Corrupted Universe

[Shiny Staraptor]

EDIT: request if you want to see yourself as a character in the fic! if nobody takes the slot, it's chosen at random.

open slots: 1

note: I've decided to start an archive so you can locate chapters easily.

Spoiler

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12

This is my first fanfic, but the credit for the idea of corrupt pokémon goes to ombrare.


Prolouge:

It is a horrible time for the pokéverse.

The creatures that have helped humans for centuries have suddenly changed. Changed into something evil.

It is unknown why, but the pokémon have recently begun attacking the trainers who they know and love.

These pokémon are known as corrupted pokémon.
They are absolutley ruthless, and neither think any thoughts nor
feel any emotions, other than the will to kill.

The corruption started a month ago during a gym battle.A Trainer's gyarados suddenly started rampaging, although this isn't uncommon, it started to attempt to destroy its own trainer.

it was quickly returned to the pokéball, but managed to shatter the pokéball from the inside. the gyarados, which by then was obviously converted to energy, dissapeared.



I think i'll put chapter 1 up tommorow.

 

[The Miniryu]

wow. lock up your pokemon folks! there gettin nasty! poor gyrados. oh hey glameow WAIT WAT R U DOING! AHH! EVERYONE SAVE YOURSELF!!!

 

[Darth Adficio]

ace is right now i have to watch my... HOLY C**P!!! Stay back Infernape ... not you to crobat. AGGH!!! HELP ME!!!:angel:

 

[MasqueradeOfSilence]

They are absolutley ruthless,

Absolutely

Nice story. Pokemon attacking their own trainers, good concept.

 

[Shiny Staraptor]

Absolutely

Nice story. Pokemon attacking their own trainers, good concept.

Thanks alot! I kinda thought people would think plot was a bit light but I guess not!:ksmile:

 

[Zekurom]

Nice story. Pokemon attacking their own trainers, good concept.

Ehh, nothing the manga hasn't done. :-D

 

[BattleStar]

Preety interesting but AAAAH mime jr noack not koffing to eel help

 

[alster08]

Nice story and great idea. Culd you check out When Evil Meets Evil Hoenn Horrors because it might give you more ideas. Sorry im kind of deprate for people and reveiws.

 

[MasqueradeOfSilence]

Thanks alot! I kinda thought people would think plot was a bit light but I guess not!:ksmile:

I like it!

Ehh, nothing the manga hasn't done.

Hehe, I still like it! Never read the manga, so I'm ignorant...:sweatlol:

 

[The Miniryu]

Wow i sorta started a pokemon attack fad! Anyways gotta go sew my arm back on! oh hey dragonite whats with the... OH MY GOD! DRACO METOR!!! AHHH!!!

 

[Shiny Staraptor]

Chapter 1:
to avoid confusion, I am telling you now that the fic is user-based. so don't be surprised if someone like ombrare or ace black pops up in it.


On the day after the gyarados attack, a pokémon trainer was just starting his journey from twinleaf town.

That trainer's name was cmd84.

After cmd84 got out of his bed and filled his bag with potions, he set out for his friend ghaskan's house. just as he was about to knock on the door, ghaskan rushed out.

Cmd84: Oh, hi ghaskan!Come on, let's get our starter pokémon!
Ghaskan: Alright...

After reaching the exit of the town, ghaskan said "oh, wait a minute! I forgot some stuff." cmd84 waited patiently as ghaskan ran back to her house and got her stuff. Then they exited the town.

it's a strangely quiet day, cmd84 thought.

There were no starly singing in the trees.

Before long, they met up with prof. rowan.

Rowan: oh, cmd84 and ghaskan! there you are!

Cmd84 and ghaskan together: Hi!

Rowan: now, I know you came for your starters...

Cmd84 and ghaskan:yup.

but i need to tell you this. yesterday, a gyarados attacked its own trainer.

*gulp*

It is known as a corrupted gyarados, and since yesterday, the virus has been spreading very quickly. it is usually spread when the corrupted pokémon is touched. stay away if you can.

So we shouldn't use tackle or strength in battle...

NO! that isn't what I meant! Don't battle them AT ALL!!

After a few minutes of rowan lecturing the two, they pick their starters.

Cmd84: I pick turtwig!
Ghaskan: then I guess i'll have chimchar.

after they get their starters they thank rowan and leave.

Cmd84: you know ghaskan, I think we should stick together, It'll be safer.

Ghaskan: I'm not totally against that, but still...

After a few minutes of arguing, they agree to stick together.

Them cmd84 remembered the quietness of the day.

hmm... thought cmd84.

Then...

Ghaskan: I heard a noise!

Cmd84:where?!


Stick around for chapter 2 everyone!

 

[raychuu]

Aww, I'm the char of a fic ^^
I like the idea, it's simple but nice. Still, you have got quite a few things to improve here. First and foremost, writting a script isn't the best for your first works. You should keep the traditional "Blablabla", X said format. Second, you should add some description. How do cmd84 and ghaskan look? How did the lab look like? And so forth. Third, you should try to use uppercase; if you write in Microsoft Word, that should be easily corrected.

I advise you to join the New fanfiction writters group. There are plenty of tips to help you improve!

Waiting to see the improvements on next chapter

 

[Shiny Staraptor]

Aww, I'm the char of a fic ^^
I like the idea, it's simple but nice. Still, you have got quite a few things to improve here. First and foremost, writting a script isn't the best for your first works. You should keep the traditional "Blablabla", X said format. Second, you should add some description. How do cmd84 and ghaskan look? How did the lab look like? And so forth. Third, you should try to use uppercase; if you write in Microsoft Word, that should be easily corrected.

I advise you to join the New fanfiction writters group. There are plenty of tips to help you improve!

Waiting to see the improvements on next chapter

Thanks for that constructive critism, I kinda realized that it needed discription but I just left it. and when should I use uppercase? I made you a character for all the help yesterday and well, everyday! ^^

 

[Oblivion]

At the beginning of sentences, the beginning of proper nouns, and make sure to use proper spelling, punctuation, grammar, and all of that other stuff your teacher taught you in third grade.

 

[Pawsrent]

Nice story. Interesting concept. Loving it.

 

[Shiny Staraptor]

At the beginning of sentences, the beginning of proper nouns, and make sure to use proper spelling, punctuation, grammar, and all of that other stuff your teacher taught you in third grade.

Well since I live in Ireland I never went to third grade but I get your point.:ksmile:

 

[The Miniryu]

wait so i could pop-up in it? awesome!Make it future me with a dragonite!

 

[Shiny Staraptor]

NOTE: please realize that the personality or ability of the characters are not supposed to have any similarity to the users they are named after.

Chapter 2

When cmd84 heard ghaskan say "I heard a noise!",he called his turtwig (aptly named twiggy) out of the leaf-pattern poké ball. Soon a pokémon appeared. Yay, my first battle! cmd84 thought. But his first battle was a long one.

BIDOOF!! BIIII!

As soon as the Bidoof came out, it was pretty clear that the Bidoof wasn't a normal one.

"Look!
It's eyes are glowing red!" exclaimed ghaskan.
"You know what that means, right?" replied cmd84.

The horrid, ruthless, corrupted bidoof stared at them with its evil, red eyes.

"The most useless and annoying pokémon gone wrong?" blurted out cmd84.

How are we going to battle it if we can't even TOUCH IT? cried ghaskan.

Twiggy, use Razor Leaf!

the vicious attack hit the shocked bidoof.

"Hey, that was a critical hit!" shouted cmd84 in excitment.

The bidoof was still standing, though.

"It's using tackle!" it'll touch our pokémon!" cried cmd84.

Chimchar, use Ember! roared ghaskan.

The last final blow fainted the Bidoof. cmd84 and ghaskan watched in awed silence as the Bidoof went back to normal.
A few seconds later, it got its act together and ran away.
"Hey, it's not corrupted any more!" said ghaskan.
"Well, I guess that's ONE way to stop the virus." replied cmd84.

The two headed to Jubilife city, "because there's nothing to do in Sandgem town," ghaskan explained.

Stay tuned and don't forget, contructive critisism is welcome!

 

[Zekurom]

I think your story is jumping around too quickly.

 

[Thundagere]

I agree that it's way too rushed. Slow down a bit and add more detail! Talk about the menace the Bidoof displayed (that sentence sounded wrong), the fear they felt, and the atmosphere of the scene. You could describe the scene where the Razor Leaf struck like:
As Twiggy launched a plethora of razor-sharp leaves, it was all Bidoof could do but stare wide-eyed at the incoming wave. The leaves thudded into him, and his cry of pain showed that the blow had substantially weakened it.

Ok, it's not great, but you see how there's more description in there? Instead of just saying "That was a critical hit!" you show how the Bidoof was weakened greatly, and thus, let the reader make their own assumptions (kind of like the whole Pokemon Master thing).

I do like the idea! It shows quite a bit of originality, with the mission (I'm presuming) to stop the corruption. My advice would be to add a bit more detail and fix your grammar in the last few chapters. I'm sure this story will do quite well!