Johto Falls

[Dragoon Rider]

Rated PG 13, It doesn't seem ;ike that now, but later it does. So I advise not to get to hooked... IF it gets that way.

Johto Falls, beware, gore, and possibly killing may go on later along the lines.
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Nick
Shiny Eevee
Larvitar

Diana
Torchic
Shiny Beldum
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Chapter One, Start of a Journey
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"Nick!"

His mother called out from the bottom of the stairway. The echo rang throughout his ears. Nick awoke with a slight jump out of his bed, put on his clothes, and rushed down the wooden staircase, which was his normal routine.

But today wasn't a normal day, today was the day he turned 11, the age his mother would let him go on a journey through Johto. "Oh, Professor Elm came by earlier. He said to Newbark Town, for he wanted to see you." his mother told him.

Nick lived in Cherrygrove, the city of flowers. "Don't forget to stop by the repair shop while you're there. I don't want to take an unneeded trip there. Oh, and be careful, because there are wild pokemon about. Go through cut path, pokemon don't go through there." his mother told him, not wanting him to go.

Then, tears began to fall from here eyes. "Um, Mom, I'll be okay, you don't have to worry so much. And besides, I'll get a pokemon from Professor Elm while I'm there, since I can get one." he told the sad mother, who didn't want her little boy to go.
He gathered his things, and got his pokeballs, because he was prepared when he was 10, but his mother wouldn't let him go, afraid that he woud get hurt. As he went towards the door, his mother stopped him one last time. "Um, here, its our family good luck charm." Then, she held out her hand, and revealed a Draco Plate. "Legend says, that the legendary pokemon, Arceus, once used this."

He went out the front door, and ran into his nieghbor, Diana, going in the same direction. "Hey Nick! Are you going to the professor's lab as well?" the blond hair girl asked him. Nick's jet-black hair waving as the wind picked up. "Ya, he told my mom I had to..." he stopped speaking for a loud siren went off, as they were in Newbark Town, for Route 29 was very short.

"Get to the lab, NOW!" he heard a lot of shouting. Whenthey got to the professor's house, which was also his laboratory. A robber came by, pushed the two kids down, and ran off, with three pokeballs in hand. Then, another person came up to him, but he wore a blue uniform. "Hi, are you kids alright?" the police officer asked them.
"Uh, were okay. What happened?" Diana asked the man in blue. "Well someone broke into the professor's lab, and stole his pokemon." the oficer told the children, who finally got up. Then the two children went into the lab to see Professor Elm.

"Oh, um, who's that> I can't really see without my glasses. Is that another robber. if it is, I don't have anything, you missed out." the confused professor told them. Diana and Nick exchanged looks, then looked at the confused man, who was in a labcoat. Then, whe felt around the table, then found his glasses. "Oh, it's you two. Thank you for coming. Unfortunatly, the robber took my usual starter pokemon, but I have planned for starter pokemon to run out eventually. Her you go, inside are two pokemon some of my accomplices send me every now and again for research. You can chose from these pokeballs!" He laid out on the table 3 pokeballs. "One from each regeon, oh, and here is one right here in Johto!" he said, putting out a fourth pokeball.

"I choose this one!" Diana said, putting her hand to a pokeball. She pressed the button and out came a happy little Torchic! "Aw, he's so cute!!" she shouted. "Why, that's a Torchic, it comes from the Hoenn regeon. Prfessor Birch sent it to me." Professor Elm told them. Then Nick streched out his hand, his hand catching a pokeball, and he presses the button on the strange, blue pokeball. "I choose this pokemon." he told the researcher of eggs, for that was this professor's job. A jumping pokemon came out, with a bushy tail and mane. It wasn't the normal color of an Eevee though, for it was silver.

"Oh, that Eevee is special. It has an alternate coloration called being shiny. It comes from the Kanto regeon, where Sam Oak's lab is." he told them, "You know, I like you two. go ahead and take the other two. There are soem devious tranier's out there. You'll need protection." Then he gave them two more pokeballs. In Nick's, there was another pokemon standing in front of him. It was a Larvitar. And inside Diana's, was a alternate coloured Beldum. "You see, you two must help me in my research. I'm investigating the alternate coloured pokemon, and how they are that way. You got those pokemon for a reason. Oh and uh, where did I put your pokedexes?" he asked them.

The funny thing was, it was in his back pocket. He felt around his pants, front pockets, then back. He found them, and pulled the red electronic devices out. "Here, this will help you." he handed the devices to the children. "Good luck on your journey!" he called out before the two started out the door, their journey through Johto just beginning...
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Okay, this is my first fan-fic, and I need some tips. Criticism is accepted. I will need improvment. Be honest! I hope this will bbe a good, and well read fic. Also, its not very err, gory and killy, but later on it does get that way...

 

[Every Breaking Wave]

A PG-13 rating should be fine for now, though you might want to up it later on depending on how gory it gets (though that usually won't stop anyone from actually reading it!)

It's not a bad start for your first fanfiction. There were some silly typos here and there ("here eyes" for example), and your word choice could have been a bit better; "He said to Newbark Town, for he wanted to see you" is a good example for that. What is it that Professor Elm said? Writing it as "for he wanted to see you" comes across very awkwardly, especially since it's part of a conversation. People don't normally speak that formally. Your characterization needs a bit of work too. There wasn't much description to go along with the dialogue, so its hard to get a feel for the characters right now.

Pacing seems to be a bit of an issue too. Nick seems to have basically stepped outside his front door, said hi, and then he's in another town. The scene with the robber also went by much too quickly for my liking. For what I assume will be the start of a major plot point in the story, it all seemed a bit anti-climactic.

Plot-wise it's a bit difficult to tell; you seem to have a good plan in mind and it looks to be fairly interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens as this story develops. If you keep an eye out for the typos and work a bit more on the pacing and characterization, I'm sure this will turn out to be a great story

 

[Dragoon Rider]

A PG-13 rating should be fine for now, though you might want to up it later on depending on how gory it gets (though that usually won't stop anyone from actually reading it!)

Ok, ya, I kind of realize this. it doesn't stop me from reading fic.

It's not a bad start for your first fanfiction. There were some silly typos here and there ("here eyes" for example), and your word choice could have been a bit better; "He said to Newbark Town, for he wanted to see you" is a good example for that. What is it that Professor Elm said? Writing it as "for he wanted to see you" comes across very awkwardly, especially since it's part of a conversation. People don't normally speak that formally. Your characterization needs a bit of work too. There wasn't much description to go along with the dialogue, so its hard to get a feel for the characters right now.

I'm working on that. Now I know to take a little more time on writing.

Pacing seems to be a bit of an issue too. Nick seems to have basically stepped outside his front door, said hi, and then he's in another town. The scene with the robber also went by much too quickly for my liking. For what I assume will be the start of a major plot point in the story, it all seemed a bit anti-climactic.

I know. I should have been more careful. I mean 'He was in Newbark Town because route 29 was a very short route.' isn't to ood. But theres a little more backstory to it.

Plot-wise it's a bit difficult to tell; you seem to have a good plan in mind and it looks to be fairly interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens as this story develops. If you keep an eye out for the typos and work a bit more on the pacing and characterization, I'm sure this will turn out to be a great story :

Ok, well thanks! I'm glad someone finally siad something, because I need to really improve. Glad to have one reviewer for this.

Chapter 2 will be out in about one week, maybe less, if I get the lines for it ready.

 

[The Golden Tyranitar]

I don't really know what to make of this.
Seems like an average first chapter to to an average journey fic.
But the potential for a really good original fic is there.
The characters seem a touch emotionless,but I'm sure that will be cleared up in later chapters.
I also notice a few minor grammar mistakes,but I won't go into those.
RATINGS
Spelling/Grammar:8/10
Plot:6.5/10
Character stuff(Emotions and such):4/10
Anticipation:9/10
Overall:7/10

 

[Dragoon Rider]

I don't really know what to make of this.

Ya, the First Chapter of something, you never know what to do with it. Hopefully, later on, things will get cleared up.

Seems like an average first chapter to to an average journey fic.
But the potential for a really good original fic is there.

Thanks, most journeys start out as 'I walk out the door, I go see the professor, and Im done for this part.' Hopefully, I did better than normal journey start outs. Also, thanks. I already have an idea what my ending will be like.

The characters seem a touch emotionless,but I'm sure that will be cleared up in later chapters.
I also notice a few minor grammar mistakes,but I won't go into those.

Ya, I'm still working on Character developement. I should probably revise before I post things. Their emotions get WAy more relized later on.

RATINGS
Spelling/Grammar:8/10
Plot:6.5/10
Character stuff(Emotions and such):4/10
Anticipation:9/10
Overall:7/10

I must say, those are pretty good ratings. Except for the emotions, and plot. But, its the beginning, nothing REAL exciting happens.

So, Chapter 2 will be out sooner than I thought. It will be out by Thursday, on latest. Got done early. So ya.
~Darkrider

 

[Dragoon Rider]

Chapter 2 is here, for my readers out there, if you actually read this, you won't need to have an update of pokemon, so I won't.

Chapter Two, The Thief King Awakens
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"Ahhhhhhhhh!" Nick heard a cry from the Pokemon Center of Newbark Town. Of course, he was in it, so he checked it out.

Nothing here, but it looks like a shadow is over there. I will look areound and... "Ahhhhhh!" Diana screamed.

"Whats wrong Diana?!" Nick shouted at her. He didn't have a good temper, and it was very short. She was combing her hair and then spoke.

"I'm all out of hair dye! How will I get my hair from looking grey. I need to get a head start, so I will never get bald, or grey hair. For your information." she told him, in her usual morning sassyness.

"Forget about your stupid hair dye for one second will ya?! We need to get out of Newbark Town. Professor Elm told me last night that there were many thieves in the Johto region. They will want our pokemon." Nick told her. He didn't like this town, ever since that thief ran him and Diana over yesterday.

Just then a siren went off. Oh great, another thief. What's he gonna steal this time. The professor is all out o' pokemon. Wait a second... Nick thought. It then occured to him, that the thief may want Professor Elm himself! "Diana, forget about your hair, Professor Elm is in trouble. Hurry!" he shouted at her. She got out of her bed, put on her shoes, and sent out her Beldum and Torchic.

"Bel, bel, Beldum." "Torchic, tor!" her two pokemon shouted as they came out of their pokeballs. As they went out of the pokemon center, they saw a huge truck outside the lab of teh professor.

"Don't worry, we're on our way!" Nick shouted at the giant truck. Then, Professor Elm came out of his lab, which was also his lab, and went into the back of the truck. He saw a thief running behind him, telling him to hurry, because the police would be there soon.

The truck drove off, as fast as it could. Before they left, Nick made out of a name, before they ducktaped his mouth. 'Ouranus', no wait, that wasn't it. Oh, I remember it was 'Caleb.' Nick thought to himself. Then he he pounded his fists on the stick covered ground, his hands bleeding from the huge twigs.

"No, why, it should have been me!" he shouted out into the air. Then, a strange pokemon came out of the brush, and licked his hands. It was trange, because it had a leaf on its head. Then, Nick brought out his pokedex, and it said aloud, "Chikorita, the Leaf Pokémon. Chikorita emits pleasant aromas from the leaves on their heads and they love to sunbathe."

"So thats a Chikorita, the Johto starter pokemon. Maybe the thief forgot it, or this little guy escaped." Nick said to himself. Diana was looking at the strange, new pokemon.

"Hey there cutie! We may not know each other, but we will be close friends. You wanna know why? Becuase I'm gonna catch you! Torchic, use Ember on that pokemon, now!" she said, smiling, and then ordering the chicken pokemon. Fires shot out of the Torchic's mouth, burning the Chikorita. "Haha, yes, burn baby, burn! Ahahahaha, yes burn you supid little Chikorita, thats what you get for bothering me!" she told the grass type pokemon, who's leaf on its head was on fire.

"Chiko, chiko, chiko, chiko, Chikorita!" it was crying.

"Poor thing, come here little guy. Diana, what the hell, why would you do that?! Come here. I'll put some Burn Heal on that leaf. That will get it all better." The leaf pokemon was walking towards Nick. Then, it began to cry. Nick piched the pokemon up, and tears fell on his shoulders.

"Its okay. She won't hurt you. I have you now, in the good way." the Burn Heal was beginning to spray on the leaf. It cried out, but stopped, knowing it would heal soon. Later, Nick set it free, and he and Diana set out for Route 29.

"Why didn't you let me catch it? Or at least you catch it. All pokemon need to be captured!" she said, jumping up and down.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" the two of them screamed at once. "Its, its, its the truck from New, new, Newbark Town! Ahhhhhh!" the two screamed, then ran for the exit, but another truck was blocking the way. Then, a huge, buff guy came up to them.

"You are those kids I squished the other day, ayup. Give me your pokemon, or else." the man, known as Caleb, from what Nick could infer was his name, told them.

"What if we say no?" Diana asked, being her stupid, ignorant self.

"Diana, why don't we give the nice man our pokemon, and just go, okay?" he said, not opening his teeth to say anything. Then the thief brought out his gun. The two handed over the pokeballs as soon as they got sight of the artillery weapon.

"Bye, guys. See you whenever!" Diana cried out. With her stupidness, she had no idea what was going on. She thought he was a nice old man, taking their pokemon for a training trip. The truck drove off as soon as possible, with their pokemon inside.

Then, Nick began to loose hope. He pounded his fists on the ground, and thanks to the twiggy surface, his hands bleed some more. Then, a leafy head poked out of the bushes nearby. Along with it, came a lonely Spearow. "Hey, guys, wait, what?"

"Spearooooow!" "Chiko." they shouted, nodding their heads.

"Okay, thanks for the help. Diana, are you in?" he asked the girl, who was wandering. "Diana, catch that freaking Spearow, since you want a new pokemon so damn bad!" he yelled at her, because she wasn't paying attention, as usual. Then he whispered to her. "Diana, do you want a pokemon?" She nodded. "Well, catch that Spearow with a pokeball. Got it?" he asked her. She nodded, brought out a pokeball, and brought him in.

"We'll be good uh, people. Right?" she asked the now enclose pokemon.

"Chikorita, come in this pokeball, and be my slave! Ahahahahaha. Just kidding, but we'll travel together." he told the Chikorita before he put it in the pokeball. "Lets go save our pokemon!" Nick shouted out into the air. With his new pokemon, he believed he could save them.
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Okay, that ends Chapter Two, The Thief King Awakens

Critism is accepted, I need to become a better writer. Hopefully, this cleared things up a bit, suck as character personalities and such. Please Review it, not just read, but review I need to become better.

 

[White Len]

I'm more concerned about why your characters both have shiny Pokemon, but I'll let it slide and pretend it's a plot point that will be used later on. Your grammar is quite good, on the other hand. Also, I have no idea what is going on when they encounter the thief. Do they hand over all their Pokemon? Or do they just give one? Also, a gun is not an artillery weapon, it's just a gun. Artilleries shoot much bigger bullets. The description is really lacking, causing many questions to pop up.

Either that or I just suck at reading. =P

 

[Shadow Lucario]

Ok, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. The grammar sucks, the description sucks, and the characters suck. Almost everything about it sucks. The story is rushed, the characters have no personality. All they do is shout. Their interactions with each other aren't good at all. There is very minimal description of people, places, or Pokemon. When there is description it listy and just horrible. Did you even read this when you finished typing it or did you just type it in the new thread box?

I suggest either making some major improvement before the you type the next chapter or scrap this entire thing and try a few months later. Check out my fan fiction for examples. The banner in my signature is a link as well.