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Callum, From Cerulean

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Preface

Hey. I'm Fab/Baf, and I've began to work on a story. I'm not an amazing writer, competent at best, but I'm just doing this for fun. This is a Pokemon journey story, I've rated it as Mature as in the future I may deal with more mature themes. Currently it's all pretty SFW. I've never really wrote much before, and I'll hopefully get a little better as time and practice goes in. I don't know when this will finish, I'm writing a lot lately, so there'll probably be semi-frequent updates. If you have suggestions etc, leave a post :)

(In the future I may be veering into more mature themes i.e drug use, violence, swearing. Probably won't bother with much sex though.)

Anyway:

Callum, From Cerulean

Chapter 1

Most kids become a Pokemon trainer at ten. My mum and dad thought that that was too young for me and my brother; we stayed at home, pursued an education, graduated and then mum left us. Dad was a Gym Leader for Saffron City Gym. He was the strongest trainer in our family, and one of the strongest in all of Kanto. He was famous, he was fearless and he was our idol. Dad gave up his career to care for us, he was stricken by the guilt that he had carried with him since I was born; that he wasn’t around enough.

I finished my schooling; my brother had a year left. Finally our father would allow us to travel across Kanto, to catch our own Pokemon, to be a trainer. But I didn’t go. Mum always said she wanted us to go together, Callum & Max travelling together just as dad and our Uncle Brian did. When that day finally came, we were beyond excited.
Dad sat us down one morning. We had just eaten and were getting ready to finish off some yard work from yesterday. “Boys” he began before taking a slight pause. “Boys, I want you two to go out there and become trainers. I know your mum and I told you no a couple years ago, but I think the two of you are ready.” Our smiles grew wider and wider as he approached the next sentence. “I’ve got six Pokeballs here, you two take turns dividing them up, Max your first.”

Max’s hand hovered over the identical balls, he could only guess as to what they contained, could they be Dad’s cherished Gym Pokemon, or just freshly caught ones? His fingers trembled and suddenly grabbed the one closest to me. “I can I let it out Dad?” Dad nodded and suddenly a burst of energy filled the room and a Pokemon appeared.
“King. King. Kingler!” A Kingler jumped out of the Pokeball. I knew this Kingler, Dad had caught it three years ago when we went to Olivine City! As excited as I was for Max, I was for more enjoying the anticipation what was to come next. Before I could take a Pokeball, Dad scooped them all up. “I think we should see what else is contained in these balls outside; it’s already getting crowded with just one!” Dad’s smile was just as large as ours. Was there a big, strong Pokemon in one of the five left? Was it mine? I would soon find out.

In our back garden we had a small shed, plain grass and a little wooden fence. Kingler began scurrying across our garden chasing a Caterpie. Dad dumped the balls on to the ground, and I picked one up without delay. In the middle of the balls is a small white button, pressing it would open up the capsule and let its inhabitant jump out.
A white flash erupted from the ball and suddenly a new living creature was before us. I stood in amazement; a big, large, green monster was in front of me. Its blades moved slowly, it’s wing beat quietly. “Scyther Scythe!” Scyther was one of Dad’s childhood Pokemon, he had caught it when he was 15 or so. He defeated many of his challengers with Scyther. He was cherished and loved and he was all mine! “Dad, I don’t know what to say!” I was excited and happy; I don’t think I even heard Dad’s response.

Max’s turn again and he picked up the ball closest to him. He wanted a good partner for his Kingler, and he got something rather unexpected. Inside the ball and from there on to the grass came a small little creature. Green freckles, a large bulb on its back and a cute little face. This was a Bulbasaur, a Pokemon that Dad had hatched from an egg. Max was slightly disappointed, he was expecting some monstrous behemoth, and instead got a little monster that didn’t even get up to his knee. But he quickly loved him. “Hello Bulbasaur. I’m Max, I’m your trainer.” Bulbasaur’s vines crept out from its body and seemed to pat Max on his back. Kinger was introduced to Bulbasaur, Kingler’s massive red claw was extended to Bulbasaur’s tiny, thin vine and they shook. Perhaps they were friends already.
There were three Pokeballs left and two were mine. I didn’t even think about it, I grabbed one, chucked far away on the outskirts of our garden and yelled “Go Pokemon!” This was a Pokemon Dad had caught around Saffron City he said he had never seen one so far from it’s habitat. Out popped not one but two heads attached to a fuzzy brown body suspended on two springy black legs. A Doduo! Its left head would say “Dod” and instantly it’s right head would finish it’s sentence with “Duo”. I went up to pet his heads and he came running towards me and my dad, crashing into Max before leaping over him and greeting me. Doduo pecked me with his two heads softly until I was back on my own feet.

Whilst I petted Doduo, Max sent out his last Pokeball, and now I understood why Dad took us outside. A massive Pokemon stood before us, or rather it sat. Snorlax is a colossal bear of a Pokemon, perhaps even lazier than a sleeping Slowpoke. Snorlax is a Pokemon we had played with before when we were younger and Dad was home more often. He was trampoline, a table, a castle, a mountain and a hundred other things. And here he was under Max’s control; I would by lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. I hope my third matches my fondness of our Snorlax.
I grabbed my last, and I could feel within the sheer power contained within this little ball. A Rhydon? An Onix? Or maybe even Dad’s Pinsir! My mind rushed through the options, my Dad seemed to have caught all the Pokemon on Kanto, but there was always one I had always wanted to tame myself – a Charizard.

Chapter 2

But my prayers were not answered that day. There was no Charizard for me, but perhaps one day I’ll have my own. It was approaching 10 AM, and Dad had another surprise, and it wasn’t a happy one. He told us that Uncle Brian was ill, he had been a hiker for years and the cold winds and aching joints were quickly catching up to him. Brian was Dad’s best friend, his student and teacher. We loved him, and we were soon aboard the Saffron Maglev to Goldenrod. Three expensive tickets for an hours travel.
Dad was on the phone to our Auntie Kate, Brian’s wife and Max was playing with his Bulbasaur, they had quickly developed both a bond and a secret handshake of sorts. I couldn’t have any of my Pokemon out, they were all a bit too big for the train. The computer system that run’s the train knows the content of every Pokeball and will only allow the Pokeballs to open if the monster is small enough. I think it’s an anti-terrorism measure.

I was mulling over my team. I knew right away that I wanted to have my first Pokemon battle with Max as soon as we got off the train, or at the very least at Uncle Brian’s. “His Bulbasaur against my Doduo? I could win that. His Snotlax and Kingler were quite a bit tougher though, my Scyther could probably take on Kingler, and I’m sure Snorlax wouldn’t fare too well against my…” My thoughts were interrupted by the arrival announcement; we shuffled off the train into Goldenrod. Skyscrapers high, not a cloud in the sky, the sun seemed so much more golden in this city.
“Max? I want you to be my first opponent!” He didn’t look as confident as I must have. Dad had heard my issue the challenge and said he’d play referee, but only after seeing Brain. He wasn’t in the hospital; he was at home in bed with his wife by his side. We had brought him Cinnabarian Lasagne, the best lasagna in the world according to him and me. We share many things in common, like Kantonese food and scaring my brother.

We would have knocked on his door had it not been open, he was never a man for too much secrecy. Our Auntie dished up the lasagne, and told us what Brain was going through whilst his mouth was full. She told us how after a trip to Mt. Silver he had gotten ill, hasn’t left the house in three weeks. His symptoms were non-specific; headaches, back pain, fluctuating warmth. If you heard brain tell it, he would have told you he could feel his bones turning to dust. He was a hypochondriac, but at least this gave us an excuse to meet up again. He did a lot of travelling the past year from Sinnoh to Johto and we thought that he was just exhausted. We were probably right.

As he lay in bed, we began our first battle. Brain watched from his large bedroom window, Dad stood between us and our Auntie Kate was getting into a second helping of dinner. “Callum, I’m going to beat you faster than you know it!” Where had the confidence come from? “Yeah, well, Max you won’t even know the meaning of winning when I’m finished with you!”
Dad told us the rules, but we already knew and just didn’t listen. We both sent out a Pokemon each and from there we had to have complete faith in our Pokemon. Max had sent out his Kingler, and I matched that with Doduo. I thought for sure he’d send out Bulby first. Kingler’s snapping pincers and menacing scuttle couldn’t out-pace Doduo. My Doduo sprinted towards Kingler and began with a fury attack, pecking and pecking at Kingler until he could brush it off. Kingler rattled Doduo with his hammering claws, but it wasn’t quite the end for Doduo – he sprang up into the air and quickly bolted down again onto Kingler. My first knockout.

I gave off such a confident smile, I’m sure Max caught it. I knew what was coming next and quickly switched from Doduo to Scyther. Max’s Snorlax laid down flat on the ground taking a nap. “Come on Snorlax, wake up!” He wouldn’t budge nor move. Scyther attacked with his bladed arms doing no damage, Snorlax didn’t feel a thing. I was lost in my thoughts; “how the hell do I beat this lazy thing? Snorlax is a Normal type so that means… that means he’s weak to Fighting types!”
I knew what to do, and my brother knew what I was going to do. I called back my Scyther and sent out my third Pokemon. “Come on out Primeape!” Primeape was a short pig-monkey like Pokemon, with curled up fists and fur like rough sandpaper. His eyes were furrowed and concentrated on his new enemy – Snorlax. Primeape ran like a ninja and jumped on top of Smorlax’s big belly, before launching into a tirade of fists, smacks and punches. Snorlax finally stood up, weak and dreary. “Snorlax, use Body Slam!” called out my brother, but Snorlax refused to listen, he had something far more important on his mind; lasagne.

Snorlax stumbled towards our aunt, took the plate from her and gobbled it down without chewing. And with that Snorlax went back to sleep. I laughed in amazement; Snorlax cared more about food than he did about the battle! Max returned Snorlax to his Pokeball, clearly in no condition to fight, and called off the battle. One Pokemon knocked out, one Pokemon too tired, and one chasing away a wild Pidgey. It wasn’t quite the victory I envisioned, but a victory none the less. We shook hands, dad told us how good we were and Uncle Brian was jumping in the air as if he wasn’t even sick.

Primeape, Scyther and Doduo. I formed very close bonds with my team on our trip to Goldenrod, I fed them and groomed them and even let them battle some of the local wild ones. I was really on the beginning steps to my Pokemon journey, but I had to learn to walk before I could run head first to a Pokemon League Gym. I’m not ready, and may not be for a while. Max is content to just play with his Pokemon, he’s not a battler like me. Maybe he won’t join me on a journey after all.

A week after our trip to Goldenrod, I was steadily making my way to Pallet Town. To be an official Pokemon Trainer I needed to get a PokeDex, it’s like a little handheld device that communicates with Pokemon, Pokeballs and other PokeDexes. Without it I can’t register for the Gym Challenge nor use the Pokemon Storage facility.
It was a long walk from our tiny house in Cerulean to Pallet, roughly 150 miles. Max wasn’t coming along for this part of my journey, he still wants to study Pokemon caring and breeding, he sent in an application for an apprenticeship with the Pokemon Daycare Center not far from our home, maybe a twenty minute walk. I hope he gets it, because he has a real knack for caring for his Pokemon. Before I had left Bulbasaur was beginning to bloom, Snorlax had cut out a lot of fatty foods and Kingler was a touch less aggressive to neighbours.
By the time I had got to Mt.Moon, I realised how dumb I was for walking so much, my Doduo was made to transport me! I hopped on Dod-Dod and sped my through the ground floor of the cave. Mt.Moon was home to nasty, vicious Zubats, hundreds of Geodudes and Paras and the odd Clefairy, though I doubt I’ll see one. Because of the sheer scale of the mountain, on the third floor exists a hotel of sorts. Warm beds for a night, so long as I could afford and get to it.

Chapter 3 (Unfinished)


I hopped off Doduo and began the slow and difficult task of getting un-lost. The darkness, the cave looked the same from every angle and the amount of Zubats flying near me was getting to me. I was walking almost blindly until I bumped into not a wall but a person, another trainer.
“Oh sorry! I really didn’t see you there!” The trainer turned around to me as if to apologise for my clumsiness. “Are you lost?” he asked. “I think I know a way to the hotel, and from there straight out the cave. “ I was lost, and I really needed this hand. “OK, I’ll follow you” I said, perhaps against my best instincts.
As we stumbled through the darkness, we suddenly saw a dim, homely light welcoming us in from the far corner of the cave. As we approached it we saw something I may never forget. From out the corners of the darkness came a Pokemon I had never seen before!

The Pokemon attacked us silently before coming to a complete halt. “Sneasel, don’t attack!” This was a Pokemon? It was one that I had never seen before, a strange black creature with scythes and feathers adorning it. The owner came up to us and told us that he had heard footsteps and thought it was Pokemon Poachers coming to hunt Paras for it’s supposed medicinal purposes. These poachers would come often and no one had really done a thing about it. Below my feet were hundreds of desecrated Paras hollows. We had been stepping on what little remained of them.
He introduced himself to us as Grant. He was older than my dad; he hadn’t a hair on his head and a big belly. His clothing was a little dirty and a little rough, just how long had he been in here? Grant was protecting a Paras nest, just until some of the stronger Paras could evolve into Parasect and protect its species.

Grant had set up camp in an opening of the cave wall, lying beyond was his Paras training ground. Hundreds of Paras scurried across the cave floor gathering small mushrooms to build its mushroom nesting. “So, young’uns, tell me about how you two have met.” It was then I had realised that Jack hadn’t said a thing to Grant. “Well, um, I’m Jack from Pewter City, my parents own the Mt. Moon Hotel and I was exploring this cave to find a Clefairy, until Callum bumped into me. He was looking to get to the hotel, so I guided him, until we bumped into your Sneasel.” Grant didn’t seemed to have listened to much, he was preparing a mushroom soup from the tiny mushrooms that the Paras had rejected. “Do you boys want soup? It’s just about ready!” After three bowls of perhaps the saltiest and creamiest mushroom soup I had ever had, I found myself in a state of complete relaxation, and fell asleep on Grant’s bed spread.

I was dreaming. There was no smell in the air. Was I me? I made my way through a grassy field to a large tree. This tree was familiar. I had seen these leaves a hundred times in a hundred different dreams. The tree was large and vicious and held the spirit of my mother; a Cubone popped out from underneath the shade of the tree and danced a jig around it. I couldn’t hear a thing, everything was on mute. The Cubone had multiplied into three little monsters banging on the tree trunk with its mother’s bone.
The grass was sinking into the ground and turning into ash. The tree shrank, the Cubone vanished and a pocket-size Charizard had appeared. My mum was behind me but I couldn’t see her. She called my name, but I couldn’t hear her. “Mum?” I looked at my hands, I could not move them. I looked up to the sky and saw that delicious creamy soup instead of clouds. The sky began dripping, the world slowly melting on top of me and I woke.

I looked around for Grant and Jack. They were not around, and neither were any of my possessions. Jack didn’t have any soup and when I come to think of it, neither did Grant. My hands covered my eyes, I was shocked and tricked, and I’ve been robbed in my sleep. I was down two Pokeballs, only one set of clothing on my back and surrounded by far more Paras corpses then last night. Their nest was wiped clean of life. I think Grant and Jack done it, everything was falling into place. Jack guided me to his accomplice; I was forced to sleep so there was no witness to their poaching or my robbing.
I sent out my last Pokeball, I needed to know who I had to chase after. It was just Primape and I in a dark, dark cave.
 
This looks pretty interesting! One thing I'd recommend is starting a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks. The story becomes less cluttered that way.
 
This is what they call a journeyfic, I assume?

Til the writing experts like Beth Pavell come in, I'll just point out the more obvious stuff. You may want to revise your sentence structures, especially where commas are concerned. I spotted a lot of commas that either needed to be replaced by semicolons, have conjunctions after them, or just simply split into another sentence entirely. For example:
Max’s hand hovered over the identical balls, he could only guess as to what they contained, could they be Dad’s cherished Gym Pokemon, or just freshly caught ones?
You may want to start a new sentence where the first comma is, and either replace the second comma with a ; or start a new one there. There are a lot of lines out in there that could use a little revision in the same manner, so keep an eye out. If you haven't already, read it out loud to see if it flows weirdly and make changes based on that. So basically, keep and eye out for places that don't really need commas, and places that do. That's the biggest thing I could find your writing.

Otherwise, comb your paragraphs and look out for random typos and misused words. I noticed a few of those... "x and I" instead of "x and me," "it's" instead of "its"... you get what I mean. So, either seek out and fix them yourself or get a Grammar Nazi to proofread it for you.

So anyways, nothing about this fic so far has made me cringe badly. No blatant self-inserts or wish fulfillment and other such figments of a bad story. The plot isn't particularly gripping right now, but I'd wager that's just a quality of most journeyfics; slow start, moderate to fast pace later on.
 
Ok ... first of all, I am so not a writing expert. With that out of the way, the first question - how much of a plan do you have? Outlines of what the plot will be, what events will happen and where, that sort of thing.

The reason I ask this is that the narrative is somewhat muddled. The events of the plot zip by pretty quickly, some ideas appear and are dropped. Some examples - the idea of brothers going on a journey together, ok, great. I've certainly not seen that idea before and there's plenty of mileage to be had from it. But then it's apparently quickly dropped as Max decides to work on being a breeder. Similarly we have a trip to see Uncle Brian that seems to be a quick frame for the first battle and then it's back to Kanto again.

When it comes to Chapter Three I can see the most need for tidying up the narrative. The name "Jack" comes out of nowhere, for example - neither the reader nor Callum is told that's what his name is, so I found myself reading over the chapter again to see who the name belonged to. We have a lot of information told in narration rather than dialogue - not necessarily wrong, but again it does zip by and it doesn't really sink in. These things suggest two things to me - a more in-depth plan, and slowing down with the pace of the plot. There's got to be, what, maybe 3,000 words here? You could easily get away with that wordcount for the events of the first chapter.

Finally I'll echo what's been said before - new lines for new dialogue, and a good thorough proof-read to weed out those typos
 
Please note: The thread is from 11 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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