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MATURE: Beneath the Surface (A Pokemon Fanfic) - (Chapter Two now up)

Murkmire

Vile, Venomous Villain
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Alright, I'm going to take a shot at writing. This is a story I had in mind for... quite some time now. This is my first ever fanfic I've written since high school, and well, I am a bit nervous. But, I decided I may as well try.

I hope you enjoy "Beneath the Surface."

To those that wanted to read; @Flaze; @Midorikawa;

New Note: Please post only criticisms regarding the story, anything you feel is good or bad with the structure of the chapter(s).

WARNING: This story is rated Mature for blood, violence, alcoholic and sexual references, as well as disturbing detail. You have been warned.


Chapter One

The sound of crying and yelling could be heard downstairs. A man was yelling at his wife for not greeting him the way he wanted after a long day working out at Iron Island. The wife was trying to apologize, but was smacked hard, audible to their son. He was sitting upstairs in his room, in the fetal position on his bed.

Tears streaked down his face, as he tucked his face deeper into his feeble attempt to escape the noise of his father's rage again. How many times, he could not count off the top of his head.

"Why... why live like this?" The boy asked himself quietly. He looked out the window, as rain showered Canalave City. He could see random people trying to escape from the terrible weather. He was envious. He too wanted to escape from his terrible lifestyle. But sadly, he could not.

"Adam Bysmal! Get down here now!" His father yelled at the top of his lungs. This made Adam jump with a fright. But, as usual, he unwound himself and slowly made his way down the stairs. He could see his mother, battered again. She looked at Adam, tears pouring out of her deep blue eyes while blood seeped from her mouth.

Her tangled, messy black hair looked like it was tugged and pulled, as it usually was the second his father was unhappy. He looked at his father, trying not to cry. But, his father knew he had been doing so as he always does.

"Get over here. Now." His father grumbled at his shaking son, who made his way without hesitation. Adam stepped across from him and his mother. Adam was shaking even more, being so close to his destructive father.

"P-Please... don't hu-" "BE QUIET!" This time, Adam's father punched her square in the mouth. She fell back, hitting a lamp and landed hard on the floor. The lamp's light bulb shattered, as did Adam's hopes of avoiding any conflict.

Adam stepped forward, shaking in fear. He had occasionally been beaten himself by his father. However, tonight was different. “Adam... did your mother leave the house today?”

Adam responded weakly with, “N-No... she was helping me study...” “Good. Now, go to your room. Your mother and I need some privacy.”

Adam turned away, and made his way up the stairs, but not before looking back at his mother. She was being caressed and grabbed, smiling weakly while feeling some sort of affection from her violent husband.



It was the morning after Adam's father made his own wife a plaything, and his personal punching bag. Adam had cried himself to sleep that night, as he would whenever his father came back from his training, or wherever he went.

Adam got out of bed, and descended the stairs, where his mother lay sprawled on the couch. There were liquor bottles on the floor next to her. With a sigh, Adam picked up the bottles and threw them away. Obviously, she had tried to wash the memories away again after his father left.

Adam looked down at his broken mother. He could still remember the day his father found her with another man. She was actually talking to a friend about a therapist, but Adam's father saw her, and greeted her with utter rage. What she was talking about with her friend... Adam still didn't know. All that was known was that she had changed, ever so slightly.

She smiled more. It was unsettling, seeing her smile after his father would beat and force her into submission. Sometimes, he could hear her not only cry, but giggle quietly in her room. The room was next to Adam's, and he could hear that, as well as his parents having sex. But Adam did his best to contain his composure, regardless of his circumstance. As Adam got dressed in his room, putting on a deep blue t-shirt with a black, button-up shirt, he thought about what to do on his day free from studies. He decided to go out for a walk. to smell the salty air that refreshed his senses.

He closed the door as quietly as he could behind him, then made his way to the docks. The bench he sat in was his little oasis. The sound of the sea and random Wingull calmed his spirits. Random water Pokemon swam into view. Some Wailmer, a Tentacruel and a school of Luvdisc were some of the local Pokemon that caught Adam's eye. He rose from his seat and took a step closer, to look at his reflection.

His once short, black hair gotten a bit longer. His skin a pasty white was clearly visible on the dark water. He was staring deeply into his gray eyes. The sad, empty gray eyes he had gotten used to looking at every time he would dwell on his circumstances. That's when something snapped him from his contemplation.

A pair of beautiful, yet... very creepy looking eyes formed where his reflection's eyes once wavered in the water's surface.
 
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Re: Beneath the Surface (A Pokemon Fanfic)

Okay so far it nice. Good first chapter that introduces the character and his family, thus setting up part of the plot. However some things caught my eye:

Tears streaked down his face, as he tucked his face deeper into his feeble attempt to escape the noise of his father's rage again. How many times, he could not count off the top of his head.
This paragraph is awkward. What is he tucking his face into? Also the second sentence as well. What times are you referring to? Overall the paragraph just has a awkward sound to it.

"Get over here. Now." His father grumbled at his shaking son,

I'm not the best with grammar so I may be wrong but I'm pretty sure that it should be a comma after "now" and thus "his" should be lower case. The period and capitalization I'm pretty sure are only used when the after words aren't words like grumble, said, spoke, etc. Again I could be wrong.

Lastly you switch between present tense and past tense. You should stay in on tense.


And to end off, I look forward to the next chapter.
 
Re: Beneath the Surface (A Pokemon Fanfic)

@Midorikawa;

He was tucking his face into his fetal position. I realize that bit was slightly... confusing. Also, that second thing you added? You were right, it was supposed to be a comma, then a lowercase.

Thank you. I'll start tomorrow night, I hope.
 
Re: Beneath the Surface (A Pokemon Fanfic)

I thought it was a good start, there's not much to go on yet as it was the first chapter and it was relatively short, we got to get a view at Adam's home life...which isn't exactly a very good one. I don't have much to recommend at the moment except that maybe making the chapters a little longer would help, but I assume that's going to happen from now on since this is just the first one.
 
Re: Beneath the Surface (A Pokemon Fanfic)

Those punny names, man.

Um. Not much more I can say that hasn't been said already with how short this chapter is. You've sketched out Adam's downright abysmal family dynamic quite well in such a short prologue, although I feel like a lot of the time you slip into telling, not showing. We can deduce well enough that the father is destructive and terrible without having to refer to him as the destructive or terrible father, and sentences like "obviously his mother had tried to wash away the guilt with alcohol" (I'm paraphrasing here) aren't entirely necessary--it's obvious, as you said, so why spend time hammering it in?

I didn't quite catch how old Adam is, but he seems quite young. One of the most chilling things about domestic abuse is the way that young children interpret it: their perceptions are usually a lot less cynical than that of an adult's, and while their narration/viewpoint may not give us all of the details that yours does, readers can usually fill in the gaps. This is a trickier writing style and I'm not sure exactly how to give you pointers on imitating a child's voice (if you'd even want that), so this is more of a "wow it'd be cool if" rather than "I know for certain that I'm right" sort of suggestion.

Anyway, couple of typos scattered throughout, but otherwise, this was an attention-grabbing first chapter. I'm curious to see where you intend to go from here.
 
Re: Beneath the Surface (A Pokemon Fanfic)

And so, after a few months of "enjoying" life, I've come back to give this story another chapter. I was actually pretty proud of this chapter, but I'll let you, the reader, be the judge. I can't make any promises, but I will say I will try to be more focused on writing than RPing. It's becoming a mess, to be quite frank. And to be honest, I want to sharpen my writing skills.

So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy the second chapter of "Beneath the Surface."


Chapter Two

Adam had a shiver crawl up his spine as his eyes were replaced by a pair of eerie, yet lovely red orbs. He blinked, and rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. He couldn't say a word, only breathe nervously. Adam thought about reaching out his hand, to maybe scare away whatever hid beneath.

Then, to Adam's horror... his reflection looked like it smiled at him. The reflection smiled at him as his actual face stayed perfectly surprised. "Wha-what is," he managed to mutter, before realizing that the eyes belonged to a separate being. But as it became clearer, if only slightly, it still managed to confuse Adam more and more. It looked a bit like a jellyfish Pokemon, but he'd never seen something with a haunting smile like the one it was giving Adam.

The most detail Adam could discern was from it's head. On top, was a small crown-like tuft. The look was similar to how a fedora shape is found on Honckrow. It's head was blue and white, with a frilly collar around it's neck. But the most distinguished feature was it's face. It had a seemingly innocent smile, but it still chilled Adam to the bone.

After what seemed to be an eternal staring contest, a blue tentacle was made visible, waving to Adam. Adam was simply in frightened awe at the new Pokemon he was witnessing, waving at him. Adam slowly waved back at the mystery Pokemon. With that, it disappeared into the depths, it's eyes the last bit of it to vanish. Adam, meanwhile, took some time to regain his composure. He got up off of his knees, and turned his back to the ocean. "Whatever that thing was... I hope I've seen the last of it." Adam muttered this to himself as he walked away, trying to forget about those red, hypnotic eyes.

He thought about going to the Canalave Library, to maybe learn about whatever he saw in his reflection. But, he shrugged, thinking Pokemon entries aren't in there, as new information is discovered every now and then. "...dam...Adam..." A voice, similar to that of a child rang out, slowly grew loud enough for Adam to hear, now as if the voice was right behind him. He quickly spun around, his heart racing at the thought of that creature inches away from him. "Who is it?!" He yelled, before realizing nothing was there. Nothing visible to him, anyway. What was visible, what was in his direct line of sight, was the Harbor Inn.

He sighed, his chest in pain due to the stress he experienced. "Not only at home... but anywhere I go, I can't be at ease... what's wrong with me?" He asked himself quietly as he slowly turned away from the abandoned inn, walking away at a brisk pace, away from the strange events that happened to him.


The following week, Adam's studies in Pokemon and general subjects went well. Not to mention, Adam's birthday was just another few weeks away. He would come of age to become a Pokemon trainer, finish his studies and travel the world with whatever Pokemon he chose from the Pokemon Center. But, Adam's father still beat his wife, and Adam as well, though only half as much, but just as rough and unmercifully. Something about this week, though, was different. As Adam would cry himself to sleep over being beaten, or forced to watch his mother being beaten, he would often have nightmares that gave Adam a terrible fright, casuing him to wake up in the middle of the night. His heart would be racing and become short of breath. Sometimes, he'd be too terrified to go back to sleep.

Adam never had dreams, nor nightmares to begin with. His mind would just fade to black as he slept through the night. But over the last week, his dreams only had the sounds of disturbing giggling, the voices coming from a woman and a young boy. With each night, the dream became more and more clearer to him, turning into a nightmare he would not forget so easily. During the most recent night, Adam's nightmare was fully revealed to him.

The first thing he saw after several minutes of the mixed laughter was a pair of red, gem-like eyes. The same eyes Adam had seen in his reflection. Those eyes would be accompanied by a small, seemingly innocent smile. Adam felt as if the face was right in front of him, the breath smelling like seawater and... some other smell he couldn't recognize. But it was awful, and Adam couldn't stand it. He could hear the creature giggling, with the same giggle sounding like a young boy. Even though Adam knew what it was coming from, he could only question what the hell it was, and why it was haunting him in his dreams. The laughter grew more and more louder, as the face became distorted and more frightening. As Adam's fear and panic reached it's limit, he would immediately rise up and open his eyes. That face would be imprinted in his mind for years upon years to come.

Over the next couple of weeks, Adam studied harder and harder, even taking the weekends he'd normally spend alone to try to finish up before his birthday came to pass. But the beatings and abuse from his father, as well as the nightmare Adam had every night, wore on his mental state. After being beaten, he would weakly make his way to his room, trying not to fall asleep too soon. But when he did, the face of the creature would appear, making him wake up instantly. He could even hear the creature's giggling, though, despite being awake.

Regardless, Adam did his best to survive until his birthday, usually by medication that helped numb the nightmares. He couldn't, however, rid himself of the feeling of being watched. He couldn't suppress the sounds of giggling, thinking they were just part of his imagination. And most of all, he couldn't dull the paranoia and fear that began to creep into his mind.
 
Your chapters are still kind of short murky murk :p

I mean everyone has their preference on length but it kind of feels like not much happens in the chapters, especially since most of what's happened has been narrated, we still don't know much about Adam as a whole so maybe try to expand on things a bit more in the next chapter will help. Though then again I know you're good with creepypasta so that means you're a good storyteller and that's actually the feel that this story gives out in a sense, it feels more like a storyteller is telling us Adam's story, like a fairy tale or a horror story or something like that.

Oh and about this

became more and more clearer

I think instead of more and more clearer, you should've put something like just clearer and clearer, they both accomplish the same thing but the latter fits better and it's better on the technical sense.
 
I sincerly hope that this is in no way shape or form inspired by YOUR home life, no matter how little it may influance it.
 
@Teapot Salty; My life has nothing to do with the story, nor does it concern you. Please refrain from asking such questions in my fanfic, and only post criticisms regarding the structure of each chapter.
 
There are some grammatical things like comma placement and such, but overall interesting story so far.

I do agree with what was said about "telling vs. showing." Sometimes the story reads like a simple list of actions, one after the other. Paint the pictures of what's happening, don't simply tell us.
 
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Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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