HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

DerMißingno

DerMißingno

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I'm just kidding, make me laugh please. This will be the Outside the Box humor thread! Post jokes and whatnot or any kind of anecdote that isn't considered a joke but is still funny(?)!

I'll start.

Soviet jokes:

Both the constitutions of the United States and the Soviet Union guarantee freedom of speech, but only the United States guarantees freedom after speech.


Freedom of speech is the same in America as it is in Soviet Russia. In America, you could stand in front of the white house and yell "I hate Reagan!" as much as you want and you won't be arrested, just as in Soviet Russia you could stand in front of the Kremlin and yell "I hate Reagan!" and you won't get arrested.


Latvian jokes:

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.


Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?


One day, hear knock on door.
Man ask "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"
Man is very excite and opens door.
Man at door say "Just kidding, is secret police."
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

My great-great-grandfather was from Latvia, so I take offense to these jokes. >:c
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

Jack Pschitt said:
My great-great-grandfather was from Latvia, so I take offense to these jokes. >:c
Click to expand...

That makes it slightly funnier.

My old classic joke -

Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Philip Glass
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

fabfab said:
That makes it slightly funnier.
Click to expand...

Actually, my great-great-grandfather was either Polish, Italian, English, or Irish, depending on which ones you choose. So it's not that funny. :I

Here's the first joke I was ever told.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but a train goes "chew, chew".

I'm not sure if I found it funny or not the first time. If not, then I never have.
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

Jack Pschitt said:
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but a train goes "chew, chew".

I'm not sure if I found it funny or not the first time. If not, then I never have.
Click to expand...
Oh wow ... that was ... xDDDD

Here's one:
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

Clearly my humour is superior.
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

Skeleton jokes, eh?

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.


How do you feel about anti-jokes? I feel they are pretty funny sometimes.


An Irishman walks out of a bar.


What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.


Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are concepts used to represent quantity and are thus incapable of feeling fear.
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

TheMissingno. said:
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are concepts used to represent quantity and are thus incapable of feeling fear.
Click to expand...

Stupid, that's not how it goes
You really don't get this "joke" stuff, do you

Nah, man, anti-humor is the bomb.
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool.
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

How does an atheist explain science to their religious significant other?
By reenacting the big bang in bed.
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
 
Re: HA! Don't make me laugh! - Joke Thread

I think this should be a general humor thread, not just jokes. So I'll leave this here.

[video=youtube_share;CyCj9dmi5n8]http://youtu.be/CyCj9dmi5n8[/video]
 
Random Person: Five members of a British boy band got hit with a single bullet!

Me: It looks like the bullet went in......................... ONE DIRECTION!!!

(yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhh!)
 
A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic and a Satanist all go to a restaurant and have a fantastic meal and great conversation without their religious or cultural differences spoiling the afternoon out.

Then one of them doesn't tip because he's a cheap bastard.
 
fabfab said:
A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic and a Satanist all go to a restaurant and have a fantastic meal and great conversation without their religious or cultural differences spoiling the afternoon out.

Then one of them doesn't tip because he's a cheap bastard.
Click to expand...

It was the Satanist, wasn't it?
 
Some Gypsy: How did you know who was the killer?

Hunchback of Notre Dame: Let me say I have............ A HUNCH!

(yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhh!)
 
I hope it isn't sad that I'm actually laughing at some of these jokes x)

I can't remember all those simple teacher-and-student jokes, but some I remember. that most of you might already know

1.
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Student: I wake up early.

2.
Student: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but that is the lowest mark I can give you.

3.
Teacher: At least there's one good thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

...I am terrible. =w=
 
Ready for a Missingno. original?


The United States is still on the English unit system (feet, inches, miles, etc.), but a lot of people think that we should switch to metric because it is a lot more simple. Why do I think we should stick with English? Because I have a foot fetish.
 
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