Master Ken
追放されたバカ
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Ken always had a dream:To become only the best of the best and travel to far lands,his dreams are about to come true in this adventure across Kanto and the other 3 far off lands.
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Ken:Champ-in-making 1:Kanto quest!
- Thread starter Master Ken
- Start date
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2009
- Messages
- 21,333
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- Pronouns
- She/Her
Hint: You gotta post an actual chapter in the first post.
Master Ken
追放されたバカ
- Joined
- May 3, 2009
- Messages
- 120
- Reaction score
- 0
- Thread starter
- #3
One day in pallet town.
"HEY KEN!!!TIME TO GET UP AND OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!"
"Yes mom" said Ken
Later down stairs.
"I CAN'T BELIVE MY BABY IS LEAVING ME!!!" cried mom
"I thought you were excited about the fact that I was leaving mom." said Ken
"Oh yeah!You're right!!NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!!" screamed mom
"Sure." said Ken
As Ken was leaving he remembered what he was supposed to do today.
"Oh yeah!! I forgot to get my starter pokemon...Silly me.." thought Ken
As soon as Ken got back in into Pallet town.
"Ken!!"
"Oh....It's just you.....What do you want now Jed?"
"Did you forget about your starter?" asked Jed
"Yeah. That is the only reason I came back." said Ken
"I chose a Squirtle for my starter" said Jed "What about you?"
"You'll see" siad Ken
At the lab.
"Careful....Careful..." said Oak
Suddenly Ken comes through the doors.
"Hey Doc. whats crack-a-lackin!?!" Asked Ken
"I ALMOST found the cure for the Poke virus...." Oak said in a frustrated voice
"You keep at that" Ken said with detrimination
"Just...Choose a starter and leave..." Oak said with anger
"But there are no starters." Ken said
"Then in that case I wi- oh wait... I gave that one to Ash..." said Oak
"Well?" said Ken
"Be right back" said Oak
After hours of waiting..
".......Ah ha!! There you are!!!" said Oak
"What is it?" asked Ken
"A friend of mine from a far off land agve me this pokemon." said Oak
"What kind is it?" said Ken
"See for your self." said Oak with a grin
"Come out pokemon!!!" Yelled Ken
The pokeball that Oak had give to Ken was tossed up into the and opened and Ken's first ever pokemon was......
________________________________________________________________________________
End of chapter 1:ADVENTURE START!!
Next time:My pokemon is...
Post your thoughts on todays chapter!!
"HEY KEN!!!TIME TO GET UP AND OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!"
"Yes mom" said Ken
Later down stairs.
"I CAN'T BELIVE MY BABY IS LEAVING ME!!!" cried mom
"I thought you were excited about the fact that I was leaving mom." said Ken
"Oh yeah!You're right!!NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!!" screamed mom
"Sure." said Ken
As Ken was leaving he remembered what he was supposed to do today.
"Oh yeah!! I forgot to get my starter pokemon...Silly me.." thought Ken
As soon as Ken got back in into Pallet town.
"Ken!!"
"Oh....It's just you.....What do you want now Jed?"
"Did you forget about your starter?" asked Jed
"Yeah. That is the only reason I came back." said Ken
"I chose a Squirtle for my starter" said Jed "What about you?"
"You'll see" siad Ken
At the lab.
"Careful....Careful..." said Oak
Suddenly Ken comes through the doors.
"Hey Doc. whats crack-a-lackin!?!" Asked Ken
"I ALMOST found the cure for the Poke virus...." Oak said in a frustrated voice
"You keep at that" Ken said with detrimination
"Just...Choose a starter and leave..." Oak said with anger
"But there are no starters." Ken said
"Then in that case I wi- oh wait... I gave that one to Ash..." said Oak
"Well?" said Ken
"Be right back" said Oak
After hours of waiting..
".......Ah ha!! There you are!!!" said Oak
"What is it?" asked Ken
"A friend of mine from a far off land agve me this pokemon." said Oak
"What kind is it?" said Ken
"See for your self." said Oak with a grin
"Come out pokemon!!!" Yelled Ken
The pokeball that Oak had give to Ken was tossed up into the and opened and Ken's first ever pokemon was......
________________________________________________________________________________
End of chapter 1:ADVENTURE START!!
Next time:My pokemon is...
Post your thoughts on todays chapter!!
Master Ken
追放されたバカ
- Joined
- May 3, 2009
- Messages
- 120
- Reaction score
- 0
- Thread starter
- #4
Chapter 2:My pokemon is...
"Syther?" said Ken
"It was time I gave that syther to a trainer." said Oak "It was giving me hair cuts that I never needed."
"Awesome!!" said Ken "Jed is going to be jelous!!"
"I'm not sure about that..." mumbled Oak
"Okay Syther....I name you Blade!!" said Ken
"Blade,return!!" said Ken
As blade returned into his pokeball Oak got out a bag.
"I want you to have this bag." said Oak "In it are 20 pokeballs and a map."
"Cool!" Ken said with eagerness
Ken took the bag and put it on his back.
"Alright!" said Ken "Now I'm off!"
"(I have a feeling no one will ever hear from him again.)" thought Oak
"Bye Oak!" yelled Ken as he walked out the lab door
Later as Ken was walking down a long route.
"I think I see Viridian!!" Ken said to him self as he started running
Ken suddenly tripped over something and fell.
"Whoa!!!!" Ken yelled as he fell to the floor
"I think he is out cold." said a worryed voice
"I think we killed him" said a fearful voice
"If that is the case then it's game over!!" worryed voice said with panic
"Let's blow this taco stand and maybe they will think he was sucidial" siad the frightened voice
Hours later Ken woke up.
"............I took a narly fall dude...." groaned Ken
Later in Viridian.
"Finally I mad-"
"ZOMBIE!!!!!" screamed a bystander
"T-VIRUS IS STRIKING KANTO!!" screamed another
"I'm alive and well,so how am I a Zombie?" asked Ken
"Oh...." said someone
"Viridian is full of people who think strangers are zombies." explained some guy hiding in a trash can
"Any way....Do where I can find the Gym at?" Ken asked kindly
"Tough luck dude." said a guy
"Why?" asked Ken
"The gym leader is NEVER around so good luck challenging him." said a clerk
"Oh.......Then I might as well go to Pewter" said Ken
"Good idea" said someone
"Okay." Ken said "Sorry for all of the trouble I caused."
Later out side of Viridian.
"Huh?" said Ken
Ken looks at the sign that says:"Viridain forest ahead,warning:May get lost in forest.Have a nice day"
"Aw come on!!" yelled Ken
____________________________________________________________________________
End of chapter 2:My pokemon is...
Next time:damn forest
"Syther?" said Ken
"It was time I gave that syther to a trainer." said Oak "It was giving me hair cuts that I never needed."
"Awesome!!" said Ken "Jed is going to be jelous!!"
"I'm not sure about that..." mumbled Oak
"Okay Syther....I name you Blade!!" said Ken
"Blade,return!!" said Ken
As blade returned into his pokeball Oak got out a bag.
"I want you to have this bag." said Oak "In it are 20 pokeballs and a map."
"Cool!" Ken said with eagerness
Ken took the bag and put it on his back.
"Alright!" said Ken "Now I'm off!"
"(I have a feeling no one will ever hear from him again.)" thought Oak
"Bye Oak!" yelled Ken as he walked out the lab door
Later as Ken was walking down a long route.
"I think I see Viridian!!" Ken said to him self as he started running
Ken suddenly tripped over something and fell.
"Whoa!!!!" Ken yelled as he fell to the floor
"I think he is out cold." said a worryed voice
"I think we killed him" said a fearful voice
"If that is the case then it's game over!!" worryed voice said with panic
"Let's blow this taco stand and maybe they will think he was sucidial" siad the frightened voice
Hours later Ken woke up.
"............I took a narly fall dude...." groaned Ken
Later in Viridian.
"Finally I mad-"
"ZOMBIE!!!!!" screamed a bystander
"T-VIRUS IS STRIKING KANTO!!" screamed another
"I'm alive and well,so how am I a Zombie?" asked Ken
"Oh...." said someone
"Viridian is full of people who think strangers are zombies." explained some guy hiding in a trash can
"Any way....Do where I can find the Gym at?" Ken asked kindly
"Tough luck dude." said a guy
"Why?" asked Ken
"The gym leader is NEVER around so good luck challenging him." said a clerk
"Oh.......Then I might as well go to Pewter" said Ken
"Good idea" said someone
"Okay." Ken said "Sorry for all of the trouble I caused."
Later out side of Viridian.
"Huh?" said Ken
Ken looks at the sign that says:"Viridain forest ahead,warning:May get lost in forest.Have a nice day"
"Aw come on!!" yelled Ken
____________________________________________________________________________
End of chapter 2:My pokemon is...
Next time:damn forest
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2008
- Messages
- 4,178
- Reaction score
- 92
Wow, this is shocking, and not in the good way. Before I even get started on the plot problems, there are so many spelling and grammatical errors that I could feel myself losing IQ points as I read this. The ones I can remember -
'Scyther' not 'Syther'
'worried' not 'worryed'
'said' not 'siad'
Journey fics are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdone on this site, I'm one to talk as I'm doing one myself, but my advice is, if you want to do one, you have to make it something special, something original, something unique. You have not done this.
You've got to hook your audience within the first two chapters. Again, you most certainly have not done this. You shouldn't rush through your chapters, but you need to make them fast paced and interesting - you have not done this. The fact that we don't even find out what Ken's first Pokemon is going to be until Chapter 2 is totally absurd.
Hopefully these comments will help you improve future work. I pray this specifically is a troll.
'Scyther' not 'Syther'
'worried' not 'worryed'
'said' not 'siad'
Journey fics are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdone on this site, I'm one to talk as I'm doing one myself, but my advice is, if you want to do one, you have to make it something special, something original, something unique. You have not done this.
You've got to hook your audience within the first two chapters. Again, you most certainly have not done this. You shouldn't rush through your chapters, but you need to make them fast paced and interesting - you have not done this. The fact that we don't even find out what Ken's first Pokemon is going to be until Chapter 2 is totally absurd.
Hopefully these comments will help you improve future work. I pray this specifically is a troll.
Master Ken
追放されたバカ
- Joined
- May 3, 2009
- Messages
- 120
- Reaction score
- 0
- Thread starter
- #6
Chapter 3
amn forest
As Ken is walking through the forest he begins to here things.
"Isn't that the guy we accidently killed?"
"I think came back to seek his revenge.."
"Okaaaaay......." Ken said with confusion "I'm just going to RUN LIKE HELL!!"
5 hours later...
"I.....Just...WENT IN A DAMN CIRCLE!!!!" screamed Ken
"Welcome to the exit" said an old man "This forest is confusing, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Ken said as went towards the exit
"All ya have to do is battle ME to get through those doors." the old man said
OMG A F**KING BATTLE!!!!
"Go!!! Bulbasaur!!!" the said screamed out as Bulbasaur emerged
"Come on out Blade!!" yelled Ken as Blade came out
"Bulbasaur, use razor leaf!!" demanded the old man
"Um......CUT THOSE RAZOR LEAFS UP BLADE!!!" Ken shouted as he noticed Blade behind Ken to use him as meat sheild
"*Censored due to profanity*" Ken scream at the razor blades sliced through his fleash "Blade...Return!" and so Blade went back into his pokeball
"What is wrong?" asked the old man "Giving up?"
"No" said Ken "I'm sending out a pokemon I caught between chapters."
Then the old man let out a "Huh?"
"Go, Pikachu!!!" said Ken
Pikachu came out as the old man said "Hey!! Pikachu can't be found in Viridian forest!!"
"They can now!!!" said Ken
"Heh...." the old geezer grinned "Blade was a coward....What about this twerp?"
"Oh. He hates to be insulted" Ken noted "Now shock the life out those two Pikachu!!"
"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! GOOD GAWD THIS HURTS!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HELL!!!!" said the old man
"Come back Pikachu!!" said Ken
Pikachu went back into his pokeball.
"Now I can leave." Ken said with joy
Ken went through the doors.
____________________________________________________________________________
Next time:Hardcore Ma- I mean Brock
amn forestAs Ken is walking through the forest he begins to here things.
"Isn't that the guy we accidently killed?"
"I think came back to seek his revenge.."
"Okaaaaay......." Ken said with confusion "I'm just going to RUN LIKE HELL!!"
5 hours later...
"I.....Just...WENT IN A DAMN CIRCLE!!!!" screamed Ken
"Welcome to the exit" said an old man "This forest is confusing, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Ken said as went towards the exit
"All ya have to do is battle ME to get through those doors." the old man said
OMG A F**KING BATTLE!!!!
"Go!!! Bulbasaur!!!" the said screamed out as Bulbasaur emerged
"Come on out Blade!!" yelled Ken as Blade came out
"Bulbasaur, use razor leaf!!" demanded the old man
"Um......CUT THOSE RAZOR LEAFS UP BLADE!!!" Ken shouted as he noticed Blade behind Ken to use him as meat sheild
"*Censored due to profanity*" Ken scream at the razor blades sliced through his fleash "Blade...Return!" and so Blade went back into his pokeball
"What is wrong?" asked the old man "Giving up?"
"No" said Ken "I'm sending out a pokemon I caught between chapters."
Then the old man let out a "Huh?"
"Go, Pikachu!!!" said Ken
Pikachu came out as the old man said "Hey!! Pikachu can't be found in Viridian forest!!"
"They can now!!!" said Ken
"Heh...." the old geezer grinned "Blade was a coward....What about this twerp?"
"Oh. He hates to be insulted" Ken noted "Now shock the life out those two Pikachu!!"
"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! GOOD GAWD THIS HURTS!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HELL!!!!" said the old man
"Come back Pikachu!!" said Ken
Pikachu went back into his pokeball.
"Now I can leave." Ken said with joy
Ken went through the doors.
____________________________________________________________________________
Next time:Hardcore Ma- I mean Brock
SSJ3_Raditz
How do I used tense?
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2009
- Messages
- 333
- Reaction score
- 0
Nothing kills a fanfic more than horrible writing mixed with an overused plot.
Like GM, I too have a fanfic that uses the same overused plot, but at LEAST it's readable.
Case in point:
Followed by:
What emotion are you trying to imply, anger or sadness? :-/ You're confusing me.
And let's go to other parts:
You're not putting a space before the exclamation point. And now the sentence feels squashed together.
Next:
First, he forgets to about his starter pokemon, then immediately remembers it in the next sentence. And second, that last sentence seems to imply that he went back to Pallet Town when he left his house that was INSIDE Pallet Town. What?
Continuing:
Oh yes, I'm pretty sure you can get knocked out by tripping. :shy:
But why would they blow up the taco stand that didn't seem to be there before, hmm?
But wait, that sentence is immediately followed with this:
One, he gets injured for no reason whatsoever and then it's revealed it has nothing to do with the plot, as the setting changes immediately in the very next sentence.
Two, what is this reference to the Resident Evil series? They're not in the same universe, so why are trying to imply that the T-Virus exists in this fic?
Moar:
If this is Ash Ketchum from the anime, then you're confusing me: Is this based on the games or anime? Well, you never said which, but I want to know.
Anyways, there are quite a lot of badly done stuff in this RP, but one thing stands out: Spelling.
Let's see:
"Belive" instead of "Believe"
"Detrimination" instead of "Determination"
"Siad" instead of "Said"
"Agve" instead of "Gave"
...and many more.
I know you're a kid, judging from the "About Me" tab in your profile, but sheesh, I'm a kid too. If you want to improve your fanfic's quality, take some time in English class (since you're still in school), learn how to spell words correctly, use proper capitalization and punctuation, and perhaps read some guides in making fanfics. That'll help.
Like GM, I too have a fanfic that uses the same overused plot, but at LEAST it's readable.
Case in point:
Followed by:
What emotion are you trying to imply, anger or sadness? :-/ You're confusing me.
And let's go to other parts:
You're not putting a space before the exclamation point. And now the sentence feels squashed together.
Next:
First, he forgets to about his starter pokemon, then immediately remembers it in the next sentence. And second, that last sentence seems to imply that he went back to Pallet Town when he left his house that was INSIDE Pallet Town. What?
Continuing:
Oh yes, I'm pretty sure you can get knocked out by tripping. :shy:
But why would they blow up the taco stand that didn't seem to be there before, hmm?
But wait, that sentence is immediately followed with this:
One, he gets injured for no reason whatsoever and then it's revealed it has nothing to do with the plot, as the setting changes immediately in the very next sentence.
Two, what is this reference to the Resident Evil series? They're not in the same universe, so why are trying to imply that the T-Virus exists in this fic?
Moar:
If this is Ash Ketchum from the anime, then you're confusing me: Is this based on the games or anime? Well, you never said which, but I want to know.
Anyways, there are quite a lot of badly done stuff in this RP, but one thing stands out: Spelling.
Let's see:
"Belive" instead of "Believe"
"Detrimination" instead of "Determination"
"Siad" instead of "Said"
"Agve" instead of "Gave"
...and many more.
I know you're a kid, judging from the "About Me" tab in your profile, but sheesh, I'm a kid too. If you want to improve your fanfic's quality, take some time in English class (since you're still in school), learn how to spell words correctly, use proper capitalization and punctuation, and perhaps read some guides in making fanfics. That'll help.