• Hiya, everyone --

    Recently we've been noticing there have been a few stories here and there that have been posted without content warnings. As a reminder, we ask that every work published in our Workshop contain content warnings, even if none apply (in which case, you can just mention that no content warnings apply). You can refer to a helpful guide on how to rate your stories here, but if you need any further assistance, please feel welcome to contact a Workshop staff member! We're here to help.

    Thank you all for helping us ensure our community is a safe and healthy one, and for your continued patronage in our Library and Workshop.
  • Hiya, everyone!

    If you'd love to recieve a story of your choice, or write one for another user, please consider taking a look at our recent Writers' Workshop event announcement!

    We're all really excited to see how this fun Winter-themed gift exchange we're running will go, but we need your help! Signups end on the 6th of October, so please don't wait too long -- check out the thread linked above for more information!

    We hope to see lots of familliar and new faces around for Eiscue's Exciting Exchange!
  • Our friends at Johto Times have concluded their massive Favorite Pokémon Poll and the final results are now up. Click here if you're interested in seeing if any of your favorites made it!
  • Our spoiler embargo for the non-DLC content for Pokémon Legends: Z-A is now lifted! Feel free to discuss the game freely across the site without the need of spoiler tabs, and use content from the game within your profiles!

TEEN: - Ongoing Black-out: the Story of the Old Chateau (PG-13)

I

Ino-Chan

Sig By Blue Dragon
Joined
May 20, 2007
Messages
10,981
Reaction score
3
( Authors note: I haven't seen anyone write a story like this so...)

Prolouge
_____________________________________________________________________________

< In a letter 600 years ago...>


Master Birch,

I swear, I will come back. If you continue your evil deeds, the death of your family shall come by me. Their death, like the ones of my family! Even if I have to destroy you in a later life... at least you shall not be hanging any one in my family anymore for your sience.
The humans and the pokemon here lived together in peace until you ruined it! Curse you as I stand in line waiting at the doors of death. I may be gone, but the one who has the birthmark of Haunter shall have revenge! True it may take some time, but I shall get back at you for what you have done!

<end letter>


547 years later...

The letter was found in the Old Chateau in Eterna Forest. The scientists found it near a burned down skeleton. The Old Chateau has been abandoned for 450 years. The letter has shown that Profesor Birchin Hoenn owns the house.


40 years later...

A girl was born with the mark of a ghost pokemon on her right arm was born....
_____________________________________________________________________________

How do you like it? I want reviews and comments please.
 
Last edited:
Ephraim and me said:
( Authors note: I haven't seen anyone write a story like this so...)

Prolouge
_____________________________________________________________________________

< In a letter 600 years ago...>


Master Birch,

I swear. I will come back. If you continue your evil deeds, the death of your family shall come by me. Thier death, like the ones of my family! Even if I have to destroy you in a later life... at least you shall not be hanging any one in my family anymore for your sience.
The humans and the pokemon here lived together in peace until you ruined it!

Curse you as I stand in line waiting at the doors of death. I may be gone, but the one who has the birthmark of Haunter shall have revenge! True it may take some time, but I shall get back at you for what you have done!

<end letter>


547 years later...

The letter was found in the Old Chateau in Eterna Forest. The scientists found it near a burned down skeleton. The Old Chateau has been abandoned for 450 years. The letter has shown that Profesor Birchin Hoenn owns the house.


40 years later...

A girl was born with the mark of a ghost pokemon on her right arm was born....
_____________________________________________________________________________

How do you like it? I want reviews and comments please.
Click to expand...

Well, just for starters...

Very choppy, lots of spelling errors. I'd run this through Word or some program with a spell-check. The letter needs a lot of work as far as grammar and sentence structure go.

"I swear. I will come back. If you continue your evil deeds, the death of your family shall come by me. Thier death, like the ones of my family!" This whole thing should be reworked (thier =/= their) into just 2 or 3 sentences. "I swear" doesn't need to be a sentence on it's own.

"The letter was found in the Old Chateau in Eterna Forest. The scientists found it near a burned down skeleton. The Old Chateau has been abandoned for 450 years. The letter has shown that Profesor Birchin Hoenn owns the house."
Birchin Hoenn? Seriously? Also, a burned-down skeleton? Finally, you keep switching your tenses. "The letter WAS found" / "The Old Chateau HAS been abandoned"- pick one tense and stick with it so the story reads more smoothly.

This is a significant improvement over your last fic, however, you still have a long way to go. The way you tried to write someone who had lived 600 years ago made me cringe. Unfortunatly, this story read like it was written by someone who does not read a whole lot. It looks like it could be a super-cool story, but it really needs some love.
 
Last edited:
Please note: The thread is from 18 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
Back
Top Bottom