Origin: Gold

[-Polaris-]

Welcome to my first story! I also hope you enjoy it, as im not exactly a good storywriter. But hey, this is the only way to get better, right? Also, this is pretty much just your typical Journey Fic. Anyway, without further ado, welcome to Origin: Gold.

Oh look. A Content of Tables.

Spoiler

Chapter One: A Simple Errand!

Spoiler

Gold awoke with a groan. "Ugh. 9am? It's too early."

"Gold! I made your favourite breakfast!" His mother shouted from downstairs. With this Gold sprinted down the stairs, Lava Cookie's were a wierd thing to have for breakfast. But they were still tasty. "But you're not eating like that. Go and get changed out of your pyjamas."

Gold groaned again, and got changed. He was wearig hs red shorts, along with along with black trainers. His shirt was Black, and he had a black and gold cap, and since he wore it backwards so a tuft of hair came out at the front. He wolfed down the cookies and went outside, proceeding to the lab like any other day. The pokemon lab in New Bark town, was quite small. And so was New Bark, so there wasnt a lot of Aides around. A lot of days it would just be Gold and the Professor himself. But Gold loved helping out nonetheless. He went around the side of the lab to see the pokemon in the back, surrounded by a fence for safe measure. There was a red haired boy looking over the fence. Usually, Gold would have found this normal, except he had never seen this person. The person then looked at him, "What are you looking at?" He almost shouted as he pushed Gold over, and ran off.

"The hell?" Gold questioned. Before going into the lab. "Hey! Whats up professor?"

"Hello Gold, good to see you." Elm's computer beeped. "Excuse me a minute." He said as he pushed his rimmed glasses up to his eyes. And muttered, "Hm. Yes... wow... Really. Mhmm... Ok! Gold. I want you to do a quick errand for me if thats ok?"

"Sure professor!"

"Ok, i need you to head up to Mr. Pokemon's house, just north of cherrygrove. It should only take you an hour or two to get there and back."

"Mr. Pokemon?! As in Kensuke Pokemon? Thats awesome." Gold said, sprinting out of the lab.

"Wait, Gold! It's quite dangerous to head that far by yourself. I want you to go and get a pokemon from the back to take with you."

"Sweet!" Gold ran out of the back of the lab. And sat down with the three pokemon he saw earlier, when a bush rustled outside of the fencing. "Uh, hello? Who is there?!" The bush rustled again, and Gold swore he saw some red hair as whatever was in the bush ran away. Gold then turned to study the three pokemon. They must have heard what the proffesor said inside, as the pokemon were trying to show off some of their own moves. The grass pokemon, Chikorita, used its leaf, to make a lot of smaller leaves which were sharper come out and fly towards the fence.

"Wow, awesome Razor Leaf Chikorita!"

But the blue crocodile pokemon wanted his time to shine, and shot a jet of water towards the Razor Leaf that Chikorita had just performed, making the leaves fall to the ground. Gold then expected Cyndaquil to do a move, except he just stayed there watching the others. Almost shy of doing an attack. The Chikorita then went over to cheer it up, because the Totodile was laughing at it. "Hey!" Gold scolded the Totodile, "Just because he doesnt show of like you, doesnt mean h has ti be laughed at!"

"Toto!" The pokemon folded its arms and turned away. Walking to the small pond in the pen.

Gold picked up the Cyndaquil and proceeded into the lab, "Professor, i've picked my pokemon!"

Elm walked away from his computer. "Ahah! Cyndaquil, a fine choice. I personally would have gone for Totodile, as it os very energetic. Although it likes to show off."

"Yeah, you can say that again." Gold muttered, under his breath. It was at this moment of time that one of Gold's best childhood friend, if not his only. Walked through the door. "Oh, hey Kris!" Gold greeted her. She had brown hair, which came out at both sifes of her white hat. Her attire was red and white, taking in that of her favourite pokemon champion. Red.

"Gold? Awesome! You got a pokemon aswell?"

"Yep. Hey Cyndaquil, say hi... Oh, uh sorry Kris, he is very timid." Gold said, as his pokemon hid underneath his hat.

"Well, he seems like a little cutie!"

"Anyway, sorry Kris, but i need to get going. I've got an important errand. See ya!" Gold exclaimed as he received Cyndaquil's pokeball of the Professor, and began his small journey.

I read somewhere that the 1000 words had changed to 650. Sorry if im wrong ;-;

Also, thanks for reading, it means a lot! I also dont mind constructive criticism. Chances are i'l completely understand since im new to this i guess

 

[Beth Pavell]

This gives me something more to do, since I have to be up late tonight >_<

Technical Accuracy/Style
Needs some work here. I think a lot of the spelling mistakes I spotted are typos, so remember - capitals for all proper nouns (Cherrygrove, New Bark Town). At the end of dialogue, unless you use any other punctuation it's a comma before the tag, like this:

"That's awesome," Gold said

Only names in the dialogue tag ever need a capital, like this:

"What are you looking at?" he almost shouted.

I suspect a lot of this will come with practice. The same goes for improving your style - practice, and read a lot, because the more you read, the more interesting stylistic habits you'll pick up.

Story
It's very generic, for a first chapter, and very short. You've kind of zapped right through the first stage of the journey as fast as you can, and it's a shame. Let me put it this way - why did you choose to write about Johto? If you're like me, it's because you love the region. It's ok to take your time! Have fun describing how you imagine New Bark Town to look. Feel free to indulge in that moment where the protagonist meets his first pokémon. It could be a momentous occasion, a defining milestone in his life. Make it special!

Characters
What I've said about the story also works for the characters. I'm not a huge fan of game protagonists adapted for fanfic, if I'm honest. Having said that, if I'm end up reading about another happy-go-lucky kinda nice protagonist it's going to be hard to be interested in his story. Characters drive the journeyfic, so think about what makes Gold tick. He loves helping out at the lab, good, so run with that. Does he just like playing with the pokémon or is he interested in science? If he likes the science of it all that might influence how he decides to journey and what he stops to take a look at along the way.

Final Thoughts
Everyone starts somewhere. The best advice I can give is, read, practice, and don't be afraid to edit chapters you've already published

 

[-Polaris-]

Thanks for a detailed review

 

[-Polaris-]

Just a little update. Im gonna change this to first person point of view.

I feel it is more easier for me to write that way. Chances are, i will re-write the first chapter. But for now, il leave it as it is.

 

[-Polaris-]

Spoiler

I had never gone as far as Route 29 when i worked for the professor. So going to Cherrygrove, or even further. Was a huge journey for me.

The pokemon i had gained, Cyndaquil. For some reason didnt like to be in its pokeball, and therefore I felt forced to make it stay out. It then decided to stay under my hat for the most part, meaning if any pokemon did truly want to attack me, i had no protection whatsoever.

This meant I had to avoid the grassy areas, and follow the dirt path, and on ever side of the path there were trees, with pokemon I had and had'nt seen before. There were the usual Sentret and Rattatas, also some Pidgeys, nestling next to the Hoothoot who were sleeping comfortably since they were nocturnal. It seemed they didnt pose much of a threat. At least not to me, as the purple rat pokemon fought each other for scrappings of berries that were apparently falling from the sky. While the Pidgeys from above just laughed to themselves. As it was them, snapping the stems of the berries.

I then thought it wise that i should grab some berries. Incase anything happened to me or Cyndaquil. Sure, the berries weren't that nice for humans (apart from the Lum Berries of course) but they seemed to do the trick if you were ill. The Pidgeys didnt seem too keen of my idea. And started pecking away at my hands as soon as I reached for the berries.

So I had to cope without no food in my bagpack.

It wasnt long until I had reached Cherrygrove City. And the first thing i saw was a wooden tower in the distance, it seemed to be majestic. Reaching for the sky, going through the clouds. I'd always wanted to travel far. But i had never gotten the chance thanks to all the lab work i had to do.

It was all good until i met an Old man waiting on a bench, outside the city. "Hey there! Thats a nice pokemon you got there. Are you a rookie trainer?" He said to me as he saw me approach.

"A trainer? No. Im just running an errand for someone," I replied.

"Oh ho. I see," he chuckled lightly. "Anyway, would you care for a tour?"

With Cyndaquil still, for some reason, hiding under my hat. I agreed, thinking it couldnt hurt. He showed me to the local pokemon center. And explained what it is, he also said there is one in almost every town ahead. He said the pokemarts were also located either inside or next to the pokemon centers. And apart from that, there was just his house, the so called city, was just as big as New Bark town.

"I know what you're thinking Kid," the man said, as if he was reading my mind. "It's known as a city because of the Pokemon Center that is here. It happens in almost every region."

"I see," I replied, "So, every town ahead of this is a City?"

"Yep, anyway. I've been droning on, take this. I think you will need it later," he said handing me a belt with six sockets, shaped in spheres, that had been cut in half. "Try it. Put your pokemon's pokeball into a socket," I did what he said and the pokeball clicked into place, but it could be easily removed. Although I didnt know when the next five slots would be useful. "So anyway Kid. Anymore questions?"

"Um, yeah actually. Do you know Mr. Pokemon and where he lives?"

"Sure do. Keep walking accross the beach, until you get to the road leading out of town. There is an abadoned house, so its not that one. The next house you see should be his though."

"Ok, thanks!"

"See ya round Kid."

"See ya. Hear that Cyndaquil? We aren't far. Im a little upset I didnt get to spend that much time with you," I said to the pokemon, even though it had fallen asleep, and snored away. At least I may have some rest when i got up there. At least, I hoped so.

Yay! A chapter where nothing happens. Sorry about that, I kinda already had writer's block for what should happen in Cherrygrove

Next Chapter:

Some battling! (Yay for you. Nay for me. I dont think my descriptions are good)

Cyndaquil gets some spotlight (WOOOH)

And potatoes. (Everyone likes potatoes!)

 

[AetherX]

First off, welcome to the Workshop (again)!

I'll try not to repeat too much of what Pavell said, but he pretty much hit the nail on the head.

There's only so much to be said regarding game rewrites. Wah wah they're unoriginal wah wah wah be more unique. Okay, now that we've got that out of our system, let's look at what you have. What's important is that you started writing this story and I think you should continue writing it. Like people said in the General Chat, adding a few twists and turns would go a long ways towards making the story exciting. Originality aside, these first few chapters are very important in telling your readers what the overall feel of the story will be. Feel free to go in whatever direction you want with Gold's character, since the game gives you a pretty blank slate. Don't leave the slate blank!

As for the writing itself, there are quite a few technical errors. I'd suggest typing your chapters up in a word processor to make use of the spellcheck before posting them. A couple read-throughs keeping an eye out for typos or mistakes can help too. If you read through what you've written out loud, then even better, since you'll catch the stuff that sounds awkward. One of the mistakes that I consistently spotted was a misuse of periods and commas. A period is a full stop at the end of a sentence. Commas are more like brief pauses, for adding interjections in the middle of a sentence or qualifiers of some sort. Examples:

I had never gone as far as Route 29 when i worked for the professor. So going to Cherrygrove, or even further. Was a huge journey for me.

The first sentence is fine on its own, but the second sentence is not. It's a continuation of the first one (same deal with the third sentence). You can use commas instead of almost all of the periods. I know it might seem like a lot of commas, and that's usually a sign that your sentence structure should be changed, but don't worry about that for now. Here's what it should be:

I had never gone as far as Route 29 when I worked for the professor, so going to Cherrygrove, or even further, was a huge journey for me.

Second example:

"Try it. Put your pokemon's pokeball into a socket," I did what he said and the pokeball clicked into place, but it could be easily removed.

The action of Gold putting the Pokeball onto the belt has nothing to do with the dialogue, so that comma should be a period. Everything else is fine. Although technically, it's a good idea to start a new paragraph after dialogue that's not followed up by the actions of the character who said the dialogue. Here's what it should look like:

"Try it. Put your pokemon's pokeball into a socket."

I did what he said and the pokeball clicked into place, but it could be easily removed.

If you'd like, I can go through a chapter or two and fix what needs fixing and let you know you did wrong, but there are too many spelling and grammar mistakes present right now to really do a line by line analysis. If you or someone else does make suggestions or changes, I heartily suggest going back and making those changes in the chapters you've already posted.

That's probably enough for now. I also suggest reading some of the other stories on this site, and asking any questions that you might have. Keep it up!

Review Extravaganza 34/50