• Hello!

    Please be aware that our content warnings system has recently been updated! Please refer to this thread for more information, or if you're unsure, feel free to contact a Workshop staff member!

    Thank you all for helping us ensure our community is a safe and healthy one, and for your continued patronage in our Library and Workshop.
  • Forum staff applications are now open! If you're interested in seeing what sections are currently recruiting, click here for more information!

Another Sunset

Lost Dream

New Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2010
Messages
35
Reaction score
0
um... HAI. This is my first fanfiction, and I would definitely appreciate constructive criticism. I know the first chapter might be kinda short, but that will change :) ...hopefully. Uh... yep. I guess I'll get started.

Firstly, the characters.
Jason- A boy from Toga Valley who wants to go on a journey and compete in the Grand Festival. He has a Togetic.
Christina- A girl originally from Snowpoint City in Sinnoh. Her parents relocated them to Toga Valley a few years back. Her known Pokemon are Drapion,Snorlax, and Drifloon.

Chapter One: End of the Compliancy
The sun's waning rays shone upon the boy's face as it slowly descended. His golden hair swayed, while his crystal blue eyes wandered about the multicolored sky. This was a tradition for him, started when he was very young. He always came to Wayward Hill, and would watch the sunset with his Dad. He never stopped even as his Dad did. As it was getting dark, he started walking home, passing the creaky old windmill. When he finally arrived, his mother had already prepared dinner for him.

"Hey Mom, I'm home."

"Hey hon, your Togetic has been worrying about you. You should just bring it with you when you go out." He ran up the stairs, agreeing with her along the way. As he opened the door to his room, a white blur pounced upon him, knocking him to the cold, stone floor.

"Togetic!" he laughed. Togetic answered with cheers and playfully head butted him. "Don't worry Togetic, I'll ask her tonight at dinner." His mother called for him to come down to eat, and he did as asked.

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what is it dear?

"After talking it over with my Togetic, I decided I want to go out and be..." He paused for a minute, sweat droplets dripping from his face. "A Pokémon Coordinator."

"No," she stated without hesitating.

"But Mom!"
"Jason, I said no. My word is final."

"... Can you at least tell me why?"

"Because I don't want you out there, in that cruel world. People out there are not like they are here, in Toga Valley. And don't look at me like that, you know I just want what's best for you."

"But Mom, you started your Pokémon Journey when you were ten! I'm fourteen, and I think I have a right to--"

His mother cut him off. "What I say goes. Now go to your room!" Without finishing his dinner, Jason complied.

"I can't believe this...it's ridiculous. She's so--" A thought suddenly struck him. He was always attentive; always so compliant; never doing what he wanted. Not this time. This would be different, he would run away and do what he wanted, what he deserved. Then another thought struck him. He didn't want to do this alone.

Jason always had one friend, a girl named Christina. She wasn't even a close friend, but he liked her personality. She was originally from Snowpoint City, but moved to Toga Valley a few years ago. Being a trainer originally, Christina had a few Pokémon, none of which Jason knew about. She always talked about becoming a breeder, and learning all about Pokémon and their habits. Jason knew she wanted to escape, just like him.

Later that night, he got all his stuff together which included: His Pokeball, with his Togetic in it of course; his backpack, filled with various objects of trivial importance; and his special pendant, which he acquired from his father when he was nine.

He snuck out of the house through his window, which evidently had a ladder leading to the ground. Christina's house was just three houses down, a seemingly easy journey. While walking, he tried not to scrape his feet on the ground, so no one would wake up and question his suspicious, late night walk. As he reached Christina's house, he realized it would be hard to get in. Suprisingly enough, she was right on her porch.

"Christina?"

"Um yeah? Who wants to know?"

"It's me, Jason. I was gonna go off on a journey and be a coordinator and I was wondering if you wanted to come." Even in the blackness of the night, he could see her yellow, cat-like eyes light up. Also, her black, shiny hair became visible as he drew closer.

"Jason, I was gonna leave one day... and start my journey again, but I suppose I could come along with you," she stated nonchalantly.

"Alright, you go get your things. We'll leave in an hour?"

"Hmpf. I guess. Let's meet at the forest entrance. We'll need to go through there to get to the nearest dock."

"Why do we have to go to the dock?"

"Are you stupid? We'll need a boat ride to get to Cianwood City.

"Oh, okay," Jason said as he darted toward the forest.
 
Wow. I opened this thinking it was going to be rubbish, but actually it's very good.

I like the idea, quite original not having a battler in with them. I like the idea of a fairly experienced trainer who wants to be a breeder coming along.

The end of chapter 1 seemed rushed and a little unbelievable, but I think you can just about get away with it, I hate excessively extended prologues anyway.

My only worry is that this fic'll get boring because fics about co-ordinators very often do. I'm curious as to whether your focus will be on the actual contests or other things? I'm hoping other things.

I'm also curious as to whether you're basing this on the games, anime or manga. I'm hoping games.

Anyway, this is all up to you, keep up the good work - I'll be reading!
 
Wow. I opened this thinking it was going to be rubbish, but actually it's very good.

I like the idea, quite original not having a battler in with them. I like the idea of a fairly experienced trainer who wants to be a breeder coming along.

The end of chapter 1 seemed rushed and a little unbelievable, but I think you can just about get away with it, I hate excessively extended prologues anyway.

My only worry is that this fic'll get boring because fics about co-ordinators very often do. I'm curious as to whether your focus will be on the actual contests or other things? I'm hoping other things.

I'm also curious as to whether you're basing this on the games, anime or manga. I'm hoping games.

Anyway, this is all up to you, keep up the good work - I'll be reading!

Oh, thank you very much. ^^ Don't worry, the contests will not be the only thing I focus on, I'll make sure of that. Yeah I kinda rushed it, I suppose... I also hate long prologues. xD

Good! Keep on reading. I'll have the next chapter up in a few days. :]
 
Please note: The thread is from 16 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
Back
Top Bottom