EVERYONE: - Complete Finding Yourself

[pikachu_pancakes!]

This is a poem I made awhile back when I was younger (like 12) I decided to post it here. When I feel like I lose myself I re-read what I wrote and feel better. Here's a short true story.

When you move to a new school. It's hard they misunderstand you. They judge your look when they should judge your soul. You try to be like everyone else its no good it gets boring after awhile. Speaking from expierience of changing to 8 different schools. You get sad you loose yourself and your friends, you change.

You go to a new school its different. You try to fit in... Your just a clone of the ones you first trusted! Afraid to be let out you behave different. You begin to gain there trust but your not yourself. Eventually you find another side to make the right friends and settle in. But if your like me you'll move then.

Eventually, around 5 years later, your 12 looking for the person you once were. Someone outgoing, smart, friendly, fearless and who knows what leadership is. But today your the opposite. Try to be who you were. You realize there's a poisen in your head from moving! You realize your the cure, but then your only half there.

You go into the new school year make friends in your class. You realize your the same just perfect, and then, that was the past.

Note: This is very short but it's something I had to put in. The moral of the story is not to change who you were, your not going to feel any better. You should never change because of someone, only change through time. Oh and remember this was when I was 12! I know it's short though sorry... I'm not used to short stories... Anyways please rate comment yada yada you know what I like!

 

[Eliana Rampage]

First off, is this a poem or a story? It’s definitely not in a poetic structure, so I’m just wondering.

So here’s my take on this: If this is a poem, you have to make spaces after each sentence…otherwise, this just looks like a block of text.
If it’s a story, you have some incredible lines in here, but I feel like it’s missing some meat and if you added some more intensity to the mix, you’ll get a great piece of prose.

For instance, you only used about one metaphor, but in my mind, it was the most powerful part of the text: “You realize there's a poison in your head from moving!”- If you could take this, use this a model and create intense pictures like this throughout the writing, it will literally take your reader and make them feel how rejected and sad you were feeling.

Also, some grammar issues- “When you move to a new school. It's hard they misunderstand you.” What do you think about changing up the commas and periods to this? “When you moved to a new school, it’s hard. They misunderstand you.” To me, that’s a huge difference, but it’s the writers decision and I just want to give you some food for thought.

I adored the general idea of this piece- it’s not every day that we can see into the mind of a 12 year old. It’s very passionate and honest, which is wonderful. I just want to see the expansion of some of those ideas so they really come to life.

Good luck!!!

 

[pikachu_pancakes!]

Understood I guess it's a story. I never really got to editing so I should do that and expand it abit. I'll take your advice thanks! =)

 

[Baba O'Riley]

lol it does sound like a story, still is good