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MATURE: Kanto, 20 years later(Chapter 7 has arrived!)

Re: Kanto, 20 years later(CHAPTER 6 CONFIRMED!)

One review, as you requested...

I too, am impressed at just how far you've come--when I read chapter 1, I was all ready to give you a lecture on detail and tense consistency. But then I get into Chapter 4, and the story has evolved from what looks like an epic adventure to a Mel Brooks-esque send up of the journey fic itself. (if you don't know who Mel Brooks is, I recommend looking up "Spaceballs", "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" and "Blazing Saddles" on YouTube.)

There are cliches, yes, but in your case, it is for comic purposes, and it works very well--every gag has meaning without losing the plot.

Having said that, while the tense and details are not as bad as they were in early chapters, they are still there, so keep details and tense in mind as you write
 
Re: Kanto, 20 years later(CHAPTER 6 CONFIRMED!)

WOW! That chapter was amazing!
The plot twist at the end.... Even I didn't expect it...
And you definitely furthered the plot of the "prophecy".
Also, the breaking the fourth wall you did with the "discharged like a salty hot blast of sweat" as well as the Hoenn remakes references were pretty awesome.
So, I think it's safe to assume that Raven is RJ's love interest, assuming that RJ is the one that is spoken of in the prophecy... But I have a feeling she could end up with Tyler instead... I'm not sure for sure....

I think this was the best chapter you've done yet! Looking forward to the next one!
 
Re: Kanto, 20 years later(CHAPTER 6 CONFIRMED!READERS! Y U NO REVIEW THIS!)

Chapter 7: Gym Battles and Shocking Revel… (Stop with the damn revelations already!) (Note: a little bit steamier chapter this time. Just warning you all ahead of time.)

R.J. was now on the ground, and Brock was sitting on a rock, armed with his only two Pokemon in his hands. R.J. gripped his own hard balls, squeezing them firmly in his hands until a white beam was jetting out with a Pokémon in tow. (Did you expect some sort of hentai this early? Well that’s not what this is)

His Poliwag, which had had about as much attention as a Luvdisc at this point of the story, was ready. And as you might expect, Brock was pwned like a Hackmons team on Pokemon Showdown that had been up against a Slaking with Façade, Poison Heal, and Toxic Orb. (I use this combo and it’s insanely awesome for hackmons.)

“You’re one sad little man, and you have my pity.” said R.J.

“Did you just quote Toy Stor-”started Brock.

“Yeah. Now hand me the badge you scrub.”

Brock gave R.J. the Boulder Badge. R.J. triumphantly raised his badge over his head.

“The badge increases your attack and allows you to use flash. And here’s a TM. I think it’s Stealth Rock?”

Once again, R.J. raised the TM. He then walked over to Blue and Raven.

“Okay, so I think we can chill, have a pepsi, and go see X-Mon: Days of Grinding Past?” asked R.J.

Blue looked up solemnly.

“Do you think it’s a fucking game R.J? Your cousin was just kidnapped by Carmine. His own mother!” yelled Blue angrily.

“Wait, bring us up to speed. You banged Carmine?” said Raven.

“Let me have the fucking monologue okay? Anyways… I once had a great affection for Carmine. We were madly in love. She and I, we had gotten up the courage one night. We had been in Nimbasa City on a day trip. We flirted and talked. And then we made passionate love, right there in the Ferris Wheel car. After being thrown out, and beating the shit out of the manager because he forgot I was Blue Motherfucking Oak, and that he can’t ignore my girth, we went back to Pallet. She and I talked and laughed.
The day we found out she was with child, we were filled with joy. Around the same time, I found out that my sister, your mom R.J, had been knocked up by Red. While the girls chatted and giggled, Red and I were trying to figure out a prophecy. The one predicted by Agatha. It is said:
‘A blast of rock will clash with earth,
And take away one child’s birth.
Harsh trials one other will face,
But he will save the human race.
Blades of water, thunder, fire,
Will make an evil one expire.
A Pokémon that our hero cherish
Will by a flood, very soon perish.
The child of a dreamer, and sibling of a foe,
Shall stop the world’s pain and woe.’


"So your father and I were trying to hunt for the Ritual of Three, a special ritual involving three blades, each embedded with the powers of three sacred Pokémon. From what we deciphered, the prophecy involves these same swords. The swords are said to contain the essence of Suicune, Raikou, and Entei. We knew that Team Neo Rocket would hunt down the ritual, as it could bring about eternal life."
"So we had Professor Oak hold on to the ritual that had been found in the ruins of the Burned Tower, Lt. Surge hold on to the blade of Raikou that was found where Raikou stood in the tower, Blaine hold on to the blade of Entei that was found where Entei stood, and me hold on to the blade of Suicune which was found near Bill’s house. No trace of any of the beasts has been seen. And so, we need to work on stopping the Neo Rockets."
"One day,shortly after Tyler was born, and just about a week before R.J. was born, Carmine got on the magnet train. She never came back until today. The news said that Neo Rockets had attacked the train. I don’t know what happened to her. Why would she do all this?”
***
Carmine was sitting in her room at Neo Rocket Headquarters. Alejandro was with her.

“So, my queen, you have done well.” Said Alejandro smirking.

“I’m not your fucking queen. I know what you did to me. You fucking brainwashed me. Into joining the Neo Rockets, and into loving you, you sick fuck.”

“Naughty, Naughty. Now while your son is undergoing the process, I need my heir. I can’t just have a filthy goon mother my heir, can I? And your son is not my child.”

“Fuck you, Alejandro. I’m not going to. Do all you want to me, but I’ll never carry your child.”

“I think you should learn when to be obedient, Carmine. I’m giving you one last chance before I rape you, you insubordinate bitch.”

“Okay, just chill the fuck out.” Said Carmine, as she undressed. Alejandro looked lustfully at Carmine’s beautiful body.

“It’s as though a Greek goddess is before me. Now, let us do this sacred act.”

“For you, it’s about as sacred as a fart. You may enjoy my body, but you care nothing for me. I’m nothing but a whore to you. The next 9 months ahead are going to be the only time you care about me.”

“Hush.” Said Alejandro.

Carmine felt the roughness of Alejandro. He was rough, but not forceful. His scent, an odd mix of Axew Dark Typetation and mints, excited her a little bit, giving it more of a thrill. But yet, there was no passion. No true love in it. It was nowhere near as pleasurable as the night with Blue, her true love that had fathered her first child.

Alejandro had finished with their time together.

“Well, I have some business to attend to. Later.” And he left the room.

That was another thing about her time with Alejandro. He never stayed and talked. He just left. He didn’t care about her. But Carmine couldn’t leave to be with Blue. Not with what the brainwashing had made her do, and especially if she was carrying a child now. Goddamnit, what had she done to deserve this?

***

In the lab, Tyler was sitting in a tube of green fluid. His dong was hanging out like a teenager at the drug store. Numerous female scientists were swooning over him, and would have his children faster than an Eevee and a Ditto in the daycare, if it weren’t for the fact he was in a glass tube.

“Is the brainwashing complete, Ash?” asked Alejandro to a scientist with a Pikachu on his shoulder.

“For the last time, my name’s not Ash, it’s Edmund. But it’s only 69% complete, sir.” Said the scientist.

“Heh,heh. 69.”

Will Carmine have to stay with Alejandro the rest of her life?
Will she have his baby?
And can I please get a few more reviews this chapter?
Find out Next Chapter!

Fan Review Responses Time!

@Phoenixon; I’m glad you thought last chapter was the best. I hope you enjoy this one as well. There are so many plot twists this chapter, I’m probably going to make a labyrinth of a plot this time.
@LightningTopaz; I know I should get the earlier chapters checked up (I didn’t really have direction until chapter 4 or 5) but have like zero time. Also, Mel Brooks? I’m glad you realized this was sort of a send up. I like parody movies like Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Shaun of the Dead, and Zombieland and this is sort of a nod to them, but with Pokemon.
 
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Okay, review time.

First off, I can see how much you've improved from chapter to chapter. For example, Chapter 4 compared to Chapter 1 is lightyears of improvement, and with each chapter you build up your progress more and more. You still need to work more on spacing between dialogue, separating it from things like descriptions and regular story details, but it's reading better regardless.

Secondly, you're doing quite well with story development and the overall flow of how the tale is told. Still needs a bit of work, but you're going in the right direction, so that'll change over the course of time and more practice. Your story is full of twists and turns, things that no one would ever expect. And with each chapter you flesh out the story, characters, and setting better and better. Still needs a bit of work, but you're on the right track, so with a bit more practice and more chapters, that'll change soon enough.

While I find your various references to almost random topics to describe an assortment of events a bit off-setting, that's just a personal thing. It's not a bad thing, it just a bit confusing to someone like me, who is more accustomed to a different style.

But it also means you're slowly learning your style, and that's what really matters. Writing isn't easy, especially creative writing, so finding ones style and rhythm is hard. I should know, it took me until college to finally smooth out my stories and find my rhythm, and I've been writing since 7th grade. It's obvious that with each chapter you're slowly getting a grip on not only your story itself, but discovering your rhythm and flow. And that's a big step-up in every shape and form. As many said before, the differences between the early chapters and later ones are huge improvements, the errors becoming fewer and fewer, and the details becoming more and more pronounced. Every writer knows that no work is perfect, and you have to start somewhere, but the progress you've made in a short period of time shows how much effort you've put into this.

Overall, while some things about this story confuse the heck out of me, you obviously work hard on it, and that's something I cannot argue with. With a bit more practice and a few more chapters down the road, you'll have yourself a solid story. Good work.
 
I'll echo what others have said and say that there is a marked improvement from chapter to chapter which is certainly a good thing.

But - and I'm going to be perfectly blunt - that doesn't necessarily make this a good story.

First of all, the conceit behind the story isn't very original, frankly. Futurefics purporting to be more "mature" than the source material are a dime a dozen, and while that doesn't mean you shouldn't do one, it does mean that if you do, you should find ways to make it your own and bring something new to the table. Unfortunately, from what I've seen, this is something you struggle to do (Red's son being named "Red Jr." is a prime example of this). Much of the story's violence is presented for no artistic reason or way that is relevant to the story as a whole beyond shock value (which runs out of juice very quickly), and jars with the rest of the story's tone. I'd be more conservative with how you proportion the violence and hard action, so that it's more effective. That will greatly improve the overall story. Remember that violence is not just a means to an end, it is a tool that should be employed only when it enhances the work taken as a whole.

I see that you are attempting to inject humor into the story, and that's always a good thing, but the humor you use is not effective in this type of story. You're trying to write a darkfic, and that means that your humor should be dark and observational rather than the quips, one-liners, and memes that you employ (seriously, an unironic "69" joke?). You could say it's satire but that would require the humor to be more original than the mainly-derivative comic relief you rely upon. These jokes, along with the excessive violence and sexual content, cause me to view this story as rather juvenile rather than the mature tale it claims to be. I'd recommend revising the kind of humor you use to something more fitting with the tone and content of the story.

Overall, it's not necessarily a bad story, and it does have potential, but Kanto, 20 Years Later has a lot of work to do before it can be something that wows me.

Sorry if I've caused any offense in this review, I just thought it would be best to be frank and not dance around the issues I see with this fic. In the long term, I think that'd be best for you as a writer.
 
I'm feeling a bit lazy right now to do a full review... But anyway...

The rape scene was just weird IMO. She isn't actually being raped, because she doesn't resist, yet that may also be because she's brainwashed, which means... She IS being raped? I dunno.
And how come she already knows she's pregnant? I mean, she only did it ONCE with him. Even if it was during ovulation, how is she CERTAIN that she is pregnant.

Also, to be honest, I actually laughed out loud (literally) when Alejandro said "69"... It might not be because it's actually funny, but it was because it was unexpected.
@Jabberwocky; I don't actually think that the "Mature" rating on this story necessitates that it has to be "dark". The story is clearly not meant to be dark. I mean, I don't think it's supposed to be a darkfic. The actual "maturity" of the story is pretty low, in terms of how serious it is.
It's like a story that appears to do with serious matters (killing, rape scenes), but almost parodies them. Like South Park sort of.
I guess it also depends on your story preferences as well...
 
@Jabberwocky; I don't actually think that the "Mature" rating on this story necessitates that it has to be "dark". The story is clearly not meant to be dark. I mean, I don't think it's supposed to be a darkfic. The actual "maturity" of the story is pretty low, in terms of how serious it is.
It's like a story that appears to do with serious matters (killing, rape scenes), but almost parodies them. Like South Park sort of.
I guess it also depends on your story preferences as well...
Obviously mature doesn't equal dark, but my impression of the story is that it is trying to be a darkfic in its subject matter and narrative, and I reviewed it accordingly. Irregardless, even if it was meant as a parody, I don't feel it does its job very well. It plays straight what it should be subverting, in a sense, and its humor is too derivative and unoriginal for me to derive much amusement.
 
I have some news dear readers. I am working on another fanfiction, about the Saw Movies., so It might be longer between Chapters. thank you for reviews, I will be working on this still,I'm just probably going to take longer between chapters.
 
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