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TEEN: - Ongoing Peruikun, a new horizon (action, comedy) P.G. for some words

G

Gyarados Girl

Dawn and May Love...
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Chapter 1: Mira, Loukei and Musio
Narrator: later after Ash's journey to be a Pokemon Master, he has 1 more quest, 1 more rival and 1 more skill to achieve... will he survive? Now, our new heroes are Mira, Loukei and Musio.
Later On, Tranemm's Residence
Mira: * yawn, sees its a VERY shiny day * it's a good morn'
as she goes down to stairs, she greet her family good morn'
Mom: good morning, Mira, help me cook breakfast cause I'm taking care of your little sister
Mira: K, mom. * muah *
Dad: hey, small mom, watch are you cooking?
Mira: seems like bacon, and eggs.
Piel: Our favorite!!!
Mokouroe: I just love Mira's cooking!
Mira: I'm your LITTLE sis not your mom Mokour!
Mom: * laughs * is breakfast read small mom?
Mira: yep, bacon for everyone!
after breakfast, she goes out to fetch her friends Loukei and Musio
Mira: Louki, Musi!!!
Loukei: hi! Got any snacks?
Musio: we're gonna starve on the way!
Mira: okay! I got---- the same mojos an 3 slices of pizza
 
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Who *are* these people? What do they look like? What brings them together? Just a sample of things that you should be telling us.

If these are our new heroes, what does Ash have to do with it?

And I've nothing against the script format, but you need to improve with using it. Read a few professional plays to see how it's done.

Also, NEVER use internet abbreviations in a fic unless a character is typing like that. So that means get rid of the "r u" and replace it with "are you".
 
Not you again!
Okay, Mira is the new main character.
She has a crush on Ash, Loukei's the rival of Ash
Mira's the rival of Misty
Musio's a smart kid. The rival of Brock.
See my fancharacter in A Pokemon Story.
Loukei looks like Misty in a blue shirt.
Musio looks like Max in a black shirt.
Got It?
and Ash has enough time on the show already.
Signed your worst enemy
 
So tell us this in the fic itself. Let us experience the characters, not just having a description shoved at us.

And please, you can be more original than reusing character designs and just giving them a new wardrobe. If you want to use old characters, use them, but don't slap a new coat of paint on it and try to pass it off as a different house!
 
Well, later on. I think in the 5th chapter. They're gonna meet.
And I forgot.
Okay, some wardrobe's have gone crazy like Misty wearing sundresses.
But sometimes she wears cool ones.
I have 3 fanfics in my computer.
Wait, if you want my fanfic.
Answer this: How can I Paste?
I have these that are majorly crazy.
I did that on my 2nd Peruikun Fanfic: Togepi's Birthday.
Now I thought about that. Sorry MOD
 
This is honest criticism that has nothing to do with being a mod. If you can't take what the people say, you shouldn't post your fics for all to read and comment on.

And I'm assuming your mouse has two buttons on it. Highlight the text you want to copy, then left-click and select "Copy". Then bring it to the posting box and left-click again, this time selecting "Paste". That should paste the selected text into the post box.

And it's "wardrobes". No apostrophe.
 
thanks, but what text???
And how do you chase some of the members here to help you with the story?
And, I want my fiction to SHINE LIKE A DIAMOND!!!
And you must be great in English!
You must help me.
 
I'm confused
I cannot put anything there!!
Okay, I'll try.
So you're a "Beta Reader"
Oh, I better start posting!
:misty:
thanks!
 
Chapter Two: Pokemon Contest League.
Narrator: Meet Mira Tranemm. A 5-year past Pokemon Master. Since she was 10 she has the power to be a Pokemon Master. Loukei is the best friend of Mira, a great rival of Ash. She's 15 and has the atittude of a 3rd Grader. Musio is the rival of both Brock and Max. Musio is the smartest kid in his class.
Mira: I'm great, aren't I? I aced a test!
Loukei: yeah, right. If it will make you a Pokemon Elite!
Musio: I'm great, aren't I? I aced my mid-term!
Loukei: what?!!!
Mira: their mid-terms are today. And it's almost a month for Musio to be 10!
Musio: I'm gonna be the best of the best! * laughs *
Mira: let's head to Ash's house. It's a good thing to visit 'em!
As the bell rings they go back to their classroom
Mrs. Jacque: Okay, young people. This is an important anouncement. I am very happy to anounce the 3 people to go around the Peruikun Contest League. It is Mira Tranemm, Loukei and Musio Read. Congatulations!
Mira: what? That cool!
Loukei: that's great!
Musio: where do I go for the Pokemon Professor to get my Pokemon?
Mrs. Jacque: Professor Yucca. He has 3 Pokemon you can choose: Lapras, Tyrouge, and Alakazam.
Loukei: let's go!
Musio: I'll choose Lapras.
Mira: don't say that to us! Say it to Professor Yucca.
While walking to Professor Yucca's Laboratory/House. A trainer came to battle 3-on-3 to Mira. The name of the trainer was Tina, the daughter of Professor Yucca.
Mira: Alright! I choose, Gyarados!
Tina: I choose, Dragonite!
Mira: Gyarados, use Dragon Rage!
Tina: Dragonite, Agility!
Mira: Gyarados, Fly!
Tina: Dragonite, use Rage!
Mira: okay, Gyarados finish it off with Dragon Breath!!!!
Tina: return, Dragonite!
Mira: back to your Pokeball, Gyarados!
Mira: I choose you, Gengar!
Tina: I choose you, Alakazam!
Mira: piece of cake! Gengar, Shadow Ball!
Tina: I should have known! return Alakazam! I choose you! Vaporeon!
Mira: Go, Meganium!
Tina: Vaporeon, use Bubble!
Mira: Meganiu, use Solarbeam!
Tina: return, Vaporeon!
 
Well, I'm not a beta reader. That thread is to find someone who is.

Also, what do you mean when you say that you can't put anything there. Put what where?

And about the new chapter...Really now, you have a complete lack of battle description. What are they doing? We know the names of the attacks, but that's it.
 
I forgot again! Oh, man!
I cannot put those [highlight]attachments[/highlight].
You may teach me not to forget.
Posting my 3rd one is not a very hard one. But, it's a bit complicated.
 
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Chapter Three: Crooks Of The Revival Building
Narrator: after the battle, Mira, Loukei and Musio went to a Pokemon Revival Building. They saw a little (they think) stray Mew. They tried to touch it but ran away. Mira asked a Nurse Joy who is the owner of theat Mew.
Nurse Joy: It's a Mew of 2 people, a girl with a hair of blonde like this. * shows the hairstyle * and guy with a froggy voice.
Loukei: who? Cassidy and Butch?!!!
Nurse Joy: maybe, they look a lot familiar As the Black-Team-Rocket ,they are very famous crooks. They steal Pokemon they can get their bags in, but now I think they are arrested.
Musio: Nurse Joy, don't you know that they can be sent out of prison?
Nurse Joy: that's terrible!
Mira: they are experts on stealing Pokemon!!!
Nurse Joy: I better------oh, no! * gasps and sees all the Pokemon not it their beds *
Mira: oh, my! They stole all the Pokemon!!!
Loukei: we gotta do something!
Musio: look! * sees tracks *
Mira: tracks! Of a----- Raticate!
Loukei: Raticate is the top Pokemon of Cassidy and Butch. We can track them!
Musio: let's go!
Nurse Joy: wait! Use this Track-Tracker * hands over the Track-Tracker * it is a teleporter for Pokemon Tracks that will lead you to the last track.
Mira: thanks, Joy!
Later in at the last track
Mira: they went out... * they we're trapped by a cage *
Cassidy: *laughs * Prepare for trouble
Butch: Make it double
Cassidy: to infect the world from devistation
Butch: to blight at peoples within our nation
Cassidy: to denounce the goodness of truth and love
Butch: to extend our wrath to the stars above
Cassidy: Cassidy!
Butch: Butch!
Cassidy: We're The Black Team Rocket, circling earth all day and night
Butch: surrender to us now and prepare to fight
Cassidy: that's right!
Mira: give us, the Pokemon-----or you'll end up in wedges!
Cassidy: yeah, right! I choose you, Raticate!
Loukei: leave it to me, Charizard, go!
Gets out of Pokeballs
Loukei: Charizard, use Fly then Seismic Toss.
Charizard lifts Raticate, and orbits it and tosses it to the ground
Cassidy: oh, man! Raticate! Return! Okay, flee!
Loukei: in your face!
Mira: * catches the bag of Poke balls * hoof! this is... * falls down * heavy!!!
Musio: Come on, let's help her!
Later at the building
Nurse Joy: oh, my! I'll help you!
Loukei: Okay, case closed
 
It's a bad day, clearly 1st chapter is shorter than the chapter 2 the Chapter two is shorter than chapter 3
 
Please note: The thread is from 19 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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