TEEN: - Ongoing Black-out: the Story of the Old Chateau (PG-13)

[Ino-Chan]

( Authors note: I haven't seen anyone write a story like this so...)

Prolouge
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< In a letter 600 years ago...>


Master Birch,

I swear, I will come back. If you continue your evil deeds, the death of your family shall come by me. Their death, like the ones of my family! Even if I have to destroy you in a later life... at least you shall not be hanging any one in my family anymore for your sience.
The humans and the pokemon here lived together in peace until you ruined it! Curse you as I stand in line waiting at the doors of death. I may be gone, but the one who has the birthmark of Haunter shall have revenge! True it may take some time, but I shall get back at you for what you have done!

<end letter>


547 years later...

The letter was found in the Old Chateau in Eterna Forest. The scientists found it near a burned down skeleton. The Old Chateau has been abandoned for 450 years. The letter has shown that Profesor Birchin Hoenn owns the house.


40 years later...

A girl was born with the mark of a ghost pokemon on her right arm was born....
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How do you like it? I want reviews and comments please.

 

[Turtle Tamer Kammy]

( Authors note: I haven't seen anyone write a story like this so...)

Prolouge
_____________________________________________________________________________

< In a letter 600 years ago...>


Master Birch,

I swear. I will come back. If you continue your evil deeds, the death of your family shall come by me. Thier death, like the ones of my family! Even if I have to destroy you in a later life... at least you shall not be hanging any one in my family anymore for your sience.
The humans and the pokemon here lived together in peace until you ruined it!

Curse you as I stand in line waiting at the doors of death. I may be gone, but the one who has the birthmark of Haunter shall have revenge! True it may take some time, but I shall get back at you for what you have done!

<end letter>


547 years later...

The letter was found in the Old Chateau in Eterna Forest. The scientists found it near a burned down skeleton. The Old Chateau has been abandoned for 450 years. The letter has shown that Profesor Birchin Hoenn owns the house.


40 years later...

A girl was born with the mark of a ghost pokemon on her right arm was born....
_____________________________________________________________________________

How do you like it? I want reviews and comments please.

Well, just for starters...

Very choppy, lots of spelling errors. I'd run this through Word or some program with a spell-check. The letter needs a lot of work as far as grammar and sentence structure go.

"I swear. I will come back. If you continue your evil deeds, the death of your family shall come by me. Thier death, like the ones of my family!" This whole thing should be reworked (thier =/= their) into just 2 or 3 sentences. "I swear" doesn't need to be a sentence on it's own.

"The letter was found in the Old Chateau in Eterna Forest. The scientists found it near a burned down skeleton. The Old Chateau has been abandoned for 450 years. The letter has shown that Profesor Birchin Hoenn owns the house."
Birchin Hoenn? Seriously? Also, a burned-down skeleton? Finally, you keep switching your tenses. "The letter WAS found" / "The Old Chateau HAS been abandoned"- pick one tense and stick with it so the story reads more smoothly.

This is a significant improvement over your last fic, however, you still have a long way to go. The way you tried to write someone who had lived 600 years ago made me cringe. Unfortunatly, this story read like it was written by someone who does not read a whole lot. It looks like it could be a super-cool story, but it really needs some love.

 

[Ino-Chan]

I'll fix it.