Epic Adventure of Unspoken Destiny

[Asthaerignon]

A group of crime fighters fight evil crime things. Humor may be immature. Not all will find funny. YMMV.

Rated E10+ for some language and violence played for laughs. Nothing worse than, say, Indiana Jones, and most swears aside from "crap" and "hell" are censored for comic effect.

All reviews and comments greatly appreciated, as this is my first true fan-fic attempt. Writing Pokémon fanfictions is trending among my real-life school friends, so I thought I'd give it a shot in my own comedic style.

Table of Contents:
Chapter 1: In the Hood - typed up
Chapter 2: The Big Brown Dog - typed up
Chapter 3: Loose Ends - typed up
Chapter 4: Chekhov's Gun - in my journal
Chapter 5: Into Ash - in my journal

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Chapter 1: In the Hood

The screen flickered a bit, then the picture disappeared.

"Well, let's consider this first," Alexis said, twirling a pencil. "We have no leads, no witnesses, and seven seconds of drone footage. This is the case the department is funding?"

The fat bearded supervisor behind the glass clicked his mic on.

"We have good reason to believe that there is illegal activity occurring in the Ruins of Alph. The numbers don't lie."

"That's what you always say," she continued defiantly. "We've been on three wild goose chases this year while those Interpol agents chase serious criminals halfway across the world. I didn't sign up for this crap."

"Eh, the blur in that video looked pretty suspicious," I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"SILENCE YOU FOOLS. YOU MAY NOT QUESTION THE CORPORATION™. CARRY ON YOUR DUTIES."


I'm Mike. I work for the Corporation™, a private crime-fighting organization in Johto. Before this important case, my entire career was boring and pointless. After this case, it was still pointless. I just thought it made for an interesting story.


The action begins en route to the Ruins of Alph to investigate a two-second blur in some drone footage. I am in a dark van wearing dark pants. Next to me are Alexis - an inexperienced field agent - and Bug Catcher Johnny, a commanding sergeant proficient in seven martial arts and operation of firearms. Driving is Ellis, a collector of discarded hats. He is wearing dark pants and... a discarded hat.

"We are here," Ellis says, removing his BROCK OBAMA 2016 baseball cap to scratch his head.

"Always hated these ruins," muttered Bug Catcher Johnny, lighting a cigar. "Reminds me of the Kanto War. ---, did I kill a lot of people."

Instinctively, I threw my Poké Ball to release Crime Fighter Chinchou, which was just a talking Chinchou.

"Hey, dawg. Why you keep me in there all the time? It hurts bro. I wanna fight something or do a crime... thing."

Alexis huffed. She held a certain animosity toward Crime Fighter Chinchou after it killed her cousin at Thanksgiving three years ago.

We walked a bit down the beaten path. Suddenly, a Pokémon trainer appeared! He seemed to want to battle.

"Hey, 'tards! Let's battle!"

The party stopped to kind of stare at him.

"Kid, we are on official policing business," I said with authority.

"Oh boy, a real live police! That sounds urgent. Let me show you my Rattata!"

The kid threw three Master Balls at the ground to reveal... Rattatas. Alexis and Ellis threw their Poké Balls while I sent out Crime Fighter Chinchou.

"Rattata, use Growl!" the kid said three times.

A loud screech filled the air, causing Ellis to drop his discarded hat and Bug Catcher Johnny to drop his .35 Magnum.

"FIEBAS♀♂, use Hyper Beam!" Alexis said. She named her Milotic at the age of five.

"Jackie Chan, use Psychic!" said Ellis to his Mr. Mime.

The two attacks hit their targets, which were immediately rendered unconscious.

"Crime Fighter Chinchou, use Thunderbolt!" I said with authority.

"Y'know, I don't have to put up with this ----," CFC said. He picked up the .35 and shot the third Rattata right in the neck.

The little kid started crying. The team started high-fiving and walking away. Through his bitter tears, the kid stopped us.

"Wait, I have to give you my mom's money," he said sadly.

"That's right kid, pay up," said Bug Catcher Johnny, who had little time for debts. He took the money from the kid and began to walk away.

"Why were you so mean?" the kid sobbed.

"Look buddy, if you was from where I was from, you'd be ------- dead," Crime Fighter Chinchou said.


We walked to the entrance of the Ruins. CORPORATION™ drones buzzed overhead. I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

"Hey, there is something in the corner of my eye," I said.

The crew grumbled, but Alexis immediately perked up.

"Where, Mike?" she asked.

I remembered that she hadn't been on a real mission despite being on the payroll for a year. I didn't have the heart to admit that this case was likely another bum job.

"Over there, next to those... uh... crumbling rocks," I mumbled, gesturing vaguely.

After a few more minutes of searching, Ellis pounded the ground in frustration.

"We're looking for a blasted two-second blur! We ain't gonna find nothin'! For the love of hats, let's just turn back in time for lunch."

"If I find that blur I'm gonna shoot it so many ---- times," said Bug Catcher Johnny.

A generically Japanese voice projected from behind a pillar.

"Wait, don't shoot me!" it said.

"Who the heck are you?" I asked, shaking. CFC began to charge a Thunderbolt.

"I am the Two-Second Blur, fastest evil ninja in the land!" the voice said in an accent so nasal as to defame an entire continent.

Bug Catcher Johnny opened fire with his SMG, breaking millennia of valuable artifacts but missing the enemy.

"Ahaha, you cannot defeat me," Two-Second Blur taunted, appearing before us from thin air. His lip movements did not match his speech. He wore a hood.

Two-Second Blur threw a kunai at a drone. Jackie Chan used Light Screen, but the knife exploded, killing Chan and the drone.

"No, Jackie Chan!" Ellis said, stroking his best friend's dead body.

"You monster! How could you do this?" Alexis shouted.

"The Evil Team will be using these ruins as our new base," Two-Second Blur said, pausing to put a third cigarette in his mouth. "If you CORPORATION™ fools interfere, you will be disciplined by Dr. Evil himself!"

"Is that your leader?" I asked.

"Uh... no," said the ninja. He then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

We decided to return to base and form a plan.

 

[Asthaerignon]

Chapter 2: The Big Brown Dog

I sat at my desk, sipping coffee from my "I <3 SUBSEED" mug. It was 2:00a.m., but we lived in our offices. The CORPORATION™ didn't like secrets getting out.

I looked at the memo on the table. Dang, what was taking the execs so long? We'd been staking out for hours waiting for an official response to the Alph Ruins Crisis. At around 2:30a.m., the speaker turned on. We saw the fat bearded supervisor through the glass shield wall.

"We've been looking through our records the past couple hours..." the supervisor began.

"You don't say," muttered a sleep-deprived Alexis. I forgot that we shared an office.

"Alright, I'll cut to the chase," the speaker crackled. "As a private institution, we have no jurisdiction over the Ruins. They're a national treasure."

"So that's it?!" I said in disbelief. "Our first case in over a year and we give it up just like that?"

"Hey, you didn't let me finish," the fat man said. "We can get permission from the government to perform a sting operation. That's why I've invited the president of the Treasures Bureau."

"Wow, kudos to the CORPORATION™ for getting something done for once," Alexis muttered.

"SILENCE FOOL. THE CORPORATION™ IS THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT," the supervisor recited from his CORPORATION™ employee response note card. The mic clicked off and the office door lock slid open. Out stepped a fellow with a backwards cap, unkempt sideburns and a limp plaid tie.

"Yo, sorry I'm late. I was walking through traffic all hustle and rush, y'know? Then I saw this dog, right? This little... bit of a Chihuahua, or somethin'. And she or it was playing with this ball with this dude in the park and everything just kinda stopped, right? And I'm like, 'hey, there's a big brown dog barkin' at my back door,' right? You know what I'm sayin' here?"

Our visitor stopped for a breath. Alexis and I exchanged glances.

"Anyway so I had to take this massive dump. So I did that and remember I'm walking in traffic, right? So there's this cop, okay, and he stops me - like, with his car. I just full-on collided with this cop car, just... flipped, like, right over the hood. Musta been going, like, what, 20, 25? Anyway so I finish my dump and now I'm here."

There is silence.

"Hello, I'm Mike," I said, extending my hand reluctantly.

"And hello to you, Mike. Hey, don't look so creeped out. 'Be a man, use your hand,' right? That's what they say. About dumps."

I pulled my hand away.

"Hi, I'm Alexis," my partner said, offering only a half-smile. "What may we call you?"

"I am Amando, but you can call me... well Amando. If I had a nickname, IT WOULD STILL BE AMANDO, right? Well, okay, I work in government, so I guess I'm a public servant. So... call me Public Servant Amando, right? Or, like, PSA for short."

"I'd say you're a walking PSA," I muttered.

"You would not be incorrect, but I really wish I'd driven. Are there severe lacerations on my back? Like, the upper part?"

"Listen... uh, Amando. We need to talk business. There could be serious criminal activity going on," Alexis said calmly at arm's length.

"HA! THAT CHART SAYS BUM JOBS," Amando replied.

"How did you come to be president of the Treasures Bureau?" I asked, becoming more curious each time he spoke.

"I pwned nubs," he said flatly.

"Perhaps we should start the discussion elsewhere," I said. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Unova, but, like, the really upper-crust swag part. See, I'm a Mexican-Jew, so there were a lot of great supermarket job opportunities," the PSA said, massaging his neck lacerations.

"This is getting us nowhere!" Alexis shouted angrily. "May we, the CORPORATION™, greenlight a sting operation in the currently criminal headquarters of the Ruins of Alph?"

"Oh yeah, I hate that place. Blow it to hell if you like."

"Good thinking, soldier," said Bug Catcher Johnny. The room had a collective double heart attack of the brain.

"How did you get in here?!" I asked.

"Heh," he said. "Not important. A better question would be why."

"Why are you in here?!" I asked.

"Reconnaissance," he said, putting the BUM JOBS chart back on the desk.

"I am here, too," said Ellis, standing up from behind a desk while zipping up his pants.

"Oh, hey, dudes, like, I've got this story to tell you," the PSA began.

 

[Phoenixon]

You were right, some people won't like this humour... But I do.
And, you NAMED a chapter "Chekhov's Gun"? Definitely looking forward to it.

 

[Asthaerignon]

Chapter 3: Loose Ends

"Why are we draggin' this guy along again?" Ellis asked from the front seat. He tossed a burning cigarette to the back of the van.

"It's, like, my job to make sure the memories aren't damaged. I don't give two flipping ----s, of course, but if they catch me shirking my duties, it could mean bad publicity, you know?" Amando rambled.

I spoke. "It wasn't bad publicity when you got hit by a cop car while taking a dump on the highway?"

"Hey, all publicity is good publicity."

"But you just sai-"

"Guys, we're here," Alexis said.

We stepped out.

"Hey, could you hand me that cigarette?" Ellis asked. "Can't have the van burning while we're gone."

Bug Catcher Johnny cocked his AK. "I ate it."

"Oh."



Meanwhile, in the Evil Team base, Two-Second Blur approached the control room. "Hey, boss, we have punch in the back. Join?"

Dr. Evil quickly switched his browser tab and swiveled in his evil swivel chair. He had five blood diamond rings on each finger and silver mutton chops.

"Ah, hello, Blur. How are the new evil recruits?"

"Good. Do very good. Frank reach rank of Eight-Second Distortion on Tuesday."

"Excellent. We can put that on this week's memo. Speaking of this week, how is Saturday's project coming?"

"Good, good. The Unown levels are fluctuating well. They should be at maximum potency soon. Also, Frank used them to spell ------- ----------- ---- ---- earlier."

"Frank is the freaking man."



Back to the good part of the story.

"Oh, bunmuffins, how are you?"

"Your wife calls you bunmuffins?" I asked.

"Helen, I'm taking you off speaker phone," Bug Catcher Johnny said.

The device sprang to life. "DISABLING SPEAKER PHONE IS A VIOLATION OF CORPORATION™ POLICY SUBJECT TO LEGAL ACTION."

"...this is the worst spy equipment ever," Alexis muttered.

"Technically, Ally, we're secret agents," Ellis said, shifting his "BOLTBEAM ALL THE WAY" golf visor. It was tattered and pungent from residing in a landfill since Generation V.

"Technically, I'm a sexual predator. Technicalities don't really matter that much though, y'know? ...right?" Amando said.

There was more silence.

"Bunmuffins, are you there?"



We make our way to the Ruins of Alph. Crime Fighter Chinchou and FIEBAS♀♂ are ready for combat. Our balls are in our hands.

(I am aware that the verb tense just changed; I derp up and do that often.)

Alexis takes out her sp- ehm, secret agent phone. She calls mission control.

"Hey, Gamergirl337 here," a voice crackles.

"I require explanation," Amando says.

"That's her... gamertag. She's worked CORPORATION™ mission control for 27 years and nobody remembers her real name," I respond.

"Sorry, can't hear you over the Cheetos®, give it a sec. Hey, mage! Buff me ------! Use your shouts, new---s!"

"Could you not play World of Warcraft on the job?" I weigh in.

The radio crackles again. "Oh, no worries. I'm playing Pong against AI. That's just a reflex."

"Could you drop us an equipment thingy?" Alexis asked eloquently.

"Sure, just lemme hijack one of these ------- drones."

"Bunmuffins, are you okay?" Bug Catcher Johnny's cellphone said.

At that moment a box full of potatoes fell from the sky.

"GamerGirl337, these are potatoes."

"HAHA! GG, N00000B!"

"Excuse me?" I asked with authority.

"Sorry, wasn't talking to you. Ah, crap! The Evil Team replaced all of our weapons with potatoes," she said. She sounded genuinely sorry.

"Honey, I've got to go soon. How are the kids?" Bug Catcher Johnny whispered.

"Timmy graduated last week. He was disappointed when you didn't show up," Helen's voice blasted.

"I'm really sorry honey," he said sadly.

"Eh, he'll get over it. Go shoot some bad guys in the -----."

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you too."

She hung up.

"Aaaaaaaaawww..." I said.



"My Mexican-Jew heritage makes me want to, like, sell these potatoes for a discount price," Amando said. We were deep in the ruins now, led only by Alexis's cell phone and Ellis's neon pink football helmet patched with reflective tape.

"To buy more illegal substances?" I jabbed. Alexis giggled.

"Actually, I heard they legalized Paras in Kanto just recently."

Bug Catcher Johnny facepalmed, accidentally shooting six rounds from his SMG.

"Why are you always so heavily armed?" Alexis inquired.

"Growing up on Route I, you learn to defend yourself. At age 8 I put three caps in some kid talking big mathy ---- about his Rattata."

"Oh."

"Your gunshots triggered a trap, dawg!" Crime Fighter Chinchou said.

"Did that Chinchou just talk?" Amando asked.

"Yeah, he does that," I reply. "You get used to it, except when he makes up words."

"Yo, Ellis, you're about to get bamflagamizzled by that arrow trap brotha!"

Fifty arrows found their mark on Ellis's helmet.

"GET DOWN!" Bug Catcher Johnny said, lobbing two live grenades and opening fire with dual magnums as purple light began to flash at the other end of the tunnel.

The light scattered and then came towards the secret agents.

"Well, bounce my balls," said Bug Catcher Johnny.

"No thank you," Amando quickly replied. "Nose goes."

The powerful light beams came closer and closer. Strange sounds began to echo off the cave walls. A cloud of pink mist inched toward our heroes.

"Unown!" Alexis shouted, not because of the unlikelihood of the event but at the possibility of advancing the story's plot at a pace faster than a Dragon Ball Z episode.

"Hey, they say ------- ----------- ---- ----," Amando commented.

"MORTALS," a voice spoke.

"What?" Amando asked, scratching his rear.

"THE CHOSEN ONE IS AMONG YOU," the voice spoke flatly.

I stepped forward, ready to fulfill my destiny as the MASTER HERO PROTAGONIST.

"THE PROPHECY STATES THAT THE ONE WHO IS SHOT FIFTY TIMES IN THE FACE WILL SAVE US ALL."

Ellis walked forward, passed gas, and began levitating. His eyes glowed purple and a shriek echoed through the cave. He then floated into the mist and disappeared.

Suddenly, the cave rumbled and a fat Graveler started rolling after us while humming the Indiana Jones theme. We ran until we found a metal sliding door. We quickly closed it behind us.

 

[Arkadelphiak]

This is . . . art. It's hysterical and self-aware and I love it!