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Cubone's Adventure (The Legend of the PokéPacks)

*ahem* You're...really supposed to post each chapter in a separate post. The rules. THE RULES.
 
But that would be a pain... the story's pretty long (especially Cubone's Adventure 4, which is like 20 pages in word)
 
But if you post once for every chapter, you bump the topic once everytime. That helps you right?
 
I just wanna know if the story's good... I'll get to posting it by chapter... By the way, can I merge into like... 3 chapters a post...
 
Yes... just tell everyone that's it's one chapter, never 3 chapters.

And no, you need to format first before it gets good.

"speech" [possible speech tag like said, asked, ect] "more speech (by the same speaker) if needed" [maybe another speech or action tag like he smashed the teacup to the tile floor].

[Description] Note: It's sparated from the speech. And never put the speech of two different characters on the same line (paragraph), only one character.

"More speech" or [another paragraph of description]

Yeah that description, you need to use concrete details that cannot be anything else than what it is. Like Iron Man, the movie instead of something complex like the great movie. You may understand the setting and everything with it, but I don't, I'm a reader not your co-writer. They're all readers here. So you need to tell things about your setting to us so we can picture it, instead of hearing simple voices of characters we don't see.

Oh, and chapters do need to be longer. People go to like 1,000 words a chapter most of the time I've seen, even 5,000.
 
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The setting and characters are explained in the next 4 stories. Keep reading! By the way, I'm splitting it up now.

Chapter 1- Cubone
Cubone’s luck ran out the day a Pokéball struck him in the head. He waited in a Pokémon PC Box for 5 years, until he was finally taken out. He finally wants to use me, Cubone thought. But he wasn’t let out of the Ball. He was laid in a bush. Technically, he was being released. This is where he spent another lonely 6 months. Until one day…
“Should I press the button on this Ball and let that Pokémon out, Croxico?” Cubone heard.
“Sure, Blackeye” another voice replied. Blackeye let Cubone out.
Cubone looked around. This world had changed in the 5 years and 6 months he was gone. Cubone ignored that and looked at an Oddish with a black eye and a Croagunk with an overcoat. The Oddish must be Blackeye. “Err… hi. I’m Cubone. A Trainer’s Pokémon!”
“No, you aren’t,” Croxico replied. “We found you abandoned in that bush. And what’s wrong with you? You look like you haven’t been outside for 5 and a half years!”
“Because I HAVEN’T been outside for 5 and a half years!” Cubone angrily spat. “I was in the PC for so long!”
“Let’s show him our den,” Blackeye muttered.
 
The premise of an abandoned Pokemon is pretty interesting but to be honest, your chapter is so short that it's nigh impossible to feel for the character. Why was Cubone not used? Why did the trainer suddenly decide to leave it in a bush? In what way has the world changed? It's your job as an author to provide us with these background details, especially if they have any future role in the plot. And if they don't, why have you included these barebones to begin with?

I also found the transition between the final two lines to be extremely jarring. There's no flow there.
 
I think he's confused. He just cut out all the story on the first post of the topic. Don't worry, he's new he'll find out sooner or later.

Same here Matkin.
 
Think of it this way: Does anyone other than me use a Cubone? And the way the wrold changed isn't really important.
 
CuboneKing said:
Think of it this way: Does anyone other than me use a Cubone? And the way the wrold changed isn't really important.
Click to expand...

If it's you who released the Cubone, then you need to explain why. And it is important how the world changed. If it didn't change or isn't important, why mention it in the first place? It's the details that your story needs. That is what allows your reader to put themselves in that situation, in that world. It is an integral part of any narrative. If you don't have them, or choose not to include them, then there is no story here.
 
I wouldn't make it quite so specific. You look like you haven't been out in five years works. Six works. Four works. One works, ten works, but it's unbelievable to have the other character randomly select the right length of time, 'specially when it is a combination of years and months.
 
Chapter 2- Cubone’s New Pad
Cubone followed Blackeye and Croxico to the heart of the forest. The two wild Pokémon led him to a pile of reused garbage, cardboard boxes, torn tents, dirty cloths, old jackets, sticks, rocks, logs, wires, tires, shattered glass, dirt lumps, mud, wood, garbage cans, fallen leaves, and stuff Cubone wasn’t even familiar with. “Welcome,” Croxico said. “Make yourself at home. It looks much better from the inside. We have electricity, even.”
Cubone was led inside. Inside there were old beds, springy couches, poor-reception TVs, tents (“For your room,” Blackeye had said), posters, a tent with a toilet inside, and a hammock. Cubone was escorted into an empty tent with a springy bed. “Make yourself at home,” Croxico had told him, but how?

Cubone dived into his Pokéball. He fished out a stuffed Sneasel, a Pikachu bust, a new-looking bed and mattress, his Pichu Pillow, a poster of the Pokémon celeb, Bonee the Cubone, his idol, his DSi, a jukebox, a Cubone Rap CD, and… found his friend, Squirt, a Squirtle, who was hiding in the whole time!
“Squirt?” Cubone gasped. “You were in there for 5 and a half years, like me?
“I couldn’t have bared to see you leave. So… I hitched a ride?” Squirt replied.
Cubone reported to Croxico and Blackeye about Squirt, and went to sleep.
 
Chapter 3- Cubone’s Ceremony
Blackeye got the trumpet and the bongo drums. Croxico got the flashlights to use as spotlights on Cubone and Squirt. The lights were turned off. It’s Cubone and Squirt’s ceremony, Blackeye thought, Just like what was done on me and Croxico. Blackeye blew into the trumpet. Cubone and Squirt emerged from their tent-room, looking very sleepy. “Do we have to get up this early every day?!” One said, probably Cubone.
Croxico shined the lights on the two Trainer’s Pokémon, so they would stand out in the pitch-black darkness. Then Croxico shined on more light on… The Leader of the Forest. Leader began. “I, Nellie the Azumarill, Leader of the Forest, call The Original One, and the beings of time, space, distortions, willpower, knowledge, emotion, and DNA to observe these neglected Trainer’s Pokémon. They are in need of a home, and they know moves like Double-Edge and Hydro Pump. Cubone, do you call to defend the forest, despite the risks? Do you promise to be loyal to your leader?”
“I do and I do,” Cubone replied. Blackeye noticed he was a little shaky, as if things were going too fast.
“Does the Original One approve? Croxico, look into the stars!” Croxico opened up part of the roof, like Nellie had done to Blackeye a long time ago. There was what looked like a meteor shower. It was yellow. Cubone was approved!
“His Judgment is positive.” Nellie answered. “Congratulations, Cubone!”
“Squirt,” Nellie went on. “Do you call to defend the forest, despite the risks? Do you promise to be loyal to your leader?”
Squirt replied, “I do and I do,” Squirt did it without hesitation.
“Does the Original One approve? Blackeye, look into the stars!” Blackeye looked into the sky. There was a yellow shower, but then a cloud covered it. Uh-oh! Squirt wasn’t approved!
 
Please note: The thread is from 16 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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