TEEN: - Complete Eric's Story (T-rated) (redone)

[Terra Force]

Prologue

Eric was your average 17 year old boy, but one day, his village in the Sevii Islands was DESTROYED by Team Rocket, everyone died except for him. Eric then was captured and enslaved, but he escaped, and has been on the run for 2 years. No one knows why they destroyed his village, but Eric wants mainly one thing with Team Rocket: REVENGE! Eric then obtained the Jungle King Keyblade, a mysterious weapon that he heard fables about when he was small. Eric also is a loyal servant to Mewtwo, who has a similar hatred for Team Rocket. Mewtwo also saved Eric's life, which is why Eric is the Genetic Pokemon's loyal servant. Eric wants to kill Giovanni, so his revenge will be complete.
Eric's older cousin is the Pike Queen Lucy, who moved to Fuschia City while Eric was a baby.
Eric obtained the Jungle King Keybalde from his father, a former Team Snagem Admin.
Eric's team, which belonged to his mother, who was a Pokemon Ranger/Trainer/Coordinator before Eric was born, is Dosaidon, Sceptile, Donphan, Kingdra, Crobat, and Gyarados


This fic begins with Eric and Mewtwo on New Island.


Mewtwo called Eric over. Eric came over and said "Yes, master?" Mewtwo told him "I heard Team Rocket has built a base on the spot where your village was. Since they are so weak, and I'm too strong for them to challenge me, and you need the training, why don't you go their and defeat them." Eric said "I will happily do so, master. This will help me with my revenge. Those scumbags are going STRAIGHT TO HELL!" Eric grabbed his Jungle King Keyblade and headed to the base.
After getting to the base, Eric encountered three grunts. They said "I heard you were coming. When we defeated you, we will train you to be the PERFECT SLAVE!" Eric said, while flipping them off "Oh, really? DAMN YOU! Come on out! Dosaidon, Kingdra, and Crobat! ATTACK" The grunts sent out Ampharos, Shiftry, and Walrein. Eric shouted "You and Giovanni are going DOWN! Dosaidon, Megahorn on Shiftry, Crobat, Sludge Bomb on Walrein, Kingdra, Ice Beam on Ampharos" The three Rocket's Pokemon were easily defeated and returned to their Pokeballs, running away like total wimps while Eric ran to the base's generator at the center. Eric then beat it up with his Keyblade to shut it down, and Eric made it out quickly before it shut down.
Eric made it back to the New Island and told Mewtwo "Master! I destroyed the base! It was easy! I shut down the generator!" Mewtwo teleported over and said "At first I regretted saving your life, but now, over the past two years, you have been a great servant to me." Eric said "Thank you, master." Mewtwo said "Just do not mention it!"

Chapter 2 willl take placethe enxt day.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Your prologue needs to be more....just MORE. Try giving us some feel rather than just coldly telling us what happened.

And really now, a keyblade? You've got to be kidding me. Where would he get an item from a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SERIES in the Pokémon world?

Seperate it into paragraphs when a new person says something.

And for god's sake, get a beta reader!

 

[Nando]

This looks strangely familiar....

First of all, there's no meat to this. It's like a burger with no beef. All we get is a quick, empty battle and a chat. You need to describe what's going on in much more detail.

Keyblade? I don't even know what that is......crossing universes is okay if done right, I guess, but I defer to Blackjack on this one.

A Ranger/trainer/Coordinator all at once? That isn't possible. The only way a Ranger could also be a trainer or coordinator would be if they used an illegal, pirated Styler that overrides the limits placed on legit ones.

Yay for Dosaidon, though.

 

[Terra Force]

Uhh I almost forgot, his mother was a Ranger when he was Eric's age, and stopped when she met his father, then, she became a regular trainer/coordinator.

 

[Terra Force]

Chapter 2

Eric woke up after a good night's sleep. Mewtwo called him, Eric said "Yes, master?" Mewtwo told him'"About your cousin.. Lucy. She must be worried about you, you should tell her you are alive." Eric nodded and went to he Battle Frontier Island. He then walked to the Battle Pike, and there was a note on the door. Our vengeful protagonist read it "If anyone want to see the Pike Queen alive, you must come to the Rocket Base near the Lake of Rage.- Giovanni, the evil Rocket leader". Eric shouted to the sky "URRRGH! SCREW YOU, GIOVANNI! MURDERER!" He then headed to Mahogany Town. He then merciless punched two guards in the face, and they were knocked into a coma. Eric then destroyed the Persian statues and defeated the Electrode that powered the base with his Dosaidon and Donphan. Then, he found Lucy, bound and gagged in a secret room. Eric untied her and took the tape off her mouth and told her "It's me, I'm ALIVE!" Lucy then headed to the Battle Pike, blowing a kiss to our young avenger. Eric then headed to New Islands. Mewtwo asked how Lucy was. Eric said "Pfft! I had to save her from Team Rocket, but otherwise, she's great!" Mewtwo nodded. Eric then went to bed for the night, as it was pretty late.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

So no one noticed that Lucy was gone? Not her faithful entourage, not anyone?

And PLEASE. That's the least descriptive battle I've ever read! Tell us what REALLY happened!

That's not a chapter. That's a summary.

 

[Daimond]

I like it!
Try and make it more stick-to-thangs-from -pkmmn.
otherwise i like it!

 

[Terra Force]

Thanks for the compliment Diamond.

 

[Swampert_Drifblim_Chatot]

i think it's pretty good, could use a little more detail, besides detail it has great potential, otherwise a great fic.
one question though, if lucy is eric's cousin, why is she blowing kisses to him?
lol

 

[Kriegsaffe No. 9]

And really now, a keyblade?

Off-topic: Keyblades bug me. Not when they're used outside of Kingdom Hearts (that's kind of annoying, though), but because they're called blades. It's pretty obvious they're clubs--none of those things look sharp. Pointy, maybe, but not a one looks like a proper blade. It's cool if someone Up There embraced a mystic bashing weapon (the better to hammer through armor and crack skulls), but for God's sake, don't call it a "blade."

 

[The Outrage]

I'm no expert, but I thought that you needed to start a new paragraph each time a different character speaks. You keep everything in the same paragraph so i have no idea who is speaking half the time.

Your chapters also seems way to rushed. You could have probably expanded it to two other chapters.

"He then headed to Mahogany Town."
You could have expanded by telling us the obstacles he went through getting there. Places he went inbetween.....

"He then merciless punched two guards in the face, and they were knocked into a coma."

Guards? Where were they? At the entrance of town?

"Eric then destroyed the Persian statues and defeated the Electrode that powered the base with his Dosaidon and Donphan. "

Now where are these persian statues? In a building? In the street? In a basement under a small pharmacy perhaps? Obviously if you played GSC you would know where, but that doesnt excuse the fact that you did not explain. What if we never played the game? Your story makes little sense as it is with the lack of depth, and just because you use existing characters and places, does not mean you should leave out a description of the setting. All I knew was that you were in Mahogany town, you didnt even mention entering a building.

Your entire Prologue could have been a Prequel to this with all the random points(yet lack of detail) you had given. There's barely any depth in characters, and I personally love seeing characters develop