TEEN: - Complete Eric Daimon's Quest: Pokemon, A Keyblade, & Revenge (PG-13)

[Terra Force]

Ever since his entire village was obliterated by Team Rocket, Eric Daimon wanted to get his revenge. His girlfriend, Peggy Nohrstein, fled, and Eric was unconscious, and Mewtwo saved his life. Eric was teleported to New Islands by Mewtwo. Now, Eric knows about Team Rocket, and has a Jungle King Keyblade, along with 6 Pokemon (Rhyperior, Sceptile, Donphan, Kingdra, Crobat, and Gyarados), and wants to kill Giovanni to get his revenge. This fanfic is rated PG-13.


Chapter 1


Eric woke up, and looked around. He asked "Where am I, and how did I get here? Where's my village?", Mewtwo teleported into the room, and then told him "I am Mewtwo, and you are on my humble New Island. I teleported you here after Team Rocket destroyed your village. Everyone except you and your girlfriend Peggy Nohrstein was murdered. I knew your parents, and it is such a shame they are dead. You see, they saved my life from Team Rocket. Your father was in Team Snagem, and your mother was a Coordinator, am I right? Here, take these.", as the genetic Pokemon levitated a Jungle King Keyblade, and 6 Pokeballs with Pokemon stolen from Team Rocket. Eric said "How can I ever thank you?" Mewtwo told our young avenger "Helping us get our revenge and eliminating Team Rocket would be great. I sense your girlfriend is in danger because of them. I am very sure she is somewhere in Johto somewhere." Eric then said "Don't worry, Mewtwo, I'll get her back here quickly.", as he put the Pokeballs on his belt, and clutching his new Keyblade. He then let out his Crobat, hopped on, and told it to fly all over Johto at a decent speed and just high enough to avoid hitting buildings. The bat Pokemon nodded, saying its name twice, and after a while, they were over Goldenrod City, and landed about a block away from the Radio tower. Eric returned Crobat to its Pokeball, and sensed Peggy was in the tower. And so, he bolted into the tower, and Team Rocket was controlling the Radio Tower. Eric then tried to go to the next floor, but a Rocket Grunt said "If you're not one of us, then LEAVE!" Eric said "And if I refuse?" The Grunt said "Then... we'll hold you hostage." Eric said "I still refuse.", and was knocked unconscious, and then woke up in the basement of the Goldenrod City Department store. Luckily, he was right next to Peggy, who said "Eric, is that you? I thought you were DEAD!" Eric saw Peggy was a Pokemon Ranger, and had a Pachirisu for a partner, and a Circle of Life Keyblade. Unfortunately, they were tied to a pole together, and Eric shouted to the guard "HEY! YOU! LET US OUTTA HERE... OR ELSE!" The guard shouted "Or else WHAT?" Eric told him "We have an army of cloned Pokemon outside, and if you don't let us go, they'll barge in and eat you alive!" Peggy said "CLONED... Pokemon?!" Eric nodded, and explained everything, including why he is still alive. The guard rushed over after he was done talking, and let them go. Eric then ran off with his girlfriend, and said "YOU FELL FOR IT!" Soon after, they hopped on Crobat, and made it to New Island. Mewtwo was there, and told them "Eric, we are now one step closer to our revenge. And Peggy, I am glad that you are alive." The Pachirisu was on Peggy's shoulder, sniffing Eric, the entire way. Eric then asked his girlfriend if she wanted to help with their revenge. She nodded, as if to say "Yes". The two then slept for the night, because it was apparently very late a night


Chapter 2

After our young avengers woke up, Mewtwo informed them of Team Snagem in Orre, and reminded them that Eric's Father, Shane Daimon, was one of them before he died. The couple then went to the Snagem Base in Orre, on Mewtwo's Dragonite. Eric told the Dragonite, "Alright, you can go back, we'll be fine." As they walked into the dilapidated base, a Snagem Grunt stopped them and said "Who ARE you, and WHAT do you want here?" Eric said "This is urgent news, and I need to speak to Gonzap about something. I am Eric Daimon, Shane's son, and my girlfriend Peggy Nohrstein." The Grunt backed away, and said "Your father was Gonzap's right hand man. Go right ahead, I'll show you the way.", they followed him to Gonzap's office, and the Grunt told the Snagem Leader "This is Shane's son and his girlfriend, and they say they have something to say." Gonzap asked Eric "How is your father, anyway?" Eric then said, sadly, "That's why I came here. He was murdered by Team Rocket recently, along with everyone else in our village except us. Without Mewtwo, my girlfriend and I would be DEAD. I bet you would like to avenge him." Gonzap was shocked, and said "Of course we will avenge him! He was my right hand man! NOBODY should mess with Team Snagem! Oh, and he told me that his people believe that every one hundred years, the legendary Pokemon would meet somewhere and talk about issues in the world. Mewtwo should know about it. Go back to New Island, and all of Team Snagem will be there when the Legendaries gather, because we want to help with your revenge." And our young avengers nodded, and went back to New Island on Eric's Crobat, and then told Mewtwo about everything, from Gonzap, to the Legendaries. Mewtwo then told them "I will send the other Legendaries a message, but it will be very hard, and I will inform Gonzap when they are here. You two need some rest. It is very late." Our couple of avengers went to bed on Mewtwo's suggestion.

Chapter 3

A week later, the Legendaries, and all of Team Snagem, arrived at New Island. Groudon then asked, "Why are we gathering so soon. It's only been NINETY years." Kyogre then nudged Groudon "Shut up, it's probably very important!" Rayquaza then flew down and shouted "EEENOOUUUUGH!" The Regis were making robotic noises, and the cuter legendaries were very confused about everything. Dialga then said "Get on with it, Mewtwo!" Palkia shouted "YEAH!" Mewtwo then explained "These horrid people who call themselves 'Team Rocket', must be stopped. Their leader, Giovanni, must perish. Their scientists created me and USED me. I want revenge. They also destroyed a human village, which is why these two human teenagers are here. Team Snagem is also here, because Gonzap found out his right hand man, Shane Daimon, was killed by Team Rocket. Together, we will put an end to Team Rocket." Darkrai then said to Cresselia "I feel sorry for Mewtwo, don't you?" Cresselia nodded slowly, and said "What kind of cruel people are Team Rocket." Giratina then said "The kind of people that deserve to DIE!"
Arceus said "Giratina, calm down." The Legendary Birds were talking amongst themselves, and said "But we don't have a plan." Raikou, Entei, and Suicune said "Ask Lugia, or Ho-Oh." Lugia said "I don't have a plan either." Ho-Oh then said "Alright, let's let Mewtwo make the plan." The Latis were flying around cluelessly. Mewtwo said "Fine then. We will invade their base that lies underneath Viridian City. Giovanni is apparently their part-time Gym Leader, Part Time Team Rocket honcho. Tomorrow, we will attack. Stay nearby to rest."

Chapter 4

The next morning, everyone teleported to the Team Rocket Base with help from Mewtwo. The Psychic Legendaries teamed up to open the door by destroying it with their psychic powers. Eric and Peggy went in. Rayquaza, Groudon, and Kyogre ate the Rocket Grunts that came out to check what. Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina used their signature attacks to create a burst of chaos, and Arceus then attacked the burst with Judgement, creating an explosion that revealed a shortcut. Pachirisu then ran ahead to see if that coast was clear, and it was. Eric and Peggy then followed Pachirisu. Pachirisu then used its Discharge attack to shut the power off. Soon before you knew it, an Officer Jenny arrived outside the base, and asked Mewtwo what was going on. Mewtwo plainly said "Just my plot of revenge against Team Rocket. Nothing to worry too much about." When Eric, Peggy and Pachirisu made it to Giovanni's office/gym, Eric and Peggy pulled out their Keyblades. Giovani had a Dark Keyblade, and said "Hrmph, I assume you are here for a reason." Eric said "I want my REVENGE!" Eric threw his Rhyperior's Pokeball, and out Rhyperior came. Giovanni said "Go, Drapion!" and out came his Drapion. Eric shouted "ROCK WRECKER, NOW!", and Rhyperior shot out a rock that killed Drapion on impact. Drapion fell down, dead. Giovanni asked if Eric wanted to join Team Rocket, and said "You seem to be a great Trainer." Eric said "NEVER! OVER MY DEAD POKEMON! YOU MURDERED EVERYONE I KNEW!" Giovanni then sent out Aggron, and Eric shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" Aggron fell into the abyss Rhyperior created, and fell dead. Giovanni was starting to get angry, and sent out his Garchomp." Eric shouted "MEGAHORN ATTACK! NOW!" Garchomp tried to dodge it, but failed miserably. Instead, Rhyperior's horn punctured Garchomp, and it went flying, and died. Giovanni sent out Banette. Eric shouted "POISON JAB!" Rhyperior's arm went right through Banette. Banette was obviously dead as soon as Rhyperior pulled its arm out of it. Giovanni then sent out Pelipper. Eric shouted "ROCK WRECKER!" Rhyperior then shot another rock, that knocked Pelipper right in the head, instantly killing it. Giovanni was really getting mad, and sent out Magmortar. Eric shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" Magmortar was now in another abyss adjacent to Aggron, dead. Eric and Peggy then beat up Giovanni mercilessly, and killed him. Mewtwo cam in and said "You have now killed Giovanni, and his Pokemon. Team Rocket probably will not come around again for quite a while, if ever." Three years later, Eric and Peggy had twins, a boy and a girl, at New Island.

The end
(PM me if you want a sequel)

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Oh for crying out loud. Do you not listen to anyone who reviews your fics?

1--The whole thing reads like a recap rather than an actual story
2--You seriously have to learn how to format. You start a new paragraph each time someone else talks, instead of cramming everything into one giant paragraph that's impossible to read.
3--Characterization is almost nil. Work on that.
4--Provide some valid reason for him to have a Keyblade. Seriously, that's completely unnecessary and makes him into a giant Sue.

 

[Terra Force]

what does everyone else think? Should I make a sequel

 

[Reed]

1--The whole thing reads like a recap rather than an actual story
2--You seriously have to learn how to format. You start a new paragraph each time someone else talks, instead of cramming everything into one giant paragraph that's impossible to read.
3--Characterization is almost nil. Work on that.
4--Provide some valid reason for him to have a Keyblade. Seriously, that's completely unnecessary and makes him into a giant Sue.

Every word of this is absolutely true. Turbo, if you're only going to allow yourself to hear positive reviews, then you'll never improve. You need constructive criticism because if you don't know what you're doing wrong, you're not likely to ever get it right.

In addition to Blackjack's comments, I'd also like to mention that revenge is a horrible motivation; it's responsible for some of the worst characters in existence. *coughsasukeuchihacough* The only worse motivation than revenge is revenge of this nature. You honestly would not believe how many stories start with a generic character's hometown being destroyed for no reason at all, prompting him to seek revenge and apparently throw morality aside to kill without restraint or a second thought, which effectively turns him into everything that he hates, but since he never realizes it, it removes even that little perk from the story.

As for the rest of it...

He then let out his Crobat[...]

Which he apparently knew that he had without Mewtwo telling him so.

[...]and landed about a block away from the Radio tower. Eric returned Crobat to its Pokeball, and sensed Peggy was in the tower. And so, he bolted into the tower, and Team Rocket was controlling the Radio Tower.

Oh, that's how he knew. He senses things. Also, the amount of times that you said 'tower' or 'radio tower' in these three sentences is staggering.

[...]and then woke up in the basement of the Goldenrod City Department store. Luckily, he was right next to Peggy[...]

How anticlimactic.

"HEY! YOU! LET US OUTTA HERE... OR ELSE!"

You know, this is rated PG-13, but this line sounds like it came straight out of a Saturday morning cartoon.

"We have an army of cloned Pokemon outside, and if you don't let us go, they'll barge in and eat you alive!"

Just like in real life.

The guard rushed over after he was done talking, and let them go.

Without doing anything to verify Eric's claims. I'll keep that in mind; the next time that I'm bound and facing impending...boredom, apparently, because it doesn't seem like there was any threat to Eric or Peggy despite the established fact that this is a merciless group of killers who would slaughter a village of people for no apparent reason, well, then I'll just threaten the guard with the clone army that I go to the store with.

She nodded, as if to say "Yes".

I've yet to meet the person who nods as if to say "No," but when I do, I'll say hi to him for you.

I'm not even going to read on to Chapter 2, and you can be sure that that doesn't bode well for a sequel.

 

[Terra Force]

What about Hamlet, or even The Lion King? Even Simba gets revenge!

 

[Reed]

You're kidding. Did you just compare your story to Hamlet and the Lion King?

Here's the difference: The Lion King opened with a good introduction to each character and clearly established Scar's antagonism toward Mufasa. Moreover, Scar had a motive, and he executed his plan brilliantly and in such a way that no one could point the finger at him, and if they did, then they wouldn't live very much longer. With that, Simba couldn't make a move, not that he had the confidence or mindset to do so if he could. It took a lot to get him to go back, and when he did, it wasn't entirely a quest for personal revenge; it was a quest to right a great wrong and free his kin from their brutal living conditions.

As for ol' Eric here, he was immediately given the means to rush in and destroy whatever was in his path without having to break a sweat. In fact, I just skimmed through the rest of it. What could possibly stand up to an army of Legendary Pokémon? You give him every advantage at every opportunity. There was never a point when it looked like he was in trouble. Simba had everything taken away from him and had to fight to earn it back. When you get right down to it, the key to every story is struggle, but in the end, there was no battle here. There was only murder.

I'm not saying any of this to be insulting, if that's what you're thinking, but I've been writing for years and I know what I'm talking about. I don't expect that you've had as much experience, and if that's the case, then you have to start somewhere and get that experience, of course. Honestly, it's not the story that annoys me so much as your refusal to accept that it's not good. This is my advice, so you can take it or leave it. It doesn't make much difference to me, either way.

 

[Terra Force]

I might make a sequel, but I'm not sure.

 

[Reed]

Rather than a sequel, I would suggest writing a new story entirely separate from this one. Sequels are rarely a good idea, especially when the original wasn't left open for one. You should also either drop the Keyblades entirely or give them more purpose. Skimming through the rest of this story, it doesn't look like anyone even used them.

Anyway, forgive me if I've come off as a bit short-tempered. I'm not trying to discourage you; only to point out what needs work so you can improve on it.

 

[Terra Force]

what about the twins Eric and Peggy had at the end of the 4th chapter three years later?

 

[Reed]

If there's something interesting for them to do, sure.

 

[Terra Force]

okay, maybe I will.

 

[Terra Force]

I'm up for ideas for a sequel

 

[Terra Force]

So just tell me. I MIGHT scrap the twins idea, make them have a daughter soon after Giovanni's death, and have Domino have a son for Giovanni at a similar time. I probably will make Domino the antagonist of the sequel.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

If you improve your writing, anything's possible.

 

[Terra Force]

Okay, but what do you think the PLOT should be for a sequel?

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

That's entirely up to you. But no Keyblades.

 

[Terra Force]

The keyblades are staying, because they will be playing a big part.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Then explain how they got there. Give a reasonable, believable, well-thought-out reason saying why a weapon from a *completely different franchise* wound up in the Pokemon world.

 

[Terra Force]

Let's just say that they were weapons created by Arceus.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Making something up would be better, but keyblades are specific to the Kingdom Hearts worlds. It'd be like if you used lightsabers, which are specific to Star Wars.