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COMPLETE: Devious (Galactic fic, PG-13)

Blackjack Gabbiani

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(There's a theory about Cyrus not having been the original Galactic leader, so I took it and ran with it. Explaination of name after the story.)



Though he was a relatively new recruit, having only been hired three years ago at nineteen, Cyrus was already a commander. It was destiny, their leader said. It was as certain as though it had been written in the stars that he would achieve greatness.

Galatea was rarely wrong about things like that. And for his part, Cyrus knew she was right. From the moment they had met, she had praised him, for his mind, for his outlook, his look, his name...

His name. He was the Sun, she said, and that once he was shaped enough, all would behold him.

But she was the galaxy, and the Sun was a part of that, so he would be a part of her whole.

The thought was almost unbearable; his power checked by virtue of such a thing. He would gladly have borne such a burden, though, were it not for one thing. Galatea was convinced that humanity could be saved if they accepted her as their ruler.

It was folly. It would take something far beyond new leadership to salvage the world, and anyone who failed to realize that could not possibly be the leader of so many.

But he served faithfully. In time he would reveal his ideas, but for the time he stuck to his duties and appointed tasks. All the time Galatea was overhead, swirling around him like planets in orbit. He had to clear his thoughts, focus on only what she wanted, and set aside grand schemes of cosmic rebirth.

He was in negative space. The two goals were far removed, opposite points of the endless universe. Such a divide was unthinkable by living comprehension, but he continued to serve. It was better than the void of the outside. At least Galatea, distant though she was, existed on the same plane, beyond the grasp of those who clung to the everyday.

Then there was the word, open on the page before him as he searched through the tome on the ancient world. It had no meaning, none connected to anything he had been taught, none in the universe save for a broken rock.

He had his release. She had presented a false face to the Team, and those who did so could never be leaders. Those who did so would fall into the black hole of history, never to be spoken of again. Who would want to remember a liar?

There was his plan, and there was his presentation. Such a thing could not be acted on with haste, but he had never released his ideas from his mind, so he was prepared to strike.

Those he passed in the hallway snapped to attention, some trailing in his gravitational pull before casting themselves aside. There existed none who would stop him, and none that could.

Galatea's office lay nearly to the end of the hallway that wound through the topmost floor, beyond it only the boardroom where he had heard the repetition of her goals spiraling out into infinity. To put the room, the blind trust of humans, past herself was folly.

One knock garnered a cheerful "Enter!"--she was needlessly jubilant, the flow of passion towards something as commonplace as receiving a visitor another meteor hurling towards her. Not that his visit was commonplace, but she had no way of knowing that.

"Ma'am," he addressed shortly, closing the door behind him with one arm, the other kept stiffly behind his back.

She set her pen aside and pushed the papers to the center of the desk. "You didn't salute."

His hand tightened.

"But I suppose that doesn't matter. What brings you here, Commander Cyrus?"

A step and another. "Are you the galaxy, Galatea?" And another. "Are you really all things? Or are you just nearly nothing?"

She looked away briefly, but only for a second, and when she caught his glare she was smiling. "Go on."

"Galatea," he repeated, drawing it out and advancing on the beats. "I found that name in my studies. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that you aren't the galaxy after all."

By this point he was at her side, and she had matched his eyes at ever moment. "Then what am I, brilliant Sun?"

"A broken moon. A shattered stone." He bent down to her level. "A false idol."

"Then I presume you're here to strike me from existence." A faint smile shone across her lips. "I had a feeling you would. And no one will stand in your way."

Taking her life, her power, would bring her power as a part of himself, and the Team would not rise against him for the act. It would be the natural order of the universe. In an instant he struck, grabbing her by the neckline of her uniform and shoving her back on the desk, holding her by the throat although she made no move to struggle.

"This was never about my name, was it?" she asked calmly, but with a dash of sadness.

"No, not especially." He stayed his hand for a moment, then no longer, plunging the knife into her heart.

A short cry escaped her, then a few sharp breaths, and she smiled at him. "You are the Sun..." she told him, pulling in a gasp as he removed the knife, "and all will behold your glory..." Her mouth moved for a second but no sound escaped, and she fell limply into the black hole beyond life.

He stared at her for a moment before picking her up and resting her in the chair in front of the desk. A nebula of blood streaked his own uniform, and with a disgusted sigh he removed his jacket to clean the polished wood before the pool could reach any of the papers.

Taking his seat, and it was indeed his now, he picked up the errant pen and began writing where she had left off. There was, if his plan worked, only so much time in the world, even if the sun could shine forever.





 
Wow. That is amazing. I love how you built the suspense before Cyrus killed her, and also the fact he was a favorite of the former leader. It's never the ones you expect...
 
Well, depending on perspective. I mean, there's a certain *other* high-ranking officer in a different Team who'd *love* to do something like this...but with him/them it wouldn't be nearly as easy as "the natural order of the universe".

(also IMM would suck as a leader. He makes a great field officer, but make him do paperwork and he'd probably blow up the building)
 
(Spare time FTW)

Heh, I thought Galatea was familar for a reason other than the obvious Galatic-sounding-similar-to-it thing - turns out it was a moon (amongost other things), and I had heard of it after an in-depth assignment on the Solar system years back. Yay.

Anyway, this was quite good, I thought, if a little too short for my liking. Mostly bacause I would have liked to have read more of this... looks like a one-shot as well, but does feel like it could be continued? Leatsways it does have that possibility.

I would have also liked to have seen a bit more about the set-up they had - more on what they were doing before he took over, and simply have a bit more expanded upon. For it did feel that it wasn't all that long before he already had decided to overthrow her... also, the paragraphs were all of a similar length, which may have emphasised the quick-feeling pace, IMO - maybe joining the odd one, or expanding the odd one, would help slow it down and seem longer as well?

I liked it though - you protrayed Cyrus quite convincingly, have to admit, and liked the whole Sun and galaxy thing going on there as well - intriguing. (You do like your villains, don't you? Interesting to look at the other side, have to admit). Noticed you didn't try to hide his intentions either, but simply gave very storng hints/basically told us his plans near the beginning, and built it up as the story went along. Interesting option there - was nice, although maybe built up just a little slower? (Kinda anticipated it a bit too early, is all; maybe a slight feeling of surprise what he is to do rather then confirmation?)

Other stuff:
From the moment they had met, she had praised him, for his mind, for his outlook, his look, his name...
Maybe change that to a semi-colon?
One knock garnered a cheerful "Enter!"--she was needlessly jubilant, the flow of passion towards something as commonplace as receiving a visitor another meteor hurling towards her.
Last part is confusing, as if there is something missing between 'receiving a visitor' and 'another meteor'... feels irregular and could be reworded.
"Ma'am," he addressed shortly, closing the door behind him with one arm, the other kept stiffly behind his back.

She set her pen aside and pushed the papers to the center of the desk. "You didn't salute."

His hand tightened.
I REALLY liked that small moment there.
A step and another.
Maybe a comma after step, or a semi-colon and 'and'? Just feels a small pause there is required.
In an instant he struck, grabbing her by the neckline of her uniform and shoving her back on the desk, holding her by the throat although she made no move to struggle.

"This was never about my name, was it?" she asked calmly, but with a dash of sadness
I raise an eyebrow to her asking this calmly... human instinct of sorts to be a bit unsettled over having someone hold your throught in a way that suggest to me she is being chocked somewhat here... *shrugs*

But quite good there - very clean, and although it was a little short-ish (I want MOAR!), it was very well written. Good job. :)
 
Ironic that you use a name that refers to a "broken moon" of Neptune when I've created someone who could be considered "broken" who nearly joined Galactic with Neptune as their name.

Very well crafted words, very well crafted...
 
Oooooh, lots to reply to! Awesome!


bobandbill, I love your reviews. They're glowing *and* they give me plenty to think about.

bobandbill said:
Mostly bacause I would have liked to have read more of this... looks like a one-shot as well, but does feel like it could be continued? Leatsways it does have that possibility.

Well...my mind kinda turned it off there. The only thing I can think of that would feed directly off it would be someone coming in for a meeting and seeing him there and asking where she went...or something. Basically the continuation is the story from there, what we go on to see.

bobandbill said:
I would have also liked to have seen a bit more about the set-up they had - more on what they were doing before he took over, and simply have a bit more expanded upon. For it did feel that it wasn't all that long before he already had decided to overthrow her...

I was thinking it was similar in present action to the Galactics we know today, only with the ultimate goal changed. She wanted to save humanity by ruling it, while he wants to save it by wiping it clean and starting over, having given up on it as it currently exists. But since the here and now would be basically the same, reiteration wouldn't really go right because it'd be repeating what we already know from the games.

bobandbill said:
also, the paragraphs were all of a similar length, which may have emphasised the quick-feeling pace, IMO - maybe joining the odd one, or expanding the odd one, would help slow it down and seem longer as well?

Ooh, that would have made it seem more disjointed too. Thanks!

bobandbill said:
I liked it though - you protrayed Cyrus quite convincingly, have to admit, and liked the whole Sun and galaxy thing going on there as well - intriguing. (You do like your villains, don't you? Interesting to look at the other side, have to admit). Noticed you didn't try to hide his intentions either, but simply gave very storng hints/basically told us his plans near the beginning, and built it up as the story went along. Interesting option there - was nice, although maybe built up just a little slower? (Kinda anticipated it a bit too early, is all; maybe a slight feeling of surprise what he is to do rather then confirmation?)

Yeah, I love writing for the bad guys...although that may be because most of the heroes in this series are really stupid and the only one I like is Brock (and Tracey but he hardly ever shows up).

Maybe I write for the Marauder too much, as far as rebellions go. Although hmm...even then I tend to write that as festering for a while.

Although Cyrus is an up-front type of person. He tells you things you really don't need to know throughout the entire game (heck, look at your first encounter with him. Crazy guy in the cave!), and the only thing he doesn't tell people is his true goal--and in here he never says it either.


bobandbill said:
Last part is confusing, as if there is something missing between 'receiving a visitor' and 'another meteor'... feels irregular and could be reworded.

I could slide in a "was", would that go?

bobandbill said:
I REALLY liked that small moment there.

Why thank you.

bobandbill said:
I raise an eyebrow to her asking this calmly... human instinct of sorts to be a bit unsettled over having someone hold your throught in a way that suggest to me she is being chocked somewhat here...

Well, he's not choking her, just pinning her down. Also, as indicated by her final words to him, she was anticipating this eventually, so she's sad that she's going to die, but she knows that the Team will be in good hands...in short, she's as much of a lunatic as he is. Just in a different way.

Commander Saturn said:
Ironic that you use a name that refers to a "broken moon" of Neptune when I've created someone who could be considered "broken" who nearly joined Galactic with Neptune as their name.

Ironic?

Commander Saturn said:
Very well crafted words, very well crafted...

Thank you!
 
And he just sits there, taking her place, and nobody gives two shits about it?

I like how you make him inspire such, uh, awe? Yes, awe fits. The metaphors linking to outer space, 'nebula of blood', 'another meteor' etc, were a unique take on the situation.

So all in all, good job and don't stop.
 
Pretty much yeah. They're all kinds of messed up, and with her, she felt that anyone who could take her down was deserving of being her successor.

And yes, I really loved the space metaphors. They were a blast writing.
 
0_0... Wow. That is the first Fanfic I have EVER read that actually grasped my attention and made me want to see more- this is a big deal, since I don't really read Fanfics (too much hate towards them from all the let's make Inuyasha and Shesshomaru be in love! and the Edward is mine- not Bella's! fanfics XD). I especially liked By this point he was at her side, and she had matched his eyes at ever moment. "Then what am I, brilliant Sun?"

"A broken moon. A shattered stone." He bent down to her level. "A false idol."

That part I found to be very gripping and flat out Sugoi!
 
I'm going to be honest. Most of the fics I see on this forum are utter fail in my mind. They lack either grammar, plot, or purpose other than to spam the forum and inflate the author's ego. But this fic is so well-written, it's not even funny, and you did your homework on the subject, too. All in all... 9 out of 10.
 
Wow this was actually pretty great. I loved how you built up the suspence....however you led to the ending too easily. Irony isn't always a bad thing. It is good to throw the readers off every once in a while. But yeah all in all it was pretty great. 8.7/10
 
Aww shucks you guys.

Yeah, there's a lot of bad fics out there, but there's a lot of bad EVERYTHING out there. What's that saying, 99% of everything is crap? The trick is to find the stuff that's good--and there ARE good fanfics out there.

Nido--The outcome is pretty obvious going into it. We know he's going to become leader, and that means she has to go. Or do you mean the revelation about her name?
 
I mean the fact that he just walks up and kills her without no struggle. I mean, yes we all know that he one day becomes the leader. However I doubt seriously that the previous leader is just going to let him kill her and smile. I mean at least it doesn't happen that way in real life. But like I said that was the only beef I had with it and everything else was A+ material.
 
I should probably make it clearer then about *why* no one's stopping him or standing against him, because the idea is that it's a "whoever can strike me down must be deserving" sort of thing.

Hmm. Now to remedy that. *ponder*
 
Also you should check out Everstone. I mean like I said you do not have to but if you do just make sure to give as much critique as you can, because I likewise am trying to improve my writing ability.
 
No, kinda the opposite. Obi-Wan said that if he was struck down he would become more powerful. With Galatea here, it's more of anybody who can actually kill me must by nature be superior.
 
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Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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