EVERYONE: My Fanfic:Charcoal's Destiny

[RaichuArcanine77]

Charcoal's Destiny is a story by me following a brave Charmander's quest to become a top rate explorer.Her destiny is etwined with many others and the path to glory and true friendship will be filled with many dangers, and a lot harder than she expects....
I've included a Main Character index below. Also, since I've been working on this fanfic for a while, I'll post a chapter every day or so.

Character Index

Name:Charcoal
Species:Charmander.
Age:10
Family:Riki(foster dad) and Sammy(foster mother).
Dream: To become the world's greatest pokemon explorer.

Name:Sammy
Species:Charizard
Age:25
Family:Charcoal(foster daughter), Riki(husband).
Dream:To see Charcoal grow up to be a good, kindhearted pokemon, to always love Riki even in old age.

Name:Riki
Species:Charizard
Age:30
Family:Charcoal(foster daughter), Sammy(wife).
Dream:To help Charcoal grow up big and strong, to always love Sammy even in old age.

Name:Zorbas
Species:Mawile
Age:26
Family:None, parents died from unknown causes, no siblings.
Dream:To fufill his dark, unseen destiny...

Name:Gemma
Species:Lopunny
Age:28
Family:Saffy-Mother, Faref-Father
Dream:For my guild to be the best ever exploration team guild!

Name:Sandyclaw's
Species:Sandshrew
Age:10
Family-Charme-Father, Babik-Mother
Dream:

Nameenny
Species:Sceptile
Age:28
Family-Seffr-Father, Hirai-Mother
Dream:To make grass meadows the safest place possible under my protection.

Chapter 1-My alarm clock was beeping and I heard a Dodrio cry in the distance, signaling the arrival of dawn. I blearily stretched, got out of bed and went over to the mirror. As always, I found myself wishing that I was a normal coloured Charmander. Instead of the normal orange, my skin was a shiny golden colour which blended with my cream coloured belly and my eyes where a stunning blue, the flame on my tail burned brightly. I went downstairs to the kitchen, were my foster parents, a couple of Charizard’s stood with breakfast. My real parents we’re killed when I was just 2 years old. As per usual my foster dad Riki greeted me warmly, while my foster mother, Sammy, made me breakfast and gave me a hug. I ate my breakfast quickly and with a small sigh, went to check the mail that was on the kitchen bench. I sifted through the mail, hoping to find a letter confirming my acceptance to a rescue team guild. It’s my lifelong dream to create and lead the world’s finest rescue team. I saw many bills and letters from family and when I came down to the last letter my heart skipped a beat. I glanced at it and almost fainted with joy when I opened it and read that it was from “Lopunnys Guild of Fun and Friendship” with my heart ready to burst out of my chest with joy and excitement I read that her Guild would be very happy to accept me, and to meet her at the Guild at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. I gave an excited yell and went to show my foster parents the letter. To my dismay, they skim read the letter and sternly told me that ”An exploration team Guild is no place for a young charmander like you, there is too much risk involved, you will stay here and get a nice job at the bank”. I opened my mouth to argue but shut it again as a plan formed in my mind. I said “Okay, I will stay here and just let my dreams slide away”. This was meant to be sarcastic, but luckily for me Riki and Sammy took it seriously. I forced myself to walk instead of run up the stairs to my room. I packed some food, water, blankets, toothbrush and of course the letter, plus my favourite red bow, my blue scarf and pink bracelet. I took a few deep breaths and left a letter for my foster parents. I reread what I’d written “Dear Riki and Sammy, I want to thank you for taking such good care of me these last 8 years, but I’m going to chase my dreams, and I hope that you care for me enough to respect my decision and let me live my life the for myself” Sincerely yours Charcoal. I took one last look around my beloved room, took one deep breath and opened my window. I used a nearby tree to lower myself around, looked at the sunset in the east, the direction we’re the guild was, and took my first step into a brand new world full of fun and adventure as well as mystery.

Tell me what you think!

~RA~​

 

[an illegible mess.]

one thing to note: instead of putting this all in one huge block of test, paragraph it and double space it every time you have a new paragraph. it's proper grammar, and is easier to read. just think of a book's format.

I went downstairs to the kitchen, were my foster parents, a couple of Charizard’s stood with breakfast. My real parents we’re killed when I was just 2 years old. As per usual my foster dad Riki greeted me warmly, while my foster mother, Sammy, made me breakfast and gave me a hug.

i've bolded the grammar mistakes in here for you. nothing too bad, you just seem to be confused about how to work with "we're" and "were". "we're" is short for we are. now, put that in this sentence "my real parents we are killed..." right, it doesn't make sense. "were" is the proper term to use. as for the other, it may have just been a typo, but it should be "where".

To my dismay, they skim read the letter and sternly told me that ”An exploration team Guild is no place for a young charmander like you, there is too much risk involved, you will stay here and get a nice job at the bank”.

possibly another typo, but since you're in past tense here, skim should be skimmed.

I said “Okay, I will stay here and just let my dreams slide away”. This was meant to be sarcastic, but luckily for me Riki and Sammy took it seriously.

now this sounds angsty, and, if riki and sammy took it seriously, wouldn't they try to comfort charcoal in some way considering it sounds like she's depressed about the whole ordeal? i'm just a little confused here.

other than that, it's a very short chapter with not a lot of description, and the emotions itself are bland. i don't feel like i can relate to charcoal at all because the emotions in this are so... suppressed i would say.

still, don't let my review dishearten you, take it as a chance to update your chapter and get better at writing! practice makes perfect. i'd be more than willing to read the next chapter.

 

[RaichuArcanine77]

Thanks for your comments. I do paragraph, but only in the later chapters, I'll edit the first one. As for the lack of emotion, the stroy gets way more involved and evokes feelings aorund chapter 10-15. Here's a treat for you guys, two chapters!
Chapter 2- After many hours of trudging through scrubland and city alike, I’d finally made it to “Lopunny’s Guild of Fun and Friendship”. Though now that I was standing at the gates, I didn’t know what to make of it. The gate was solid gray and at least twice my height. I opened my backpack and got out my acceptance letter, the gate was installing a feeling of dread into me and I was suddenly feeling threatened by whatever was inside. After taking several deep breaths to try and calm myself down, I knocked loudly on the gate. While I waited, I kept reading the letter and thinking about home and my foster parents, which sent a flow of tears to my eyes, which I quickly wiped away. A sudden sound by the gate startled me; a mawile was standing there, their eyes narrowed towards me. It said in a gruff voice “Who are you? If you came to sell something, we have no need for cleaning products or anything else.”I realized that it must be a male and not a very nice one at that, which to my dismay caused me to stutter. “I’m, I’m Char-Charcoal the Charmander, I-I have a letter of accep-acceptance here to-to this guild”. He glared at me his eyes still narrowed, while I showed him the letter. He scanned it for a few moments, then nodded curtly, opened the gate and said “Charcoal huh? Guild master Lopunny talked about you earlier. I’m Zorbas the Mawile and deputy here at this exploration guild. I just nodded, too nervous to speak. He lead my towards the entrance, carefully shutting the gate after him. When I stepped inside, I was amazed by how beautiful this place was. I’d stepped into a sandy floored clearing; the walls were padded with soft moss there were several wooden chairs and three cave entrances: one on the left, one the right and another one in the center. Zorbas saw my look of mingled curiosity and confusion and explained to me that “Were we are standing right now is the main clearing where meetings and such are held, the cave to the left leads to the bedrooms and the storeroom, the cave to the right leads to the kitchen and dining area and the central cave leads to Guild Master Lopunny’s room. That’s where we will be going now.” He headed off, with me trailing behind like an obedient growlithe. We reached the cave in less than 5 minutes although to me it felt like forever. I braced myself as I walked further towards my destiny…

Chapter 3-As I entered Guild Master Lopunny’s room, I noticed that it was nicely furnished- the walls were lined with moss and even bird Pokémon feathers, a comfortable bed lay on the right end of the room. An equally comfortable looking chair with a few pillows stacked on it was placed in the center of the room.
My breath caught in my throat when I realized that Guild Master Lopunny herself was sitting there, looking every bit like a queen. She wore a pair of blue flowers on each hand, wound together to form a bracelet. She fixed me with a gaze that was piercing but also friendly. The she spoke “Why hello there, you must be Charcoal, it’s so nice to finally meet you. I’m Gemma the Lopunny, though most Pokémon just call me Guild Master Lopunny.” Fortunately, I found my voice and managed to reply “It’s nice to meet you too. I am very glad to be here. I love your crown!
That statement made me blush and curse my big mouth. Gemma just smiled, but before she could speak, Zorbas broke in and practically roared “How dare you show such disrespect to our Guild master?”I’ll snap off your arms and shove them done your throat!” Anger and hate were smoldering like fire in his eyes, which made me wonder –why does he hate me so much? Gemma looked very surprised at Zorbas’s sudden outburst and said “Zorbas! There was no call for that outburst, I’m glad that she likes my crown, apologize at once!” “I’m sorry” Zorbas muttered. Gemma gave him a long look and then said “I should think so, please show Charcoal to her room”.
He did as she said, me trailing a good length behind because I valued my arms. My room was the same as any of the others: moss clad walls, a bed with a soft pillow and blankets, a small table of draws and cupboard and a mirror.
As I fell asleep I kept thinking about the anger and hate that had blazed in Zorbas’s eyes at my innocent comment and my dreams where haunted with him snapping of my arms and shoving them down my throat, all the while laughing like a mad Pokémon.

~RA~​

 

[Brayquaza64]

Good to see your stories again.
I remember before when you use to get lots of comments from Serris. Now you got Lady Lucifer helping you out.