Beyond Barriers

[Wheels]

Prologue:

I awoke to the sound of my alarm ringing. The sound of birds chirping outside my window startled me as I opened my eyes. I attempted to sit myself up and, as usual, failed. My mother came in, and while grinning said, "Fin! How are you? It's time to start your journey! Also I took the time to prepare some breakfast for you. Here, let me help you into your chair." She chimed excitedly. As I entered my motorized prison, known to some as a wheelchair, I sighed. After getting dressed, I ate quickly, hugged my mother, and spoke. "Mom... you know I intend to beat all of the Kanto Gym Leaders. I need you to be strong and cheer me on!" I said while I grinned a smirk. "Fin I know this will be hard. But I love you." She said, while grabbing my shoulders. "Oh crap! 10:00! Time to go!" I exclaimed as I examined our grandfather clock. I kissed her cheek and pushed my joystick, propelling my chair out the door, approaching Oak's Lab. My green hair flowed in the cool Spring breeze. I stared fiercely towards the lab door with determination. Time to choose my first Pokemon!


Share your thoughts.

 

[Gama]

Re: The Journey

Very interesting idea, but I would've liked more to have happened in the first chapter, perhaps Fin could've actually arrived in the lab and chosen his first Pokemon? That'd be nice.

I like that this *appears* to be in your own canon too, I can't abide by people putting their work into anime canon or manga canon. (game is alright)

Anyway, very interesting idea and I'd like to see more.

You need to space things out a bit better. New line for new speaker and all that, it's very confusing. I know this is a very short chapter so it may all be one paragraph but when you start writing longer ones (as I hope you do) I'd advise you to make sure you keep good spacing between them.

Also, the title 'The Journey' is, in my opinion, very dull. On a Pokemon fan fic site, 'The Journey' is not going to attract many readers. If I were you, I'd rename while I was still on chapter one to something a bit more eye catching.

 

[Wheels]

Re: The Journey

Very interesting idea, but I would've liked more to have happened in the first chapter, perhaps Fin could've actually arrived in the lab and chosen his first Pokemon? That'd be nice.

I like that this *appears* to be in your own canon too, I can't abide by people putting their work into anime canon or manga canon. (game is alright)

Anyway, very interesting idea and I'd like to see more.

You need to space things out a bit better. New line for new speaker and all that, it's very confusing. I know this is a very short chapter so it may all be one paragraph but when you start writing longer ones (as I hope you do) I'd advise you to make sure you keep good spacing between them.

Also, the title 'The Journey' is, in my opinion, very dull. On a Pokemon fan fic site, 'The Journey' is not going to attract many readers. If I were you, I'd rename while I was still on chapter one to something a bit more eye catching.

Wow!!!!!! Ghastly's Mama wrote on my prologue page!!!! I am honored. Your Blue rival story inspired me to do this. I read the whole thing up to chapter 69 yesterday! I will rename it and try harder. Share your thoughts when I put my new name up. (First I need to find out HOW to edit the title...)

 

[Gama]

Re: The Journey

Wow!!!!!! Ghastly's Mama wrote on my prologue page!!!! I am honored. Your Blue rival story inspired me to do this. I read the whole thing up to chapter 69 yesterday! I will rename it and try harder. Share your thoughts when I put my new name up.

Wow, I'm the one who should be honoured. You read the whole thing in one day? Very well done to you, it's getting pretty long now. Thank you very much for the kind words and I will be sure to check back when you change the name. If I don't comment when you change the name and post a new chapter, send me a VM or something because I might not realise it's the same story.

 

[Wheels]

Re: The Journey

Errr how do I edit the title :unworthy:

 

[White Len]

Re: The Journey

The subject of the first post is the title of the thread. Edit the post to edit the subject.

 

[Wheels]

Re: The Journey

The subject of the first post is the title of the thread. Edit the post to edit the subject.

*Facepalm*:spin:

 

[Wheels]

New Title

Wow, I'm the one who should be honoured. You read the whole thing in one day? Very well done to you, it's getting pretty long now. Thank you very much for the kind words and I will be sure to check back when you change the name. If I don't comment when you change the name and post a new chapter, send me a VM or something because I might not realise it's the same story.

New Title achieved:yahoo:. (Barrier = wheelchair)

 

[Gama]

Re: New Title

New Title achieved:yahoo:. (Barrier = wheelchair)

Haha, yeah, I realised.

I really like the new title, I think it'll get you more readers.

 

[Wheels]

Chapter One: Rivals

I slowly wheeled towards the lab and pushed the door open. The lab was white and shiny, the light from the ceiling reflected everywhere. Self portraits of Oak and his assistants covered the walls. As I took the time to evaluate the entire room, in a blur, a boy I recognized from my class, sprinted without looking where he was going. He slammed right into me and knocked me, my chair, and him to the ground. He helped me up as he brushed the electric yellow hair off his forehead.

"Dang. You OK Fin?" He asked, although not really caring.
"Yeah I'm fine." I grunted and nodded to him.
"The name's Jin." He said and stuck out a hand.
I shook it, nodded, and rolled towards the two Pokeballs left.
"Hey! Since I knocked you down, how about I make it up to you? I'll give you advice on which Pokemon to chose." He said while grinning from ear to ear.
'This kid is annoying. I don't need any help. Help is for the weak!' I thought to myself.
"I've already decided, but I guess you can come with." I stated, looking away. "Whatever. Anyway what's your choice?" He asked raising his eyebrows. I put my hand over the Pokeball on the left.
"Bulbasaur the Grass Type Pokemon." A female voice narrated. I put my hand to the Pokeball on the right.
"Squirtle the Water Type Pokemon." The machine spoke. I snatched it up and opened the ball. A small, blue, turtle-like creature burst out.
"Cool!" I yelled as my Squirtle smiled at me. I returned it to it's Pokeball. Jin nodded towards me as we made our way to the door.
"Hey," Jin shouted, "wanna have a Pokemon battle?" The first battle of my career. I nervously swallowed.
"Sure! I'll take you on!" I shouted with fake courage. No time for quitting now! It's time to show the world no chair can contain me!

(Note: Jin is pronounced J-e-e-n)

 

[Gama]

By the rules of the forum, you must wait three hours between posting chapters.

My personal advice is to wait two or three days minimum so as not to leave busier readers behind, but that's just my personal opinion.

That said, these two chapters together basically combine to make the length and content of one, so I think you're fine at the moment. If you feel like writing, do it in a Word Document or something and then copy and paste it at your own leisure.

 

[Wheels]

Chapter 2: Dangerous Battle

And so the fight began. As I sent out Squirtle Jin sent out a peculiar looking lizard, whose tail had a small flame flickering.
“Charmander, Scratch attack!” Jin yelled and his Pokemon flew towards mine.
“Go Squirtle counter with a Tackle!” I grunted. Squirtle flew and hit the lizard square in the gut. Then Charmander appeared to fall back. Jin smiled as Squirtle confidently jumped up and down.
“NOW CHARMANDER! SCRATCH!” Jin ferociously howled. Charmander jumped up, made two slices across Squirtle’s chest, and then stabbed it’s claws into my Pokemon’s hide.
“No! What are you trying to do?” I froze in fear as Charmander kicked Squirtle in my direction. Squirtle landed in my lap. I returned it to it’s Pokeball and saw blood on my black t-shirt. My blue shorts were stained. Jin looked proud of his work. He had managed to trick me into thinking he was a friend.
“Jin! How could you do that?! You already won!” I screamed at him. He laughed.
“Do you really think being a Pokemon trainer is fun and games? There will be bloodshed. It appears you were the one who didn’t have Squirtle retaliate.” Jin scoffed. I was paralyzed with fear and guilt. Professor Oak, who had watched the battle came over, took Squirtle’s Pokeball, and healed it in the machine I had found it in. He brought it back to me.
“That was quite the battle. You both have great potential. But Jin, you need to learn to control yourself. And Fin… control your fear. If you don’t, you can never become a Pokemon trainer.” With those words of advice, Oak shook our hands and went back to his part of the lab. An assistant came to wipe the blood off the floor.
“Jin... we will meet again. And Squirtle and I… we’ll beat you.” I stated. Jin snorted and left the lab. I squeezed Squirtle’s Pokeball tightly and promised him that I would never again be weak. No more messing around. From here on out, I was serious. I left the lab and rolled out to the new route ahead. Get ready world because my journey to be the best begins now!

 

[Wheels]

Almost done w/ chapter 3.

 

[Gama]

Cool chapter, but a little short. On the upside, things actually seem to happen and a battle takes place and we get some good characterisation of Jin.
It'd be nice if you spaced your writing out a little bit.

Other than that, make it a bit longer and I think this'll be something really good!

 

[Wheels]

Chapter 3: Bullys and Dragons

I quickly sped towards the route. The wind whipped my hair. I felt the breeze blowing. Kanto was a simple region. I had always wanted to go to Johto, but my mother wanted me relatively close to home. My favorite Pokemon ever since I could remember was Totodile.

‘That kid Jin… He’s gonna pay.’ I thought in my mind.

Just then I entered the grass. I froze, just as if a Bulbasaur had used Stun Spore on me. My mother told me never to enter grass under any circumstances. Wild Pokemon were known to be vicious towards humans. One kid in our class got attacked by a Rattata, and he had the scars to prove it.

‘But I have my own Pokemon now! I can fight back…’ As I stewed on this thought, I suddenly heard footsteps.

“Hey wheels! Haha we’ve been waiting for you Fin… Looks like we got ourselves some free time. And why not spend it beating you up?” Ian scoffed as his gang started howling with laughter.

“I don’t have time for this crap. Get out of the way!” I yelled as they came forth. Ian was bulky and muscular. He had no brains. Just brawn. He was shaved bald and was wearing a leather jacket with jeans to match.

“Look Fin… I heard you got a Pokemon. I couldn’t get to the lab in time. I was busy beating up this kid named Jin who decided to make a crack at my mom. He told me that you wouldn’t be far behind him. So, I asked myself, why not go beat you up? I mean, really there’s no need for catching a Pokemon myself when I can just take it from a dumb kid like you!” Ian laughed. I didn’t know what to think about Jin being beaten up. But now wasn’t the time to care. Now was the time for action!

“Squirtle! Stand by for battle!” I yelled, tossing the Pokeball. Squirtle hopped up and faced the goons. One of them came sprinting towards me.

“Tackle him! Then while he’s down use Bubble attack!” I yelled. Squirtle followed through with my commands. The idiot crumpled on the ground. Squirtle did the same to the other four or five goons while Ian watched.

“Agh! You… you brat! I’m gonna make you wish you’d never been born!” Ian screamed as he kicked Squirtle. I managed to return my Pokemon before Ian could continue to hurt it. Ian sprinted towards me, then stopped, and shoved my chair to the ground. I fell out as he walked forward. I tried to crawl away. He kicked me and I stopped moving. As he raised his fist to hit me with another blow he was suddenly blasted back with a huge beam.

“Dragonite, good job. Kid you OK?” A tall red haired man asked.

“I’m fine… Wait… you…. You’re Lance right? The dragon master? Why would you help me?” I asked as my chair was pushed by Lance. I crawled into my chair.

“Correct. Couldn't just sit there and watch. I hate pathetic scum like that thug.” He said pointing at Ian’s crumpled unconscious body. I stared at Ian.

“Well… I got to be going kid. I hear this guy Red is off to the Elite Four. Of course, he’ll have to beat me to get to the champ.” Lance stated.

“Who is the champ?” I asked furrowing my eyebrows.

“This kid named Blue. He’s pretty good. No doubt he can beat me, but the kid Red… I hear he’s powerful. By the way you’re going to take on all the gyms right? In that case, if I see you again what do I call you?” Lance said casually.

“The name’s Fin. Good luck with the kid Red. Thanks again sir.” I said. He nodded, hopped on his Pokemon’s back, and flew into the sky.

I decided to get moving. After I healed my Pokemon I proceeded to train. After all, if I’m going to beat Lance I have a lot of work cut out for me. I passed Ian’s still unconscious body and went up the route. I saw a city up ahead. Time to enter the one and only Viridian City!

 

[Zekurom]

By the rules of the forum, you must wait three hours between posting chapters.

Well, it's more of a guideline than a rule, but alright.

Personally, I'd wait at least 24 hours, but nobody's been leaving reviews, so I space it out to about 3 days or so.


As to the story, it improves between chapters, I can tell.

Just a few problems that I can see:

“NOW CHARMANDER! SCRATCH!” Jin ferociously howled.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not sure most people will ferociously howl out commands to their Pokemon.

Seems like an okay idea, though, looking at the life of a Pokemon Trainer in a wheelchair.

However, this does mean that you'll have to take the fic more seriously. Fin can't just go around doing things like a normal person does them. And other characters are bound to treat him slightly differently at first if they're unfamiliar with him.

 

[Gama]

Nice chapter. First of all, it's 'Viridian City'.

Lance did seem like a bit of a deus ex machina, the fact that he happened to stop by between Blue and Red beating him seems a bit unrealistic HOWEVER if you at some point (it doesn't have to be soon) give a good explanation as to why he was in Pallet Town, it could actually work very, very well.

Anyway, Lance is one of my favourite characters so featuring him is awesome! (In fact, my next story after Rival's Story is going to be about Lance) That Ian guy sounds like a total jerk and I like that Jin got beaten up by him too, in fact, that makes me quite eager to see Jin again!

Anyway, this story is really good so far, I can't wait to hear more from it.

Interesting idea

 

[Wheels]

Chapter 4 is coming.

 

[Wheels]

Chapter 4: An Abandoned Gym, a New Addition, and Memories

I rode up into the city. I examined my surroundings. A few modern buildings, some people milling about, nothing special. Two buildings, however, caught my attention. A red and white building, known to be a Pokemon center, and a blue and white building, a Mart. I decided to go to the Mart and see what was in stock.

I spent my money quickly. The man at the counter had said something about a new Pokeball shipment. I bought 5 Pokeballs, hoping to catch some new Pokemon for my team. I thanked the man, who seemed to feel uncomfortable for some reason. I knew this situation all too well… Wheelchairs weren’t the best thing to have if you wanted to have a normal, non-weird conversation.

I ignored this as usual. I was used to it. I rolled up past the building and up ahead saw a huge building. A Pokemon Gym. I drove up, but found to my disappointment it was locked.

“Hey kid. It’s locked. Besides, you couldn’t take the Leader anyway.” An old man who was sitting besides the Gym grunted.

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious.” I was quite annoyed with my current predicament. A locked Gym wasn’t exactly my idea of a good start for my League challenge. I decided the best thing I could do would be to go West. I then heard a T.V. from inside a house nearby and decided to listen in.

“Special announcement for all civilians! Team Rocket has officially been disbanded thanks to Pallet Town’s own trainer Red. Kanto is now safe once again! This has been Roger Brice. Signing off!” An excited news reporter yelled.

‘Team Rocket’s gone! That’s a relief. I remember mom telling me about them being a bunch of non-trust worthy goons! Always up to no good, whether it be stealing, killing, or hurting Pokemon. Well I guess that kid Red is really all he’s cracked up to be…’ I thought in my head.

I headed west to a new route. Grass was everywhere. I sniffed the air, inhaling the smell of adventure. Then I entered the grass. A wild Pokemon jumped out at me. It appeared to be a small bird with a white torso and tiny red wings. It seemed to be angry in a way. I casually sent out Squirtle and ordered a number of attacks.

“Squirtle! Use Tackle! Then go with two Bubble attacks!” I commanded. The Pokemon, which I checked on my Pokedex, was Spearow. My mom had my Pokedex, unknown to me until now, in my pack. Spearow had crashed to the ground from the Tackle, then blown back by the Bubbles.

It screeched and countered with a flurry of Peck attacks. It hardly did any damage though. Squirtle stood still and howled with laughter at the weak attempts of it’s foe.

“Squirt Squirt Squiiiiiiirtle Squirt!” My Pokemon laughed triumphantly.

“Squirtle! It looks weaker now! Use one more Bubble attack. Try to hold back!” I yelled. Squirtle complied. The Spearow looked to be on the verge of collapsing. I unclipped a Pokeball from my belt and threw it with all my might at the wild foe. The ball shook back and forth. It kept moving as though the Pokemon inside was attempting to resist.

‘What if I fail at catching it? That’s no way to catch my first addition to my team… I have to catch it! No way it’s getting away!’ I thought intensely in my mind.

Then suddenly I heard a ding. I smiled, and my starter brought me the Pokeball. Squirtle placed it on my lap and grinned.

“Good job buddy! You did well. Now let’s go heal up friend?” Squirtle hopped up and was returned to it’s home. I proceeded back to the Pokemon Center.
At the counter a white skinned, pink haired, typical nurse took my two Pokeballs and placed them in a healing machine. I nodded in thanks and rolled back to the route. I beat a few Mankeys with Spearow and then healed once again. My Spearow’s moves were Peck and Growl. Not quite super powerful, but they would do.

I realized as I once again returned to the route that the Pokemon League was ahead. Of course I’d need 8 Badges to get inside.

I thought about my disease. I was born like I was now. My muscles slowly were getting weaker. Eventually I may even not be able to move. But before I do I have to beat the League. I must become the Champion.

The doctors were shocked I was still alive. They said I should have died years ago.

“I give em’ five more years mamn. Then he’s gone. By then his muscles will have shut down completely. I’m sorry.” I remember the doctor’s voice echoing in my head. I was 3 years old at the time. Now I was 13, almost 14. The reason I was alive was sheer will. I have the will to not die. I had a purpose in this world. And because of that I will never give up. There is no diagnosis that will contain me. No chair will bind me. My legs can’t hold me back. My soul will keep going till the day I die. No surrender. No backing down. This is my policy.

With these memories and thoughts in my mind, I moved ahead. Then, suddenly, I saw a familiar blur of energy. Yellow spiky hair. A cocky attitude. A stupid smirk. It was my rival, Jin! His clothes were slightly tattered and there was a bruise on his face. Ian’s work, no doubt about it. He came forward and then spoke.

“Hey scrub! Haha I see you’re coming to see the League Fin. Well they won’t let you in! Either way, it’d be a shame if they did. Letting some cripple in to challenge Kanto’s Elite Four would be disgraceful. If you don’t have the strength to ‘stand’ to the challenge then how could someone like you even stand a chance!”

“Jin! I’m going to prove you wrong here and now! Prepare to be defeated!” I yelled. He laughed and grabbed a Pokeball. Now it was my turn!

 

[Gama]

I had a couple of issues with this chapter:

Fin seems to decide that heading West is his best decision based on absolutely nothing. It would've been nice to hear a little justification.

When you are referring to the possessive, "its" does not have an apostrophe. I don't know why, that's just the way it is. "it's" means "it is".

However, this was a very powerful chapter. Fin's medical background was particularly interesting. Wow, it was really good! I also liked the shopkeeper's reaction to him, this is really moving stuff.

I also really like that Fin's second Pokemon is a Spearow, very interesting. It's canonical in terms of the games and yet it is somewhat original.

The fact that Red exists alongside Fin, Jin and the others is also a novel idea - very good. I wonder if Fin will have to take on Red for the Championship battle?

My main piece of advice to keep this as fresh as you have is don't feel constricted by the storyline of the games. There's no need for Fin to encounter Jin everywhere that Red encounters Blue, I'd quite like to see Fin get across Nugget Bridge unhindered but get accosted by Fin around Mt. Moon. That kind of thing, mix it up a little and take your audience by surprise!

Also, the quality of this chapter has helped me make a decision that I've been umming and erring over for the last three days. I'm going to nominate Fin as best main character in the Bulbagarden Fanfiction Awards.