EVERYONE: - Complete Mewtwo's Strikes Back Special, Pokemon Devolution Day

[.Red]

Here's the beginning of teh shorteset story I've ever written, I've changed it a bit becuz of the knowledge of G/S which came out a year after.

Pokemon: Devolution Day

Author¡¦s Note: This story takes place in the Mewtwo Strikes Back period, meaning that Ash¡¦s team consists of Pikachu, Charizard, Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Pidgeotto. In this fic, all of Ash and co.¡¦s Pokemon will be in their lowest form, also meaning that Ash Pichu

Sit back, and enjoy the fic.

¡§Go Charizard!¡¨ Ash yelled at the blue sky as his orange dragon Pokemon appeared. It breathed out blazing red flames as it lit the campfire out. Ash¡¦s friends, Misty and Brock told Ash to be friendly with Charizard since Charizard keeps disobeying him. Ash¡¦s other Pokemon, Bulbasaur and Squirtle have no problem with Ash, and Ash¡¦s loyal Pidgeotto obeys Ash too. Just then, the sun shines through the snow white clouds. Pikachu, Charizard, Pidgeotto flash in different colors of the rainbow, Soon they turn into 3 different Pokemon but share the same shape with them.

¡§Huh!?¡¨ Ash yelled out, confused. The trio ran towards to nearest Pokemon center and dialed to Oak¡¦s place. ¡§Proffesor Oak! Charizard and Pidgeotto turned into Charmander and Pidgey! And Pikachu turned into this thing!¡¨ Ash bought out his baby Pikachu Pokemon. ¡§ That must be a Pichu!¡¨ Oak said on the Screen. ¡§A What?¡¨ Ash asked. ¡§A Pichu! The baby form of Pikachu, there is a total of 5 new species discovered now! There¡¦s Marill, Snubull, Pichu, Togepi, and The Legendary Bird Ho-Oh!¡¨

What Awaits the Trio Next!? And what happened to Team Rocket!?



Short isn't it? But dude, it's a short story... =P NO Critiscm, Tips only, that would help my current fic I'm writing.

 

[Fig]

I have but one tip for you, and it's to accept criticism. You learn to write better much more efficiently by being told what are the weak points you need to improve than by receiving very general advice. It's simple as that - criticism is the best way to improve. Getting told "Stories should have solid description" doesn't help you determine if YOURS has the description ; "The description in this story is very lacking." does.

And if you don'T want to improve, then perhaps this is not the forum for you to post on ; you should post the story (once completed) in the library if you aren't interested in improving.

 

[tyger]

Tips...not criticism.

*points at the topic of this post*

that said.

TIp 1: A criticism often includes ones opinion about a written work.

Tip 2: Most often, an author of any such written work, writes for the opinion of their peers in their community.

Tip 3: As noted in Tip 1, a criticism often includes ones opinion about a written work, so read between the lines of Tip 1 and say Tip 3. So asking for a tip without asking for a critique of a said work, is asking good ole Leonardo to paint the mona lisa in crayons.

Tip 4: don't switch tenses from sentence to sentence.

Tip 5: read the rules of this here pokestories forum.

Tip 6: this said I shall critique your work.

Criticism: most often, quotation marks are used to start and end dialogue. If not quotation marks, then use some other form of annotation. But, please don't use a combination of characters to denote this, for it often confuses the reader, and it leads them to sometimes forget that they are looking at dialogue.

THe reason that quotation marks are often used is because since they usually appear to look like superscript, they send a sort of alert to the reader, in the sense that, hey look here's dialogue.

Second most often, a prologue or any sort of first chapter, is supposed to be of at least sufficient length. THis is because if you don't drag the reader into your writing, they won't stay there. See even if people often cite that a good plot is the most important thing in the writing. It often requires a certain "originality" in the writing style rather than the content. So that said, i just have to honestly say that you offered way too much information for that first part, and you left it blank without closing it up. And for the sake of honesty, I just have to say due to all the factors I have listed so far, it didn't strike to me as something I would read.

 

[Murgatroyd]

Re: Tips...not criticism.

Originally posted by Tygerofdanyte
Criticism: most often, quotation marks are used to start and end dialogue. If not quotation marks, then use some other form of annotation. But, please don't use a combination of characters to denote this, for it often confuses the reader, and it leads them to sometimes forget that they are looking at dialogue.

THe reason that quotation marks are often used is because since they usually appear to look like superscript, they send a sort of alert to the reader, in the sense that, hey look here's dialogue.

That, I'm fairly sure, isn't his fault. I've seen that problem before. It seems to be the result of C/Ping "smart quotes" from certain word processors into the reply box, and probably wasn't even visible to him when he posted it.

Everything else, though, he definitely does need to work on.

 

[Togepretty]

I would like to know what your interpretation of a "tip" is. Because it seems "tip" is meant to omit comments that state anything bad about the story.

But if everybody tells you tells you "yeah, that was good" how exactly does that help you improve? And trust us, you need improvement, you need critiques.
Also, if you can't take helpful critiques, what's going to happen if you ever get a flame? Honestly, if you can't handle either of these things you have no business being a writer.

Damian and Tygerofdanyte pretty much covered the problems with this story.
I'll just tell you that this story greatly lacks explanations and detail. And if you work on adding these things into your story, it will make a major difference in the length.
I'm sorry, but judging from this chapter, this story holds absolutely no interest for me. You gave nothing to the reader, and in effect caused them no anticipation for the next chapter.

The best "tip" I can give to you is to take the advice that the people in this thread, and your other thread have offered you.

 

[.Red]

like omg... just tell me where I need to improve on... I mean... maybe I shouldn't post anymore fics here,

 

[Eevee Forever]

Red, telling you where to improve *is* criticism. With that said, there are quite a few things you need to work on. Keep in mind that at no point I am trying to be mean, just helpful ^.^

1. Description. You need some more. A *lot* more. What we have here is a bland telling of events. You have to explain what's going on, what certain things look like, and other attributes of whatever you're describing, with much greater detail.

2. Grammar. One shouldn't have to stop and try to figure out what you're saying. The sentences should all, for the most part, use the same verb tense, in this case, the past tense. There are many grammatical errors that need to be corrected; I suggest running them through grammar check, and if you don't have it, read what you're writing outloud and see if it makes sense then. ^.~

3. Length. Your story, even if it is the opening, is way too short. Again, this relates to the amount of description you use. If that were to be printed in a book, it would be around the size of a small paragraph, which would probably be only describing one thing, whereas your passage of equal length would be a whole chapter.

4. Structure. Relating to grammar, your sentence structure is poor. Also, when writing a dialogue between two or more people, you should try to space the dialogue like so, rather than bunching it up into the paragraph. Again, this is just an example, not a sample of my own writing:

John ran up to Bob. "Hey, Bob!" he called out.

"Hey, John! How's the weather?"

"Oh, just fine, Bob!"

Well, anyway, that's all I can say...

 

[Shiksa ♥]

needs work

.......

before you read any of the following, note that you are taking advice from a weird person...

1. what everyone already has said is very helpful. follow what they say. very good, everyone.

2. the first sentence has very good description. if you describe each little event with that description, that is a start.

3. your choice of words is a little bland. i'm not saying you have to be a walking dictionary, as many people call me, but just alternate your choice of words. for example, instead of saying "said" everytime someone says something, you can use: "replied, told, answered, explained, cried, exclaimed, etc." i'm not saying that you used "said," too much, that is just an example. if you want to expand your vocab, the best thing to do is to READ! if you don't know a word, look it up in the dictionary! it's ok! the dictionary is my friend, i'll tell her not to bite you…you can also go the dictionary.com and sign up for the word of the day, each day they send you an email with a word, and it's free.

just my advice from the weird girl, signing off ^.~

 

[Ryu-kun]

Umm... Excuse me if I'm wrong or sounding rude, but aren't all stories supposed to have a PLOT and an OBJECTIVE? Without those, all your story is happens to be a few words that appear on one's moniter.

Plus, a Short Story is short, yes, but not THAT short...

 

[Murgatroyd]

Ryu-kun, there is no reason to bump such an ancient thread as this one just for a couple of sentences of that sort of commentary. If you'd bothered to take a few moments to search, you'd have noticed that the author has been inactive for about four months, and may well never even look at your post.

Closing to prevent further spam.