TEEN: Chime

[Lifestream]

Chime is about a teenage female ninja called Misow. The arrogant, snapping Misow was sent away from her village as an apprentice with the impossible task of earning every Kanto badge and beating the entire Pokemon League using only the Chimecho she received from the village elder! Chimecho is a Pokemon with a cheerful nature. Nothing can put him down and he's always smiling! Misow and Chimecho must work together in order to return to the village as a true ninja. But the road is harder than suspected. Will Misow and Chimecho force their way down the path and pass their final task?

ChapterOne​

An elderly woman was hunched over a large tombstone. Her eyes were shut and her hands were folded behind her back as the paid her dues to the departed Pokemon. Her wrinkled face softened as she remembered the dear old Pokemon that had crossed the border into the After Life. It would only be so many more years before she joined that Pokemon in the next world.

Her eyes opened slowly, shining with sadness when she found the memory of a young girl from long ago. The girl never showed it, but she cherrished her Pokemon and would give her life for it.

The edges of her mouth twitchd, but she refused the smile. Long ago, too long, the old woman remembered every moment of the young girls life.


A young girl sat on the wooden floor of the small, one room bamboo hut, her head bowed. The village elder, dressed in dark black clothing that covered all his skin except his eyes, stood tall above her.

"Young one," he rasped. The girl didn't make any movement when the elder addressed her, but continued to stare at the ground with sharp blue eyes. "You have proven yourself as an apprentice. Your mentor can teach you no more." he continued. "You have learned to use many Pokemon with impressive skill. You have been tested and passed assesments. But none have compared to this one."

There was a silence that hung in the air. The teenage girl showed no trace of emotion, just stared down at the floor with dull eyes. She couldn't show fear or uncontrolable excitement or saddness in front of the elder, or he may decide she needs more training before the final test. Every apprentice was taught the very important lesson of keeping all emotion hidden, as the opponent can read any move because of it. The girl seemed to be best at hiding every emotion in her out of the other apprentices.

"You are still a young apprentice, but if you can past this test, you will raise from your rank as an apprentice and become a first class ninja of the village." the elder croaked at last.

The girl kept her position, her eyes sharp and narrowed, and growled, "What must I do?" The elder almost smiled amusedly at the girl's intense attitude.

"You must go to each town and city in the Kanto and collect every badge. Then you must go to the Pokemon League far from here and beat the Elite Four and Champion." he explained.

The girl was slightly surprised. She had suspected the task to much, much harder. The journey would be rough and long, anything but easy, but the task itself seemed too simple. She gritted her teeth frustration. Was this the final task as an apprentice?! Everything was too easy!

"You may not return here until the task is complete." the elder rasped, interrupting her thoughts. "I will give you this as a departure gift." He reached behind him and pulled out a wooven bamboo basket off a wooden pedastool and placed it a few inches in front of the girl.

The girl looked up at last, curiously looking into the basket. A Pokemon was curled up inside! It was thin and flexible with a big golden bell on top of its head.

"This is Chimecho. He is only a baby and is very weak." the elder said. "I expect you'll train Chimecho to its highest level. You'll have too," he added in a low voice, a mysterious gleam appearing in his eyes. The girl narrowed her eyes again, careful to keep the suspicion out of them.

"For you will use only Chimecho to complete your task."

The girl fought to keep the astonishment in her hidden from the elder. The task may so well be impossible! How was Chimecho going to beat every Gym Leader and Elite Four member AND Chamion in the Kanto?!

"Go Misow." the elder croaked, pointing out of the small room toward the setting sun through the rectangular opening. "Go and return as a true ninja that the village can be proud of!"

At that moment, Chimecho opened his eyes, two small black circles with a cheerful glow in them. He rang his bell, a soft chiming sound, a beautiful sound.

"I will complete this task, elder." Misow vowed. "And I will not return here until it is done." The elder nodded, and stood back to watch her departure.

Misow roughly picked up the basket Chimecho was curled up in and walked out of the hut.

The village was quiet. Most of the apprentices were out training with their mentors. Misow slowly walked straight down the dirt road.

She came to the village gait, a bamboo arch that connected the two ends of the bordering fence together. Misow stepped outside the village, and without glancing back, she leaped high up into the branches of trees, swinging from branch to branch, careful not to let the bokken at her waist crack against the branches.

Misow saw a fellow apprentice, Shokiji, using a Zubat to battle his mentor's Koffing. She continued to leap from tree to tree.

Chimecho ran his bell, and although the sound was incredibly relaxing, it didn't soothe Misow's intensity.

Misow took to the ground again, speeding along as she headed for the first Gym: the Pewter City Gym.

 

[Trouble]

This looks interesting. A young girl with a small Pokemon and a very daunting task. I like it.

Just one problem, really. Your use of the word "thou." "Thou," has been replaced in our language by the word "you." There's no instance, really, where it means anything different than "you." So if I were to translate the sentence you first used it in, then your main character is asking, "What must you do?" Which is, of course, a strange question to ask when awaiting instruction for what to do. I would suggest using the word "I" instead. If you're going to use archaic language, make sure to know exactly what word thou art using.

 

[Lifestream]

This looks interesting. A young girl with a small Pokemon and a very daunting task. I like it.

Just one problem, really. Your use of the word "thou." "Thou," has been replaced in our language by the word "you." There's no instance, really, where it means anything different than "you." So if I were to translate the sentence you first used it in, then your main character is asking, "What must you do?" Which is, of course, a strange question to ask when awaiting instruction for what to do. I would suggest using the word "I" instead. If you're going to use archaic language, make sure to know exactly what word thou art using.

I know exactly what you mean. Someone suggested I use it, so I did and wait to see what happened.. I just decided if anyone pointed it out I'd change it, and I did. I was pretty sure the word thou should have been thy, but my freind insisted it was thou. Oh well. Anyway, chapter two!

ChapterTwo​

The sun was just beginning to rise after a night in the forest, the golden sun scaring away the dark shadows and melting the sheet of mist that covered the clear land.

Chimecho was curled up in the bamboo basket, his head lulling and his big golden bell dinging softly as Misow raced across the rocky terrain. The jagged, sharp rocks dug into her bare feet. Misow picked her feet up almost instantly after they hit the ground. She gritted her teeth in irritation because there were no trees around, just barren land.

A Diglett exploded from the ground, sending pebbles and dust flying. Misow leaped back just before crashing over the young Diglett. Chimecho was jerked awake from the sudden movement. Wide-eyed, he glanced around the barren, rocky stretch of land. He chimed his bell and yawned when he realized it was just a Diglett causing the nuisance.

Misow examined Diglett, who was listening to the beautiful chiming of Chimecho’s bell. The Pokemon looked pretty young. It was small, and its skin still looked soft like silk.

“Chimecho,” Misow said, glancing at the happily dinging Pokemon, “Are you willing to battle Diglett?” Chimecho stared at the Diglett for moment, his bell dinging quietly and rhythmically. Then he gave a small cry of delight, hopping out of the bamboo basket for the first time. Misow stepped forward.

“Chimecho, Diglett is still very young.” she growled. “Ask him if he’s up for a practice round.” Chimecho flicked his long, flat tail in reply, twirling through the air to meet Diglett.

Misow tapped her foot on the ground impatiently as the two young Pokemon talked to one another in a language she couldn’t understand. Chimecho gave a happy ding, and he and Diglett stood across from each other, waiting for the battle to begin.

“Chimecho, tell Diglett to begin!” Misow ordered gruffly. Chimecho chimed to Diglett. Diglett didn’t reply, just burrowed underground immediately. Chimecho looked toward the earth, trying unsuccessfully to find where Diglett was going to spring. Misow thought for a moment before sending her command.

“Chimecho, focus.” she said. “Use you psychic abilities to read Diglett’s movements!” Chimecho glanced at her, looking into her expectant eyes, before she closed her small, beady eyes. He focused hard, trying to sense where Diglett was moving.

Too soon, Diglett burst from the ground and nailed Chimecho hard. He cried out, hitting the ground. Chimecho winced as he slowly floated back up. Misow growled, frustrated.

“Okay Chimecho, use your Tackle attack now.” Chimecho nodded, his eyes narrowing as he set his attention on the target. He sprang forward, hurling himself through the air. The bell on his head rammed into Diglett before he could dodge it, his eyes wide.

A painful shock ran through Chimecho’s neck and his vision began to fuzz. He began to droop to the ground, his long tail folding beneath him. Diglett sat up straight after the final effects of the tackle had worn off, though a black and blue spot had swelled on his side. His brown eyes glittered with fear that he’d hurt Chimecho.

Misow approached Chimecho and scooped him up in her arms. She looked at Diglett with her usually fierce eyes. Diglett shrank back. Misow bent down to Diglett’s height.

“Don’t worry.” she said. “It wasn’t your fault, Chimecho just needs for training. You fight well. Go home and get that bruise treated.”

Diglett’s eyes lit up at the compliment. He touched his large pink nose to Chimecho’s bell, his way of saying goodbye, and disappeared underground again.

Chimecho looked up Misow. “You simply need more training.” she told him roughly. “Get to sleep, and we’ll begin first thing tomorrow.” Chimecho chimed his bell softly, then winced as the big black spot on the top of the golden sphere rattled. “Stay still, Chimecho!” Misow snapped, placing him in the woven basket.

She walked for a while longer in silence. The sharp rocks began to smooth out, and a faraway hiss filled the air. Misow scented the clean aroma of water and picked up the pace.

Chimecho woke up as the trickling steadily became clearer. Thin, dry trees began to appear in various places now. Dry grass was growing now, gradually becoming greener as Misow advanced toward the hiss of water. Pale green leaves dotted the trees, then covered them.

The forest opened up into a valiant green clearing. A silver stream threaded through the middle, the water moving along slowly. Small Barboach were carried along by the gentle current, their blue fins quivering and thin grey bodies waving. Moss grew on the roots of large brown trees, providing a comfortable resting place.

A little bit of blood was beginning to speckle Chimecho’s shining bell. Hurriedly, Misow took a soft rag from the bamboo basket and soaked it in the water, causing the Barboach to scatter. “Here, Chimecho.” Misow murmured, wrapping the cloth around his bell. Chimecho smiled, his eyes warm with thanks. Misow narrowed her eyes and began scavenging the clearing for food.

She spotted a peach tree across the clearing. She set the basket on a large, mossy root of one of the giant trees. She took her bokken from her waist and leaned it against the tree and darted across the clearing.

The silky grass felt good on her soar feet as Misow she approached the river. It was about seven or eight feet wide, too far to jump and there were no stepping stones to cross. Taking a gulp of air, Misow dived into the water. The smooth, slippery skin of the startled Barboach brushed against her arms and feet. The icy cold water stung her blue eyes.

Pushing off the bottom, she came out of the water and landed on the silky grass on the other side. Quickly shaking dripping water out of her black clothing, Misow bounded over to the peach tree and sprang up to the lowest branch.

She leaped higher and higher up the tree to the largest of the peaches. Their skins were pink as pearls, attracting Pidgy and Pidgeotto to feast on them.

Misow picked three large peaches and one smaller one and leaped off the branch to the ground. Here legs shook from the impact of the landing, but she ignored the pain and crossed the freezing river again.

She tossed the smallest peach to Chimecho, who caught it with his tail. He nodded his thanks and began to feast on it. Misow bit into the soft flesh of the largest peach, its sweet taste filling her mouth and satisfying her hunger. The sun was now at its highest point, glaring down on the clearing. The Barboachs’ scales flashed in the sunlight, making them look like jewels in the river.

“We’ll spend the night here and train in the morning. I look forward to a flawless victory at the Pewter City Gym.”

* * *​

“Chimecho, use your tackle!” Misow shouted. Chimecho’s bell had stopped bleeding and was returning to its golden color when they’d woken up that morning. Misow was determined to get an early start, and got up before the sun rose to begin training. Chimecho had happily obliged.

Misow was a little irritated with his constantly cheerful personality. Chimecho threw himself forward again, slapping the tree with his tail instead of his bell.

“Now try a Psybeam!” she ordered. Chimecho opened his mouth wide, and a beam of psychic energy came out. The strong force of the attack threw Chimecho back into the huge trunk of a tree, the Psybeam hitting the large root of a tree, causing splinters and chunks of wood to fly around. Misow shook her head.

“Do it again, and try to hold your ground this time.” she growled sharply. Chimecho nodded, scooting to the middle of the clearing again and using Psybeam once more. He only went back a couple feet, but the attack was shot around uncontrollably. Misow grabbed her bokken from the tree and used it to block the Psybeam when it came at her.

“Chimecho!” she snapped furiously as the beam of energy skinned her face, drawing blood. “Aim this time, at that branch!”

Chimecho dipped his head apologetically to Misow before shooting another Psybeam. It blasted a couple branches of the tree.

“Again!”

Chimecho, on the edge of frustration now, shot yet another Psybeam. The branch he was aiming for was destroyed into splinters and bark, and Chimecho quickly stopped his attack from going off in a different direction.

“Much better.” Misow said, satisfied as she wiped the blood of her face with her sleeve.

Chimecho practice his Psybeam more, his aim getting better each time he did it.

“Let’s get moving.” Misow grunted, putting her bokken back on her waist. Pewter City wasn’t much further away. Misow hoped to reach the city by nightfall.

With Chimecho in his bamboo basket, Misow raced through the forest, swerving around trees and leaping over hawthorn bushes. She kept running until she saw stone grey buildings touch the sky in the distance. The sun was sinking beneath the trees now, and by the time the crescent moon was at its highest point, Misow and Chimecho had reached the soundly sleeping Pewter City.

 

[Lifestream]

ChapterThree​

Chimecho’s bell had returned to its original color by the next morning. Misow had chosen a sleeping place in the hollow of a tree on the outskirts of the city. She was determined to challenge the Gym Leader that day.

Chimecho felt a nervous pit open up in his stomach as Misow entered the big city.

Everything was grey in the city. There were stands selling ore and rare stones or rock sculptures in every corner. The cars were grey, the Pokemon were all rock types with grey colors. The people wore grey shirts, sweaters, tops, pants.

The only things that stood out were the Mart, which had its usual brilliant blue roof, and the Pokemon Centre with its bright red top. Even the Gym didn’t look any different than the other buildings.

“Heeeey!” a voice called out. Misow turned around to see a boy about her age with white cloves and a suit that looked like a magician’s running toward her.

He stopped in front of her, breathing hard. He looked up, his eyes shining.

“I haven’t seen a trainer here for a while!” he exclaimed. “I want to battle you!”

Chimecho held his breath, hoping the ninja would agree. He wanted to battle a few times before he challenged a skilled Gym Leader!

There was a moment of silence, the boy looking at Misow expectantly and Misow’s intense gaze fixed on him.

“I accept.” she said at last. Chimecho sighed in relief. The Gym battle could wait!

“Alright!” the boy cried. “My name’s Jordan. What’s yours?” Misow glared at him with annoyance. “Misow,” she hissed. “Now shut up and get on with it!”

The people of the city had gathered around to watch the battle.

“Okay, I’ll start this match!” Jordan said. “And I choose Raticate!” Jordan threw a pokeball into the air, and in a flash of red light the light brown Pokemon appeared, its eyes narrowed and intense.

“Go.” Misow growled to Chimecho with her eyes fixed on the muscular Raticate. Chimecho dinged his bell and rose from his basket, taking his place in the battle field. Raticate and Jordan bowed humbly before the battle started, and Chimecho nodded curtly while Misow looked away crossly.

“Raticate, use Fury Swipes!” Jordan called. Raticate lunged at Chimecho, whose eyes went wide.

“Chimecho, get out of the way!” Misow shouted. Chimecho nodded and bolted out Raticate’s path. “Now use Psybeam!”

Taking a deep breath, he released a beam of psychic energy from his gaping mouth. The Psybeam nailed Raticate, bursting when it hit. Raticate was hurled across the road, landing hard on the asphalt. The she-Raticate got up slowly, her eyes blazing.

“Now tackle it, Chimecho.” Misow growled gruffly. When Raticate had risen to her feet, Chimecho used his tail to whack her down again. Raticate shook violently as she tried to rise again, but collapsed.

“Good job, Chimecho.” Misow said. Chimecho’s bell chimed as he cried out happily.

“Well done, Raticate.” Jordan praised, returning Raticate to her pokeball. “Why don’t you join me for lunch?” Jordan suggested. “Chimecho must be hungry by now.”

Misow glanced at Chimecho, who nodded enthusiastically. “Sure.” she sighed, shooting Chimecho an annoyed look. Chimecho laughed, and Misow clenched her fists when Jordan wasn’t looking.

Jordan decided on a restaurant down the street and led Misow and Chimecho there. Misow gazed around uncomfortably at all the people in the restaurant. Chimecho chimed his bell, causing teenage girls to admire his cuteness. A man in an apron seated them at a table in the corner.

“You fought well today.” Jordan said. “Your Chimecho seems a little young though, don’t you think?” Misow gritted her teeth.

“Chimecho has to start young, or he won’t learn as good.” she growled.

“Wouldn’t it be better to battle with a strong Pokemon until Chimecho is big enough to battle without hurting himself?” Jordan said.

“It would have been that way for me, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Misow replied. Jordan tilted his head.

“Why?” he asked.

Misow felt a powerful urge to whack him with her bokken. “It’s my final task. I have to use Chimecho and only Chimecho.”

“Task?” he murmured. “What task?”

“Forget it, just forget I ever said anything!” Misow snapped. Jordan shook his head, annoyed.

The waiter came up and took their orders and left again.

“So where’d you get Chimecho anyway?” Jordan wondered. “They’re rather rare in the Kanto Region.” Chimecho dinged his bell at the sound of his name.

“My village elder gave him to me before I departed.”

Jordan nodded. “I got Raticate not very long ago, maybe a week, so he doesn’t have any battle experience. He ended up being a good match for Chimecho.” he remarked.

In the corner of Misow’s eye, she saw a gleam on a small, sharp, steel blade, coming closer and closer to her. Without warning, she took her bokken from her waist and cracked the person with the knife upside the head with it. He fell to the ground, unmoving. Jordan had a look of horror on his face.

“Misow! You killed our waiter!” he gasped.

“What was I supposed to do?” Misow snapped. “He came at me with a knife!”

“You ordered a steak!”

Jordan and Misow left the restaurant as quickly as possible before anyone had seen who killed their waiter.

Jordan’s eyes blazed with horror and rage. “What were you thinking, stupid?” he shouted when they arrived at an empty alleyway. “What if the police finds out?”

“If the police finds out,” she grumbled, “I’ll just have to put them out of their misery.”

Misow felt fear pulsing from Jordan now. “R-right,” he stammered. “I have t-to g-g-go now. Bye!” Jordan was pretty quick to leave. I guess he’s scared of empty alleyways, she thought.

The moon was in the sky by now and the sky was at its darkest point. Misow and Chimecho slept in an abandoned Dodrio nest on the roof of the museum that night, looking forward to waking up the next morning to battle the Pewter City Gym.

 

[Kyuuketsuki]

That certainly is an interesting premise for a story.

There were a few grammar and spelling mistakes, and a few awkwardly-worded sentences, but these can be dealt by some extra reading before you post the chapter, and be very critical about it. This also applies to some inconsistencies, as Raticate went from being Female to a Male.

I found a few more flaws in your story, and one of them is characterisation. As it stands right now, Misow has as much personality as the silent player character. Take some to detail her thoughts and emotions, her relationships and how she views the world, her history and motivation. Make the story less plot-driven, and more character-centered; this applies not just to Misow.

You also lack description, which is what sets the mood of the chapter. Just describing the surrounding areas is not as good as describing the character(s)'s feeling and emotions, as these are what sets the feeling of the chapter. A sad character in an amusement park where everyone is happy and having fun can turn the situation into a sad situation, as we are supposed to see the world through the character's eyes, to get a better understanding of the character.

But as I said before, this is an interesting premise for a story, and the twist as the end of Chapter Three was quite good, though it could have been done better. The death of the waiter could have been more striking if you gave him some dialogue, as opposed to being a silent extra who had no significance whatsoever.

Regardless, Keep writing.