• Hiya, everyone --

    Recently we've been noticing there have been a few stories here and there that have been posted without content warnings. As a reminder, we ask that every work published in our Workshop contain content warnings, even if none apply (in which case, you can just mention that no content warnings apply). You can refer to a helpful guide on how to rate your stories here, but if you need any further assistance, please feel welcome to contact a Workshop staff member! We're here to help.

    Thank you all for helping us ensure our community is a safe and healthy one, and for your continued patronage in our Library and Workshop.
  • Hiya, everyone!

    If you'd love to recieve a story of your choice, or write one for another user, please consider taking a look at our recent Writers' Workshop event announcement!

    We're all really excited to see how this fun Winter-themed gift exchange we're running will go, but we need your help! Signups end on the 6th of October, so please don't wait too long -- check out the thread linked above for more information!

    We hope to see lots of familliar and new faces around for Eiscue's Exciting Exchange!
  • Our friends at Johto Times have concluded their massive Favorite Pokémon Poll and the final results are now up. Click here if you're interested in seeing if any of your favorites made it!

'Hero of Horland'...Chapter 1

L

liquidMountain

Heir of Space
Joined
Apr 20, 2008
Messages
139
Reaction score
0
Gosh, i'm dying to make a video game of this story one day.

OK, it's called 'Hero of Horland'.

Time for chapter 1
This is the strory of a boy named Max, who was more than ordinary-he was chosen.
Of course, everyone is chosen for something-but he was chosen to be a hero.

It started after a 'normal' day of chores (which, to you would seem like a strange adventure). He didn't actually know he was a hero, but his father treated him like one.

"C'mon, hero." his father would say if something was to hard for Max.
"I know ya can do better than that." His father, the sword man as some people called him, sold weapons at a store on their island, White Island.
He spoke in a steriotypical Australian voice, and his only greeting was either "G'day" or "Hey, hero".

Max was resting at the beach with his 13 year old sister, Kiara. Max was 3 years older than her, but Kiara acted like she was 17.

Suddenly, Max saw a sword float ashore. It had a beautiful white crystal in the handle.
"Hey, Kiara."
"What?"
"Look at that sword!"
Kiara looked puzzled.
"There's no sword. What are you playing at?"
"It's right there!"
Max couldn't believe that Kiara couldn't see it. It was even shining yellow! He decided to pick it up and bring it to dad. He would be so glad, thought Max.

But as soon as Max picked the sword up, it turned fully yellow-Kiara screamed. It was carrying Max upwards. Yellow started covering Max.
That's when it happened.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Please post to say what you think. I'm going to post chapter 2 soon.
Ta-ta!
 
Okay, I like your storyline. However, there are a few...downsides.

1. Who is Max? We know that he is the son of a Weapon-maker, but what is so special about him? What does he look like? Why should you keep Max's look a secret from the reader?

2. 'Yellow started covering Max'. I can rephrase that so that it won't seem like the Pokémon Special character is having sex with Max. How about...'Max started to turn yellow...the color spread from his -body part-(I'm guessing hand?) to the other parts...'

3) Of course Kiara can't see it! If it's yellow, it would completely blend into the sand!!!

List of typos:
1) 'too hard for Max', not 'to hard for Max'.
2) 'C'mon, hero." his father would say if something was to hard for Max. "I know ya can do better than that." His father, the sword man as some people called him, sold weapons at a store on their island, White Island.' not 'C'mon, hero." his father would say if something was to hard for Max.
"I know ya can do better than that." His father, the sword man as some people called him, sold weapons at a store on their island, White Island.'
 
Fine, a decription of Max, his dad, and Kiara just for you. T_T

Max: Max wore a black, unzipped jacket over a white shirt that had a black circle in the centre. His light grey, baggy pants were almost covered in zip-up pockets. It was usually easy to tell when he was relaxed because he would comb his hand through his yellow hair.

'Sword man': He was tough-looking, but not so much that he looked like he could lift his whole shop up with one hand. His hair was grey, but there was still a suprising amount of it. He usually wore a different shirt everyday, but it was always yellow.

Kiara: She looked like a girl taken right out of an anime dance video. Her long, brown hair was the only thing that was the slightest bit different. She almost always stayed in her school clothes, and when Max asked why, she just said:"I don't care about fashion." and she would walk away.


And now, some things I didn't mention-
1.The beach is called white beach because the sand is white.
2.Kiara couldn't see the sword because only the 'chosen one'(max) can see it. It is invisible before anyone touches it.
 
No, I'm thinking Optimus35 meant that you should, within your story, describe all of you characters. You've gotta show what's happening, not just tell it. Make us feel like we're there, describe everything. Kinda like this:

As Max drew the blade up from the sand, the gleaming yellow sheen grew even more yellow. While Max continued to stare at the blade, Kiara screamed. Max's feet were no longer on the ground; the sword was carrying him into the air! He flailed his legs about, but kept a tight grip on the sword, knowing that if he let go, he would plummet to his death.

Kinda like that. Show, don't tell.
 
Precisely what I wanted to say. Also, try making your storyline a little longer? I mean,
"C'mon, hero." his father would say if something was to hard for Max. "I know ya can do better than that!"
Click to expand...
and then after that, you're at the beach. Seriously. That's too fast paced. Max is bored. Make the description slow...create the mood...

Max tossed plate after plate into the sink. Time seemed to slow just to torture him. The water sloshed around in a plate as he tossed it onto the pile. He looked at it and sighed. After what should have been half an hour (but was only a minute), he had done five plates...with almost a thousand left to go.

"C'mon, hero," laughed Max's father. Max immediately rolled his eyes...his father always said that to make him do his chores. "You can do far bettah that THAT..." Almost immediately, a plate slipped off the pile and crashed to the floor, breaking into a thousand pieces. Max looked angrily at it.

"I'll be at the beach..." he muttered, hands gripped into a fist. He then walked out, not realizing that was the worst decision he had ever made...
Click to expand...

Perhaps something like that. After all, you never mentioned why he was at the beach. That makes the 'chores' part redundant (useless). Also, the beach part. His sis is being a pain in the neck and the world is against Max. Change the mood...

Kiara lay on her hammock, wearing her pink swimsuit. It was not very revealing, yet not too boring. That's how Kiara does things. She was not very girly, yet not tomboy. However, as all sisters are, they were always irritating.
"Hey, what happened?" she asked. Max looked at her.
"Nothing much," Max replied. Kiara sighed.
"Chores again?" Kiara smiled at him.
"Yeah..." Max forced a return smile. Kiara realized her brother was upset, so she got up and faced him. Despite being three years younger, she acted like the older sibling.
"You look tired, bro," Kiara said. Her voice wasn't very seducing...but it was creepy. Suddenly, Max noticed the waves getting higher. They rose five meters into the air. Immediately, Max pushed Kiara onto the white beach (The island isn't called White Island for nothing) and protected her as the waves crashed down on them. Though the impact was strong enough to kill both of them, they were unharmed. Not even a scratch.
"Thanks?" said Kiara. Max was just looking ahead. A yellow sword lay in the sand. It had a handle of gold and a crystal lay in the middle of it. Kiara slipped out form underneath Max. "Hello???"
"See that sword?" Max said. Kiara turned.
"What sword?"
"It's right there! Can't you see?" Max grabbed it to show Kiara, but the sword lit up. The yellow began to spread from the sword to his arms, then his torso, and so on. Kiara screamed as the yellow spread all over Max...
Click to expand...

Gah, I completely rewrote your story...
 
Last edited:
I have to agree with Blaziken and Optimus. This wasn't so much a chapter as it was a few lines of text that didn't really have any connections with each other. It lacks everything save the most basic of descriptions (and even that isn't there entirely).

You need to make your chapters longer, make it chock-full of description, work on your pacing, and above all else give it some flow.
 
That's how I manage to get more that 80% for my compositions in school. Description and the Manual of Style (WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL IS THIS DOING HERE?) are your best friends. And, uh, as for why they weren't harmed, I added that so that you could see that Max already had the power. His fierce will to protect his sister managed to protect them both (Yes, I know. PMD 2).

Ultimately, your story needs life. Everyone seems so emotionless. Even Dad (No surprise there, typical stereotype dad). Also, I could add to why Max is so upset...his mother died.
 
If you know me,(which you don't) you would think all that is offensive to me. But, for once, i'm taking it like advice.:)
 
Yeh, i'm used to people saying 'That's not offensive!' and stuff like that to me.

Used to happen to me all the time.
 
It wasn't meant to be offensive. It was meant to be criticism. They're two different things.

As for your story, I have to give you a 4.99/10. As for your attitude, a 10. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
 
Follow the sage advice, PatrickLovesBlaziken, and you might be a successful fic author. Or, you can become another Turbo and completely ingnore it.
 
Please note: The thread is from 17 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
Back
Top Bottom