COMPLETE: Do not Disturb! (one-shot)

[Crayon-Shadowe]

Okay, most of probably won't find it funny, but I just wanted to put it up as my first thread. (So PLEASE don't be too harsh)


Characters: Fuchsia Slate, a music-crazed 13-year-old girl, easily angered if disturbed. Leah Oak, grand-daughter of Professor Oak, hates Fuchsia and loves to annoy her. Forrest Slate, Brock's younger broher, the current gym leader of pewter city, Fuchsia's younger cousin.
DO NOT DISTURB

Fuchsia: (sits down at piano in living room and starts playing) Finally a little peace...

Leah: (looking inside window from front door) Hehehe...I'll show you peace! (starts ringing doorbell)

Fuchsia: Hmm. (goes to door) Hello?...(nobody insight) Lousy doorbell ditchers...(goes back to playing piano)

Leah: (rings doorbell then hides in bush)

Fuchsia: Aghhh!(answers door, nobody insight)

Leah: (rings doorbell then runs away)

Forrest: (coming up steps) Leah, what on earth are you doing?

Leah: Hi Forrest (sees door opening), Bye Forrest! (blows a kiss, then runs away)

Fuchsia: FORREST! (pulls forrest by the back of his shirt before he runs away) Was it you who kept ringing the doorbell?

Forrest: I didn't do anything

Fuchsia: How come I heard the doorbell six times?

Forrest: Uh....Leah was here a few moments ago...

Fuchsia: Oh, that dirty little... What did you want anyway?

Forrest: Uh, I kinda....forgot.

Fuchsia: Good bye!(closes door in Forrest's face, and goes back to playing the piano)

Forrest: ...Now I remember! Achmed wanted me to ask if fuchsia wanted to go to the movies!...oh well.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Yeah, who the hell *are* these people?

 

[Crayon-Shadowe]

Some of my Pokemon OC's, sorry for boring you.

 

[The Outrage]

I don't know why people insist on writing fanfics in script format, they're rarely any good and makes one wonder if they can even write a proper story.

Oh and Blackjack didn't say she was bored, she was just wondering who they are.

 

[White Len]

The Script format isn't well received by the community. Dude, try adding description and, oh, I dunno...Actual Pokémon? Oak's blood runs through his granddaughter's veins. You'd think that at least she would be interested in Pokémon...

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Script format as a concept is all right. But it really has to have more detail.

 

[Bluntasaur]

I'm sorry, but this made no sense.

You could have at least explained who your characters were before starting the story, so we would at least have an inkling as to what's going on.

And trust me, script format is a BAD idea. I wrote in that format when I started out, and it was just a mess.

Try putting more thought into your story and your characters next time.

 

[White Len]

Your characters section is, too, a mess. When explaining a new character, start a new paragraph. In fact, drop the whole section completely. Explain the character as the story progresses. This will make your story look better. The only time you should be using character sections is when the fandom you're writing about is a book and starts off by explaining the characters. And adding something about Jeff Dunham's little skeleton at the end of the fic is absolutely...I dunno...

Forrest should be at the gym, since you said that he was the current gym leader.

In whole, this story seems more like a girl playing a prank on her girlfriend more than Pokemon.

 

[Crayon-Shadowe]

Sorry for wasting your time, i'll put more effort into future stories, whether or not I decide to post them.