My mixed feelings on the dating world

[Steelrush]

I've had a rather faulty experience regarding the dating world, and it's had a very grim effect on me. I've never had a girlfriend, one first kiss, or anything like that. It caused me a long case of depression, which ended when I started hearing/reading people's stories of bad & abusive relationships, and that produced massive pessimism in me, and remembering the nasty marriage my parents had increased that feeling.

However, the desire to have a lover in my life slowly returned, and on valentines day, I was so depressed that I was on the verge of committing suicide. My friends and family prevented me from doing that though, because I know that would greatly upset them, and I definitely don't want to do that.

My living situation right now is clearly preventing me from having a relationship, I live with my parents, I'm not going to college right now (there aren't any good jobs open right now that can produce a enough income for me to move out and get my own house), and I can't legally drive (seizures).

Most of us know that many women DO NOT like guys who live with their parents and don't have cars. Not only that, but because of that situation, I can rarely go to any social events or anything of the sort.

___

Well, even if I had full independence, I still wonder if the whole thing is worth it. After talking to one of my friends, she told me that it isn't as hard as I thought it was, but still...so many people end up getting emotionally devastated for the rest of their lives. After my dad got divorced from my mom, he was mopey and depressed for months. He even lost weight (going from 200 pounds to 150), and barely smiled at all.

Finding the right person seems almost impossible for everyone, and although I'd like to have a girlfriend and experience such a thing, I wonder if it's worth the risk.

On one occasion, there was a teenager who killed himself after his girlfriend broke up with him, and several other things like that have occurred in the past as well.

I'd like to have a lover, but at the same time, I didn't think it was worth the cost. :disgust:

 

[xoddf2]

With this, I go public with my situation.

I intend to stay single for life.

I, like the OP, have never had a girlfriend. I tried once, in high school, to get a girlfriend, but it failed. I acted like an idiot. (PM me for more information.) Sometime between that incident and my 2nd crush, I decided that I should stay single for life, for several reasons:

• It costs too much money. A girlfriend would introduce too much overhead.
• It is an attack on one's freedom.
• It would conflict with my plan to live alone the rest of my life.
• It would conflict with my plan to stay childfree.
• It makes one do things one would not normally do, including some very stupid and dangerous things.

If the "soulmate" exists, I hope I never meet her. If I find The One™, I must reject her. I would be ashamed if I had a girlfriend.

 

[Pastellorama]

I think if you feel like it's something you want in your life, you should pursue it--it's your right to pursue happiness. Just remember, it's really just a lot of communication on both sides, if you have money issues then make it clear to her that you can't just buy her stuff willy-nilly. She'll likely understand that just fine, because most people have money problems these days so she probably knows exactly how you feel. Heck, she might even keep you in check if you decide to purchase something on a whim (I know I've stopped Sean from purchasing Magic the Gathering cards when he was low on gas funds several times now).

As for the parts in a relationship that can hurt, and how some people might kill themselves or behave severely depressed--try to keep a level head about your relationships, be mature about them and don't get upset with your partner for stupid things. If they get upset with you for stupid things, like looking at another person, then they probably aren't ready to be in a relationship (vice versa if you do the same thing). Always communicate, talk things out before specific situations arise so that you both know how to react when you hit them

 

[Steelrush]

With this, I go public with my situation.

I intend to stay single for life.

I, like the OP, have never had a girlfriend. I tried once, in high school, to get a girlfriend, but it failed. I acted like an idiot. (PM me for more information.) Sometime between that incident and my 2nd crush, I decided that I should stay single for life, for several reasons:

• It costs too much money. A girlfriend would introduce too much overhead.
• It is an attack on one's freedom.
• It would conflict with my plan to live alone the rest of my life.
• It would conflict with my plan to stay childfree.
• It makes one do things one would not normally do, including some very stupid and dangerous things.

If the "soulmate" exists, I hope I never meet her. If I find The One™, I must reject her. I would be ashamed if I had a girlfriend.

Yeah, I told myself that stuff several times, and the desire to have a lover did not go away. -_-

However, this part adds another question to my mind:

• 
  [*]It costs too much money. A girlfriend would introduce too much overhead.
  [*]It is an attack on one's freedom.
• It would conflict with my plan to live alone the rest of my life.
• It would conflict with my plan to stay childfree.
  [*]It makes one do things one would not normally do, including some very stupid and dangerous things.

If that stuff is true in most cases, then why do happy couples exist...?

 

[RaccoonGoon]

You should just go for it, man.

I mean, I've never "went" for it, but that's another tale.

 

[Pastellorama]

With this, I go public with my situation.

I intend to stay single for life.

I, like the OP, have never had a girlfriend. I tried once, in high school, to get a girlfriend, but it failed. I acted like an idiot. (PM me for more information.) Sometime between that incident and my 2nd crush, I decided that I should stay single for life, for several reasons:

• It costs too much money. A girlfriend would introduce too much overhead.
• It is an attack on one's freedom.
• It would conflict with my plan to live alone the rest of my life.
• It would conflict with my plan to stay childfree.
• It makes one do things one would not normally do, including some very stupid and dangerous things.

If the "soulmate" exists, I hope I never meet her. If I find The One™, I must reject her. I would be ashamed if I had a girlfriend.

Yeah, I told myself that stuff several times, and the desire to have a lover did not go away. -_-

However, this part adds another question to my mind:

• 
  [*]It costs too much money. A girlfriend would introduce too much overhead.
• It is an attack on one's freedom.
• It would conflict with my plan to live alone the rest of my life.
• It would conflict with my plan to stay childfree.
• It makes one do things one would not normally do, including some very stupid and dangerous things.

If that stuff is true in most cases, then why do happy couples exist...?

Because, they're not looking at in that light--they are choosing to enter into a partnership, not being forced into enslavement.

 

[Nicoleta01]

Before I got married, I had only one boyfriend, and I ended up marrying him. I was my husband's first and only girlfriend too so go figure. Our situation was a bit complex at first. He lived 70 miles away, had a job and lived on his own, and could only see me once per week. Meanwhile, I was in college, lived at home, and could barely afford presents for him. To me, dating was lucky, I met a nice guy who loved me and spoiled me to death, but I realize others aren't as lucky. As others have stated, people break up, divorce, and in general have drama.

My best advice would be to take it slowly. If it means going through many people then so be it. It is worth the wait, as once you have someone that cares for you and love you, then you will spend more time thinking how long it took to get to that point. It becomes a partnership, where two people are each the other's best friend, confident, and love. If someone only wants to date you because you have money or a car, they aren't worth it. If they want to date you because of your qualities, then they are worth it.

@Steelrush things take time, and that's as much as I can say. I only have myself to relate to. The love and support I receive from my husband is worth the costs. We don't agree on everything, we don't enjoy some activities the other does, but we love one another, we enjoy each other's company and support each other in goals. Honestly, things aren't much different from when we were dating.

 

[Lord Aizen]

this is a hard one..
i've had crushes and found love before, but fate likes screwing me over so stuff doesn't work out.

so the best idea is, work it like this "get school and stuff over, and spend my 20s finding a partner, and hopefully avoid children.".

 

[Alolan Ninetales]

My love life hasn't been so perfect. Three failed relationships, but that hasn't stopped me from finding love. From what experiences I've dealt with so far, I've learned that you're gonna go through pain and hurt before finally getting to be happy. It's gonna take time before this happens, but when it will, all of the other bad stuff you've dealt with would've been worth it.

 

[Steelrush]

My love life hasn't been so perfect. Three failed relationships, but that hasn't stopped me from finding love. From what experiences I've dealt with so far, I've learned that you're gonna go through pain and hurt before finally getting to be happy. It's gonna take time before this happens, but when it will, all of the other bad stuff you've dealt with would've been worth it.

Have you gone through significant pain (such as depression that almost put you on the verge of suicide), and then entered a relationship that makes you so happy that it's as if you've gone to heaven without dying in the slightest?

 

[Alolan Ninetales]

Yup, and then I got my heart broken all over again. It's nothing that I'm happy about, but sometimes, you have to go through a little rain before you'll finally see a rainbow.

 

[Steelrush]

Yup, and then I got my heart broken all over again. It's nothing that I'm happy about, but sometimes, you have to go through a little rain before you'll finally see a rainbow.

What exactly is the length of that rain storm anyway?

 

[Alolan Ninetales]

To be honest, it depends. Varies from person to person.

 

[Maze]

Most of us know that many women DO NOT like guys who live with their parents and don't have cars. Not only that, but because of that situation, I can rarely go to any social events or anything of the sort.

Many women are stupid and I say that as a woman. My boyfriend lives with his parents and he doesn't have a car. I hate cars, they're bad for the environment. Girls who think things like these matter are NOT worth it, ignore them.

I'd like to have a lover, but at the same time, I don't think it's worth the cost. :disgust:

Ah you're just like me and probably many many others. Love is the best en the most terrible thing at the same time, there's just nothing you can do about that.

I've been through all of it; have had good and bad relationships, have been rejected, have been broken up with and have broken up relationships myself. The worst was when someone broke up with me, I was depressed for at least a year, not seeing any reason to live anymore. But I was still in puberty back then, so that makes things 10 times worse So yeah, those things happen, but you will get over it even if it can take a long time. Because after every relationship I was like "screw men, I shall stay single for the rest of my life!" and I would keep that thought for like two months before getting lonely again and seeing candidates for relationships everywhere, haha.

It's just so much fun when you're actually in a relationship with someone. Yes, some of my relationships didn't last, but that doesn't mean I don't have nice memories about them (expect for one, but let's just all pretend that never happened ). Most of my ex-boyfriends are now still my friends and I'm happy about that. They just weren't the one or I wasn't the one for them, but hey we tried. And you learn from it, helps you find out what kind of person you're actually looking for. I do think it's worth it, the relationship I'm in now has been lasting for about four years already and it's seriously the best thing that ever happened to me. And no, it's not a fairytale, you have to work on it. Loads of communication is needed, like Hallowheart said. We've had break ups, all because of lack of communication and because we wouldn't always accept each other as we were. But we always get together again and it gets better and better everytime. It's just nice to have someone who really loves you and who you can share everything with and who will support you with whatever you do. And yes, fights (non-physical) happen, but you just have to keep talking to each other about everything that bothers you and they won't last long.

As for you, not having a girlfriend is not a disaster, I know loads of guys who never had a girlfriend and they're around the age of 22 now. I know it can be hard to find someone, the only advice I can give is to go to places where people are who have things in common with you. The only reason I have had some boyfriends, is because I went to an amateur theatre school in town. I loved acting and dressing up and stuff and so did all the others, we had loads in common and that's the best way to find a relationship in my opinion. Furthermore: if you like someone, tell her. Yes, you can get rejected and it will hurt but that won't kill you. She can also say "yes" you know and you will never know that if you don't ask

So yeah, here's my tl'dr story, hope I could be of some help ^^;

PS: I'm terribly sorry if my English grammar fails btw, it still causes me trouble sometimes.

 

[Falconwing]

You're being far too analytical about this. Let's break it down. The human race's basic function is to reproduce. That much we cannot argue.

Now, you claim girls don't like guys who live with their parents or don't have cars. Sorry, that's incorrect. That's an ultimatum that is unfairly applied to an entire section of the possibility. Women are not show shallow that they only care about statuses.

Women are people too. Many women feel the same things you feel. Many of them wonder if they'll ever find a guy they can be with. It ends with both of them refusing to say anything and ultimately being miserable because the desire to be with each is eating away at them while socially they're frightened of doing anything.

No offense, but that's not true. I have known the outcomes of situations that need my input before I even do anything, and whenever I've assumed that I was going to fail, I was right.

That's also the absolute wrong way to look at it. You NEVER know the outcome to an event with 100% certainty until you actually shape the outcome yourself. And if you set yourself up mentally to fail, you will. Telling yourself you can't do something makes that a truth. You will be unable to anything unless you allow yourself too.

Confidence is the only thing I can tell you that is truly attractive to people. Not arrogance, confidence. A belief in yourself and strength of character. Find someone in this world who can look you in the eye and say, "I want my lover to be an arrogant pig" or "I want them to be a shrinking violet incapable of self-esteem." I don't believe you can ever find anybody.

Now, you mention seizures. Have you ever had an epileptic seizure brought on from stress? If so, while I am very sorry, have you ever attempted to take the stress out of your life? Find what it is that stress' you out. To me, it seems that your LACK of a partner is causing you unneeded stress. Following your logic, you could die from be alone.

Carpe Diam. Don't just sit around and worry about how things will turn out or obsess over the outcomes. Find some confidence in yourself and, if there is someone you care for (I recommend being good friends in the first place) You might be surprised by just how open they are to beginning a relationship with you.

And if that doesn't work, try again. Giving up and admitting defeat earns you nothing but misery.

And if you don't believe me, just consider all of this. Life is too short to worry so much. Dying alone is the worst way to die.

 

[Falconwing]

Okay, I meant to write I believe you CAN find someone. Sorry.

If you're doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then yes, that's insanity. HOWEVER, this is not like that. You can do the same things over and over, but you are who you are. You can change who you are. Now, unless you're trying multiple times with the same woman, you're going to get different results. Different women react in different ways. Sooner or later, you will find one who appreciates you for who you are. That's not insanity. That's trial and error. That's life.

Now, here's the thing. I think you're thinking way too much about your own mortality. Yes, you will die. As will I. As will my girlfriend. As will all of us and our girlfriends. However, you are 21. I'm 19. Both of us have no reason to be considering how we will die. And yes, I was serious when I said you could die from being alone. You seem to be reacting very strongly to the fact you are alone, even swearing that you refuse to die alone. That right there shows that you are stressing yourself out over this.

Relax. Live a little. Accept that you will fail sometimes, but sooner or later you will strike gold. Finding the perfect woman for you is not an instant process. It takes time, effort, repetition, and some luck.

As for how I can't imagine how you feel... no, I can imagine. I can imagine a great deal. I've been through this. Many people have. It's natural. The trick is not letting it get us down. You claim that you can easily find confidence in yourself. Show me that. Right now, I'm not seeing confidence.

Either way, I'm just offering my advice for your situation. I'm sorry you have the condition you do. All I can say to that is that while I may not be a doctor, I don't think working yourself up over your love life is good for your health.

 

[Steelrush]

Okay, I meant to write I believe you CAN find someone. Sorry.

It's okay, do not feel guilt.

If you're doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then yes, that's insanity. HOWEVER, this is not like that. You can do the same things over and over, but you are who you are. You can change who you are. Now, unless you're trying multiple times with the same woman, you're going to get different results. Different women react in different ways. Sooner or later, you will find one who appreciates you for who you are. That's not insanity. That's trial and error. That's life.

And that can be cruel, but life is a gift, an excellent gift indeed. Some people might live unhappy lives, but they will ultimately be given a path to happiness.

And yes, I was serious when I said you could die from being alone. You seem to be reacting very strongly to the fact you are alone, even swearing that you refuse to die alone.

I certainly do.

That right there shows that you are stressing yourself out over this.

And that will end.

Relax. Live a little.

I already do.

Accept that you will fail sometimes,

I already do...

but sooner or later you will strike gold.

That sounds appealing.

Finding the perfect woman for you is not an instant process. It takes time, effort, repetition, and some luck.

As for how I can't imagine how you feel... no, I can imagine. I can imagine a great deal. I've been through this. Many people have. It's natural. The trick is not letting it get us down. You claim that you can easily find confidence in yourself. Show me that. Right now, I'm not seeing confidence.

Either way, I'm just offering my advice for your situation. I'm sorry you have the condition you do. All I can say to that is that while I may not be a doctor, I don't think working yourself up over your love life is good for your health.

Then in that case, I say I'll leave the whole negativity thing behind. The stress will be a thing of the past, and I'll go out and get involved in whatever social event I can. If finding a lover is that beneficial then I'll gladly accept what's being offered to me.

You (and a few others) make romantic love sound like a really good thing if you find the right person, and if that's true, then I'll go ahead and do just that.

And to be perfectly honest, I do want to have girlfriend/future wife, I was just worried about getting hurt. But now, I change my mind, I'm going to try to get one, and I'm not going to stop. If I'm going to get beat up (emotionally) in the process, then so be it. It's better then stressing out all the time.

I'm getting a girlfriend in the future then, but not for the sake of having one. But for the emotional benefits, and the fact that I can contribute to making someone's life even better.

Thank you for your help.

 

[xoddf2]

Romantic love causes more problems than it solves. As I said, it is the enemy of one's freedom, and adds unnecessary expense. I boycott the entire system of romance. It is the opium of the people, and I refuse to participate in such a thing. I prefer to get pleasure from my sentient abilities.

 

[Maze]

Romantic love causes more problems than it solves. As I said, it is the enemy of one's freedom, and adds unnecessary expense. I boycott the entire system of romance. It is the opium of the people, and I refuse to participate in such a thing. I prefer to get pleasure from my sentient abilities.

It doesn't have to be the enemy of your freedom, that's mostly your own choice. I've had a boyfriend who wanted me to stop spending my time with one of my male friends. It's then your choice if you accept his/her wishes or not. I didn't, so my freedom was never taken because I simply don't allow it to be taken.

And if by unnecessary expense you mean that you have to spend a lot of money on him/her, than that's again entirely your own choice. Girls won't break up with you if you don't buy them enough jewelry or clothes and stuff, and if they do then again they're not worth it. Jeez, you guys really only meet stupid girls, don't you? They're not all like that, I even doubt any girl on this forum is like that, because they all play pokemon and that mostly means that they're not the type that cares about which car you drive.

But this all doesn't mean that I disapprove with you about not wanting to be in a relationship. That's also entirely your own choice. I'm just saying that you arguments are invalid.

 

[xoddf2]

[...] I've had a boyfriend who wanted me to stop spending my time with one of my male friends. [...]

For example, my most recent crush, who was extremely shy, had an overprotective boyfriend who apparently did not want her to be with her male friends, because he feared that they would attempt to take her from him. From what I understand, he was insecure due to his appearance.

Also, I still do not understand how one can get happiness from a relationship... To me, they seem mutually exclusive.