AshxCilan-A silver linging in a dark cloud

[AshxCilanforever22]

Chapter 1:


It was a beautiful day in the Forrest...Ash and his friends had just gotten done getting his 4th badge and he was feeling great, well spirit wise...not so well sick wise...but he wasn't about to let his friends know that.

"Ash are you sure you're OK? you really don't look so good" Iris commented as the trio of friends were just packing up from camping out in the woods...it had been such a nice day that they decided to camp out instead of heading to the Pokemon center, but judging on how Ash looked maybe they should have stayed at the center.

"Yeah I'm fine" Ash mumbled as he rearranged his hat a sudden chill rippling threw his body, to bod honest he hadn't been feeling the best lately...but he wanted to get to the next gym so he wasn't about to tell his friends that.

"You know Ash Iris is right maybe we should stay here one more night so you can rest...it wouldn't be good to press further then you are able to go"

Ash spun around a determined yet annoyed look crossing his features...he wasn't sick he had to get to the next gym no matter how crappy he felt, nothing would stop him from getting his badge...cold or no cold.

"I am fine i do not need to rest...now let's go" Ash snapped a little harsher then he meant to, he tried to ignore the slight hurt that shown in Cilan's eye's. For someone who was in love with the green eyed Connoisseur he sure was being a real jerk...yes he Ash ketchum was in love with one of his traveling companions, it had started off as a slight crush something that he had figured would disappear like the crush he had developed a few years back on Gary.

For some reason however the crush on Cilan was anything but light...he found himself thinking about the Connoisseur all the time, he even went as far as to have dreams about the green eyed man...it was rather annoying actually especially the fact that it seemed to increase the more he tried to hide it.

"Geez would you calm down only kids get worked up like that" Iris said crossing her arms shaking her head in annoyance although deep down she was worried about her friend, although Ash had always had a slightly heated temper something was different now...not only did he look like he wasn't feeling the best but he always had a look like his spark was gone...maybe not gone but hidden.

It didn't take Iris long to realize Ash and Cilan had feelings for each other, although she could read people easily in someone way's..especially two people in love. Woman's intuition so to speak..she was so much into thought she barley heard Cilan give a startled shout, snapping back to the present Iris noticed to her horror Ash had fainted and was falling forward.

"Ash!" Iris gave a shout as she quickly lunged forward catching the young man who now had bright red cheeks and his breath was ragged, something was seriously wrong with her friend...Iris was sure of it.People didn't just faint for no reason at all...although she wasn't surprised Ash had always been a stubborn one when it came to admitting anything, placing him on the ground she stepped back as Cilan knelt down next to his crush a worried look crossing his features.

"He's burning up..i highly doubt he just got this fever overnight..i knew there was something wrong the past few day's...i never should have let him go on" guilt swept up in the man's chest, the one person he truly ever had feelings for and because of his poor choices in allowing Ash to continue traveling instead of resting he had a terrible fever. Cilan gritted his teeth his eye's snapping shut a pained look crossing his features...it was all his fault.

"Cilan..." Iris placed her hand on her friend's shoulder "it's not you're fault...I'm as much to blame as you are...i could have talked to him about how he was feeling as well and i didn't do it..i figured he could take care of himself but once again Ash proved me wrong..anyway it's not you're fault both of us should have confronted him", Iris took a deep breath before continuing "sides he should have told us".

Cilan sighed knowing Iris was right although it still didn't ease the guilt in his chest, as much as it hurt he could think about the guilt later they needed to lesson Ash's fever down fast...a high fever could be dangerous if not taken care of. A determined look crossed Cilan's features he may not have been able prevent Ash's illness but he would do everything he could to help his friend get well again, standing up Cilan glanced around..certain berries could act as medication to help reduce a fever..with any luck he might be able to find some in the Forrest.

"Iris there berries called ruffen berries that act as a fever reducer if made properly you're very good at foraging for items would you be able to see if there are any around here? Cilan took out a book pointing at one of the pages that had a black berry with a white stripe going threw it. "This is what they look like if my hunch is correct there should be some of these somewhere in the Forrest"

Cilan grabbed the pot that he usually cooked with...despite that the berries would help getting some cold water to put on his friends forehead would help as well, he turned to Pikachu who was glancing worriedly at his trainer kneeling down to the Pokemon's level Cilan lightly patted Pikachu a slight smile crossing his face.

"Will you watch Ash while i go to the brook that i saw earlier?" Cilan smiled warmly when the Pokemon nodded...standing up Cilan grabbed the pot before heading to the brook which was about a 10 to 20 minute walk..give or take, once he was at the the lake Cilan knelt down to the water before slowly filling the pot halfway full...he jumped back startled when something poped out of the water.

The Pokemon was in a shape of a heart..it had fins on the top and bottom of it's body also a fin in the middle...two of them, on it's back it was a darker shade of pink just like the other fins were. It's actual body was a light pink.

"Wow it's a Alomomola" Cilan commented as he quickly stood up watching the Pokemon swim around for a moment.

it was a thing of beauty, this was one of the Pokemon they hadn't came across on there journey's just yet..it was to bad Ash wasn't here..he would love the Pokemon. Quickly remember why he came there in the first place Cilan grabbed the bucket which was a little more then halfway full before slowly making his way towards the campsite trying his best not to spill the water.

"Pika Pikachu!" a voice caused Cilan to glance up...Ash's Pokemon was sprinting towards him, knowing that Pikachu should be with his ill trainer Cilan knew something was up. Rushing forward Cilan knelt next to the Pokemon who was communicating so fast that he couldn't even understand what the Pokemon was saying.

"Calm down...what happened?" Cilan said softly trying to get the frantic Pokemon to calm down.

"Pika..pika pikachu" the Pokemon yelled gesturing Cilan to follow him.

"Alright let's go" Cilan grabbed the bucket as he rushed to follow the Pokemon who was hard to keep up with,something really must be wrong Cilan thought to himself as he picked up the pace.

"Cilan! thank goodness you're hear!" Iris said as she rushed over to her friend "it's Ash..his fever has gone way he's in bad shape!" Iris glanced at her friend who was breathing weakly his body tossing and turning trying to fight the fever that raged inside him.

Cilan quickly put the pot on the table before turning to Iris...he could tell the fever was a lot worse then how he had left him, if they didn't do something fast Ash would be in big trouble.

"Iris get a cloth and dip it into the water as a cold compass I'll mash up the berries that should help with the fever"

Iris quickly dipped the cloth that Cilan gave to her before dipping it into the water..folding it in half Iris knelt next to her ill friend before putting it on Ash's head , she smiled slightly as the pained lines in Ash's face slightly lessened at the touch of the coolness.

"Hang in there Ash" Iris whispered as she arranged the blankets so he was covered up more.."Cilan and i will take care of you..we won't let you down".

Iris smiled slightly as she glanced at Cilan who had a determined expression on his face as he mashed up the berries. "He really does love you..i can you deserve it..i know i call you a kid at times but i really do care about you..and want you to be happy". Iris leaned back against the tree a far off smile on her face.."i hope you guy's get together i can tell you guy's are in pain without admitting it to each other..i think you should".

"Is it that obvious?" a weak voice caught the girls ears causing her to jump slightly startled, glancing down Iris smiled a relived expression on her face to see her friend had awakened.

"Hey there sleeping beauty"" Iris chuckled although she was deeply relieved that Ash was at least up"you had us scared for a moment..i mean not that i care or anything", she smiled slightly noticing the look Ash gave her. He knew...she may give him a hassle sometimes but he knew she cared for him.

"It takes more then a fever to break me" Ash muttered as he slowly sat up against the tree with Iris's help..he didn't feel all that better but he wasn't worried, his two friends would take care of him..he knew they wouldn't let him down.

"Ash..you're awake" Cilan said slightly startled a huge smile crossed his features...he had been so worried about his friend..he felt like his heavy heart had been lifted, Ash would never know how good it felt to
see him awake.

"Yeah..feel like i've been run over by a Gigalith" Ash muttered as he placed his hand on his head wincing as it felt like hammers were pounding his skull in, he had been sick before but never had he felt as ill as he did now.

"Well this should help" Cilan replied softly as he handed Ash a cup of tea.."careful it's hot...i made it with ruffen berries which should counter the fever and act as medication", Cilan knelt next to Ash grasping the blanket near him before wrapping it back around his shoulders. "You need to get as warm as you can" Cilan spoke softly so not to cause more pain to his friend ...he already felt guilty enough, Cilan sighed as he Iris gave him a look before shaking her head..she walked towards her Pokemon muttering under her breath.

"What was that about?" Ash wondered as he noticed the sad glint in Cilan's eye's...he knitted his eye's in concern..something was different about the connoisseur, usually his friend seemed so sure of himself and confident...not in a boasting way but in a i know what i am doing way...that was one of the many reason's he loved his friend. However...now it just seemed like there was bothering him..despite being so ill Ash wanted to know what was going on, scooting towards Cilan Ash placed his hand on Cilan's shoulder only to
startle him out of his thoughts.

"How's the tea?" Cilan asked his eye's furrowed when he noticed Ash hadn't taken a sip.."you need to drink this if you want to get better" he went to help put it to his lips only to have it spill causing Ash to jump slightly a yell emerging from his mouth.

"Hot hot hot!" Ash yelped as he shook the tea off his pants..he was so busy trying to cool his leg's down he didn't notice Cilan throw the cup down breaking it a angry look upon his face...not at Ash but at himself.

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!" Cilan yelled anger flaring threw his eye's as tears brimmed to his eye's Cilan ran past Ash heading deeper into the woods.

"WAIT CILAN!" Ash yelled as he started to follow only to have Iris stop him,"Iris i need to go after him!" Ash snapped ignoring his body yelling at him to calm down.

"You're ill you need to relax...look will wait a hour or so and if he's not back by then will go look for him..but for now you just sit here and relax" Iris said as she helped Ash to sit back down.

"Well..ok" Ash muttered a saddened look crossing his features as he sat back down, he glanced the way Cilan had ran..."Cilan..what is wrong with you?"

A/N Hope you enjoyed chapter 1

 

[Sapphire Tsubame]

This is cute so far; it will be interesting to see what happens next

 

[Cabaret]

Now let me get something clear: I don't have any shippings I support, nor I dislike.

But this seemed a tad OOC for both characters. Ash would never snap at anyone besides maybe Team Rocket. And some of the emotion and dialogue seemed out of place for these characters and these backgrounds.

The writing is there. You have a quality style and seem to have a good even level of dialogue and description and the actual events are written very well.

I guess I'll read more. Shipping fics just don't grab me.

 

[blowsave]

It was a beautiful day in the forest…

Unless we're getting way too personal with Brock's brother, I think you mean "forest." You don't need to include the dramatic periods either. I would just combine the sentences with "and," and change up the beginning so it isn't quite as cliche. In general I'm seeing a huge overuse of ellipses when they aren't necessary. In some cases they can work and even be effective, here it makes the writing seem disjointed and off the cuff.

Ash and his friends had just gotten done getting his fourth badge, and he was feeling great, well spirit wise…not so well sick wise…but he wasn't about to let his friends know that.

A very confusing sentence. First - "fourth," not "4th". The rules for when you start using numbers can differ person by person, but generally unless you get into the hundreds and beyond I would recommend spelling out the number. Your writing doesn't seem very assured - I'm not getting the feeling that you know exactly what you're trying to say. Which, by the way, is fine - in the beginning everyone's that way. Again, the over-reliance on ellipses kills the flow and makes it seem dramatic and hesitant for no justified reason. I wouldn't spell out that he isn't about to let his friends know how he's feeling, either (show, don't tell). Showing it through his words and actions only could be a good way to get into Ash's psyche.

"Ash, are you sure you're okay? You don't really look so good," Iris commented as the trio of friends were packing up from camping out in the woods. It had been such a nice day that they had decided to camp out instead of heading to the Pokemon center, but judging on how Ash looked, maybe they should have stayed at the center.[/b]

First off - run on sentence, which I'm seeing a lot of due to the misuse of ellipses (last time I mention those, I promise). There are little problems that could get fixed on a quick re-read before posting: capitalize the first letter at the start of a new sentence, not including commas, some odd word choices. It kind of seems like you're just telling a story out loud instead of writing, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't; in this case, it unfortunately doesn't. I'm not saying to develop a new writing style, but make sure the words flow as they should and are easy on the eyes.

Yeah, I'm fine," Ash muttered as he rearranged his hat, a sudden chill rippling through his body. To be honest, he hadn't been feeling the best lately, but he wanted to get to the next gym, so he wasn't about to tell his friends that.

Like I said before - show, don't tell. You shouldn't have to directly tell us that Ash isn't feeling well, and you especially shouldn't be so blunt about how the next couple paragraphs will go: by saying "he wants to get to the next gym, but can't tell his friends," you've just about summarized the following action, which would have covered the same material but in a more subtle way. Again, little grammatical and spelling (bod?) problems that probably could have been fixed if you had read this to yourself out loud, which is a good way to make sure the story flows.

"You know Ash, Iris is right. Maybe we should stay here one more night so you can rest. It wouldn't be good to press further than you are able to go.

Aside from the stiffness of the dialog, this part was a little better. Only one misuse of the E-word, at least. By the way - than is a conjunction used in comparisons (Tom is shorter than Bill), and then is used for things such as time (I wasn't ready then.), sequencing (I went to school, then went on the bus.), and some other random ones that probably won't come into play that much. The big recurring problem I'm seeing are punctuation marks, which if you utilized properly would make the story immensely easier to read and understand. For the rest of the review I won't focus so much on grammar and nitpicky things as the characters. I've been correcting little problems in the quoted sections, and for parts that stand out I'll continue to do so, but I won't dissect the problems anymore, since I think a majority of my issues have already been covered.

For someone who was in love with the green-eyed connoisseur, he sure was being a real jerk. Yes, he, Ash Ketchum, was in love with one of his traveling companions. It had started off as a slight crush, something that he had figured would disappear, like the crush he had developed a few years back on Gary.

1) You just dropped a whole lot of information on us really bluntly. For stories like this, I think issues like love and relationships should be handled a little more delicately. It might just be me, but I would have found it more effective if there had been some hints, or internal conflict, before the sudden revelation. If it had come from Ash's thoughts it could have been more effective as well; the narrator jumping in and telling us one of Ash's deepest secrets out of the blue comes out of nowhere, and takes the story into fairy-tale territory.

2) I'm fully aware that this is a shipping fic and there needs to be some suspension of disbelief, but ten year-olds (and I'll assume Ash is still ten during this story, unless I missed something I don't believe we were led to assume otherwise) very, very (and by that I mean never) experience actual love, or any romantic feelings. If this was just in Ash's thought process it would be a completely different matter, but the narrator is telling us that Ash is in fact in love, which threw me off for a second.

"Iris, there are berries called Ruffen berries that act as a fever reducer if made properly. You're very good at foraging for times, would you be able to see if there are any around here?" Cilan took out a book, pointing at one of the pages that had a black berry with a white stripe going through it. "This is what they look like; if my hunch is correct, there should be some of these somewhere in the forest.

A forest is just a general location, so it doesn't need to be capitalized every time. I quoted this mainly to bring up the issue of exposition being thrown around - if your friend had fainted and you were scrambling around for a cure, you wouldn't take the time to point out that Iris is a very good forager. If it was meant as a compliment, again, the scene doesn't really call for one. For tense moments like this, the action shouldn't be stalled for trivial exposition. The same problem comes up later when you pause to describe the random Alomomola and have Cilan watch it; knowing the characters and the seriousness the situation calls for, I can't see that happening. I assume it was only included because it was in the shape of the heart. It could be a nice symbol at some point during the story (although not exactly a subtle one), but timing is everything here.

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!" Cilan yelled in anger, as tears brimmed to his eyes. Cilan ran past Ash, heading deeper into the woods.

"Wait, Cilan!"

This was just far too over-the-top. I know that Cilan has a habit of being over-dramatic in the show, but this seemed more like a way to get from A to B. From what we've seen previously, things seem to be moving far too quickly. Big momentous scenes can be great, but the little moments can be even better, and this story is really lacking little, personal character moments. Aside from the narrator simply telling us how they feel, I never really bought the love, and toward the end it became too campy to take seriously. You have potential, but you need to take your time more. Little typos, ellipses overuse, things like that can easily be fixed by doing a spell check or reading it to yourself before posting.

Good luck with future chapters, I'm interested in seeing where this will go.