EVERYONE: Eevee are Magic

[Light Fang]

Eevee are Magic
(A story based on the calming sense that an Eevee can give)
{Pokémon translation= What Pokémon say}

Prologue- The sad little girl…

In a forest where the wild Pokémon live there is a young Eevee who sits within the hallow tree trunk that she has taken to call home…

{It’s not fair…}

The Eevee would cry each night after having met a trainer who then failed to catch her and she would then flee like all Pokémon are meant to do… But the thing is she wants to go and leave home with some trainer and get to have a far more adventurous life one filled with excitement…

{But I just can’t seem to be caught… Maybe… Just maybe I’m not meant to be-}

[CRASH!!!!!]

Her thought is suddenly disrupted by a loud booming crash that rang out.

{WHAT WAS THAT?!}

She asked out loud in shock as her two step-sisters rush into her their little sisters “room”.

{Eve come quick!}

{A “Thing” landed in the mud outside!}

Eve had known when her step-sisters used the term “Thing” then it means a human… She quickly dashed to meet this person.

{EVE STAY BACK!}

Eve the Eevee stops in her tracks as her adoptive father a Mightyena had barked at her to stop but she could see a young man his face down in the mud.

{Is he ok?}

She asks as the human starts to move.

 

[Kazooie]

Your story contained more unorganized details with stale dialogue and action then three important factors you must include in a story (Or at least one of these factors): Voice, heart, and vision. Hardly any development took place in the story, and it failed to make me see a vision of your words.

The characters are hardly even easy to relate to, and show no development whatsoever along with how they look and feel.

"The Eevee would cry each night after having met a trainer who then failed to catch her and she would then flee like all Pokémon are meant to do… But the thing is she wants to go and leave home with some trainer and get to have a far more adventurous life one filled with excitement…"

If the Eevee wanted to be taken home by a trainer, then why did she chose not to get captured?
Having this detail: "she would then flee like all Pokémon are meant to do" then this one: "But the thing is she wants to go and leave home with some trainer and get to have a far more adventurous life one filled with excitement…" Makes no sense whatsoever, now does it?

The pacing of the story is utterly confusing to keep up with. Firstly you say that she lives on a tree trunk, then you make a crash sound happen, and her step sisters running to their little sister's 'room.' Hold up right there, from the way you worded above, you made it seem like she lived by herself and not in some "house" with random Pokemon who happen to be her "sisters." Am I supposed to understand that without my head hurting with confusion?

There was hardly a vision in this story. You didn't support some of the details with a little concept called "Show, don't Tell," What annoyed me while reading this was that you threw out details and dialogue as if they didn't mean anything at all.

Overall, this was a bit below average work. I expect more from you since you posted many other stories before this. Hopefully if you decide to continue this little work, you will fix what I stated above. Good luck with the rest of your works.

 

[Light Fang]

Ouch.