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COMPLETE: Imitator

hopeandjoy

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New one-shot, hooray! It’s based off of Imitator by Len Kagamine. It can be found at www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZmPCeyqPaw.

Disclaimer: No ownage. Shocking, eh?

Imitator
Hibiki breathed in and out slowly. It was late at night at National Park. The Hoothoot were out hooting, along with any of the Bug Pokémon still awake at this hour. Vulcan, his Typhlosion, slumbered next to him, and every so often Hibiki would reach over and scratch him behind the ears.

Hibiki couldn’t bring himself to smile, despite the beauty and serenity of the park. No, not even the full and shining white moon above him could wow him and lure him to sleep. Hibiki removed his cap and ran his fingers through his messy hair before replacing it. No, the moon didn’t, couldn’t help. I couldn’t help because he knew the falseness of it.

If he closed his eyes, he could imagine the zeros and ones that made up everything, even himself. If he closed his eyes, he could almost see the girl he replaced. Sure, Hibiki knew nothing of her, but he had heard the stories and seen pictures that the Player had told him and shown him.

The Player… She was very pretty and nice to boot, too! Okay, so he never saw her so he couldn’t say she was pretty, but still! Oh sure, she could be a potty mouth at times, but she always seemed to know what she was doing. She knew what attacks to learn, what Pokémon to use, and what attacks to use. The Player always had a plan, no matter how flimsy it was.

There were other things about her that Hibiki loved too. The Player always had some sort of music playing, or she was mumbling about something or another. Some video game or anime he’d never heard of, the background of her stories, little things like that that other people would find strange. Heck, once she had gone off on a long rant about her homework!

Hibiki blushed. Not that it matters, he thought. He stared harder at the moon and its artificial light. I wonder… What is real light like? There was so much that he didn’t know that he wanted to know. The changing of the seasons, other countries, real people, well, other than the Player that is, they were strange and wondrous things to Hibiki.

The way the breeze felt, the roaring of the ocean these were the things that he wanted to know. He wanted to feel the water over his feet. He wanted to see those “animals” of the Player’s world. He wanted to know its history, its wonders, its follies, everything and anything about that world, good and bad. To know, see, hear, feel, taste, smell, touch… That’s what he truly wanted.

Hibiki hadn’t always been this way; he knew that without a doubt. He had begun as a simple puppet. Go this way, now that way. Capture this Pokémon, train this one. Use this move, forget this one. A tap of a stylus, a press of a button and he would do as he was told. He didn’t care. Hibiki was happy if the player was happy. He was programmed that way, after all.

He guessed that the Player had put so much of her soul into him that he grew his own. Hibiki started to find himself disagreeing with the Player’s choices at times, feeling down when he shouldn’t ever have, and becoming attached to the Player. Too attached, that is.

He was made to imitate a human being, but he had slowly become one. Hibiki choked on his own breath. All I want is for you to notice me… But how could the Player notice Hibiki? He couldn’t talk, and even if he could, how would the Player hear him? How could she possibly ever return Hibiki’s feelings for her?

Hibiki sat up and drew his legs up, hugging them tightly. All I can do is keep battling well… Battling… Isn’t that what he always did? Still, the Player was happy when Hibiki battled well. She always had been.

All Hibiki wanted was for her to smile, for when the Player smiled… That was the time Hibiki was sure that she was the most beautiful. It had to be.

I wish I could speak. I want to tell her that “I am here.”

Hibiki blinked, once, twice. Was that me? He tried to say it louder. “I am here,” he said, this time more strongly.

Yes, that was him. Hibiki looked to the sky. “I am here!” he shouted. “I am here!

I AM HERE!

Silence was his only reply. Hibiki’s eyes felt oddly heavy. “Please, Player… I am here. Why won’t you please reply to me? I just want to talk to you!”

Something wet dripped down his cheeks. “But there aren’t any clouds…” he muttered, voice hoarse, and his throat scratchy. Maybe the wetness had something to do with the heaviness in his chest…

Tiny pinpricks of light shone in the blackness of the night. If Hibiki remembered correctly, they were called stars. Hadn’t the Player once said that is you made a wish on the first star you saw that you saw that night, your wish would come true?

Hibiki gazed at the new stars before releasing his legs so he could fold his hands. He closed his eyes and began his wish. “Please… Arceus, Jirachi, whoever’s out there… Hear this wish…

“I wish that I could have a human body! I want to know what it’s like! I want to be real, to be loved! I know that this wish is probably impossible, but I’m begging you to make this so!

“Because… I can’t live this way forever…”

But until then… Player… I’ll keep battling for you.



As I sing, imitating humans,
A heart grows inside of me.
Therefore, even though I have no physical form,
Let me continue to sing for your sake…
 
My review:

Plot: N/A

Character: I like Hibiki, I like the way he has so many emotions filling him but The Player doesn't recognise them. I like that The Player is so brilliantly described my Hibiki's thought that's it's as if she's there.
7/10: What I got was good but I'd like more!

Punctuation: Almost perfect, there was an instance that I noticed in which you forgot to end speech but that's hardly something to go OTT about.
9/10

Spelling: I couldn't find anything wrong.
10/10

Grammar: Impeccable
10/10

Execution: Your decription was brilliant, not too much, not too little. To quote Goldilocks 'Just right!' There were some moments in which you slipped into an informal writing style, it was a but sudden and I generally tend to dislike informal writing anyway so I'd pick up on it more than others.
9/10 Your only fault here were those informal slips.

Originality: Very original, I found it without clichés and your story had a unique charm to it that I found good
10/10

Final Score: I found the premise wonderful and your execution nigh-flawless but there were a few minor slips. Maybe one too many to be a 10 so:
9/10 I found this a pleasure to read. Keep up the good work! (And maybe make it a bit longer next time.)
 
Thank you for the review and your kind words about my story. The places where I didn't put end quotation marks is correct, however. When you go to a new paragraph, you use the opening quotation mark until the character is finished speaking. Or at least, that's what I've always read.

The slipping between informal and formal is sorta my style, but I understand it's not for everyone.

I'll try to make it longer, but my writing always ends up short. I run out what I want to write and I don't want to stretch the story too long. And I swear that it was two pages front and back when I wrote my rough draft!
 
Please note: The thread is from 16 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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