were in complete agony, I then ran to where I had saw the snake killing my parents. I saw the man turning, and I ran and punched him as hard as I could, in the back of the head. My parents were laying on the wet ground, beside their fainted pokemon, and I couldn't tell if they were breathing or not. The man turned around slowly, a murderous look on his face.

"Bad move, kid." His fist slammed into my cheek with the force of a fully grown Machamp, and knocked me off my feet. "Unless you want to end up like them, quit acting stupid, or Team Victory will kill you too." With that, he walked away, and I was glad that the rain was there. I could not stop the hot, salty, tears of my failure from rolling down my face. As I was crying my eyes out, Riolu stirred. He limped over to me, and hugged me.

"Thanks, Riolu!" I sobbed. I got up, and walked to my parents, tears reemerging to the sight of my dead parents, a look of extreme pain was on their faces. I grabbed Sneasel's and Riolu's Poke Balls, returned them, and ran to the Pokemon Center.

Inside, I saw Nurse Joy helping a boy and his Rattatta. I almost yelled,"Call the police!" Everyone looked at me. I thought about what i was wearing. Mud covered pajamas, tear stains on my face, but i continued " Someone just murdered my parents!" My voice was rising, Joy ran to the phone, calling the police to tell them about my claim.

When they arrived, they grabbed me, and put me in their truck. I was thrown roughly in the back of it. "Wait! What are you doing!?" I yelled, but they shut the door and talked to Nurse Joy. I only heard parts of their conversation, though.

"Yep, delusional... Must have stayed up too late or something..." That was Nurse Joy, her caring tone completely gone.

"Well, It'll be no problem, Nurse Joy! We'll take him to the asylum and see what they say!" Said the man that had grabbed me.

They were locking me up? For what? I'm not crazy! My parents were dead, and now this?

 

[Zekurom]

Too short. You're jumping all over the place with your plot, and the kid doesn't have enough time to stew over his feelings to promise that to himself.

 

[Pokebreeder10]

Thanks for commenting. I'll try to work on that more...

 

[TPJerematic]

Ooooh, I can see what you were trying to do but ... it's so threadbare.

It just jumps around with no real explanation of what's going on with either the scene or character emotion.

Plus you've changed from Third Person in the first paragraph to First Person for the second and third, paragraphs (which, incedently, do not a chapter make).

You need to build up the scene slower, describe some more of the surroundings and thoughts. For example:

On a stormy night, a lonely boy tossed and turned in his bedsheets. No matter which way he layed, he couldn't get comfortable.

Versus

It was a hot and humid night, a distant rumble of thunder forshadowing the oncoming storm.

I lay on my bed, the covers long since kicked away in a desperate attempt to stay cool. The hot night adding to the stewing of my mind; an eariler argument with my friends left me feeling alone, my head filled with anger at myself and them.

I sigh and roll over, wrapping my bare legs around to pillow to try and keep them from sticking together in the damp heat. No matter what I couldn't get comfortable, despite hastily turning the pillow my head is resting against hoping the cool side may bring some relief.

See? No only have I shown how the situation makes the character feel, i've given an insight into the characters personality as well as some clever bulding towards the main event.

 

[SSJ3_Raditz]

It was an awesome opening...I expected a lot of great things...

Then everything goes to heck at the end.

"Bad move, kid." His fist slammed into my cheek, and knocked me off my feet. "Unless you want to end up like them, quit acting stupid and getting yourself in over your head." With that, he walked away, and the hot, salty, tears of my failure stung in my eyes.

I thought to myself, promising this to me:I will get stronger, and when I do, I will hunt you down and avenge my parents!

How does one promise to avenge his dead parents barely seconds after they died? There's no atmosphere or feeling or emotion at all in this sentence. Your drama is hilarious. You should have given the kid some time to think about what happened or start crying. All he did was get punched, and suddenly "I promise to avenge my parents". That seems stupid.

But to be honest, your prose is good. No problems with it at all. Try to improve.

 

[Pokebreeder10]

Okay thanks guys I'll go and edit the first chapter... Then we'll see how that goes

 

[pikachu200]

I like cliffhangers

 

[Zekurom]

Alright, much better this time. Things went at a better pace this time.

 

[TPJerematic]

Hmm, better.

You've got the general gist of dramatic writing down pat. Now you need to refine your style.
I won't put an example up now as I'm doing CtM but i will later.

But this looks like an interesting concept and story: only one thing ... where is the fic taking place?

 

[Pokebreeder10]

It takes place in Johto right now... Sorry bout that!


Chapter 1

I felt the heavyset man jump into the truck, and I heard the rough growl of the engine starting. As we rode through the bumpy roads from Pallet to Viridian, I felt sick. Then, I felt something else. I felt my parent's Poke Balls at mt waist. I threw down all ten, and out popped a Sneasel, a Riolu, a Vulpix, a Skarmory, a Spheal, a Slakoth, a Bagon, a Heracross, a Slugma, and a Ralts.

"Wow, this is a big fricking truck!" I whispered. "Alright, Slugma, Vulpix, use a fire type move to melt the door!" As I said this, both opened their mouths, and small flames shot at the door, melting it slowly.

"Spheal, Sneasel! Use Ice Beam to make a slide from the door to the ground!" An icy blue beam shot from the two pokemon, and a crude slide was made. As i looked up, there was one problem. A car was coming up behind us. I looked at Skarmory.

"Um, Skarmory, could you fly with me on your back?" He nodded his head. I returned all my pokemon back into their Poke Balls, then climbed onto his back. The car behind was blowing the horn like a mad man. I told Skarmory I was ready, and he jumped out of the back of the truck, and we went steadily up. The man in the asylum van looked at me with shock. Now it was my turn to be shocked. He pulled out a gun, and pulled the van over to the side of the road. I saw the ice was melting quickly, causing a puddle of water to form.

"Hmmmm..." I thought for a second, then bullets were whizzing by my head, and I leaned over to Skarmory's head. I whispered something in his ear, then he flipped over and dropped me!!!

"AHHHHHHH!" I screamed, and heard the man laughing.

I hollered to Skarmory, "NOW!!!" A beam of energy shot from Skarmory's mouth and hit the van, causing it to quickly explode. In a rush, I looked at the ground. It was getting closer to me than I would have thought. I shot the Poke Ball beam at Skarmory, who was returned to it's Poke Ball instantly. I pressed the button, and in a flash of light, Skarmory appeared. As I landed on him, we kept dropping.

"Oh shi-" was all I could get out before we jerked upwards, steadily flying higher. After about fifteen minutes, I told Skarmory, "Stop at that open space!" As he flew downwards, I saw that it was empty. I threw down all the Poke Balls, said good night, then fell asleep. Before I drifted to far into the abyss of nightmares waiting for me, I felt all my pokemon get close to me.

"Thanks guys..." I whispered, then fell asleep as fast as a Nuzleaf will pull a prank on someone.

 

[SSJ3_Raditz]

Nice. I see no problem here.

 

[Pokebreeder10]

Chapter 2

As I woke up to the afternoon heat, I heard growling. Yet I knew it wasn't my pokemon's growl, it seemed more vicious. I sat up, and looked into the darkness.

"RAWRRRRR!!!!" I stared, my jaw dropping. I stood up and woke up my pokemon that had slept through that roar. As they woke up, they took an odd position, like they were ready for anything.

Out walked an Aggron, a Luxray, a Salamence, and a Garchomp. "Damn!!" I muttered. Seeing this many big pokemon even scared my pokemon.

"Uh, um, uh... Sneasel! Spheal! Hit them with a strong ice attack! Um Ice Beam!" A cold blue beam shot from Spheal and Sneasel and hit Garchomp, the most intimidating pokemon in the cave. It fell over, and the other three pokemon guarded it from any more damage.

I was gaining confidence. " Riolu, Force Palm on Aggron!" Riolu jumped from the floor to the wall, and with his fist glowing brown, he shoved his paw into the titan's stomach. Suddenly, the Salamence Shot a huge blast of water at my pokemon.(1) Even Riolu was struck by it.

"Sneasel, Spheal, hit that Salamence with your strongest Ice Beam combo!" The two beams struck each other as they both hit the Salamence. It was barely holding on now. "Skarmory, Riolu, Heracross, Sneasel, Spheal, Bagon, Slakoth! Attack!" I bellowed, hoping to finish this. Heracross dashed up to the Aggron, and began mercilessly punching and kicking him, but almost completely gave up on his defenses. Slakoth, who was, as always, slow, raked Salamence with his claws. Riolu hit Aggron with another tannish brown fist, making it keel over as well. Suddenly, all my pokemon except Skarmory and Heracross, glowed white.

"No way!" I was shocked! Then I remembered. My parents had trained these pokemon until just before they evolved, and they did it for me. I looked to the sky. "Thank you..." I whispered. In Bagon's place was a round gray ball with legs, that I knew as Shelgon. In Riolu's place, was a taller, spikier version of him that I knew was Lucario. In Slugma's place was Magcargo, a Slugma with a shell. In Vulpix's place, Stood a tan fox with nine tails. In Slakoth's place was a white pokemon that couldn't stand still. It was Vigoroth! In Sneasel's place was a more devious looking version of it with sharper claws and a ridge on his head; Weavile. In Spheal's place was a seal, Sealeo. A ballerina had replaced Ralts. Kirlia.

"Wait a minute..." I saw a Fire Stone on the ground, and I remembered that pokemon can hold and use items. "Oh!" Now, everyone, ATTACK!" I yelled and Lucario shot a ball of aura at Luxray, Magcargo shot a river of fire at Luxray, Kirlia stared at Salamence and suddenly, Salamence went out of control, and with each of Kirlia's motions, Salamence hit another wall. Finally, Kirlia just let him drop. Shelgon shot a blast of purple at Luxray, who stood absolutely still.

"Paralysis!" I stared at the pokemon. They were getting back up! "Oh no!" I trusted my pokemon, but could they really handle this again? Suddenly, a girl walked out of the darkness.

"Hi! I'm Cynthia! Who're you?"

(1) Bagon can learn Hydro Pump with egg moves...

 

[SSJ3_Raditz]

"RAWRRRRR!!!!"(This definitely not mean I love you in dinosaur )

Where the heck did that come from? It doesn't have any place in this fic. Get rid of it.

But I do like this chapter, no other problems.

 

[JohtoMotto]

I like it by why a luxray in the cave? I would of shit myself if i saw a steelix

 

[Fwee~]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Vulpix would have evolves if it had a fire stone the second it gained it. Fix that please. Also, the stones disappear once the Pokemon has evolves
Also, Sneasel evolves by some other stone... I believe a Dusk Stone? I might be wrong, though.
Okay, now what's going on? Why were they taking him to the asylum in the first place? Why were those people laughing evilly? Who were his parents? WHY IS THERE A MASSIVE NEED FOR QUESTIONS EVERY TIME I READ A FANFIC?!
Also, what does Cynthia look like? What is the protagonists name?! What does he look like? What does the cave look like? Is it raining? Does he have a fire going? What is he sleeping on????

 

[SSJ3_Raditz]

Why were they taking him to the asylum in the first place? Why were those people laughing evilly? Who were his parents? WHY IS THERE A MASSIVE NEED FOR QUESTIONS EVERY TIME I READ A FANFIC?!
Also, what does Cynthia look like? What is the protagonists name?! What does he look like? What does the cave look like? Is it raining? Does he have a fire going? What is he sleeping on????

You don't need to know everything at the beginning.

 

[Pokebreeder10]

You don't need to know everything at the beginning.

Thanks Raditz...

TehFwee, There IS a reason I haven't said any of that information, and sneasel evolves by holding a razor claw at night. However, Poke evolution has variations (Lances Dragonites???) And Cynthia may have been hoarding Fire Stones in the cave... That's why Vulpix evolved then, and how there was one on the floor as well

 

[Pokebreeder10]

Sorry everybody... or anybody... Ive been away a bit, but im back!


Chapter 3 Part 1

The girl was dirty, but her hair was pale yellow, and she looked to be about my age. I looked at her. "I- I'm Steven." I found my voice, and when I spoke, she smiled.

"Um, Cynthia, was it?" She nodded, her blonde hair bouncing. "Why are you staying in a cave?" I said this in a cold way, and her face turned angry.

"I could ask you the same thing, Streetrat!" Her tone was venomous. She gestured at my clothes. I looked at them, and I was covered in dust and mud. Even worse, I was in pajamas. I knew my hair and face looked a mess. She handed me a broken shard of a mirror, and I looked at myself.

My normally grey hair was now brown, my face was tear streaked, and my face was covered in dust. I did a double take, then looked again. "Geez! I yelled. Sealeo! Use Water Gun!" He shot a blast of water at the wall of the cave, and it left a hole in the rock.

"Um, I asked you a question, Steven!" Cynthia's voice was whiny. I looked at her.

"No you didn't, I asked you a question and you called me a street rat!" I looked at her with indignance. She shrugged her shoulders, sat down, and then pulled a brush from seemingly out of nowhere. "Where did that come from?" I asked her, more than a little confused. She started brushing her hair, and replied,

"My bag. Why?" She looked me up and down, then picked up a poke ball. She stood, then said to her Luxray, "Come on, Sparxplosion." She stepped into the darkness, and I heard her say, "Use Flash!" The cave was illuminated, and I saw it went back a mile at least.

She threw a bag at me, and I put it on my shoulder. She started brushing her hair again.

 

[Pokebreeder10]

It's been awhile, with school and all.

Chapter 3 Part 2

As I put my pokeballs into the bag, I sat down, about a yard from where she was sitting. She looked at me, and said, with a snicker, "There's a natural hot spring down the road a bit, and tomorrow, you'll be spending all day in it."

I looked at her, and asked her another question that had been on my mind. "Why do you have such strong pokemon?" She looked at me with an odd glint in her eyes, and said, "They were my parents pokemon."

Instead of thinking, I just asked the next question that popped into my brain. "So, you ran away and stole their pokemon?" She looked at me like I cussed her out, and her face was angrier than I had ever seen it in our short knowing of each other.

"No," She said, her voice cracking, tears forming in her eyes. "They're dead." I looked at her, and she returned my glance mourningly. I suddenly broke down. "My parents are dead too." She looked up at me, her eyes full of understanding.

Then, she said four words that set my heart on fire. "Team Rocket killed them." I looked at her, and her eyes were empty. They looked as if she was far away from this grotto. She was reliving the death of her parents. I felt so sorry for my newfound friend, and I hugged her close as she bawled her eyes out. As I rocked her to calmness, I whispered four words that were even more painful than hers. "They killed mine too." We both sat on the hard dirt floor and cried, but at least we had someone to share our burdens with.

The Next Morning

As we woke up to the sun's rays, I looked down at the girl laying in my arms. She looked so frail, and as I wiped a strand of hair from her face, her eyes shot open. She saw that it was me, and she let her eyes droop once more. I looked at her, and I asked a question that had been gnawing at me since I learned of the murder of her parents, "Don't you want revenge?" She whispered back, "Every second of every day." And I made up my mind. We were going to stop Team Rocket, no matter what it took.

Well, how'd y'all like that chapter?