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Living the Dream

Light Fang

Light Fang

Being called Emo.
Joined
Jan 21, 2009
Messages
2,350
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1
Chapter 1 A normal day or so it started that way…

We find a young 17 year old boy who has fallen asleep in class and is having another strange dream involving being an Eevee then a Lucario suddenly appears and saves him like always... But the clock is about the ring for Lunch…

“Zzzzzz…”
“3…2…1…”
*BUZZ!!!!*

Everyone quickly takes off with the bell heading for the lunch room except for the young man who is still fast asleep until his teacher nudges him awake…

“Zack…Zack wake up… You’re late for lunch…”
“Huh… What…”
“You’re late for lunch…”
“lunch… LUNCH!!!”
“WAIT!?”
“Why?”

Just as Zack was about to take off for lunch like everyone else did his teacher grabs him and hands him some new study guides to replace the ones that he had drooled over as he slept.

“Thanks…*Blushes embarrassed* Well by…”
“Zack just try to stay awake…”
“Right.”

Zack grabs the new papers and takes off for the Cafeteria to get his lunch after a long wait in the lunch line. Then not to long after lunch Zack is taking his PE class but after that in his 5th period he ends up fast asleep at his computer…

“h-help…topaz…”
“ZACK!! WAKE UP!!!! Just because I haven’t assigned this class any work in the past week still doesn’t mean that you can fall asleep in class.”
“Sorry… Another one of those strange dreams but that one had that Renamon in it this time… YAWN!!”

Later after class Zack learns that he needs to stay after school until 3 o’clock to do some studying then he’ll have to walk home for the first time since it being a Wednesday his mother has to go to her second job…

“Ok Let’s gets studying… I have to study… I need to study…”

Zack gets straight to studying but ten minutes later…

“Zzzzzzzzzzz…”
*Voice in dream*
“Zack wake up…”

Zack then wakes up and goes to a computer remembering that he still has to do his studies and once at a computer he gets straight to his work. Then after about ten minutes he gets finished.

“There that is the work that needed to get done to keep my grades up…”

Zack looks at the clock and sees that he still gas another 30 minutes before he needs to go and walk on home.

“I’ve still got some time… I think I’ll just get a little more rest…”

Zack falls back to sleep but as he is dreaming the Lucario comes up to him and tells him…

“Please watch out on your way home…”

Zack suddenly wakes up and sees that it was now 3:10 after freaking out about being late and making the Liberian mad about be kept to wait for him to wake up Zack takes off like a gunshot but then he slows down as he realizes everything is to quiet…

“Strange things are quiet to quiet… Wait didn’t Lucario say something in my dream!?... But that was only a dream wasn’t it…?”
*A sound like someone blowing into a tube or pipe.”
“UGH!”

Something strikes Zack in the neck and he quickly pulls out what looks like something like a type of dart from his neck then suddenly everything starts to spin, then fade away, then all goes black and Zack falls to the ground…

“…help…”

Is the last thing that Zack said before he had crashed onto the ground unconscious then he suddenly awakes in a strange forest that is seems both unknown and yet familiar to him…

“…I’ve been here before…? Or at least I think I have it looks like something from my dreams…”

To be continued…
 
Uhmmm. You spelled "librarian" as "Liberian". Unless she really is from Liberia... XD

And the grammar. You're switching between present and past tense, which makes for a very strange story, and very confusing writing. Actually, it would be better to transpose everything to past tense, as that is how most stories are written.

Is the last thing that Zack said before he had crashed onto the ground unconscious then he suddenly awakes in a strange forest that is seems both unknown and yet familiar to him…
Click to expand...

Specifically, this sentence. Also:

We find a young 17 year old boy who has fallen asleep in class and is having another strange dream involving being an Eevee then a Lucario suddenly appears and saves him like always... But the clock is about the ring for Lunch…
Click to expand...

There's something called parallel structure that you screwed up here, because the phrases "involving being and Eevee" and "then a Lucario suddenly appears and saves him" cannot just be spliced together like that. It also counts as a run-on sentence, which you have a lot of.

As well, you're not describing enough things. The story is just zooming along without any sense of what's actually happening. All the plot is there, but the plot is only the bare bones. We need the skin and meat, which are the setting and characters.
 
Chapter 2 This is just a dream… NO IT’S NOT!!!

Zack looks around the forest he now find himself in and then various dreams involving the Lucario start to come to him as if they are trying to give him some type of meaning.

“Strange… WHOA!”

Zack tried to take a step forward but he tripped over something but as he looked at what…

“Ok what just happened…? WHAT THE!?”

Zack gets a good look at himself and what he sees shocks him instead of a human body he sees four paws, a tail like the end of a paint brush, and brown fur covering his body then he realizes just what he is…

“I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I’M AN EEVEE!!!!!”

Zack starts to freak out and run around in circles until his thoughts slowly start to change and make him think... then say…

“I’m dreaming that’s it… This is all just another dream…”

Zack calms down and starts to take a walk around this forest he is in seeing all these Pokémon playing, laughing, and having fun in it with other Pokémon.

“This is really amazing out of all my dreams this one is the most… Vivid! And realistic…”

Zack says as he starts too happily stroll through the forest then a Pikachu comes up to him with a big smile.

“Hello Eevee! Want to Play with me?”
“Uh…Hi… My names Zack.”
“Ok Zack… want to play?”

The Pikachu asks him so happily but then Zack says something really confusing…

“Maybe I’ll play with you next time I’m asleep. I could wake up from this dream at any minute.”
“Huh?”

Zack walks off leaving the Pikachu completely confused and feeling like their head is going to split but as it clear up Zack finds himself stuck behind a Tangela that will not let him pass.

“Excuse me but I would like to pass…”
“To bad I’m not moving until my Ingrain has given me enough energy after that battle I just had against a Pidgey…”

The Tangela tells Zack but Zack just backs up and runs at the Tangela thinking that since this is his dream so it will step aside before he hits it but…

*WHAM!!!*
“OW! THAT HURT… Wait!? That hurt… UH-OH!”


Zack had run straight into the Tangela and hurt himself but since he did he realizes that this is not a dream because you can’t actually get hurt and feel anything in a dream… Then the Tangela turns around and stares at him in such an angrily way.

“Ouch… I’LL TEACH YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF OUCH!!!!!!”

The Tangela angrily yells at Zack and wraps him up with his vines and starts to squeeze him like a stress relief ball.

“I’M GOING TO SQUEEZE YOU LIKE A WET SPONGE- OW!!!!”
“I’M OUT OF HERE!”
“YOU CAN’T ESCAPE ME!”

Zack had bitten one of the vines that the Tangela making it drops him then Zack had taken off running but the Tangela stayed close behind him not letting him even dare to get away.

“THIS ISN’T A DREAM!!!”
“YOU’LL WISH IT WAS! WHEN I CATCH YOU!!”
“HELP ME!!!”

Zack screams for help as he runs and the Tangela gets ever closer to him…

To be continued…
 
Apart from prophetc dreams being something of a cliche, your character is okay. The grammar is a tad sub par, but I could still understand it. Not much I can actually rate at this point, it seems like you're planning on it being a lot longer.
 
Some sentences were confusing for me, but aside from that, this is really good. I'll be reading. :)
 
I'll try to get some added to this if I ever get the time before summer ends.
 
Please note: The thread is from 15 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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