Daughter of mountains

[Doctor Floptopus]

This is just an experimental work, so bear with me. I will post a chapter at a time, as I write it.
This is a story about a school for hopeful rangers and, specifically, a young girl who attends. Feel free to comment with criticism and improvements.

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

Prologue: Gardevoir's lament

He ran through the forest, cradling the unconscious girl in his arms. Beside him, a blue gardevoir floated gracefully, eyes closed as she scanned the area with her psychic powers.
"See anything?"
Evan was breathing heavily. He was not suited to running. Gardevoir shook her head in reply.

Taking this as reassurance, he collapsed against a tree, brushing his shaggy, sweat-laden brown hair out of his clear, blue eyes. He laid Faye on the grass beside him. With her silver-blonde hair and sparkling, sea-green eyes, she looked more like her mother every day. She was his world, and he could not bear to lose her.

Suddenly, a loud crash splintered the night. They were close! He motioned to the six-year-old.
"Take her," he ordered, "and run. It's you they want, but I may be able to stall them long enough for you to get away." Nodding her assent, gardevoir bundled up the child and fled.

Back at his tree, Evan stood up. The poachers were in sight. As they neared, the leader caught sight of the big man and sneered.

"Manectric, use thunder and get this nuisance out of our way," he spat. The manectric raised its head and howled. A flash of light split the sky, and formed into a single arm that raced towards the ground and struck Evan full in the chest. The explosion threw him across the forest, leaving his body smouldering in the grass.

Not far away, gardevoir let out a keening cry, a lament to her dead master and friend. An absol and a lucario stood either side of her. Along with the young orphan, Faye, they vanished into the night.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Ok let's get you started here. First of all, your prose is quite good. Flows well, good balance between description and action. A nice snappy scene - normally I'd be sceptical about the length, but actually in this case I do think it's appropriate.

You need a bit more work in the formatting here. At least a break between the title and the main body of text, for one. I'm not sure why you have forward slashes before each new line - is this from how you've typed it? Either way, if you can get rid of them, do so, and it wouldn't hurt to have full line breaks to mark each new paragraph. Otherwise, not bad.

My only real reservation at the moment is your choice of pokémon. There's nothing wrong with a shiny gardevoir, an absol and a lucario per se, but ... I don't know, it's a bit of a cliche. I'm willing to admit that personally I'm fed-up of lucario in general BUT that is my taste and shouldn't be taken as anything more than that

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

So, in order not to confuse:
// indicates the start of a new paragraph. I can't work out how to indent, and a series of spaces won't work. I tried skipping a line, it seems to work. I've always been taught that's taboo in writing.
As for the Pokemon... They probably are cliched, but they don't really feature much in the story.

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

Chapter 1: coronet academy

Gardevoir didn't want me to leave. Although I knew she was pleased with what I've chosen to do with my life, it didn't make it any easier for her to see me go after all those years.

Gardevoir was my father's first Pokemon. They went on a journey together, and won the sinnoh league. I still carry the ribbon they won together around my neck.

My name is Faye Sophia Rivers. I was 12 years old, and that day was my first day at the Coronet Academy for young rangers.

My 'family' walked me to the gates. Ever since my father's death when I was four, it's just been us - Dad's Pokemon and me. He had six Pokemon; Gardevoir, Absol, Lucario, Escavalier, Doublade and Cofagrigus. They brought me up, and they are my only family.

I waved goodbye to them and walked into the school. It was only small for a school building, built to house the 300 students and 30 teachers who were the school.

The accommodation was about the size of two blocks of flats, the school itself a small building with 20 classrooms. The whole thing backed onto a large forest, and in front of the school was a large garden, brimming with all kinds of wild Pokemon. For a nature lover like me, this was heaven.

As I walked down the long path leading to the accommodation area, a few off - duty rangers grinned at me from the gardens. I was early, so very few other pupils had arrived yet for the term. Those that dotted the path gave me strange looks as I exchanged friendly gestures with many of the adults.

One, a friendly young man in his mid - twenties, caught sight of me and wheeled over to welcome me. This was Ben, a ranger I'd known for years, who had been wheelchair bound ever since he had fallen off his staraptor when a sudden storm had hit them.

"So you decided to join us, then?" He grinned. I nodded. I had been brought up on mount coronet and so was well known to all the area rangers. "Welcome to coronet academy," he said, swooping in to as grand a bow as is possible when one is seated, "may I take your bags?"

Laughing, I dumped my luggage in his lap. "Yes please. Dorm 7."
"Dorm 7, eh? That's a mixed type dorm." Ben handed me back my bag and started to head over to accommodation.

There are two entry tests one must take to get into the academy. A written test, all about Pokemon theory, and a physical test. The scores are calculated and the best 60 overall make it in. The scores in each test are then compared in order to sort students into three types - fighting types, who did best in the physical test, psychic types, who excelled in theory, and dark types, who were balanced overall.

Some people look down on dark types, as it is a common belief that dark types are those who weren't good enough to get into either category. However, it is common knowledge among rangers that most of the best rangers were dark types.

With Ben trundling along cheerfully beside me, I entered the building that was to be my home for the next five years.

 

[Capricious Equilibrium]

Very good, short but sweet. I like how the description is present but weaves into the narrative quite well, and the action is pretty good. The potential is undeniable!

 

[GoneGuy]

Great potential in this story! The chapters are short and sweet (so far,) which I actually like. The last chapter left me wanting more: more about your characters, more about the Pokémon, and more about the academy.

You've introduced your narrator but haven't overloaded the reader with information. It flows really well because Faye is retelling just the right amount, leaving me questioning her life growing up in the care of Pokémon but not hammering on the fact that she's different.

Well done,
Le meas,
Airt

 

[Persephone]

Hi. I didn't comment on the first chapter because the formatting turned me away, so good job on fixing that.

I must also second Pavell's comments on originality. A lot of people have used Absol, Gardevoir, and Lucario in fan fics. A lot. That doesn't make it bad, but it does mean that you have a lot of competition in writing them and won't precisely be retaining readers looking for originality. However at this point it does not appear as if they will be relevant to the story (you imply they are leaving for the time being) so that really isn't as much of an issue anymore. On the converse, if your choices of Pokemon aren't relevant after the first chapter, it would be even easier to just pick six hipster mons and gain interest in the story without actually changing anything. That's more why Pavell mentioned the originality issue.

And oh boy academy fic. These usually aren't my cup of tea, but we'll see. Not starting with the title "FIRSTNAME LASTNAME: RANGER ACADEMY" is a good sign. Having a ranger academy in Sinnoh is also relatively new-ish. There's not a lot to comment on here, but I will note that if (when) Faye gets put into Dark you will be competing with a lot of other works where "oh my gosh some people are strong and some are smart but I'm both and special snowflakey and why am I being discriminated against???" It's actually overused to the point of cliche in academy works and YA in general. Having Darks discriminated against for being too OP will really just push your character closer to Sue territory in reader's minds, so it's probably best to either tone down the prejudice before it gets introduced, provide a legitimate reason for it, or take the option no one takes and put your hero into one of the other groups.

Not that you have a problem with this quite yet. I'm just giving you advice as to how you can avoid that pitfall.

Anyway. Not much else I can say until there's more content. I'm off.

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

Chapter two: Dorm 7

The dorm was cosy - a small room with a three - tiered bunk bed against one wall, a set of wardrobes facing it and a door on the far wall leading to an ensuite bathroom. Next to the door, a case for an instrument was propped up.

On the bottom bunk sat a stern looking girl reading a book. She had brown hair in a tight, low ponytail, and square, blue glasses framing a pair of curious brown eyes. On her head she war a pair of high quality headphones that connected to a small device on her lap. Hearing the door close, she tapped the screen, took her headphones and looked up.

"Hello," she greeted, with a faint smile. "I'm Mira."
"Hi," I replied, brushing a stray lock of silver - blonde hair behind one pointed, almost elflike, ear. "I'm Faye. Nice to meet you!"

The girl pushed her glasses further up her nose, produced a bookmark from her pocket and placed the book down on the bed. "Top bunk," She motioned, "Do you wish for some assistance?"
"Thanks, but I'll manage." I dumped my bag into the far wardrobe and scrambled up the ladder. On the pillow was a small package with 'Faye Rivers' written on the top in a cursive font.

Mira's head appeared at the top of the ladder. "May I enquire as to your type?" She asked, pulling herself onto the bed beside me. I noticed that she wore a purple amethyst-studded watch on her wrist, as well as a delicate amethyst pendant. A psychic type, then. "Is that yours?" I asked, motioning to the case. "It is," she agreed. "I play the flute. That is what is inside the case."

Excitedly, I tore open the package. Inside was a small, white box. This also had 'Faye rivers' printed on the top. Inside was a pendant, earrings and watch, all containing amethyst stones. The necklace and studs were both a deep purple, whereas the watch was silver, with a plate of a paler lilac stone. So, I was a psychic type too.

As I was fixing the pendant around my neck, the door burst open and a third girl entered. Her short, choppy blue hair was at odds with the formal blouse and trousers she wore. "Heya!" She chirped, grinning enthusiastically. "I'm Regalia!" Her name startled me. I knew it was judgemental, but I hadn't expected her name to be so... Posh. She dropped her bag onto the floor and vaulted onto the second bunk.
"Wonder what type I am?"
"Hi," I replied, leaning over the edge of the bed to look at her. "I'm Faye, and this is Mira."
"Hello, Regalia." Mira added.

"Heya," Regalia replied, pulling a set to tigers eye jewellery out of her box. "Call me Reggie," she added. Oddly, she was a fighting type. But then again, Ben had mentioned that it was a mixed dorm. Mira and I climbed down the ladder and onto the ground. Walking over to the wardrobes, we proceeded to unpack.

Reggie started pulling posters out of her bag and sticking them to her walls. There were mostly posters of trainers; Cynthia, Lance and Stephen stood together in one poster, their Pokemon beside them, whilst Diantha and the Kalos elite four smiled out from another. However, there were a few exceptions. Two of the posters showed the pokeathelon and big stadium respectively, whilst another showed a stunning shot of lumiose city at night.

In my wardrobe was already hanging two sets of uniform - a summer uniform and a winter uniform. The summer uniform consisted of a red tunic, brown leggings and a green belt and boots. The winter uniform was a brown fur coat, thick brown trousers and a pair of brown snow boots. There was also a dark brown, thermal undershirt for cold days.

On top of the built-in drawers was the item I had so looked forward to wearing - a capture styler, complete with voice nav and the updated browser. This was what made a ranger.

Out of my bag I produced a few personal items - some spare clothes for weekends, a few books and a photo of my dad and my two year old self at some ruins on the mountain. My dad had been a historian and archeologist, specialising in old sinnoh ruins. He had been dedicated to his work, and had moved to a small hut in the mountains in order to be nearer to his job.

As I pulled out my last item, a battered old pokedex, I noticed that Reggie had finished pinning up her posters and was looking at me curiously. "What is it?" I asked her.
"Nothing, it's just... Psychic is the brainbox type, isn't it? You look a bit too... Well built to be a nerd, that's all."

That was true. Although I was petite, I was fond of climbing and had strong arms. Despite this, I was a terrible runner and had no stamina. By the end of the physical assessment, I had been sweating like a pig. Grinning, I explained this. "But yes," I added, "you're right about the brainbox bit. I love reading, and so I know quite I bit about Pokemon. I'll read anything, and I've practically memorised dad's old pokedex." I waved it at her.

"Cool!" She grinned at me. "I don't have the attention span for reading."
"You should read more often, then." Mira cut in, looking over the bridge of her nose at Reggie. "The most effective method of improvement is practice."
"Um... Thanks?" Reggie was slightly perturbed by Mira's word choice.

Raising her eyebrows at me, she slumped back in her bed and started playing on a handheld console. I smiled to myself. My roommates were like chalk and cheese. I couldn't imagine two more different people. However, both of them were friendly in their own ways, and my nervousness was easing.

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

Thanks for your comments, you're too kind!
I get that the Pokemon are cliched, but I adore gardevoir, and I loved lucario before I met with the fandom and realised how hyped it was. I felt I had to include them in my first story. As for absol, I wanted a dark type to complete the trio, and absol seemed like the most appropriate, as a mountain hermit Pokemon. Evan rivers was an archeologist, as mentioned in my newest chapter, so the other three I just thought as relic Pokemon - a suit of armour, a sword and a sarcophagus. Most Pokemon will be commoner.
Sorry about the length of the chapters, they seemed longer when I wrote them.

 

[Persephone]

You use "Elite for" as opposed to "Elite Four" at one point.

And chapter length isn't necessarily a problem if executed correctly. I know some writers who separate every scene into chapters. I personally imagine every chapter as a fourty to fifty minute television episode, so mine are longer. I know people who design chapters to be feature film length. The extremes can be a little dicey for giving too little information and creating chunks few people will bother to read. I think you fall close to, but not beyond, the lower extreme so you're still good.

Thank god for nerd protagonist who actually has nerd physical problems, sort of. Interest points gained.

As long as you have a reason to use the Pokemon it's okay. I plan on using two of the three I and Pavell were wary of in my story and both in somewhat cliche methods. If you make it work it's justifiable, especially if there's a reason for it. It just won't gain originality points in most cases.

 

[AetherX]

Normally I'm turned away by short chapters, but I'm glad I read this anyway. Usually really short chapters means that the author is being lazy and either forgoing any and all description or not developing the plot properly. Although you're on the brink of the latter category, this is actually quite well written. Like Rediamond was saying, some people like to put each scene in its own chapter, which is close to what you're doing. I'd argue that it might be nice to put a bit more substance into each of the chapters, but ultimately it's up to you (I'm a big fan of writing looooong chapters so I might be biased).

I'm a big fan of first person, so it's nice to see another fic that uses it. The story seems somewhat interesting if a bit stereotypical so far. It's early on, though, so I can't harp too much about that. Right now you should focus on establishing your characters and setting, then set the premise for the overarching plot. As for characters, I'm told that the "raised by Pokemon" backstory is cliche, but I've honestly never read it before so I don't mind. Not to mention, these are domesticated Pokemon and not wild ones so I guess that subverts the trope.

Alright, you ready for the specific spelling/grammar/punctuation nitpicks?

Not far away, gardevoir let out a keening cry, a lament to her dead master and friend. An absol and a lucario stood either side of her. Along with the young orphan, Faye, they vanished into the night.

First off: possibly a typo? I'm aware that there are a couple schools of thought on capitalizing Pokemon names/species and it looks like you're going with the "only capitalize names" method, but I just want to make sure because the ambiguity of what exactly is the "correct" way makes typos confusing (in case it's not obvious, I'm talking about the "gardevoir" in this quote).

"May I enquire as to your type?" She asked, pulling herself onto the bed beside me.

That's "inquire"

"Top bunk," She motioned, "Do you wish for some assistance?"

Brief lesson on dialogue tags incoming. Only capitalize if it's the first letter after a period or it's a name, even if there's a quotation mark in between. Commas (or exclamation marks or question marks) should be used to end a sentence that is immediately followed by a dialogue tag (like "she said"), and commas should only be used after a dialogue tag if the sentence is continuing. Also: technically "motioned" is not actually a dialogue tag. It's an action. You can't motion the words "top bunk" (unless you're using sign language). You can motion to the top bunk, but that's different. Here are some examples if you're having trouble following:

"I'm muttering," she muttered.

"I have things to say," she said, "so I'm going to say them."

"I don't have a short attention span," she insisted. "Oooh look a Butterfree!"

"I don't feel so good." She vomited. "That's gross."

So the proper way to punctuate what you originally wrote is

"Top bunk." She motioned. "Do you wish for some assistance?"

But then that sounds kind of awkward, so then you might want to change it to something like

She motioned to the top bunk. "Do you wish for some assistance?"

or

"Top bunk," she said, motioning. "Do you wish for some assistance?"

It's up to you.

This punctuation might seem confusing right now, but you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly. Just say the word if you have any questions. Having proper punctuation and grammar will go a long way towards this story looking professional, and since sometimes errors can break the flow of the story, it's nice to catch them. If you don't already, I'd suggest typing your chapters up in a word processor and using the built in spellcheck as well as proofreading once or twice before you post.

On the topic of technical mistakes, you should do the double space thing for new lines of dialogue as well. I know it's weird formatting without indents, but that's the widely accepted standard and it looks pretty. Plus it makes your chapters look longer

I realize this looks like a lot of nitpicky and negative stuff, but I did genuinely enjoy what I read. You've got some solid dialogue and decent description. This story definitely has a lot of potential. Keep up the good work!

Review Extravaganza 33/50

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

Well, thanks for your comment.
I'm going to put this story on hold for a while because my laptop's gone kaphut and I am not writing on my phone.

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

Chapter three: Partners for Life
"So, normally we'd start with a run in the morning, but as today is your first day I decided to let you meet the residents of the academy first." Ben smiled at us, the psychic - type group, who all merely stared back in horror. An early morning run? This was supposed to be the non-sporty group!

My class, consisting of ten first-year pupils, followed after Ben as he wheeled through the extensive gardens of the academy. Well, garden was the wrong word. This was a well kept forest, teeming with Pokémon, most of them bugs, who lived in the tall evergreens. Scattered throughout the forest were small clearings, perfect for outdoor classes in the summer. Mira adjusted her glasses and sighed contentedly.
"I do adore the atmosphere of coniferous forests. It reminds me of my homeland." She sounded rather wistful.
"So where do you come from?" I asked, curious.
"I originate from eastern Kalos, in snowbelle city. And where were you raised?"
"Here, on mount coronet. This is my first time away from home."
Mira looked like she wanted to say more, but she was cut off by Ben.
"This is the innermost clearing of the forest. I would like you to familiarise yourselves with the Pokémon here. Try not to stray too far. You have an hour."
The other students ran off excitedly into the forest, crashing and shouting. Preferring solitude myself, I headed away from the main group, treading carefully so as to not disturb shyer Pokémon. As I walked through the trees, enjoying the emerald - dappled light and the sense of calm in the forest, I noticed a small tree stump that looked like a perfect spot to sit and enjoy the forest. As I went to perch on the stump, however, it rose into the air and floated away!
"Please wait!" I cried, not wanting to have to run. "I didn't mean to scare you!" The tree stump stopped in its tracks. "Hey, it's okay, I just want to say hello!"
The stump turned to face me. "Phump?" It asked, tilting its oversized head to one side. I sat down on the ground and spread my arms out wide to show that I meant it no harm. It inched closer, allowing me to get a closet look at it.
Although its big, red eyes and wisp of a body, combined with its tiny mouth, constantly open in a look of pain, gave some children nightmares, I found it oddly sweet. Eventually, it came to hover in front of my face. "Phant."
"My name's Faye," I told it, so quiet I was almost whispering, "What's yours?"
"Tump...eeee..." The sinister whisper echoed through the forest.
"Your name's Tumpy?"
"Phantump!" It looked pleased. I had guessed right.
"So, Tumpy, are you a boy or a girl?"
For a second it just hovered there, as if trying to work out how to answer the question. A little boy's voice echoed eerily through the trees; "Help me... I'm lonely... Won't somebody help me?... I'm scared!..."
I nodded, realising. He was male, then. "You're lonely?"
"I just want... A friend..." Tumpy edged closer still, a wistful look in his eyes.
My heart melted. How could I refuse such a sweet, innocent being?
"I'll be your friend, Tumpy."
Tumpy stared at me for a second, before snuggling into my chest. At that point, my watch beeped. I needed to get back to the clearing!
"I need to go. I'll come and see you later." I planted a kiss on his head and got up.
"Phump!" he cried, with a voice full of despair.
"You can't come with me! I promise I'll come visit as soon as I can." I set off, praying he wouldn't follow me. Naturally, he did just that.
"Phan! Phan... Tump!" He stared at me with puppy-ghost eyes. Don't leave me! they seemed to plea.
"Alright, you can come, but if I get in trouble, you're taking responsibility. Alright?"
The tree pokémon floated over to me and snuggled into my chest once more. With the sweetie in my arms, I set off back to class.

---​

The two men took a collective gasp as the young girl appeared on one of the screens.
"But that's..."
"The archeologist's little brat!"
"How much did he tell her?"
"How would I know?"
"We should probably shut her up anyway."
"Indeed we should. Better safe than sorry."

 

[Doctor Floptopus]

Chapter Four: Dirty tricks
I gasped for air, knees buckling. I had to keep going! Next to me, Mira looked ill. Nox, Mira's hoothoot partner, perched on her shoulder, cawing encouragingly. Tumpy just looked concerned.
"Come on, you lazy lot!"
Ben wheeled along next to the group, grinning wildly.
Clearly, he has a touch of Schadenfreude, I thought.

Mira suddenly grinned, despite her red face, and habitually adjusted her glasses. She whispered something to the owl Pokémon on her arm and winked at me. I felt an odd feeling spread through me, and realised that I was floating. Nox's eyes were glowing a slightly pinkish colour, so I looked for Mira for confirmation.
"You need to convince him that you're still grounded," she murmured, starting off again.

For the next half hour or so, we 'ran' in companionable silence, with Nox and Tumpy taking it in turns to levitate us with Psychic until we reached the end. When we reached the classroom, Ben sighed.
"Well done to all of you... Except the two cheating girls loitering at the back. Don't think I didn't notice!"
Mira and I hung our heads in shame.
"Right, you can all go for lunch now, but can you two stay behind, please."
I shuffled my feet.
Ben sighed again.
"Girls, this really isn't in the spirit of what we do here at coronet. All rangers need to be in perfect physical condition. You are the part of the psychic type class, those who were weaker in physical areas of the entry exam. This morning run is meant to help you with this. If I find you cheating again, I will have to withdraw the privileges I have allowed you in regards to Pokémon."
Tumpy gave a cry of terror and floated closer to me. Mira, noticing this, spoke up.
"Please accept my apologies, sir. It was my idea to perform the levitation. Faye had no input in the initial decision."
"I'm sorry too, sir," I added.
Ben sighed for the third time. "Don't do it again. Now off with you both."
As we made to leave, Ben said,
"Oh, and girls?" We turned to face him. "I think it's really good that you managed to find pokémon partners so fast. It shows a strong love and care from them."
With a warmer look, he waved us out.

---​

"What happened to you two? Why are you so late?" Reggie was sitting in the canteen with her aipom, Cara, and Jay, a boy from her fighting - type class. He was tall and muscular, with shaggy black hair that kept falling over his face and sharp, sky blue eyes.
"Hey," he said, raising a hand with a lazy smile.

Mira and I wandered over to the counter and grabbed some food - a steak sandwich for Mira, and a salad for me - after so many years in the mountains eating scavenged food, I'd lost my taste for meat.

We sat down at the table with our food. Mira explained the 'cheating', whilst I fed Tumpy from a bowl of nuts. When Mira finished the end of her account, Jay beamed.
"Who knew two quiet - looking psychics would turn out to be such troublemakers?" he laughed.
"But why couldn't you cope with a simple hour's run?" asked Reggie, clearly thinking on her own sporting ability. To emphasise her point, Cara sprang on top of Reggie's head with a shout, proceeding to bounce up and down. It was such a comedic sight that we all doubled over laughing, Jay included.
"You lot are cool. Far cooler than the idiotic morons I share a room with," he commented, motioning to two brutes over in the corner who were cackling in a rather cruel way and slapping each other on the backs.
"May I hang out with you more often?"

The next few weeks went by in a blur. We had lessons in all kinds of rangerly skills, from harsh physical training to meticulous study about all kinds of Pokémon. Jay became a permanent part of our friendship group, and it was obvious that Mira fancied his socks off. It was only when tests came around for the first time that everything started to change...

---​

"ETA at Coronet twenty minutes, sir."
"Wonderful. They won't know what hit them."

 

[Persephone]

Hi, so due to Thanksgiving/finals/awards I fell a little bit behind in this. I figured I might as well catch up before awards nuked my reading time.

Stylistically, you do a lot of one-sentence microparagraphs where you write one sentence and hit the enter key and then write something sort of related and then hit the enter key twice when you're done with a scene. That looks pretty bad on a forum and I would strongly recommend switching to a normal paragraph structure and just hitting enter twice between paragraphs. It makes everything look much prettier.

You could also slow down a little. It's an academy fic. It's OK, and even natural, to remind people that this is an academy where people go to classes, do homework, hang out, etc. I think skipping most of the first quarter or so was a bad idea, since it negates a good opportunity to really show and develop characters and actually make this an academy fic rather than an action story that just happens to take place in a school. I think too often post-Harry Potter people have been very quick to just set things in schools because of HP's influence on the fan fiction community and then just write another fic... set in a school.

I continue to like the hour run being brutal on nerds and the actual emphasis upon most geniuses not being highly fit. It's a tad more realistic than the average journey fic's treatment of it and I continue to be extremely glad that Faye isn't in dark. Because yay for breaking predictable cliches. I also thought Tumpy's communication (and having his own name) was really interesting, even if his bonding (and being on Mount Coronet) seemed rather rushed. That's another case where if you were willing to write about the first quarter you could have spread that out over a series of interactions instead of just one "I love you now" scene. Taking some time for realism in that, and in showing Mira's crush, would be nice. As of now I know little about either character so I don't care at all about their romantic interactions. In order to develop supporting characters in this type of story you really do need to slow down and show actual school scenes.

Anyway, I think you continue to have some nice ideas and bring some original conventions to the table, but you have to format correctly and slow down. Academy fics are best when they border on slice of life. I think you're trying to set up an action story. Maybe if I cared about the protagonists because they had been fleshed out and developed I would care more about the action. But as of now it's hard to care about some looming terror threat when I only sort of care if Faye dies.