Garden of Legends

[AiedailEclipsed]

Hi guys, girls, anything else out there! I had never really written a Pokemon fanfic before, so this would be my first time! I had been wanting to do a story like this but this is the first time I really acted upon it! The story is... well... if I say anything I spoil it for you! But as for like a rating, it is going to be kinda bouncy, but its going to never go above PG-13 (or at least I hope not!) Also, I had this idea to where the story is going to (at certain points) have a song to go along with it, like I will find a place where you can listen to it online for free and post the link at the appropriate place, but as this is just getting started that probably won't happen for a while! Just a few other things, I create banners for each new chapter with the chapter name, the two Pokemon being featured in that chapter, ect...; however, I didn't create one with two Pokemon being featured as I created these before I got to a certain point in the story, and they are hard to make! If I think of anything else I'll edit it in later!
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This is kinda like a title page picture I created!
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I looked around the bright office, thinking to myself, how good it felt to be home again. I returned to the work at hand, at the present moment I was ordering new supplies for the store. I quickly looked at the computer screen to make sure I had no mistakes before pressing the “Complete” button. I had just finished sending an order to Silph Co. for all kinds of Poke Balls. I was just about to start filling out the form for more Evolution Stones when my Navicom started buzzing. I frowned at it, picked it up, flipped open the front screen, and held it to my ear.

“Yes, Alea, what is it?” I said straining to keep the slightly annoyed tone out of my voice.

“I’m sorry, Aria, I know you told us to only call you if it was majorly important. Well, I’m pretty sure this qualifies,” Alea said hearing my annoyed tone. I sensed that she was nervous…. scared even, it was then that I knew something was wrong. Very wrong.

“Alea, tell me! What has happened?” I said in a commanding voice. Silence inched by like years; finally she took a deep breath, and stated something so simple it made me laugh on the inside.

“We got a call from Professor Rowan, a little while ago saying it was snowing,”

“Alea, that’s hardly an emergency! It snows every day in Snowpoint!” I said taking a slightly aggravated edge into my voice. The Professor had gone to Snowpoint City to explore the Temple there five days ago; in fact, I had accompanied him there!

“But he’s not in Snowpoint anymore; he arrived in Sandgem Town this morning.”

“That’s still not a huge crisis, everywhere gets some snow every once in a while,” I said, pointing out the logical conclusion.

“Well, it is when it snowed 2 feet in little under a hour,” she said faintly, barely audible enough for me to hear. “In fact we’re starting to get some flakes here.” I must have gone silent for a while because Alea practically shouted my name, “ARYA!”

“I’ll be arriving shortly,” I said tersely before abruptly hanging up the phone. I looked around thinking about how good it would have been to actually have had a moment to settle down. I flipped the Navicom back open and tapped the phone icon on the touch screen, and dialed in Damien’s number. The phone rang several times before a man with a gentle, quiet voice answered.

“Yes, ma’am?”

“Ready the boat, we need to depart for the island immediately.” I hung up the phone, shutdown my computer, and strode out the door of my office towards the stairs leading up to my room. I walked in silence contemplating what kind of anomaly could’ve lead up to this, when I reached my room I fumbled around I my pocket for the key, and opened one of the French doors. I looked around my room, I saw my teardrop bag that had just been plopped down onto the couch, the dusty cabinetry, and the French doors set into the wall opposite this one. I ran over and flung the doors open exposing the balcony; letting my blonde hair billow around me like waves of molten gold.

I walked back over to my bag, and took out all the dirty clothes from the last excursion. Setting my bag back down, I walked over to the dresser, opened the top drawer, and pulled out several new shirts, pairs of pants, and undergarments. I put the items back into my bag and walked over to the china cabinet, opened the glass door, and started pulling out MooMoo Milk, Super Potions, sacks of berries, and a package of Poffins. I closed the door, and put those items into my now full bag. I took a Poke Ball out of the front compartment, and walked out onto the balcony.

“Go, Beauty!” I shouted into the crisp air while tossing the Poke Ball. In a flurry of white light, a slender, serpentine figure took shape. A few seconds later the light coalesced into the full form of my Milotic. “Hey, girl, I know we just got back but, it’s time for the start of a new journey.”

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So, what did you think? I would really appreciate some feedback, so, just say whatever!

EDIT:

Remembered some stuff!

Also here is a more cohesive list of what is to come:
::More chapters! (Duh!)
:review Banners (Banners with next Chapter Name & Pokemon being featured!)
::Music!
::Longer Chapters (Duh!)
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I also, need a beta, would anyone be willing?

 

[woops]

Pretty short for a first chapter, but it could turn out pretty good. Though, snowing does seem to be a small problem... Though a bit wierd for 2 feet in Sandgem. I await your next chapter/part/post.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

thanks, I absolutely HATE beginnings, I always plan all the other parts to the "t" and then the beginning ends up being suck, and believe me it looked alot bigger on Microsoft Word!

 

[woops]

That's why I just go to "Go Advanced" And preview my post. It helps with what the size seems like. Good luck on coming up with ideas for later!

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Oh don't worry about that, I just have problems with the very beginning!

Also here is a more cohesive list of what is to come:
::More chapters! (Duh!)
:review Banners (Banners with next Chapter Name & Pokemon being featured!)
::Music!
::Longer Chapters (Duh!)
~~~~~~
I also, need a beta, would anyone be willing?

 

[*Leeney*]

I'm gonna make a wild guess on what the next chapter is gonna be about. Since it's snowing and using pokemon platinum references Giratina will be mentioned? Anyway good beginning

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Actually no... and thank you!

 

[Ino-Chan]

I guess I could be a beta reader. It looks okay so far. Seems unique too.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Thanks Ino! just know that you don't have to if you don't want to! And thanks again

 

[Ino-Chan]

Nah I do.

Just pm me them or something.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Ok, it probably be the weekends when I send an update on them!

 

[Silawen]

Evening! ^^ (Well, close to morning, really, but let's not get into my unfortunate sleeping habits.) I had some spare time, so I figured I'd take a stab at reviewing your first chapter. Hopefully it'll be of help to you.

~

I looked around the bright office, thinking to myself how good it felt to be home again.

If you put a comma there, then you should be able to remove the bit between the commas and still have a workable sentence. Since it doesn't, if you remove 'thinking to myself', you don't want a comma there.

I returned to the work at hand, which at the present moment I was ordering new supplies for the store.

If you want to keep it one sentence, then you'd need the 'which' in there, because otherwise it'd be two separate sentences. Those couldn't be put together like that.

To make it work better, I'd also remove the 'at the present moment, because that would ask for even more commas and would just make the whole thing confusing.

I quickly looked at the computer screen to make sure I had made no mistakes before pressing the “complete” button. I had just finished sending an order to Silph Co. for all kinds of Poke Balls. I was just about to start filling out the form for more evolution stones when my Navicom started buzzing. I frowned at it, picked it up, flipped open the front screen, and held it to my ear.

You 'make' mistakes - or don't make them - so I think having 'made' in there works better.

Evolution stone isn't a branded name like Navicom, so you wouldn't need capitals there. No one has a patent on evolution stones. They're like gold bars, or whatnot. You wouldn't capitalize that either. ^^ Same goes for 'complete'.

Now, this paragraph shows something that a lot of people do when writing in first person. They start everything with 'I'. It's tricky to write in first person, so I commend you for trying, because of just that. It's difficult to write something that is descriptive and fun, doesn't come across as repetitive, and, most importantly, doesn't make the main character sound conceited.

In this paragraph all your sentences start with I. Try varying it a bit. Start with something else. Take the first sentence, for example. You could have said this, instead:

"Glancing at the computer screen, I looked over my work to check for any mistakes I'd made before pressing the 'complete' button."

There are numerous ways that could have started and you wouldn't have to use I all the time.

“Yes, Alea, what is it?” I said, straining to keep the slightly annoyed tone out of my voice.

Glad to see you've got the hang of direct address. Kudos on that, because it's something a lot of people get wrong.

I sensed that she was nervous… scared even. It was then that I knew something was wrong.

Ellipsis are only three dots, not four, and adding the 'it was then' sentence to the first makes it an unnecessary run-on. Breaking it in two works better I think and gives it more of an impact.

Silence inched by like years. Finally she took a deep breath, and stated something so simple it made me laugh on the inside.

I think you have a problem with when to end sentences. Here, and with the examples I pointed out before, you can't combine the two. The first sentence has already ended and has nothing to do with the second sentence, so you can't mix them like that.

'Silence inched by like years.' is a complete sentence that stands on its own. The girl taking a deep breath has nothing to do with that. They are two separate sentences that follow each other up, they don't coexist at the same time.

You do this a couple of times in the rest of the story. Seeing as you know what to look for now, you can probably find them. If not, let me know. I'll point them out. ^^

I said taking a slightly aggravated edge into my voice.

I don't think I've ever heard of 'taking a tone into my voice'. Maybe rephrase that a bit? Maybe something like 'adding a slightly aggravated edge to my voice'?

“Well, it is when it snowed two feet in little under a hour,” she said faintly, barely audible enough for me to hear. “In fact we’re starting to get some flakes here.” I must have gone silent for a while because Alea practically shouted my name, “Arya!”

We tend to write out numbers under a hundred. Also, it's not necessary to capitalize if your character is shouting. It actually comes across to me as if you're shouting at the reader instead. You're already using an exclamation mark, and you mentioned she was shouting, so we can guess she is, well, shouting this. If you want to stress it, maybe put it in italics?

I started noticing that you use 'said (name)' a lot. There are other ways to do this. You could use any speech verb that applies. 'Answered' would work great here, or 'replied', or 'countered' if she's rebuking something. (Heck, 'rebuked' works too. XD) Try to vary that, if you can. *grin*

I hung up the phone, shut my computer down, and strode out the door of my office towards the stairs leading up to my room.

You can't use 'shutdown' as a verb like that. It's separate.

Is she heading for her bedroom? This would be a great point to add some description, because I'm not seeing where she is. Is she at her house, which happens to double as an office, or does she have a room at the office instead? A bit of setting would do wonders.

I walked in silence, contemplating what kind of anomaly could’ve lead up to this, when I reached my room ad fumbled around I my pocket for the key. I opened one of the French doors with care.

I messed around with this sentence a bit, because it was a missing a comma here and there and was another one of those run-on sentences. It needed to be cut in two a bit for it work. Just a suggestion, though!

I looked around my room and I saw my teardrop bag that had just been plopped down onto the couch, the dusty cabinetry, and the French doors set into the wall opposite this one.

A teardrop bag? I have a hard time picturing that. Is it shaped like a teardrop, or does it have a teardrop pattern on it? For this sentence to work - and not be a run-on - it needs an extra 'and'.

I really liked the last couple of paragraphs, though. It misses a comma here or there, but her getting ready for her journey and calling out her milotic was a nice touch. Could have done with a bit more description, but nice nonetheless. (You have this image of her on that balcony, possibly staring out over beautiful scenery, and you didn't even describe it. I would have jumped at the chance, weird girl that I am. *laughs*)

All in all, it's good you're getting a beta. Your sentences need a bit of cleaning up now and then, especially where run-on sentences are concerned. Can't say much about the plot and characters yet, as nothing has really happened, but we'll see how that goes in further chapters. (If I have time to read it, that is.)

Well, hopefully this was useful and good luck writing!

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Hey, guys, I don't really have the time to do this particular fanfic as of late, I should presumably begin writing more maybe towards the end of summer after I tackle my other fanfic "A Fallen Star" head on! So, as of right now, if I can't delete this could a mod just close it?