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Moving on up!

why have may drew and harley come to see ash?

  • Total voters
    9
  • Poll closed .
S

ss501girl

cute cooadinater
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The sun shone in kimiko's bedroom that was quite deserted.kimiko
was supposed to start her pokemon journey but had to wait
untill all the proffesers had done there metting in proffeser oak's lab,the only good thing about it was that they would bring along there region starters so she would have more options."ahh i carnt wait any longer!"she rored."hey sis if your going to make me deaf if you keep screaming like that"screamed back her little sister rena.kimiko then nuged rena out the room and started changing out of her nightie into a white top and a pink skirt underneth were white shorts."HMMMMMMM.....if i get a piplup or charmaner mabye a mudkip what about cydaquill ill think i'll ask ash if he ever comes round hes handled this starting a journey so he should help me"she grumbled as she tied her hair band on her black hair.Ash was a friend of kimikos and they decided they travel around jhoto toghether once kimiko moved to kanto.there was a knock at the door it was rene she was wearing a green top with lime green shorts and a cardigan that was forest grreen.even thought she was only seven she loved and knew which pokemon to she would get a chimchar."hey ya coming ash is downstairs wating lets go "yelled an inpatint rena."there you are ive packed your backpacks "called there mother lucy who also worked in the battle frontier.the two thanked there mom and said goodbye to there father then walked out the door."ohh my gosh kimiko,we forgot ash ".quick as a whip kimiko ran back to her house to find ash eating pancakes."sorry kim i got side tracked ...haha"ash laughed.just then ash's cell phone rang "umm hello...oh may what you doing here wait what are you drew and harley doing here!"
 
dot dot dot

The shift and enter keys are your friends. That's hardly scratching the surface, but since I can barely read it as is...
 
Make paragraphs. Use a space after each sentence. Use capitalization. Run it through spell check. Use proper punctuation. Make it longer. Make a more interesting story. Use description. Make your sentences less choppy. Vary sentence length. Loosen up on the random caps. Did you listen to any of the advice you got last time?

*sigh*
You need so much help.

But maybe this is just so good you don't need any of that! It's avant-garde and comes without frills so it can touch your soul. It's edgy and raw. Yes! Yes, that must be it. Avant-garde at it's finest. [/sarky]
 
Zephy Changes said:
Make paragraphs. Use a space after each sentence. Use capitalization. Run it through spell check. Use proper punctuation. Make it longer. Make a more interesting story. Use description. Make your sentences less choppy. Vary sentence length. Loosen up on the random caps. Did you listen to any of the advice you got last time?

*sigh*
You need so much help.
[/sarky]
Click to expand...

you actually tried to give this advice?? I applaud you XD
 
Let's hope this person takes this advice. If not, Turbo has some competition.

:p
 
Hmm, Zephy is the one to listen to.
Or then, A decent competition for Turbo would be nice. His stories are the greatest! Sooo funny, and exhilarating! THere's no plotholes at all and the layout is very readable! The chapters are extremely short, but that makes it all the better! You can even tell exactly what the story's ike from the very first line!
[/ExtremeSarcasm]
 
ok if you dont like it ill quit writing the rest
and you can all go to ******* turbo!
 
Seven-letter cuss?
Oh, and I would like it if you listened to the Following quote, right here. Or look seven posts up.
Zephy Changes said:
Make paragraphs. Use a space after each sentence. Use capitalization. Run it through spell check. Use proper punctuation. Make it longer. Make a more interesting story. Use description. Make your sentences less choppy. Vary sentence length. Loosen up on the random caps. Did you listen to any of the advice you got last time?
Click to expand...
The rest was because we're all immature brats. Yeah, we know.
[/Maybe a tiny bit more Sarcasm]
 
Blanka sucks! Chun Li and her wall-jumping abilities along with her super fast kicks are butter than Blanka in every way!
 
Not before Chun Li kicks you!
Oh, and aren't we sorta spamming?
 
The Meme-er said:
Oh, and aren't we sorta spamming?
Click to expand...

You've racked up 2.5k posts in 6-7 months and suddenly you're all "oh God am I spamming? =((((("

And this is justifiable given that this exchange is more entertaining than the actual fic in the OP itself.
 
ss501girl said:
The sun shone in kimiko's bedroom that was quite deserted.kimiko
was supposed to start her pokemon journey but had to wait
untill all the proffesers had done there metting in proffeser oak's lab,the only good thing about it was that they would bring along there region starters so she would have more options.
Click to expand...
How fun, National Dex'd right at the start.
"ahh i carnt wait any longer!"she rored."hey sis if your going to make me deaf if you keep screaming like that"screamed back her little sister rena.
Click to expand...
I carnt wait to read more.
kimiko then nuged rena out the room and started changing out of her nightie into a white top and a pink skirt underneth were white shorts.
Click to expand...
While you're at it, describe her underwear too.
"HMMMMMMM.....if i get a piplup or charmaner mabye a mudkip what about cydaquill ill think i'll ask ash if he ever comes round hes handled this starting a journey so he should help me"she grumbled as she tied her hair band on her black hair.
Click to expand...
OH WOW. SHE'S FRIENDS WITH ASH, GEE, I WONDER WHERE THIS IS GOING? OBVIOUSLY IT WON'T END UP WITH A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ASH AND KIMIKO, RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?
Ash was a friend of kimikos and they decided they travel around jhoto toghether once kimiko moved to kanto.there was a knock at the door it was rene she was wearing a green top with lime green shorts and a cardigan that was forest grreen.even thought she was only seven she loved and knew which pokemon to she would get a chimchar.
Click to expand...
Now, hold on a minute...Who's Rene? And while we're on the subject, who is "she" who wants a Chimchar? Is it Kimiko? Rene?
"hey ya coming ash is downstairs wating lets go "yelled an inpatint rena."there you are ive packed your backpacks "called there mother lucy who also worked in the battle frontier.
Click to expand...
I'm wating for you to use spellcheck. In fact, I'm wating so much, I think I'm becoming inpatint.
the two thanked there mom and said goodbye to there father then walked out the door."ohh my gosh kimiko,we forgot ash ".quick as a whip kimiko ran back to her house to find ash eating pancakes."sorry kim i got side tracked ...haha"ash laughed.just then ash's cell phone rang "umm hello...oh may what you doing here wait what are you drew and harley doing here!"
Click to expand...

First of all, HOW can they forget Ash? He was mentioned like five seconds before they left. Second, didn't they just leave? So why would they have to run back? Third, he was wating "downstairs", so why did they miss him? Fourth, why would May be with HARLEY? He's her freaking ENEMY. Not RIVAL, ENEMY.

In all, I don't know what to say. The plot's just lacking, with everything falling through the plot holes...the description is ridden with spelling errors and grammar errors and...how many people actually read through this? Who can bear to read through it...?

Score: 2/5, since I'm feeling kind.
 
White Len said:
How fun, National Dex'd right at the start.

I carnt wait to read more.

While you're at it, describe her underwear too.

OH WOW. SHE'S FRIENDS WITH ASH, GEE, I WONDER WHERE THIS IS GOING? OBVIOUSLY IT WON'T END UP WITH A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ASH AND KIMIKO, RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?

Now, hold on a minute...Who's Rene? And while we're on the subject, who is "she" who wants a Chimchar? Is it Kimiko? Rene?

I'm wating for you to use spellcheck. In fact, I'm wating so much, I think I'm becoming inpatint.


First of all, HOW can they forget Ash? He was mentioned like five seconds before they left. Second, didn't they just leave? So why would they have to run back? Third, he was wating "downstairs", so why did they miss him? Fourth, why would May be with HARLEY? He's her freaking ENEMY. Not RIVAL, ENEMY.

In all, I don't know what to say. The plot's just lacking, with everything falling through the plot holes...the description is ridden with spelling errors and grammar errors and...how many people actually read through this? Who can bear to read through it...?

Score: 2/5, since I'm feeling kind.
Click to expand...

I LOLed big time
 
Please note: The thread is from 17 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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