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EVERYONE: - Complete [One-shot] The Lilting Misdreavus

Donna Baines

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The Lilting Misdreavus

According to the ancient and not less feared legends in the most intricate woods of Unova, since there was some madman who got through such stories, a young and very graceful Misdreavus with a voice as pleasant to the ear as the voice of a song-bird dwelled. You must know, then, that whose chant was so comely and fascinating that it incited any who heard it to an arrant attraction, which, without giving part of it, were seduced and annulled from all attachment to reason; just as the proverb declares, "When the wish is there, the eyes can say as much as the mouth." Many of them, even in nearby present days, were never saw or heard by people again.

Everyone was afraid of that mischievous shade. Not even the river, with being so abundant, dares to bother her.

She moved through the waters, like the saints. If she found herself in a thorn forest, the deadly spikes of the trees, horrified, moved aside to let her pass. They did not even dare to rub against her wandering hair or her fulgent pearls. An immense mountain, made of iron and stone, produced a tunnel for her. After she had passed, it closed instantly.

Midnight had arrived, impassive and imperturbable. The shade was beginning to clear her throat, and from there little by little, with spark and fervor, she recited the first ravings of the night. And, this done, she began to sing thus softly that it seemed that not even the devil dared to stop her, if he only appeared for it.

It so happened that just that same night, one of those hunters that keep the air rifle and swollen saddlebag in hand ventured in the dingle, crossing the steep ravines where the bosky dell ends; he betook oneself towards the clough and bid farewell to his infertile spouse. Neither sorcerers nor Gurkhas dared to impose fear on him, and not even a drop of liquor had spilled from his flask.
Fuliginous glens revealed the rivulets and the landscape began to turn darkling, some Purrloin awaited behind the bushes waiting for the right opportunity to steal.

...there, where the banshee hummed so comfortably.

An old pagan cemetery completely surrounded the edges of the clough and there rested the mossy remains of a priesthood; its entrance was decorated with fantastically inclined gullies and from within, the specter waited whispering its libidinous lay.

There was the flutter of the Murkrow fleeing in terror, and in their darkling a subtle figure shone through the gloom. The hunter was carried away by the seduction of that graceful humming, which, like a mother who deposits a gentle caress on his son, attracted him.

But a man does not have that supernatural power. No one there fears a man. He, with his instinct, knows where that lilting chant come from.
He reached the largest river in the woods and asked him:

"River! River! tell me which way that wonderful chant come from," said the hunter; "tell me the way, I will find it."

"Yes, of course," the river told him, "but this is not free. Something you should give me in return. I want your eyes"

His eyes fell into the depths of the stream, and became two costly pearls. This done, the river allows him to walk through its waters.

He reached the impassable thorn forest:

"Have you not seen someone go by, with a pleasant voice?" he asked.

"Yes" said the forest, which had a good day "but I will not tell you which way she had taken until you give me your legs"

"Oh, what would I not give to reach that singing!" The hunter gives his legs and the thorns move away.

He arrived at the mountain of iron and stone and repeated the order. It was a happy coincidence that that day the mountain was with a very good mood:
"Because today was fifty years of the glorious moment when Frederick the Great invaded Saxony, not only will I let you pass but also I will ask you for a trifle in return: give me your hands"

The hunter, with his teeth, cuts his hands and hands them to him.

He know well that the chant comes from a chiaroscuro. And thus, blind, without legs or hands, he entered the greensward crawling as he could.

He was right because there was she, always stately and soaring, wandering exactly in the middle of the desolate. He could not classify it! She went through, without more or less, the most sublime verses, to the most exalted prose!

The banshee smiled, with respect and astonishment, since in the thousands of years that that horrible work had been doing, she had never seen so much self-denial. She looked at him for a while; then she whispered with a smile:

"I cannot help feeling some pity for you,-because you are so young... You are a pretty boy; and I will not hurt you now. But, if you ever tell anybody-even your own mother-about what you have seen this night, I shall know it; and then I will kill you... Remember what I say!"

Even as she screamed, her voice became thin, like a moan from the wind;-then she melted into a bright white mist that ascended to the ether, and shuddered away through the trees...

Then he found himself able to move and to see; and he sprang up, and looked out. But the shade was nowhere to be seen; and the brume was driving furiously into the hut.

...she had seduced him, shoving him into a life of terror

On the way back, small prefabs adorned the remote branches; the hunter, estranged, wandered the hills for weeks and in his head repeated the same images of isles heavily covered in slime.

The trees that surrounded the rocky sidewalks looked stunted and sickly, and the villagers danced to their suburbs laughing through their crooked mouths.
He could still hear her voice; her singing sounded everywhere.

Where the streams were flowing.

And where the wind blew corroding the fine groves..

That singing, surely, was lovely
 
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Hey, there. This was a fascinating read with a lot of really good imagery -- I liked "her wandering hair or her fulgent pearls" and "the chant comes from a chiaroscuro" in particular, but overall your phrasing is really good at building a scene, which helps build tension throughout the piece. I appreciate that this was written with such vivid detail, because even though we don't get to get a close glimpse of the characters or even know their names, we still get to see a lot of the haunting world around them, which kept me engaged with the atmosphere as a result. The ending is a nice echo, and overall this is a great depiction of the creepier but not-deadly aspects of Pokemon and ghosts.

His eyes fell into the depths of the stream, and became two costly pearls.
The pearls that were his eyes?
(Is this an intentional reference and if so, I love it; if not, it's still a striking image).

A few things about grammar -- I remember reading in a different thread of yours that this is translated work, so I spent a bit more time explaining how to correct each error; if this is stuff you already know, I'm sorry!
According to the ancient and not less feared legends in the most intricate woods of Unova, since there was some madman who got through such stories, dwelled a young and very graceful Misdreavus with a voice as pleasant to the ear as the voice of a song-bird, and whose chant was so comely and fascinating that it incited any who heard it to an arrant attraction, which, without giving part of it, were seduced and annulled from all attachment to reason; just as the proverb declares, "When the wish is there, the eyes can say as much as the mouth."
This actually isn't a sentence, although it is quite long. It becomes easier if we break this sentence down into its phrases:
[1] According to the ancient and not less feared legends in the most intricate woods of Unova
[2] since there was some madman who got through such stories
[3] dwelled a young and very graceful Misdreavus with a voice as pleasant to the ear as the voice of a song-bird
[4] and whose chant was so comely and fascinating that it incited any who heard it to an arrant attraction
[5] which, without giving part of it, were seduced and annulled from all attachment to reason
[6] just as the proverb declares, "When the wish is there, the eyes can say as much as the mouth."

Most of these phrases are informative but non-essential to the sentence -- they provide description but are not necessary for the sentence to be considered structurally complete. [2] modifies [1], and [4], [5], and [6] all modify the song mentioned in [3].

The verb of the entire sentence ("dwelled") is contained in [3], and this is where things get a bit into semantics. There isn't technically a subject to this sentence. "Misdreavus", also in [3], is an obvious choice, and it's easy to pick up on that via the context clues that you provided, but from a purely structural standpoint, this isn't a complete sentence and it doesn't read properly. You would need to phrase it as "there dwelled a Misdreavus" or "a Misdreavus dwelled" -- sentences tend to go subject and then verb, and that order is very rarely broken.

You swap to the present tense in the third paragraph ("moves", "finds", "move", "did", "produces", "closes") and in a few other locations, but the rest of your story is written in past tense. Traditionally in English, you don't switch tenses mid-scene unless you want to indicate that two events didn't happen at the same time or in close succession to one another (which doesn't seem to be the case here).

"Yes" said the forest, which had a good day "but I will not tell you which way she had taken until you give me your legs"
The punctuation dropped out here, and it should be:
"Yes," said the forest, which had a good day, "but I will not tell you which way she had taken until you give me your legs."
The rest of your dialogue is punctuated correctly, so I think this might've just been a typo?

like a moan from the wind;-then she melted into a bright
This ;- is a hybrid of two punctuation marks that I don't think exists. You'll either want just the semicolon ( ; )or the em dash (--)

That's most of it! Some of the phrasing is a little hard to read, and you might benefit from having a beta reader give things a once-over to give recommendations on phrasing. Overall, this was a lovely short piece to read and I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks for sharing!
 
Hey, there. This was a fascinating read with a lot of really good imagery -- I liked "her wandering hair or her fulgent pearls" and "the chant comes from a chiaroscuro" in particular, but overall your phrasing is really good at building a scene, which helps build tension throughout the piece. I appreciate that this was written with such vivid detail, because even though we don't get to get a close glimpse of the characters or even know their names, we still get to see a lot of the haunting world around them, which kept me engaged with the atmosphere as a result. The ending is a nice echo, and overall this is a great depiction of the creepier but not-deadly aspects of Pokemon and ghosts.


The pearls that were his eyes?
(Is this an intentional reference and if so, I love it; if not, it's still a striking image).

A few things about grammar -- I remember reading in a different thread of yours that this is translated work, so I spent a bit more time explaining how to correct each error; if this is stuff you already know, I'm sorry!

This actually isn't a sentence, although it is quite long. It becomes easier if we break this sentence down into its phrases:
[1] According to the ancient and not less feared legends in the most intricate woods of Unova
[2] since there was some madman who got through such stories
[3] dwelled a young and very graceful Misdreavus with a voice as pleasant to the ear as the voice of a song-bird
[4] and whose chant was so comely and fascinating that it incited any who heard it to an arrant attraction
[5] which, without giving part of it, were seduced and annulled from all attachment to reason
[6] just as the proverb declares, "When the wish is there, the eyes can say as much as the mouth."

Most of these phrases are informative but non-essential to the sentence -- they provide description but are not necessary for the sentence to be considered structurally complete. [2] modifies [1], and [4], [5], and [6] all modify the song mentioned in [3].

The verb of the entire sentence ("dwelled") is contained in [3], and this is where things get a bit into semantics. There isn't technically a subject to this sentence. "Misdreavus", also in [3], is an obvious choice, and it's easy to pick up on that via the context clues that you provided, but from a purely structural standpoint, this isn't a complete sentence and it doesn't read properly. You would need to phrase it as "there dwelled a Misdreavus" or "a Misdreavus dwelled" -- sentences tend to go subject and then verb, and that order is very rarely broken.

You swap to the present tense in the third paragraph ("moves", "finds", "move", "did", "produces", "closes") and in a few other locations, but the rest of your story is written in past tense. Traditionally in English, you don't switch tenses mid-scene unless you want to indicate that two events didn't happen at the same time or in close succession to one another (which doesn't seem to be the case here).


The punctuation dropped out here, and it should be:

The rest of your dialogue is punctuated correctly, so I think this might've just been a typo?


This ;- is a hybrid of two punctuation marks that I don't think exists. You'll either want just the semicolon ( ; )or the em dash (--)

That's most of it! Some of the phrasing is a little hard to read, and you might benefit from having a beta reader give things a once-over to give recommendations on phrasing. Overall, this was a lovely short piece to read and I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much for the advices and for taking a little of your time to review this. I really appreciate it.
Sentences are often long, I understand it, in my native language we use too much comas and it's grammatically correct. Likewise we could beat around the bush in giving additional information.
I will revisit the paragraphs to make it shorter and increase te use of full stops. It's really grateful to have an opinion of a native speaker that could take a look to the grammar.
 
Absolutely love the language and imagery you use here! What a bizarre and yet fantastically enjoyable read!

The story seems almost familiar somehow - is it based on anything? It sounds like an ancient myth or something.

Great work at any rate, it was a pleasure to read.
I'm glad that the story was to your liking. Thank you for giving me your opinion about it.
I do not know if it counts as "based on", the idea came to me when I heard an Irish jig called the Lilting Banshee. That's why the title ;-)
 
So we have another new billingual writer, I'm going to lose my place >.> but anyways as kin pointed out, your prose has some odd grammar issues here and there that mostly have to do with the way in which they were translated. She already pointed out some of the things I saw and gave you a good idea but I'll just add these two in cased you hadn't noticed.

mountain was with a very good mood

Here it should be "the mountain was in a very good mood" in english when you're referring to things that are "inside" whether it'd be objects going in or out or whether talking about something that a person feels likes, like moods, it's better to use in to refer to what exactly is going on. With is more when you're adding onto something, like if you're describing appearance and adding that a character is wearing so and so with a blue hat or something like that.

He know well that the chant comes from a chiaroscuro

should be knows.

He was right because there was she

I think there was she works too but just in case it could've also been there she was.

Other than that it was a short yet really interesting fic. It reminded me of really spooky fairy tales in with the type of wording and imagery you evoked. You have a really good hang of description and I can tell that in your original language (I'm assuming spanish?) you're really good because there are quite a few languages that put a lot of emphasis on the emotion that we deliver on the prose. I also liked how you tied Pokemon to fae creatures, like tying Misdreavus to the Banshee (even though I always thought they were witches but they're similar anyway).
 
So we have another new billingual writer, I'm going to lose my place >.> but anyways as kin pointed out, your prose has some odd grammar issues here and there that mostly have to do with the way in which they were translated. She already pointed out some of the things I saw and gave you a good idea but I'll just add these two in cased you hadn't noticed.



Here it should be "the mountain was in a very good mood" in english when you're referring to things that are "inside" whether it'd be objects going in or out or whether talking about something that a person feels likes, like moods, it's better to use in to refer to what exactly is going on. With is more when you're adding onto something, like if you're describing appearance and adding that a character is wearing so and so with a blue hat or something like that.



should be knows.



I think there was she works too but just in case it could've also been there she was.

Other than that it was a short yet really interesting fic. It reminded me of really spooky fairy tales in with the type of wording and imagery you evoked. You have a really good hang of description and I can tell that in your original language (I'm assuming spanish?) you're really good because there are quite a few languages that put a lot of emphasis on the emotion that we deliver on the prose. I also liked how you tied Pokemon to fae creatures, like tying Misdreavus to the Banshee (even though I always thought they were witches but they're similar anyway).
Thank you sweet. That's the good thing about One-shots, it's like a story, little story but with the possibility of creating witted plot twists in it.
it's amazing that you are actually bilingual. Those suggestions you gave to me are really appreciated.
 
The Lilting Misdreavus - Summer Awards 2018

This is a solid work with a couple of flaws. That shouldn't detract from the gorgeous writing-- extra kudos to you, given that it is translated! Learning a second language is a cranial exercise that few are able to withstand. This fic is one of the highest quality translated pieces I've seen on the forum, if not the best. However, it occasionally reads like a you picked up a thesaurus and sat there picking and choosing the fanciest words available. Is that good? Is that bad? I am personally ambivalent-- Einstein once said that if you can't explain something simply, then you don't understand it well enough. A couple of flourishes here and there are like bread and butter for one's writing, but it's possible to turn one's own work into a giant butterball. But don't let this overshadow my review-- I think there is an incredible amount of potential in this. Much like a pearl, it needs polishing to stand out from competing gemstones.

The 'two costly pearls' description is my favorite part of the piece. Absolutely wonderful mental imagery. Unfortunately, it feels like the quality of the ending doesn't match the mythical quality of the beginning. The ending, I feel, lacks the careful detail from before. As usual, the clash of ancient mythology and a modern-day franchise is a bit jarring, but ultimately, it works-- and I think it's great! I don't have much else to say, to be perfectly honest. This is a beautiful piece of work with a few major flaws that hold it back from being the top contender. I look forward to your next work!

You have made something beautiful, and I commend you on it. Never stop writing!
 
The Lilting Misdreavus - Summer Awards 2018

This is a solid work with a couple of flaws. That shouldn't detract from the gorgeous writing-- extra kudos to you, given that it is translated! Learning a second language is a cranial exercise that few are able to withstand. This fic is one of the highest quality translated pieces I've seen on the forum, if not the best. However, it occasionally reads like a you picked up a thesaurus and sat there picking and choosing the fanciest words available. Is that good? Is that bad? I am personally ambivalent-- Einstein once said that if you can't explain something simply, then you don't understand it well enough. A couple of flourishes here and there are like bread and butter for one's writing, but it's possible to turn one's own work into a giant butterball. But don't let this overshadow my review-- I think there is an incredible amount of potential in this. Much like a pearl, it needs polishing to stand out from competing gemstones.

The 'two costly pearls' description is my favorite part of the piece. Absolutely wonderful mental imagery. Unfortunately, it feels like the quality of the ending doesn't match the mythical quality of the beginning. The ending, I feel, lacks the careful detail from before. As usual, the clash of ancient mythology and a modern-day franchise is a bit jarring, but ultimately, it works-- and I think it's great! I don't have much else to say, to be perfectly honest. This is a beautiful piece of work with a few major flaws that hold it back from being the top contender. I look forward to your next work!

You have made something beautiful, and I commend you on it. Never stop writing!
Thanks for your comment, it is wonderful when readers are able to give their own meanings about the stories, those are the things that makes them overflow of life.

You were so lovely. I took English at school, it was my first language but I still need to improve.

And sorry for the (probably) obvious question but, what's the Summer awards?
 
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The summer awards just concluded. They're a thing we do where fan fics compete for the distinction of best in its genera. I judged the story for that and am finally getting back to you.

The story is a pokemon world variant on the just-so stories of mythology. That's fine for a one-shot, but it also limits things substantially.

To start with, no one has clear thoughts or motivations. The hunter gives up everything to see the misdreavus but his rationale for doing so is never actually described. He just does. That sort of removes any plot or character tension potential.

That's almost incidental to the point, though. Some of the description is beautiful, which is the strength of the story. I loved the eyes became pearls line. I liked almost all descriptions of the misdreavus herself.

You also seemed to overuse a thesaurus. It's fine to not overdo the flowery, olden language. The style already gives that depiction. Just use words that you know the meaning of and might actually use when telling a story yourself. Trust me, it's much better that way.
 
Please note: The thread is from 7 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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