Celestica

[Celestica]

PLOT:
When Celestica defeats the evil serpent, Zenpharius, she goes into a sleep for eons.
Then Celestica wakes up and finds herself with an blue marked Umbreon named Tyrim.
In this time, there is a horrible war, and Tyrim is an orphan. Renera (Celestica)
experiences a huge earthquake, then she remembers that if a strong tremor shakes, it
means--Zenpharius is rising. To make things worse, an murderer named Siriusa plans
to kill her. Can only Celestica defeat those two killers, or can Tyrim heip her....

Prolouge
Celestica charged toward the beast, her pure white body sailed across the sky, the horrible, blood red sky. The beast, called Zenpharius, lunged at her, his teeth flashing and a serpentine tongue flung right toward Celestica. Celestica's blue markings started to glow, illuminating a small area of the Mars-like desert. She then charged. Zenpharius screamed as his red scales gushed out blood, he closed his mouth then fell headfirst onto the ground, the huge fire fins grew dull, then it burnt out. His reptillian eyes closed, never to open again. Celestica then raced to a huge pryamind, a golden door opened then Celestica went inside, and closed her eyes, falling into a deep sleep for eons. Until......

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

OK what?

No seriously, what the hell just happened? DETAILS, come on!

 

[Jayc]

What is this i dont even

 

[Celestica]

Chapter 1: Tyrim

"Are you okay?"
"Whaa.."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeahh.."
"Phew, thank Arceus!"
Celestica opened her eyes, her vision was blurry, but it cleared to a sharp image. She looked at her surroundings. Instead of red sand, there was snow, there were mountains instead of volcanoes. And it was horribly cold. Celestica then looked at her paws, it was black fur. She tried not to scream, "Ah..my name is er..." Celestica had forgotten her name, she wondered for a while then said, "Renera.", she said shivering. The Umbreon, whose name was Tyrim nodded, "Um, are you cold?" "Yeah." "Well, come over to my house. It's not far from here." Renera then got up and followed Tryim. A few minutes later, she saw a medium sized shack, it was painted blue, the same as Tryrim's blue markings. "This is my house. Not too fancy, but just right." Renera raced toward the shack, then waited for him. He then opened the door, inside was a huge, black pot, a bed, and a firepit. Renera then saw a picture of--Celestica, she was wide-eyed. "Are you hungry?", asked Tyrim. Renera then sensed a rich, creamy smell. Tyrim served a bowl of warm soup, Renera hungrily devoured it. "What is it?", she asked. Tyrim was suprised, but then he said, "It's called chowder, my aunt taught me how to make it." Renera repiled, "It tastes good." Tyrim said, "Thanks! You're very kind." Under all that black fur, she turned red.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

GOOD GOD.

Seriously, is there a pox on the Enter key these days? What's with these giant block paragraphs?

Every time the story changes speakers, MAKE A NEW PARAGRAPH. I *cannot* stress this enough!

In addition, where is the description? We know what the house looks like, and that's about it.

 

[Maybe Wednesday]

This is nuts...nothing puts me off reading a fic more than massive blocks of text, especially with lots of people talking. I can't make heads or tails of it without considerable effort.

 

[Kenji Sakasi]

PLOT:
When Celestica defeats the evil serpent, Zenpharius, she goes into a sleep for eons.
Then Celestica wakes up and finds herself with an blue marked Umbreon named Tyrim.
In this time, there is a horrible war, and Tyrim is an orphan. Renera (Celestica)
experiences a huge earthquake, then she remembers that if a strong tremor shakes, it
means--Zenpharius is rising. To make things worse, an murderer named Siriusa plans
to kill her. Can only Celestica defeat those two killers, or can Tyrim heip her....

I think that rather than Plot, you might use Blurb or call it a synopsis. Because that really isn't a complete plot.

And I agree with B.P. about the lack of use of the Enter or Return key.