Once upon a time there was a little girl who constantly wore a red riding hood. Naturally, people called her "Bonnie", because that was her name. It would be most rude to call someone after an article of clothing they wore. Imagine if they called someone "Little Blue Baseballcap" or "Ugly Faux-Leather Shoes"? What a horrible world we would live in!?
Anyways, Bonnie lived with her mother in a cottage on the side of a village. One day, her mother asked Bonnie to deliver food to her sick grandmother who lived in a house in the middle of trecherous woods. Why a sick, elderly, and frail senior citizen would be living in a dangerous forest alone is anyone's guess. But it problably had somethign to do with social security, healthcare, and the economy all simultaneously collapsing like a set of dominoes. Times were tough.
So Bonnie's lazy mother handed her a picnic basket full of goodie and sent her unprotected child through a deadly forest to visit her sickly and solitary mother. Family values, indeed. Bonnie's mother did warn her of three things, though - beware of wolves in the forest, don't take shortcuts, and watch out for local bears. They liked pic-a-nic baskets.
And they were smarter than average.
So Bonnie ended up traipsing through the forest until she saw a wolf!
The wolf stepped out from the shadows. "Little girl, is that a basket of goodies you're delivering to your grandmother?"
Bonnie's eyes widened. "Holy cow! A talking wolf! I'm RICH! Or insane!"
The wolf leaned against a tree. "Actually, I don't think I'm literally supposed to be a wolf. I think I'm supposed to be a clumsy metaphor for a sexual predator, or at least a dangerous stranger in general."
"Then why not just tell this story with an intimidating man in your place?" Bonnie asked.
"Well, parents are wary of exposing their children to the facts of life at an early age. They believe the truth may be too shocking for such an early age. A wolf represents a supposedly tamer and more mundane fear - that of being killed and eaten." The wolf explained while anthropomorphically rubbing it's chin.
Bonnie's face scrunched up in disgust. "So you're saying that most parents would find the idea of exposing their children to psuedo-cannibalism and being mauled by wild animals rather than explaining human sexuality to them more preferable?"
"Well when you put it that way, it does make things a little off-putting. If it makes you feel any better, you could consider this fable an early example of the werewolf myth." said the wolf.
"It really wouldn't," replied Bonnie. She then said "Of course, when you get down to it, many childhood myths are based around the idea of instilling unquestioning obedience into a child. Thank goodness for 'Alice in Wonderland'."
"Oh, indeed!" said the wolf. "However, myths like these are also disturbing when you compare them to primitive supersitions. But we've wandered off on a tangent. I'm supposed to want to eat you."
"Do you?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.
"Not particularly," said the wolf. "It's said how many of my kind are demonized in stories like this. As if we were the servents of Hell or something. Wolves very seldomly attack humans unless rabid. And that's rarer than you'd think anyways. It's more likely that the persecution of wolves emerged not from attacks on humans, but from wolves hunting sheep after ranchers encroach on their territory. Speaking of which, a woodsman is cutting down my forest as we speak. Most of the deer have fled. I'm quite hungry. While I don't particularly want to consume you, the fact that you're a 12-year old girl sent through a forest of hungry animals carrying a basket full of hot food makes this an awkward situation!"
"I should have you know that I am a woman of the - well, not new millenium. But a woman of the '90s, at least. I'm empowered!" Bonnie informed the wolf.
"What does that mean?" the wolf asked.
"I'm packing heat, I blieve that's the colloquialism," Bonnie said, pulling out an assault rifle from her pic-a-nic basket (Hey, Boobo!)
"What a shame that we've arrived in this dark connundrum. I am but a simple anthropomorphized creature, driven from my home by circumstances far beyond my control. My packmates and my prey slaughtered by human manifest destiny. Here I stand before you, starving. And there you stand, ready to shoot me. On one hand, I have the overpowering love I have for myself. On the other hand, if I don't eat you, I may starve. On the other hand, if I attempt to feast upon your innards. You'll problably kill me. Decisions, decisions," the wolf said.
"Perhaps there's a solution you're overlooking. I am not the cause of your dire situation. The woodsman is," Bonnie said.
"Alas!" the wolf cried. "He too is armed, quite heavily - with an axe. I'm afraid that he'd cleave my head in two before getting close enough to do the rascal in."
"Ah! But you see, this assault rifle can be quite deadly at a range far beyond an axe!" Bonnie said.
Wolves cannot generally smile. This one did. Of course, it could also talk, too. So there you go.
About a half an hour later, there was one less woodsman in the woods, and the wolf was quite a bit fuller. Without a greedy, axe-wielding maniac running about, life soon returned to the forest. Over the years, Bonnie and the wolf grew to be quite close friends. At one point, they talked of marriage - but society claimed that their relationship was unnatural. Getting health benefits was hard for the young couple, but they moved to Canada some years later and things were sorted out.
The picnic basket of goodies was swiped by a bear from a neighboring national park while Bonnie and the wolf was talking. Police descriptions reported a large grizzly in a necktie and hat, but no arrests were ever made. Bonnie's grandmother was completely forgotten about. And while it's not certain what happened to her, you can pretty much rest assured that she suffered a fate similar to, but not quite the same as the woodsman.
The moral of the story might be that two entities who are supposed to be enemies can find common ground in a greater threat. But more than likely, it's "Don't like sick old people live alone without food in a forest full of axe-wielding maniacs and starving animals."
Anyways, Bonnie lived with her mother in a cottage on the side of a village. One day, her mother asked Bonnie to deliver food to her sick grandmother who lived in a house in the middle of trecherous woods. Why a sick, elderly, and frail senior citizen would be living in a dangerous forest alone is anyone's guess. But it problably had somethign to do with social security, healthcare, and the economy all simultaneously collapsing like a set of dominoes. Times were tough.
So Bonnie's lazy mother handed her a picnic basket full of goodie and sent her unprotected child through a deadly forest to visit her sickly and solitary mother. Family values, indeed. Bonnie's mother did warn her of three things, though - beware of wolves in the forest, don't take shortcuts, and watch out for local bears. They liked pic-a-nic baskets.
And they were smarter than average.
So Bonnie ended up traipsing through the forest until she saw a wolf!
The wolf stepped out from the shadows. "Little girl, is that a basket of goodies you're delivering to your grandmother?"
Bonnie's eyes widened. "Holy cow! A talking wolf! I'm RICH! Or insane!"
The wolf leaned against a tree. "Actually, I don't think I'm literally supposed to be a wolf. I think I'm supposed to be a clumsy metaphor for a sexual predator, or at least a dangerous stranger in general."
"Then why not just tell this story with an intimidating man in your place?" Bonnie asked.
"Well, parents are wary of exposing their children to the facts of life at an early age. They believe the truth may be too shocking for such an early age. A wolf represents a supposedly tamer and more mundane fear - that of being killed and eaten." The wolf explained while anthropomorphically rubbing it's chin.
Bonnie's face scrunched up in disgust. "So you're saying that most parents would find the idea of exposing their children to psuedo-cannibalism and being mauled by wild animals rather than explaining human sexuality to them more preferable?"
"Well when you put it that way, it does make things a little off-putting. If it makes you feel any better, you could consider this fable an early example of the werewolf myth." said the wolf.
"It really wouldn't," replied Bonnie. She then said "Of course, when you get down to it, many childhood myths are based around the idea of instilling unquestioning obedience into a child. Thank goodness for 'Alice in Wonderland'."
"Oh, indeed!" said the wolf. "However, myths like these are also disturbing when you compare them to primitive supersitions. But we've wandered off on a tangent. I'm supposed to want to eat you."
"Do you?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.
"Not particularly," said the wolf. "It's said how many of my kind are demonized in stories like this. As if we were the servents of Hell or something. Wolves very seldomly attack humans unless rabid. And that's rarer than you'd think anyways. It's more likely that the persecution of wolves emerged not from attacks on humans, but from wolves hunting sheep after ranchers encroach on their territory. Speaking of which, a woodsman is cutting down my forest as we speak. Most of the deer have fled. I'm quite hungry. While I don't particularly want to consume you, the fact that you're a 12-year old girl sent through a forest of hungry animals carrying a basket full of hot food makes this an awkward situation!"
"I should have you know that I am a woman of the - well, not new millenium. But a woman of the '90s, at least. I'm empowered!" Bonnie informed the wolf.
"What does that mean?" the wolf asked.
"I'm packing heat, I blieve that's the colloquialism," Bonnie said, pulling out an assault rifle from her pic-a-nic basket (Hey, Boobo!)
"What a shame that we've arrived in this dark connundrum. I am but a simple anthropomorphized creature, driven from my home by circumstances far beyond my control. My packmates and my prey slaughtered by human manifest destiny. Here I stand before you, starving. And there you stand, ready to shoot me. On one hand, I have the overpowering love I have for myself. On the other hand, if I don't eat you, I may starve. On the other hand, if I attempt to feast upon your innards. You'll problably kill me. Decisions, decisions," the wolf said.
"Perhaps there's a solution you're overlooking. I am not the cause of your dire situation. The woodsman is," Bonnie said.
"Alas!" the wolf cried. "He too is armed, quite heavily - with an axe. I'm afraid that he'd cleave my head in two before getting close enough to do the rascal in."
"Ah! But you see, this assault rifle can be quite deadly at a range far beyond an axe!" Bonnie said.
Wolves cannot generally smile. This one did. Of course, it could also talk, too. So there you go.
About a half an hour later, there was one less woodsman in the woods, and the wolf was quite a bit fuller. Without a greedy, axe-wielding maniac running about, life soon returned to the forest. Over the years, Bonnie and the wolf grew to be quite close friends. At one point, they talked of marriage - but society claimed that their relationship was unnatural. Getting health benefits was hard for the young couple, but they moved to Canada some years later and things were sorted out.
The picnic basket of goodies was swiped by a bear from a neighboring national park while Bonnie and the wolf was talking. Police descriptions reported a large grizzly in a necktie and hat, but no arrests were ever made. Bonnie's grandmother was completely forgotten about. And while it's not certain what happened to her, you can pretty much rest assured that she suffered a fate similar to, but not quite the same as the woodsman.
The moral of the story might be that two entities who are supposed to be enemies can find common ground in a greater threat. But more than likely, it's "Don't like sick old people live alone without food in a forest full of axe-wielding maniacs and starving animals."
