EVERYONE: Journeys of a Rocket (Chapter 3 up!) update 7/18/11

[Kantomasta]

Hey guys, i have a fic that i got some really good input on when i mentioned the ide. So...Her you go!

1: The Start​

It was a nice day in New Bark town It was sunn, and two young boys were starting there journey.Little known to anybody, one would take the path of good, the other, evil.

We are going to follow Cliff Griffies, one of these boys... "Bag, Pokegear, pokedex, pokeballs, all set!" Cliff said with a smile. He looked up into the mirror and saw a boy with black hair, green eyes, blue jacket, red t-shirt, and jeans. He looked back down and finished tying his sneakers. Lastly, he put on his baseball cap right as the bedroom door opened. In walked a box with legs. Cliff had to smile at this, as he knew who the legs belonged too. He grabbed the box and set i on the bed.

Lan Hikomori had brown hair that was kept short, He wore a green T-shirt and jeans. "Elm said there are two pokemon and ten potions. He also said heis sorry he couldnt be here." Lan explained.

"Oh well, too bad, lets just see 'em," Cliff said. He opened the box and pulled out a pokeball.

"I dont get a say in it?" Lan asked with a smile as he grbbed the other pokeball. They both threw the red and white spheres into the air. Out of them came a small dog like creature with flames, and a blue crocodile pokemon. Cyndaquil and Totodile.

"Hey, you got the type advantage!" Cliff exclaimed and then motioned to the door. "I dont care, i can still beat you in a battle!" Cliff exclaimed as he scooped up half the potions and ran outside. Lan ran to catch up.

After arriving in Cliff's huge backyard, the battle was on. "Go Cyndaquil, go Totodile! the boys shouted, "Tackle!" Ciff shouted. Cyndaquil ran forward and hit Totodile hard enough to knock him backwards.

"Scratch!" Lan commanded. Totodile's claws grew and slashed Cyndaquil, kncking him down. After a while of this, Cliff had an idea. Totodile ran forward for another scratch...

"Roll Over!" Cliff yelled. Cyndaquil managed to roll just in time for Totodiles claws hit the ground. Totodile made to turn, but his claw was stuck in the ground. "Now tackle for the finish!" Cliff yelled. Cyndaquil made his flames flare, just to show off. He then ran forward, hitting totodile hard enough to break him out of the ground and hit a tree.Cliff smiled, seeing Totodile knocked out.

Lan returned Totodile and Clif returned Cyndaquil. Little did they know, they were being watched. On the hill, a man talked into a walkie-talkie. "Boss, they are ready" he said.

Who is this man??
What paths will the boys take????
Will totodile heal??
Find out this and more in the next chapters! Read on for more!!

So what do you guys think?

 

[brickwork]

Re: Jouney's of a Rocket

It is a bit short, with grammar and spelling errors, but it is alright so far. I like your writing style, it is very interesting. But "Journey's" in the title should be Journies.

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: Jouney's of a Rocket

ok thank. Its been awhile since i wrote so i will hope to improve on those.

 

[Marcat]

Re: Journies of a Rocket

Alrighty... I'll be a little honest with you because I want you to get better as you write. I also realize that this is just the beginning and that the story is very likely to change, but I'll judge what I see.

The beginning is a little generic. The kids got their pokemon, they have their first battle yada yada. I can see your trying to remain faithful to the games (and there is nothing wrong with that) but sometimes a little touch from you here and there can really make a story come to life. What I see is good, but not mind-blowing.

Its also a good idea to spell-check and read what you've got a few times before posting. I see alot of typos and grammar errors that can easily be fixed. If you had just gave it a quick read out loud you would've seen them. The most notable is the misspelling of "Journeys".

Then again, this is the beginning and I know better than anyone that the first chapter is never the standard for what comes next. So keep on writing and I'll be following this story.

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: Journies of a Rocket

Ok thanks for the advice Jinoga. And just to warn everybody teh first three chapters are going to be VERY GENERIC. I will post chapter 2 tomorrow. And Jinoga, i have to point this out,

The most notable is the misspelling of "Journeys".

is what you said and thats how i had it, but Teddiursaring said

But "Journey's" in the title should be Journies.

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: Journies of a Rocket

ok, i know its later than i said it would be, but it is here! oh, and like i said before, the first 3 chapters are VERY,VERY generic.

2: New 'Mons​

A day after their first battle, the boys set off onto route 1. They saw many pokemon, but didn't catch them. Not until the end of the route anyway. At the end, a Rattata jumped out at Lan. There was a flash of purple, then a rat standing in front of the boys, ready to fight. "i have this," Lan said. He took Totodile's pokeball off of his belt. "Go, Totodile!" lan exclaimed. A red beam shot from the sphere and the blue crocodile appeared.


Cliff stepped back and sat down to watch. "Scratch!" Lan ordered. Totodile's claws grew and he ran forward, slashing the Rattata. The Rattata rolled, then stood up and ran forward for a tackle. instead of dodging it, Totodile opened its mouth and water shot out. The suddeness of the attack surprised everyone and knocked the Rattata out. “You learned water gun!” Lan exclaimed.


Lan reached into his pocket and pulled out a pokeball. He chucked the shpere at the Rattata, and it bounced off of the rat. The pokeball sucked in the Rattata and started shaking. Once……twice…….three times! The Rattata was caught. Lan ran over, pounding his fists into the air.


“Nice job,” Cliff said, walking over from his spot. Lan smiled the biggest smile he had ever smiled in the whole ten years they had known eachother. “Cherrygrove city is up ahead, we can heal there,” Cliff said. Lan returned Totodile and the duo set off….

After a quick visit to the local pokecenter, the boys were off. As they got onto route 2, Lan looked at Cliff. “Hey Cliff, can I ask you something?”


“Sure,” replied Cliff.


“Well, dosen’t it seem like we are rushing our journey?”


“It does a little, but that must be our destiny”


“I guess. That would be funny, maybe there is someone out ther controlling everything we do,”


As the boys walked it became silent. As they came into view of the Violet city gate, a yellow sheep ran in front of them, Mareep. “Step aside, this one’s mine,” Cliff said. He released Cyndaquil and both pokemon prepared themselves. “Tackle!” Cliff commanded. Cyndaquil ran forward, then stopped halfway. He shot some fire off his back at the Mareep, ember. Mareep was hurt, but he didn’t let it slow him. His fur made static, then hit Cyndaquil with a thundershock. Cliff then formed a plan in his head. “Cyndaquil, climb the tree!” he yelled, motioning to one of the many trees surrounding them. Cyndaquil barely made it, but he got to the lowest branch before the Mareep, who was stuck on the ground.


Cliff smiled, the Mareep fell for it. “Ember your feet!”. Cyndaquil was obviously confused, but he followed his masters orders. The flames burned the branch off the tree. The branch and Cyndaquil fell, right onto Mareep’s head. Mareep was knocked out Cold. Cliff just simply walked over and set the pokeball on Mareep. The pokeball shook three times and stopped. The Mareep was caught!

 

[Marcat]

Re: Journeys of a Rocket (Chapter 2 up!)

Alright, since you mentioned that these chapters are going to be generic, I'll turn a blind eye.

Good chapter overall. I'm getting the sense that you're building a base or foundation for the story later on. If so, good job. Also, it may be a good idea to lengthen those chapter a little, they're simply too short.

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: Journeys of a Rocket (Chapter 2 up!)

Here it is, after a way longer then needed break!

3: The Gym

After much excitement about the new team members, the boys decided to call It a night. Walking into the pokecenter, the boys saw another boy around their age with blue hair. He was getting three pokeballs for Nurse Joy. "Hi," Cliff said. The boy nodded his thanks to Joy and turned around.

"Hi, I’m Falkner, the flying type master and gym leader of this town," Falkner replied. "If you will excuse me, I have to get back to the gym, feel free to drop by for a challenge if you like, you two look like trainers." And with that, he was off.



The Boys gave Nurse Joy their pokemon, then headed upstairs. They found their room and fell asleep the instant their heads hit the pillow.



Also in the pokecenter, just in a different room, another boy was on his computer. He was video-chatting with a man. "Yes boss, I followed them here," the boy stated.



"Well do you think they are strong enough to join us?" the man asked.



"Well the one boy, Cliff if I recall, should be good. The other one could use a little more training though. They are most likely going to challenge the gym tomorrow, and I can see their true strength there."



"Ok, well don’t lose them, they could possibly do us some good if they have the potential that you say they have."



"Yes boss, over."

With that, they boy shut his computer and climbed into his own bed. Who knew what the next day would say, and what his boss would say if they didn’t win the gym battle.

Cliff woke earlier than Lan, as usual. He ran downstairs and got his pokemon, then ran outside for some fresh air. He sent out his two pokemon, then looked at them. A fire dog thing, and an electric sheep. What a team. At least he knew who his gym team would be. Since the gym used flying types, he would use Mareep. Cliff felt someone hit him on the back, then saw Lan running towards the gym. "First one there gets first battle!" Lan yelled.



Cliff took off at a run then had an idea. He looked at his pokemon that were following him. "Cyndaquil, catch him and stop him: Mareep, get to the gym first!" he exclaimed. His pokemon went in the direction of what they were running to. Cyndaquil easily caught Lan and tackled him, while Mareep ran threw the gym doors. Cliff jumped into the gym and managed to get to the gym leader before Lan. "My…friend….is still…..coming," Cliff said between breaths. Seconds later Cyndaquil ran up followed by Lan.



"That was a nasty trick!" Lan said. Cliff just smiled.



"So who wants a battle first?" Falkner asked.



"Me," Cliff said, taking a step forward. He returned Cyndaquil and had Mareep step onto the battle floor. Falkner sent out a Pidgey, and Cliff didn’t even say anything before the Pidgey was on the ground, electrocuted. "Wow," was all he could mutter. Sadly, there isn't much of a story here, as Pidgeotto and Hoothoot followed.




"That was probably the quickest battle I’ve ever had," Falkner said. "Can you guys meet me here in about thirty minutes so I can heal?" he asked. The boys nodded and ran outside to a field. Outside, they saw a kid, a boy about two or three years older than them.



The boy was running towards the gym. "Did I miss the first battle? I really wanted to watch both!" the boy exclaimed.



"There wasn't much to the first one, as I dominated him, but the second will start in about twenty-five more minutes," Cliff replied with a smile. The boy nodded and ran inside the gym. "What was that about?" asked Cliff.



"I hoped you knew," replied Lan.


The boys saw Falkner walking back to his gym, so they walked in. Falkner, hearing footsteps behind him, turned around and saw the two young boys. “Oh you guys are ready for your next battle already?” he asked as he stepped into the gym’s battle arena.

Lan nodded and ran to the other side of the gym, pulling out his first pokeball on the way. “I choose you, Totodile!” Lan yelled as he threw the metallic red and white sphere into the air. Falkner smiled and sent out his first pokemon, Pidgey. Lan knew this was coming, and he was prepared.

“Pidgey, start things off with a gust!” Falkner commanded. The bird pokemon flew into the air and began flapping its wings, sending the wind towards Totodile.

“Just hold on until the right moment comes!” Lan shouted to Totodile. The blew crocodile put his arms in front of his face in an attempt to block the attack. He managed to hold off the attack for quite some time, but both pokemon and trainers knew one would give in eventually. Pidgey wasn’t giving up either, as the gust continued to come. Finally, Pidgey’s winged slowed, and Lan knew he would have one moment to make his move.

“Now, water gun!” shouted Lan. “Drench his wings!”

Totodile shot water through the gust, hitting the Pidgey’s left wing. Totodile slowly moved the spray to the Pidgey’s right wing, and stopped. The Pidgey fell to the ground, but it didnt faint, it was barely damaged. The Pidgey picked itself up, and looked to Falkner for a move.

“We can’t stay vulnerable on the ground, fly up for another gust!” shouted Falkner. Pidgey startedto lift his wings, but couldn’t. The water maid Pideys wings too heavy for Pidgey!

Now, Scratch until it faints!” shouted Lan. Totodile ran forward and clawed the defensless bird until it was done trying to fight back. Sadly, there isn’t a sotry here either, as the same happened with the next two pokemon. As the final pokemon were withdrawn, Lan, Cliff and Falkner all walked towards each other.

Falkner held out his hand and smiled. Opening his palm, he reveled two gym badges. “You two earned these.” he stated. The boys smiled and grabbed the badges, both being put into a badge case.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“They’re ready,” the lone spectator said into a walkie- talkie with a smile.



About this chapter:

The reason it took me so long is because i lost motivation for awhile. Then i started writing tidbits of this chapter off and on. And after recently finishing this chapter, the it is! And anoter thing, THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER BEFORE THE REAL PLOT BEGINS!! :cheers:

 

[Marcat]

Okay... Lemme see...

Alot of the chapter lacked description. There was some nice description here and there (such as how you described the pokeball) but that wasn't nearly enough to fulfill the criteria. Practice, practice and practice. You'll get used to it. I also noticed that a huge part of the chapter was comprised of single sentences. That's also a problem. Put some meat on those bare bones.

Seeing as this the final chapter until the real plot, I'm interested to see what you have in mind. Good luck

 

[Trouble]

I've been absent for a while, but I've been waiting for you to get a start on your fic, and I'm glad to see it up finally. For the most part, I'm going to agree with Jinoga. I'll also say that, on a positive side, something about your writing style has me reading on. Although I've played this story out on Gold and Heart Gold time and again, I enjoy reading it, and if I'm not bored, that typically means you've got something going for you with the style.

I can tell, your style is still developing, and your grammar really needs to be worked on, but you have got me captive, and now that the "real plot" is beginning, I'm excited.

A tip for your next fic: every part of the plot is the real plot. Don't let the setup be a bother or hindrance to you. It should be one of the most important parts, because it's the part that everybody needs to read, so take your time with it. Make it exciting for yourself, and it's bound to be exciting for the readers.