TEEN: Nick's epic journey

[Captain_Kaos]

This I admit is a journey fanfic but there are those people who like them so what the heck. This is my first fanfic or anything posted in the workshop, so offer feedback if you feel the need.

This is a journey about a 15 year old boy named Nick setting out to adventure Sinnoh and see how much different it is from just living in a small town. The last name will come up later.

Contents

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3(coming soon)

Chapter 1

Spoiler

“Make sure you finish your whole breakfast” Mum droned on, but I could barely hear her over the way I was shoveling my bacon and eggs, so that I could go to Professor Rowan’s lab to pick up my starter Pokémon.
I already had an idea of what I would pick but nothing was confirmed.

“Hey Professor Rowan, I’m here ready to pick up my Pokémon” I yelled but it seemed like his lab was deserted, then I heard a door open to reveal Professor Rowan, “Ah there you my boy, I have been waiting” as I walked up slowly I started to think of what would happen first getting my Pokédex or receiving my starter Pokémon.

As Professor Rowan was talking while leading me to get the Pokémon I was all giddy and happy as I thought which should I get, Chimchar, Turtwig, or Piplup they all evolved into a work of art and known for their final evolution, like Empoleon because he can swim for ages and that might be helpful, Torterra because he can take so many hits without even getting a scratch, or Infernape because of his speed and agility and just sheer strength.

The choice was easy, fast and strong. “Okay Nick it’s time for you to choose a Pokémon, there is the fire Pokémon Chimchar” Professor Rowan said as he threw a Poké Ball then a beam of red shot out to show an orange chimpanzee-like Pokémon with really big ears and a fire burning on its backside, “Next we have the water starter Piplup” Rowan threw another ball this time a blue penguin Pokémon came out, “then we have the grass one left, Turtwig” as Rowan threw up the final ball a green snapping turtle looking Pokémon came out.

“Okay, now the choice is yours Nick” Rowan added almost like an afterthought.
“I’ll pick, Chimchar” I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and I recalled him almost immediately.
“Now that you have chosen you can go now but go see your mum first, she has something for you” as I was walking out the door I heard Professor Rowan shout “Hey, you forgot to get a Pokédex” then I started to stroll down the hall way to pick it up.

As I entered my house my mum was there clutching something in her hands, “Nick, your father wanted to give this to you” as I reached out to inspect the items I found it was a badge case, a belt made to fit Poké balls, and a Poké watch. “Why couldn’t dad come and give this to me” I asked my mother, all she did was sigh then say “he’s on business in Pastoria town catching more Pokémon for Professor Rowan”.

“Whatever I will long gone by the time he gets back” I said defiantly, “See you later, mum” I said as she hugged me, “If you need money come and get some from me, oh I almost forgot Professor Rowan wanted me to give this to you” she gave me a Poké ball that was black all over accept for a square without an edge, but I immediately knew what type of ball it was, an ultra-ball “Thanks for the ultra-ball mum, I’ll be back as soon as possible”

Okay so I have 4 Poké balls and an ultra-ball, “wha-“what was that, as I slowly pick myself up I notice a smug looking Shinx, “Okay you wanna rumble, lets rumble” Just as I throw Chimchar’s Poké ball, the Shinx uses tackle and knocks my on my face, just as a single red beam attracts Shinxs attention a surprised yet fierce looking Chimchar comes out ready to defend his trainer, as I pick myself up off the ground Chimchar is eyeing up the wild Shinx.

“Chimchar scratch then jump on its back” I seemed to scream at my Pokémon hoping that Chimchar was up for it, Chimchar dashed at the Shinx but it seemed to know the plan so it dodged left while Chimchar scratched the tree behind the Shinx, then Shinx launched its own attack running at Chimchar who just turned around there was no way of dodging but climbing should work, “Chimchar climb” I screamed at my Pokémon and winced and the wild Shinx jumped and hit the back of Chimchars knee.

CRACK, just as Chimchar screamed in pain and fell to the bottom of the tree “NO, CHIMCHAR” I yelled at the top of my lungs but it turned around and faced the wild Shinx once more but only on one leg, the Shinx starts charging at Chimchar, I whip out Chimchars Poké ball and recall him but he seemed to have a game plan, as the Shinx reaches Chimchar, Chimchar leaps off his one good leg and lands on top of Shinx then he uses ember rapidly then scratches the Shinx one last time then they both feint Chimchar on top. After I recall Chimchar I say to his Poké ball “you have outdone yourself” and capture Shinx.

I reach Sandgem Town with only a few minor cuts, damn bushes, as I walk towards the Pokémon center, I wonder if Chimchar will be alright, as the door opens I walk to a nurse and ask her to heal my two Pokémon I have a shower and fall asleep almost straight away.

“Excuse me nurse how are my Pokémon at the moment? Would I be able to leave tonight tomorrow at the most?”
“Well your Pokémon are doing great you can have your Shinx back, about midday”
“What about my Chimchar?”
*********
At the moment that’s all I have so busy weekend, comment how you see fit, sorry its short i just wanted to post something. Cliff hanger.

 

[some colour no doubt]

This is a journey about a 15 year old boy named Nick setting out to adventure Sinnoh. The last name will come up later.

Just in general don't tell us this outside of the narrative, let us know in the story.



okay, onto the story itself.
Whilst there were some good things, your structure needs quite of bit of work. Remember that when a new person starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph, for example, where you had:

“Okay, now the choice is yours Nick” Rowan added almost like an afterthought, “I’ll pick, Chimchar” I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and I recalled him almost immediately, “now that you have chosen you can go now but go see your mum first, she has something for you” as I was walking out the door I heard Professor Rowan shout “Hey, you forgot to get a Pokédex” then I started to stroll down the hall way and pick it up.

It should be laid out like:

"Okay, now the choice is yours Nick" Rowan added almost like an afterthought.

"I'll pick Chimchar" I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and i recalled him almost immediately.

"Now that you have chosen you can go now but go to see your mum first, she has something for you."

Your description could use more work, and there are also a few spelling errors around. I would recommend that rather than typing this straight into the forum box where you make a post, write it up on something like Microsoft Word where the spell check will take out most of the obvious ones, but watch out as it won't recognise the names of the pokémon either.

The battle at the end against the Shinx should have been made a bit longer as it was the action at the end of the chapter or the "climax"

rather than just squashing it all into one paragraph, spread it out, describe each attack if its such a short battle and go through a bit more on what the trainer (in this case Nick) is feeling, what he is thinking about when he calls out the commands to his Chimchar, rather than just saying it. You did it a bit at the beginning, but you could do with keeping it going throughout the fight.




On the upside, you did a good job of not just saying what the pokémon were called, but also describing them. You could do with extending this description to the environments and the people, but you've got the basics there, just needs a bit more time put into it.



Just spend a bit more time writing it, remember your grammar and paragraph rules, expand your description a bit and you'll be on your first steps!

 

[Captain_Kaos]

This is a journey about a 15 year old boy named Nick setting out to adventure Sinnoh. The last name will come up later.

Just in general don't tell us this outside of the narrative, let us know in the story.



okay, onto the story itself.
Whilst there were some good things, your structure needs quite of bit of work. Remember that when a new person starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph, for example, where you had:

“Okay, now the choice is yours Nick” Rowan added almost like an afterthought, “I’ll pick, Chimchar” I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and I recalled him almost immediately, “now that you have chosen you can go now but go see your mum first, she has something for you” as I was walking out the door I heard Professor Rowan shout “Hey, you forgot to get a Pokédex” then I started to stroll down the hall way and pick it up.

It should be laid out like:

"Okay, now the choice is yours Nick" Rowan added almost like an afterthought.

"I'll pick Chimchar" I told Rowan, then he gave me the ball to Chimchar, and i recalled him almost immediately.

"Now that you have chosen you can go now but go to see your mum first, she has something for you."

Your description could use more work, and there are also a few spelling errors around. I would recommend that rather than typing this straight into the forum box where you make a post, write it up on something like Microsoft Word where the spell check will take out most of the obvious ones, but watch out as it won't recognise the names of the pokémon either.

The battle at the end against the Shinx should have been made a bit longer as it was the action at the end of the chapter or the "climax"

rather than just squashing it all into one paragraph, spread it out, describe each attack if its such a short battle and go through a bit more on what the trainer (in this case Nick) is feeling, what he is thinking about when he calls out the commands to his Chimchar, rather than just saying it. You did it a bit at the beginning, but you could do with keeping it going throughout the fight.




On the upside, you did a good job of not just saying what the pokémon were called, but also describing them. You could do with extending this description to the environments and the people, but you've got the basics there, just needs a bit more time put into it.



Just spend a bit more time writing it, remember your grammar and paragraph rules, expand your description a bit and you'll be on your first steps!

Thanks for the feed back just editing it now

 

[Captain_Kaos]

So a journey fic don’t get much notice oh well the show must go on
Okay, this is the second and hopefully more awesome chapter, the last one was a little rushed but this should be good.
Chapter 2

Spoiler

“Your Chimchar has a bruised knee and won’t be able to fight or do anything strenuous for a month, but I can get him to you in a week” the nurse told me.
“Okay, thank-you nurse” I told the nurse softly, as I sat down I thought about Shinx and decided to check her out on my Pokédex.
“Shinx, the flash Pokémon, when endangered its body shines and momentarily blinds its foe and flees.” Might as well check out her moves, I started speaking out loud, “so she knows tackle, charge and spark.”

“Hey buddy, you mind talking in your head, it’s really starting to piss me off.” As I looked up at the guy speaking rudely to me, he looked like a total dick.
“You want some hair with that gel.” I spoke defiantly back to him, then I got a full look at him, skinny jeans and a singlet was all he was wearing unless hair gel counted, “what too afraid to talk to me now.” Now I was really making him mad, his face toke on a pale pink colour.

“That’s it you little punk” he shouted at me, everyone in the Pokémon centre started to stare at us, “look at me when I talk to you.” He kept shouting and pulled a knife out of his jacket.

“Calm the hell down man” this was going a little to the extreme side, and people were looking a lot scared, just as he started pacing towards me something flashed and a Pokémon looking a lot like a plant head and roots to support that head came out then someone yelled.

“Bellsprout use sleep powder” all of a sudden the plant Pokémon started waddling towards us then started to breathe what looked like white paint flakes out of its mouth onto both of us, then I fell to the floor and my vision began to blur.
“Ugh where am I” I said uncertainly, I lazily looked around the room and noticed the guy that was being a total dick to me in the Pokémon centre, all was doing was snoring and sometimes talking in his sleep, man been a while since I’ve seen anyone important “hello someone bored here.” I said just as a nurse walked in.

This nurse was different from your run of the mill average nurse she had a nurse outfit on which just complimented her like, her red hair that bounced up and down as she started walking towards the table between me and jerk-face.

“Hello, glad to see your awake” she spoke in such a perky way that all I wanted to do was laugh, “not much of speaker are you.” She spoke with deliberate slowness.
“Na I talk a lot, just still waking up from all that sleep powder” man my mind is fuzzy as if the sleeping powder hasn’t quite worn off yet.
“You didn’t even get most of it Joshua got most of it he should be out for another 2 days or so much longer than you, you were only out for 3 days.” The nurse told me.
“3 days” I yelled, “that is way too long I have to get out of here” I started furiously thinking about my new Shinx, “Where is my bag, watch and belt for that matter” I noticed that all I wore was a night gown.

“All your things are in the closet over there” as the nurse pointed towards the closet nearest me, “but before you leave you must eat your lunch” said the nurse as she picked up my tray of food and brought it over to me, as the nurse handed the tray to me it reminded me of the morning I first got my Chimchar.
“Chimchar” I suddenly yelled spitting food all over myself, I forgot about my starter Pokémon, then I remembered that I can’t pick him up for another 4 days.
“Are you okay?” asked the nurse as she made her way over to me.
“Yeah I’m fine just thinking about Chimchar” I told the nurse, after I finished lunch I got dressed and started to make my way out the door as a different nurse ran up to me.
“Here’s your Shinx” the nurse said puffing hard, handing me the
“Shinx use charge then spark” I calmly told my Pokémon, as soon as my command reached Shinxs ears he began charging energy then head-butted Bidoof and as soon as he touched the Bidoof he let go all the electricity into Bidoof.

Bidoof fell to the ground, with his legs twitching in every direction that was possible, his twitching was starting to subdue as a let a Pokéball go, the Pokéball zoomed towards the injured Pokémon hit him on the head and he disappeared with a flash of red.
The ball moved back and forward and finally stopped and cried its, I’m caught cry.

As I walked back to the Pokémon centre I thought about Chimchar and how I can get him back tomorrow then travel to Jubilife, from there it could be Oreburgh City or Canalave City either one has a gym and I want my first badge, and the authority it held with it.

I thanked the nurse for making my Pokémon back to fighting condition, well most of them, Chimchar still had three weeks of healing to go before I could even start to train him.
This is going to suck big time, “might as well make a start” I spoke quietly to myself.
Route 202 was supposed to be a short route, well according to the news anyway but it should be good, training all my Pokémon and making my way to Jubilife City, then getting my first badge.
The start of route 202 doesn’t look to bad just a long road that leads into a forest, which can be good, or bad, hopefully it’ll be uneventful.
***********
This chapter is less rushed and hopefully better than my first one again just comment or review if you like

 

[Niji]

Nice! I'm looking forward to reading more!