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EVERYONE: - Ongoing [Original] Sinnoh - A new land, a newer adventure!

Petey

(PikachuTrAiNeR)
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Well, this is my first try at a writing a Fanfic, I've wanted to write one for quite some time now, and after discussion of fics in the [HASHTAG]#Bulbagarden[/HASHTAG] channel, I thought of giving it a try. Excuse me for making mistakes, since I'm not really used to it! ^^; Hope you like it.

Comments highly appreciated. :D
More comments = Chapters out faster! ;D


________________________________________

&&& Chapter One &&&
----- At Acuity Lakefront -----
________________________________________​

It was late in the afternoon. A little boy sat next to window, staring at the thick fog outside. The weather was quite cold, although it wasn’t anywhere near winter. Suddenly, the door was pushed open, and a boy rushed inside. He looked energetic even though he seemed quite cold. A little brown bird followed him. It had an orange beak and orange feet. It’s white eyes gleamed with the same energy the boy seemed to have. The boy seemed to be around thirteen. He was tall for his age and was dressed for the cold weather. He dropped the logs of wood on the table and hurriedly reached for the little bag he was carrying. He shut the door, and stacked up the logs of wood next to the fire-place.

While he was doing so, the little boy jumped off the little chair and ran to him. “What took you so long, Geoffrey?” he said, looking quite worried. The older boy grinned. “Well, it’s quite a long way to the closest forest, and there’s a blizzard out there!” He paused a little and continued. “Look here!” he picked up the little bag. It was blue and velvety. A little circle was painted on it. It looked half red and half white. He opened the little string tied to it, it loosened and inside it lay what appeared to be quite a large rock. It was dull pink in color and seemed a little heavy.

The smaller child looked amazed. He stared at it as if it was some rare piece of treasure. “It looks like an egg!” he said. His brother looked at him laughed. “Of course! An egg in the middle of this deserted place? And besides, would an egg be this heavy?” he replied promptly enough. “Where did you find it?” came the inevitable question. “I was wandering around the Acuity Lakefront. I found this little bag while I was making my way through the snow. I thought it might belong to someone, so I brought it along with me.” As much as he wanted to, little Thomas knew his brother wouldn’t take him to the spot, so he retired from the spot. Before his father returned home, he returned to his room. He spent the night wondering about the rock and his brother.

The next day, he made up his mind to tell his father about the bag and how his brother found it. He knew his brother would never do so, so he related the whole incident. His father called Geoffrey and asked for the bag. He hesitated as he was afraid his father might take it away, but he eventually came with the velvety pouch. On taking his first look at it, Geoffrey’s father was amazed. “Why! This is a Pokémon egg! Was it you, who found this, Geoffrey?” After discussing the matter, their father decided to take the egg to the Pokémon Center in the nearest town, which happened to be Snowpoint City. “I told you it was an egg!” echoed little Thomas happy for proving himself correct.

Chapter Two coming soon...
 
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A good first try. Better than my first fanfics, that's for sure.

But it could use a little polishing. For instance

It was blue and velvety. A little circle was painted on it. It looked half red and half white.

This is too many choppy sentences. You could combine some of the thoughts like so.

"It was blue and velvety, with a red and white circle painted on it."

See? Three sentences cut down to one that flows better.

But really, that's a great first job.
 
Thanks, I'll try to increase the flow.
Expect Chapter two soon.
 
Better than alot of stuff I see these days. As mentioned above, some parts seem akward/ choppy. But this is your first and I think you did a great job so far ^^

*Looks forward to next chapter*
 
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