EDIT from Hallow♥: This thread has been closed due to age, post numbers, and inactivity.
(Cali) Orange County - At 10 on Christmas night, a Mexican was shot by a local squirrel. The media was at an outrage by the squirrel's hate crime against the individual. The squirrel is expected to appear in court Sunday December 30th. The best way to finish the year of 2007.
"The squirrel must have felt threatened!" Yelled one of the many angry citizens who were watching the police bring the rodent to justice. "The squirrel could have been threatened by the size of the man when he turned and shot him!" George Miltens, 34, was one of the members of the TASS (Think About the Squirrel Society) a union which was founded by James Chambers in November 3rd, 1909. The same time when the FRR (Fight for Rodent Rights) Movement was established. "I personally think that the squirrel's being discriminated by his species. Squirrels are one of the smartest animals in the world (if you were to exclude primates), just enough to pack a hand gun.
The Hispanic man, Roberto Sanchez, 45, was about to drive to work in his blue sedan as he was shot. He was leaving his family of 8 children and his wife, Rosalinda Sanchez, 40. He saw the squirrel's eyes before he was shot. Luckily he wasn't shot at a vital area, in the arm he was shot. Sanchez described the squirrel's eyes as angry as a water buffalo mixed with a rattle snake. The fire in the squirrel's eyes was immense, he claimed. The squirrel was questioned the following morning by Orange County Police and only answered a few hand picked questions. The squirrel however told a different story.
The police couldn't speak Squirsh, native Squirrel language, so they hired a professional. Tyler Parks, 39, was called in that Christmas night as he was in bed with his wife. He came in as soon as he could, the squirrel was a long time friend, and that it was christmas night, he had no other option. The squirrel told him, "I was collecting my nuts that I stashed for the winter so I could hibernate for the remainder of the season when this big shadow crept over me. I had no other choice but to pull out my 9 mm semi-automatic pistol to gun down my hunter, the beast had fallen, looking me in the eyes and said something in Spanish." The authorities couldn't believe a squirrel would carry such a weapon and that he would speak to a human.
The police questioned Sanchez who said he was leaving to go to work, but they didn't believe him as places were closed at 10 pm AND on Christmas night. "Something wasn't adding up and we plan on uncovering this mystery and finding out why Sanchez was shot by a squirrel." exclaimed Mike Carona, O.C. Police Sheriff. "His wife said he was a simple and happy man who loved to work, even on holiday nights which were celebrated by Americans. But that's all she was free to explain." A hate crime is when one race attacks another, but lately in today's time, a hate crime can only be committed by a Caucasian or Asian against minorities such as African American, Jewish, Muslim, or Hispanic. The squirrel isn't Caucasian so he couldn't possibly be charged for hate crime, this was pointed out by the squirrel's attorney. Only time will tell as this tree-dwelling squirrel's trial comes closer day by day, will he be innocent or would he be sentenced for 10 years for attempted murder? TASS has gathered in Orange County to prey so the squirrel will go home free and to hibernate once again.
@_@ That was good. Seriously, if it wasn't for the fact that squirrels don't shoot people, it could probably pass as a real article. Albeit, shorter, since editors would cut it down. Coming up with something that good is hard, so give me a while.
