Ash' road to his dream

[poke_pika_yoshi15]

Prologue

“Brock, do you want to help me with a Pokemon?” Brock says:” Yes Mum.What has to be done?” Lola says:”One of the Pokemon is terribly ill.” Brock says:”Which one Mum?”

Lola says:” Geodude.” Brock says:”Geodude!” Geodude comes, and Brock sees immediately that the Pokemon is ill. He examined with attention and soon knows what's wrong. Lola says:” Do you know what's wrong?” Brock says:” Yes. Geodude has to evolve but for some reason it can't evolve.” Lola says :” Listen Brock. I won't be long live for now.” Brock says:”Why?” Lola says:”Because I feel that my life will come soon to a end.”Brock says:” How?” Lola says:”I won't say that. You'll see how I'll die.


The next day it rained hard. Brock didn't sleep too well because he thought the whole night about the mysterious words his mother had said. Suddenly he hears a sound. It was a scream for help. He gets up and runs to the window. Outside he sees how Lola is in trouble. Lola was held by a Team Rocket agent. He runs outside and says:”Steelix I choose you!” Lola says:”Brock don't!” Brock says:”Why not?” Lola says:”It's too dangerous for the Pokemon!” Brock says:”I won't leave you! Steelix Iron tail!” Steelix' tail glanced white and the Pokemon slammed the Team Rocket agent. He did let go of Lola. She says:”Mantine I choose you! Bubble beam!” Mantine comes out its Pokeball and blows bubbles out of its mouth.

The Team Rocket agent wanted to run away but Steelix followed him. Brock says:”Dragonbreath Steelix!” Steelix creates a white beam and aimed at the Team Rocket agent.takes something out of his bag. He holds it for him as protection. The dragonbreath rejected and was aimed at Lola. Brock has to see how Lola dies. Brock says:”Mum!” and he runs towards her. He tries to wake her up but he couldn't do that.

“Stop it Brock.” Brock looked up. He sees a sort of fairy in the air. Brock says:” Who are you?” The fairy says:”It doesn't matter for now Brock. I am here to inform you.” Brock says:”About what then?” The fary says:”You know that your mother will die. Then yor father will meet Ash' mother and they'll marry.” Then she suddenly leaves and Brock sees that the agent gave Lola something. She closed her eyes and Brock ran towards her. She says:”Brock bye.” and she closes her eyes. Brock shouted:” NO!” and he started to cry.

 

[alster08]

Re: Ash Ketchum Chronicles

This is just one big block of text. TRy writing it in paragaraph form. I also think there is another Fanfic with the same name. I would change your title if I were you. It has already been used.

 

[Dorothy LaRouge]

Re: Ash Ketchum Chronicles

I also think there is another Fanfic with the same name. I would change your title if I were you. It has already been used.

There is already a fic with that name, yes. I should know; I write said fic. I would advise the author of this fic to change the name to avoid confusion.

 

[poke_pika_yoshi15]

I've changed it and I'm the author

 

[poke_pika_yoshi15]

Chapter 1

Pallet Town The quiet and little town hasn't changed. The town has one famous resident who made the town well-known. That's Ash Ketchum. Together with his Pikachu he has experienced a lot of adventures and now he is returning home. He doesn't know that there waited a little surprise. As soon he opens the door his mother comes running into the corridor and she collides with Ash.

“Ash!” she exclaimes as she sees who she collided with. Delia says”I have to tell your friends that you're back!”

Ash says”Yeah.” although his attention was somewhere else.

He sees that Delia holds a trunk.

Ash asks”Mum why are you holding a trunk?”

Delia says:”Because you and me are going to Pewter City.”

Ash says”Why?”

Delia says:”We are going to live there. Come on the taxi is waiting!”

Ash says”Oke.” and he follows her.

They get in the taxi and Delia says:”Ash I have to call Flint.”

Ash says”Oke mum.”

Delia takes her mobile and she calls Flint and the conversation lasts very long. Ash thinks I never want to be as mum now is . I hope it. As they arrive in Pewter City Flint waits for them.

Delia says”Hi Flint.”

Flint says”Come. Follow me to the Gym.” They follow him to the Gym and there Brock awaits them there.

Brock says”Ash can I have a word with you?"

Ash says”Oke” They walk into Brock's house and Brock says”You don't have a clue what's happening at the moment?”

Ash says”No Brock. Do you want to explain it to me?"

Brock says”Yes. A few months ago my mother died in a awful way and my father was shocked. Then a few weeks ago my father met your mother and fell in love with each other. They began dating and after a little while they to live together.”

Ash says”Oke. Now I get it.”

Brock says:”Misty rang me yesterday and she said to me that she thought that you had feelings for her.”

Ash says” No.” and he felt he began blushing.

Brock laughed and said”Is that so Ash?”

He took his cell phone and chose Misty's phone number and said to Ash”Will you call her?”

 

[some colour no doubt]

You need to space out paragraphs, and more description is needed, it reads weird as well i think something is wrong with the tense (someone else please confirm on that). Sometimes it doesnt look like your making a new paragraph for when someone else is speaking either.
Another point you don't need to put a : when some starts talking.
On the plot you need to expand key points a bit more as your giving plot points with no real justification behind them, include more description and your chapter will not only read better but it will keep the reader hooked, as it normally helps that they can picture themselves there, but thats just my opinion.
Take these hints onboard and you could turn this into a really amazing fic

 

[poke_pika_yoshi15]

I edited the chapter in the way you recommend. Is it now better?

 

[some colour no doubt]

your tense still changes, as you go from saying 'says'
to at the end putting 'said', I'd recommend puttin everything in the past tense and changing all 'says' to 'said'.
it still reads a lot better as it doesnt look like a block of text, but more like a screenplay now, just add some descrpition in, about the location etc, and you still need to remove the ':'s

 

[Kantomasta]

whoah whoah whoah. ash and brock bros?

and now for critisicm, wheres the detail?

 

[Marcat]

Landog is right, where is the detail?
Also, the characters are OOC (out of character). Not to mention, the story is scripted, you plan on writing a play?
Change it to paragraphs.
There are others, I can't find now, but try to improve.
good luck.