My first fan fic

[Serenity~]

ok I'm not soo good with fanfics this is just a start and a practice and I'm bound to make errors with spelling don't expect alot out of me.. since right now I could use a rp as well to help write my story if anyone wants to be in it as a hoenn traveling trainer I will allow it.

so here we go

Prologue

Hi there! I'm Bryanna of Lavaridge town home of the Gym leader Flannery.I'm 12 years old like all trainers I started my Pokemon training at age 10,Unlike other trainers I didnt see professor Birch in Sandgem town I got my first Pokemon from a Pokemon egg.In time My egg hatched into a Eevee and I loved it so much cause I adored Eevees.I love traveling but I only traveled to visit my family in other places,Just like a typical girl I love to shop in Lillycove city Department store as well as enjoying the beach.Of course, I also collect Pokemon as well as breed Eevee. I wanna be an Eevee master, and have all of its evolutions as well as to be a Gym leader of Lavaridge,but I still got a lot to learn.

Its probably a good thing we have a big backyard with all kinds of berries as well of course the new addition to the house happens to be My eeveelutions own special room and there own beds. Yes, I spoil my 5 Eevees till I evolved them.My back yard was turned into a Pokemon habitat ranch place that holds all the Pokemon I caught.Of course I don't own a Magikarp...but well...I have Gyarados..you know for there well temper..well mine barely goes into rage even when provoked,but it was a normal old Gyarados after I saved it from a abusive trainer.

Ok enough about my Pokemon now on to the family business and more about me.My family has this shed its filled with Pokemon eggs when I'm home I help give away Eggs to new trainers or to even young trainers in training to have as a pet..or if there so lonely and need a friend like those that don't have a brother or sister to play with.It gives the young trainers a chance to learn responsibility and gain experience on what it will be like to have Pokemon.To be honest..I never really wanted to be a trainer..not since I found out about Pokemon contests I didn't really care about gym battles or contests I was in it for traveling.When I'm not traveling I'm at home to enjoy the hot springs which is what Lavaridge is famous for.

Right now I'm at home chilling out on the large deep lake in my swimsuit and my chair like life raft spending spending time with my water Pokemon.


be eazy yet I'll take constructive critics I wont be offended this is my first time.

 

[Every Breaking Wave]

The idea is interesting, of a travelling trainer who aims to be a master of the Eeveelutions and eventually become a Gym Leader. I like that you've established some of Bryanna's history and a setting as well; not bad, considering that's something that a lot of people forget to include. But a prologue, when it is used, should serve to set up at least a portion of the plot. You haven't included that essential ingredient, and I find that so frustrating because your very last sentence, "Right now I'm at home chilling out on the large deep lake in my swimsuit and my chair like life raft spending spending time with my water Pokemon" could have so easily been used to lead into the plot. As it is, that last sentence doesn't really have a place in comparison with the rest of the prologue.

I think it's very brave of you to write this in the first-person. That perspective always gives a more thorough look at the character's thoughts and emotions, but is more constraining when it comes to any plot or character (other people, I mean) details. We see only what Bryanna does, so unfolding the rest of the plot could be quite a challenge. I also like the way you've written Bryanna's introductory statements. I already have a feel for her attitude and speech mannerisms, which is quite impressive. Just remember to change the style when you write other characters; maybe have one character speak more formally for instance. If everyone speaks in an identical manner it's a big degree of sameness and the whole thing turns rather flat.

Your spelling is, for the most part, pretty good. On the other hand, your grammar needs a LOT of week. Especially when it comes to punctuation. Some of your sentence structure isn't the greatest either. I see a couple of sentence fragments, and a few run-on sentences too.

Work on your word choice as well. For instance:

Of course I also collect Pokemon as well as breed Eevees. I wanna be a eevee master and have all the eevee evolutions...

You used "Eevee" three times in two sentences; try to vary your language. You could have written it as "Of course, I also collect Pokemon as well as breed Eevee. I wanna be an Eevee master, and have all of its evolutions..." Remember that a Pokemon's name is both singular and plural (one Pikachu, two Pikachu), and as a name it is always capitalized. Also, when "a" is followed by a word beginning with another vowel, a becomes "an".

Overall, for a first effort it is pretty damn good, but like all of us you still have a ways to go. Try working on the things pointed out above and you will improve.

 

[Serenity~]

thank you I can change it I was going to fast when I had it in my mind..

yes I will have a few run ons....I was never good with that writing lessons.. and terrible of knowing what punctuation belongs where...

 

[Every Breaking Wave]

If you'd like a beta-reader to look over it before you post and help you to fix some of those errors, I'd be more than happy to help.

 

[Serenity~]

oh thank you that be helpful....I failed the writing half of english class... well with some things... and mostly tests...I know my punctuation marks and how there put.. but with run ons... I wouldnt know a thing...I'm actually lucky I graduated...and since 6 grade unlike all the other kids.. I got eazy words to spell.

 

[Every Breaking Wave]

Well, I can try to help you with that. =) Just send any future chapters to me through PM and I'll go over it with you.